Please post your first thirteen in this thread by August 7th, using the following format:

Title:
Word count:
Genre:
First thirteen:

Please do not post anything else in this thread. For discussions and questions, and to see how this group works, please use the ‘Open Discussions’ thread entitled “Let’s get Ready for Market”.

I’ll post instructions in this thread as and when necessary. In seven days I will add a post which closes first thirteens, and invites contributors to grade first thirteens and request manuscripts for detailed grading.

For reference here’s the overall monthly cycle:
On the 1st day of the month everyone is invited to post first 13s.

We give ourselves one week to do that. This is not time for writing since the stories should be ready for market, but just recognising that we can't all get to things immediately.

Entries close on the 7th day of the month.

By 14th day of the month we
- grade first 13s
- request at least one manuscript (via an e-mail to the writer) of the story we'd like to read and grade (probably one whose first 13 we scored highly)

By the last day of the month we
- grade at least one manuscript
- grade more stories if we want to (e.g. those that have great first 13s in addition to our favourites)

The "end of the day" is the end of the day in your local time. There's no need to be more precise than that.

Zalista frowned as the innkeeper bowed and closed the door of her room behind him. A jolt of greed had seared through her when he’d handed her the key. Should she try to run? No, most innkeepers had more than their share of greed. And she hadn’t gotten used to her borrowed power.

She dropped her saddlebags, and hurried to the window to pull the shutters closed. The stableyard below was empty except for the boy currying her sweat-lathered horse in the late afternoon sun. Its head was lowered from exhaustion from her pell-mell flight across Frenich.

No sign of her pursuers. She slammed the shutters together and shoved the wooden bar into the slots. Surely she was she was enough ahead of the king’s troops to rest. If she didn’t have

[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited July 31, 2008).]

Steve Fenner studied Balto in his cage. The chimpanzee would dip his fingers in watercolor paint, apply it to the wall, and climb the bars of his cage to look in the small mirror on the opposite wall outside the cage. “You think the drug is causing him to act this way?” He asked his two assistants, Kyle and Rosanna. They were helping him carry out some unauthorized testing on a drug he hoped would reconstruct neural pathways. If all worked well, stroke victims would be able to return to normal.

“He’s been distracted and self-absorb since the first dose,” Rosanna said. “When we gave him the blocks to test him, he wouldn’t cooperate. Instead of working on the puzzle he would take the blocks out and stack them in odd ways.”

Steve set his chin in his hand and pondered Balto’s painting.

A leather glove whapped Crashburn’s shoulder. Acid was signaling from the back seat, two fingers, then down. Crashburn squinted two o’clock low. A life boat drifted, men fanning undershirts above their heads. Crashburn gave Acid a moment to beep out a message, then dove. As he buzzed over the boat he saw the thumb’s up sign; no injuries.

Acid slapped his shoulder again. Her fingers said acknowledged. Boats on the way.

Skimming the waves now, Crashburn banked the biplane toward a bit of debris. Acid pointed to a field of wreckage and a tiny cluster of lifeboats. When they zoomed over some boats signaled thumbs up, a few did not. Crashburn made a slow pass so Acid could drop survival packets.

(That's 13 lines on my screen.)

[This message has been edited by Doc Brown (edited August 01, 2008).]

“Darker,” said Kelila. “You aren’t trying to drum up a meshugguh fog. You’re trying to make everything go black.” She repeated the last word slowly, her tone mocking him. Gal nodded, but she continued. “Not gray, black. You are calling Darkness, calling Choshech.”

“Darkness,” muttered Gal. I can see it, but she can’t yet. But I’ve seen so much of it… Darkness was an impossibly familiar concept to him now, as much a part of his soul as red blood was a part of his body. He had gazed into it, had thought of it each day and dreamt of it each night. Darkness had both kept him awake and eased him to sleep, and he had been tortured in its absence. Then again, his ordeal could be worse; it could have been Boils.

December 13
Dear Prisoner,
You don’t know me, but I belong to the Coldwater Springs Gospel Church, and our Christmas Mission Project this year is witnessing to prisoners, like in the Days of the Apostles. Tonight at our Teens For Christ meeting we're packing up the donation boxes. Each of you prisoners will receive your own Bible, toothbrush, and tube of shower gel. And, of course, a personalized Christmas Card, which you're reading right now.
May God bless you with conviction of your sins, repentance, and the gift of Jesus.
Your Friend in Christ,
Mandy

As the morning news played, Doctor Laura Green scowled at her truck’s radio and pounded the wheel. Waving at the yellow fields of rapeseed on either side of the road she yelled, "You can not ban research that’s based on evolution, Mayor Craven! How can you distort science just to pander to your Creationist supporters?! Our research keeps the rapeseed--and our town--alive. We will not allow you and your ignorance to stop us."
Swinging in to Winton University's parking lot, she parked with a furious stamp on the brakes and marched straight into the office of the Professor of Biology, Dave Marshall.
"Mayor Craven's an idiot," she said.
"Craven? Yes. We've got to stop him." As always Dave looked maddeningly relaxed in the face of a crisis.

Roselyn staggered. The Five! Her father’s pleas were near incoherent, but she had heard enough. Trevain was summoning The Five. Gods no! She slid to a stop in the dusty street. Her father lay, sprawled at the foot of the giant Trevain. Even then, she wanted to run to him and let him chase the demons of the night away. But she couldn’t. She wouldn’t. She alone would stand against Trevain. She alone-

“Ten,” Trevain’s voice sounded.

Ten. That’s how old she was—only ten. And she hoped to stand against Trevain, how? A wave of fear spread over her and tears gathered. She shook her head. I can’t stop, father. They’ll kill me; rip me to pieces as you watch. She ran on. I’m already dead!

Please, in this thread, post your grading for each first 13 as follows:

3 - would read on enthusiastically
2 - would read on with caution
1 - would not read on

Each grade should please include a one liner (one sentence or bullet point) with the reason for the grade.

Please request at least one manuscript (via an e-mail to the writer) of the story you'd like to read and grade (probably one whose first 13 you scored highly). (For novels, please share partials--first twenty pages and the synopsis.)

Closing date for the above activities is 14th Aug, leaving us a couple of weeks to the end of the month to read and grade the requested stories.

Atmospheric, I can see the anxious Zalista.

"Wroids", snapper, 1

Too much telling for my taste, and I had trouble visualising a cage with bars and a wall.

"Gallant Upon the Sea", Doc Brown, 3

Love the flying start, even though I was initially confused by the characters' names. Sounds well-targetted for YAs.

"Plague of Darkness", EP Kaplan, 2

I'm not drawn in, not knowing what meshugguh fog, Choshech and "Darkness" might be.

"The Project", kathyton, 1

While it's a good pastiche of the kind of letter a "Friend in Christ" might write, it doesn't tell me who the reader is, nor the nature of the conflict.

"Knights Valor", Tiergan, 1
There's a strong sense of something bad happening, but what, where?

Wroids -- 2
"the chimp would" is vague--habitual past tense, or something. Is he doing these things now, or is Steve remembering? Would be stronger for reader to be in scene and watch as he does them now.
Then there is an info dump. What does unauthorized research mean? The boss doesn't know, or the institution's ethics board didn't review it? That would make a difference in our rooting interest with the scientists.

Gallants -- 1
Where we are (in a biplane) and who are with (some sort of robot named Acid) wasn't clear to me in paragraph one. I think this story would be fine in some markets, but didn't grab me, personally.

Plague -- 2
I'd probably read on because they're learning spell casting.
Meshugguh sounds like Meshuganah (crazy in Yiddish); that took me out of it. I thought the exposition on darkness was too long for early in the story, when you have so many things to establish for the reader.
Creationist -- 3
establishes character and conflict. Stakes seem high. Smooth writing. I think her speech seems a little too articulate, not quite natural for the situation. Perhaps rough it up a bit -- not cursing, necessarily, but should all the sentences be complete?

I love Zalista's name and the opener sets a good hook. You have picturesque word choices (seared, sweat-lathered, etc.) and plenty of tension. The first 13 established a feeling of withdrawing into a cocoon.

The downside is that the writing style has a weak cadence. The first sentence, for example, has two characters, two location specifications ("of her room" and "behind him") and three simultaneous actions (frowning, bowing closing). That's a complicated picture to paint in one sentence. To improve the cadence I recommend finding one of these things that you can drop. Is "of her room" really necessary for the sentence?

Then the second sentence changes verb tenses within the same paragraph. Not an absolute no-no, but an ominous sign of writing that will ask a lot of the reader.

The comma after the word saddlebags is another example of breaking cadence.

"Wroids", snapper, 2

I would read this because it reminds me of stories I have loved in the past, like "Flowers for Algernon." It has the feel that you will take the story seriously, with a hint of just enough tension. The writing is clean and smooth.

But your intro is name-heavy. If you absolutely need to name all three characters so early, and I doubt that you do, then please don't give both first and last name of your POV character. As a poor, defenseless reader that's just too many names to tag in my brain.

The sentence about stroke victims says a lot about Steve, and it may or may not be what you want. If curing stroke victims is his motivation, why doesn't this sentence have any emotion? This sentence tells me that Steve is a cold scientist who wants things to "work well."

"Plague of Darkness", EP Kaplan, 2

You've got a great title, EP. Considering the subject matter you do an good job of limiting adjectives and adverbs.

There is a bit of tension between the characters, but because we don't know the consequences it's hard to get a feel for the level of tension. To me the tension is very weak, but then I don't read much fantasy.

"The Project", kathyton, 3

You took on a daring task, kathyton, considering the "Christmas card" format gives you so few words in 13 lines. Your first sentence includes three strong phrases that would make great titles ("Coldwater Springs Gospel Church", "Christmas Mission Project", and "In the Days of the Apostles"). However "The Project" is the least gripping title of all this month's submissions.

The words Dear Prisoner establish lots of tension. I would probably read "The Project" because there is enough tension in those two words to get me through the next 998, but if the story were longer I would not read it.

Unfortunately the Christmas card format doesn't give me a taste of your narrative style, so I can't critique that. If the entire story is to be a series of letters (or greeting cards) then your style is fine.

"The Intelligent Creationist", TaleSpinner, 1

TaleSpinner, in 13 lines you've pushed my brain way too far in tagging character names. Can't you just call your POV character Laura and let us find our the Dr. Green part later? Then we get Mayor Craven, Dave Marshall, and Winton University. Ugh. My brain hurts.

Fiction readers experience pleasure from plot, character, tension, action, etc. Tagging names is work for the reader (so is backstory and exposition, but you don't have a problem with those). I'd like more pleasure and less work in the first 13 lines, please.

On the plus side you have an attractive title and plenty of tension. The politics and religion vs science and economics is bound to make a great story. The subject matter could easily get me to read it . . . just don't repel me by making me work so hard in the first 13 lines.

"Knights Valor", Tiergan, 2

I had to read it several times because so much is packed into the first couple of sentences. The first two times I read it, I thought the father was named Trevain and he was summoning The Five.

So, a giant named Trevain has a thing for numbers, and a lone little girl must somehow face him in combat. Right? I can dig that.

You have almost set a great scene here, Tiergan, but I cannot feel the tension because don't understand the physical and chronological relationships. Roselyn staggers and slides to a stop in a street. Her father lies at the feet of a giant. But are these events near each other? Can Trevain see Roselyn? Is she in immediate danger, or is everything okay until she attacks Trevain at a time of her choosing? But if that's the case, then who is the "they" who will rip her apart? Is Trevain a giant or a mob?

My guess is that all the pieces are there, but the order in which you have portrayed of events is a bit jumbled.

You've got tension galore. There's no need to be so artsy and jumble the events. Just put us into Roselyn's POV and let us see the scene through her eyes.

Untitled-JeanneT--1
For me the entire scene read off. First the, “jolt of greed”, at first read I thought it was Zalista’s greed. It took 2 reads before I got it, never good for a first paragraph. While the scene made “sense” as a whole, it didn’t ring true to me. First when she crosses to the window, we have 2 sentences telling of her horse and her plight, before she thinks, No sign of her pursers. To me, that’s backwards. I would first look for pursuit. Second, if I were worried about soldiers tracking me, I wouldn’t have left my horse, possibly even a reconizalbe mount to the troops, out in the open, in the care of the stable boy. Also I wouldn’t shut my shutters, it screams hiding something. If I were a soldier it would be the first room I would look in. Last, the typo, “she was she was” on the first page, you can’t have that.

Snapper-Wroids--2
What I like about this piece is it reads easy. I would suggest losing the last name of Steve, don’t need this right off. And reworking his assistants names in a different way. I also felt it was to telling about the drugs. Those 2 sentences were a turn off. I think I would have liked to feel these as Steve’s inner thoughts. "I hope this works," type thing.

Doc Brown-Waters Turn Enemy--3
This piece intrigued me right from the get go because I watch Discovery’s Deadliest Catch, and I immediately saw a rescue helicopter, I know it’s a biplane, but still. First read, Acid was signaling from the back. I read acid was dripping from the back. It makes no sense, but the name threw me off. POV got me also. I take it we are in Crashburn’s POV. First line, at first I felt it was POV violation, but as he probably has been hit by the glove before, he would know what the leather glove felt like. But was the hand in the glove, or just the glove? My main POV thought was Acid pointed to a field of wreckage. I don’t know for sure, but I thought Acid was behind Crashburn, so how does Crashburn see it. I figured Acid would hit Crashburn again. Skimming the waves now, -I would lose the now.

Ed Kaplan-Plague of Darkness--1
I only had one issue with this one. And I am sure it’s just my taste, I like easy reads, so this was thick for me. And as I had no idea where it was going other than a lesson in making dark fog I wasn’t all that interested in finding out. I didn’t feel much tension. Not sure I liked the "impossibly familiar concept", I understood what you were getting at, but the impossibly slowed it down for me. Judging by some of the fantasies I have read, I think there will be people who really like your voice though.

Kathyton-The Project--2
Wow. Hard to critique a letter, because any error could just be deliberate, characterization. The letter read well and sounded like something that would happen in real life. It also had me guessing at the plot. But I have no idea what is going to happen from there. But as well written as I felt it was, and at a thousand words, I would continue to read, especially because flash pieces generally come on quick and fast, I would expect this to turn around quick.

TaleSpinner-The Intelligent Creationist--1
My main concern is I felt things were overdone. The second line I would like to see the dialogue tag cut. There was no need for it as you really show her anger, by pounding the wheel and the exclamation point in the dialogue, we know she is yelling. Along the same lines, I feel the furious stamp was over done. Slammed on the brakes, stamped on the brakes would have been enough for me. With the furious added, I actually thought it read funny(sorry), and the marched straight into the office only added to it in a comical way. These are words I wouldn’t use so much for anger. She slammed on the brakes and ran for the office of… Threw the door open. “Mayor Craven’s an idiot!” I would lose the tag again. Also not a fan of the maddeningly.

I apologize for withdrawing but I have decided to stop posting to this forum. The giving people a benefit of the doubt policy that the powers-that-be say they support has more and more been very selectively applied. What has happened on this board in the last few days was pretty much the final straw.

I wish you well and only the best of luck.

Edit: From an email I just received, I think I need to repeat that the comments in the critique had nothing to do with my decision. I did not feel it was excessively harsh and was not offended. I felt that because I was involved in the decision to set up this thread, that the people who posted here were entitled to some explanation. I'm sorry for any misunderstanding on that.

Seven first 13s were posted, and I see four gradings so far. Since Jeanne has dropped out, we're only expecting two more gradings ... but there are several days left, so no worries.

At the risk of derailing the thread, I plan to leave Hatrack after completing my commitment to the Ready for Market, August. so if this idea works, please do someone take it up in my absence.

Why am I leaving? Because I think that being unable to discuss "What is Literary?" without a thread lock is, for a writerly site, silly. But worse, there isn't an appeals process that I can find. (If anyone wants to discuss this further, to preserve the Ready for Market focus please either take it off-line or start another topic somewhere.)

Thanks, everyone, for all you've taught me and the confidence you've helped me build.

That said, and provided I'm allowed to, I'll stick around with this thread until the end of August.

Cheers,
Pat

quote:

---

But worse, there isn't an appeals process that I can find.

---

Couldn't "take it to email" include emailing me and discussing things outside of the topic in question?

I sent you the first of two e-mails of disquiet on Thursday. It has just been bounced back to me as follows:

---
Sorry, we were unable to deliver your message to the following address.

<kdw@hatrack.com>:
Mail server for "hatrack.com" unreachable for too long
---

I don't know of any reason an email would not have gotten through to me, and I'll be sure to let the webmaster know.

I will email you, Pat, with a couple of other email addresses you can use for me. Please consider resending?

This is so frustrating. I want people to be able to email me from Hatrack when there are problems.

Though, come to think of it, I remember one time when you couldn't log on at all, nor could you contact me, and someone else, was it annepin? had to let me know there was a problem.

Since Jeanne is leaving I will reserve comment on hers. I am currently reviewing Tiergan's so I will also reserve my comments on that. He knows how I feel about his.

As far as grading I will say I do not think any of these deserve a one and I'm not so enthused to give any a three. So you all get a two-ish. It may sound like a cop out but it's how I feel. If the grading scale where wider the grades would probably be reflected on how I feel about each.

Basing how I feel about a story based on 13 is difficult for me. It won't reflect how I feel about a story, Talespinners last contest confirmed that. I will try to review everyones submission if they like but I will do so on a first come, first serve bases.

Gallant Upon the Sea

I felt more positive about this on the second read after I realized that it is a Young Adult novelette. Nevertheless it is very name heavy and I think it would be a lot smoother if you could change that. The distant POV I think is weighing this down. A tighter POV is all it needs.

Plague of Darkness

I wish I knew who this first person POV character is. It distracts me. Meshugguh and Choshech are throwing me off as well. The plague idea does hook me enough to go on.

The Project

I’m not excited about opening with a letter. It reads like any letter addressed like that. I read on because of the length and the title intrigues me with this opening.

The Intelligent Creationist

You're absolutely right, having read the entire story, we might rate it better than, or worse than, the first 13. As is clear from several first13 discussions, that's just the way things are.

Oh, and--edited to add--we're waiting for just one more grading of first 13s, then I'll post instructions for the final phase. It's nice to see people offering and exchanging stories to read. If anyone receives no offers to read, please send your story to me and I'll read it.

On leaving, thanks for your kind remarks about Jeanne and myself. I've e-mailed both addresses Kathleen sent, so ...

Cheers,
Pat

Wroids: 2.5
---
I'm intrigued by the idea of what sounds like a "smart monkey" drug. If I saw this in a mag, I'd probably end up buying it to read on.

Gallant...: 1.5
---
A lot of naming in here. Strange names, and only two of them, but they seem to repeat very, very often. I feel a sense of urgency, but I'm rather distracted by the repetition of the odd names.

The Project: 1.5
---
I'd probably read on for another page or two to see where this goes, but I'll be praying we see our prisoner very, very soon. There's no real conflict going on yet.

Intelligent Creationist: 1
---
This is the most awkward sounding angry rant ever. I understand the seed conflict of the story, but it feels like one we've seen debated a thousand times before, and a mayor seems like an odd figure to go about banning huge swaths of research. When Laura says he "can not ban" evolution research, I don't doubt her. In all likelihood, assuming this is set in early 21st century America, he probably, legally, can't. If it isn't you'll need to establish that early.

Knights Valor: 2
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I've got a lot of questions, which can be a good thing. Who are The Five? If I get a few clues within the next few pages, I'll probably keep going.
Let who chase the demons away? Her injured father? Trevain?
Why does Trevain say Roselyn's age? It seems like a non-sequitur.

I've been thinking about all of this and I would like to make a more-public-than-email response, but I don't want to hijack this thread, and I'm not sure whether I should start another on the topic or where I should start it.

I'll add a link when I figure out if and where.

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum6/HTML/000006.html

which I hope may help a little. I realize it's not a discussion topic, but anyone who wants to discuss this is welcome to start such a topic in the Open Discussions on Writing area (if one hasn't already been started--I haven't checked yet).

Edited to add: my apologies for this interruption. Now, back to your regularly scheduled topic.

So back to the topic, we're awaiting one grading, and there's a day or two left so that's okay, and then I'll post instructions for the final phase of this month's "Ready for Market".

I trust everyone has at least one request to read their stuff--if not, send it to me and I'll happily read it.

So, the final phase is this. When we've read the story we requested, we post in this thread its scores on ten characteristics using this grading scheme:

3 - Better than Heinlein (or, better than my favourite published author of today, or better than the best published author in the story’s genre--name her if you like)

2 - As good as the best authors published today (but not quite good enough)

1 - Okay but not as good as published authors

Story characteristics:

1 character development
2 plot
3 satisfactory ending
4 milieu
5 willing suspension of disbelief
6 unique/never been done before
7 writing style
8 dialogue
9 action
10 understandable ("I get it")

If you feel like including a short crit that's fine but not essential.

So if you think a story is perfectly ready for market except in the willing suspension of disbelief department, your post might look like this:

quote:

---

The Magical Lute

1 character development-3
2 plot-3
3 satisfactory ending-3
4 milieu-3
5 willing suspension of disbelief-1
6 unique/never been done before-3
7 writing style-3
8 dialogue-3
9 action-3
10 understandable ("I get it") -3

I enjoyed the characters but could not suspend disbelief because I do not believe in magical lutes.

---

We have until the end of the month to do this.

Then, if enough people agree it was worth doing, we'll start a new cycle for September--with new stories, of course.

Happy reading,
Pat

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited August 14, 2008).]

Story characteristics:

1 character development = 1
2 plot = 2
3 satisfactory ending = 2
4 milieu = 1
5 willing suspension of disbelief = 2
6 unique/never been done before = 1
7 writing style = 1
8 dialogue = 2
9 action = 1
10 understandable ("I get it") = 3

quote:

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I did three crits already and didn't use your key. Would you like me to redo it?

---

It would be churlish to ask you to do it again, snapper. Since the idea is to help each other get stories finally ready for market, I can't imagine anyone is going to complain about receiving a crit. The idea of the grading system was to minimise the amount of work we have to do as readers and give some sense of how ready for market the story is. Assuming the writers of the stories are happy to get crits, let's accept your work with thanks.

1 character development-2
2 plot-3
3 satisfactory ending-2
4 milieu-2
5 willing suspension of disbelief-2
6 unique/never been done before-2
7 writing style-1
8 dialogue-1
9 action-2
10 understandable ("I get it")-3

I've given a more detailed critique to Snapper, but basically agree with above.

1 character development 1.6 (A little below average. While the characters are outstanding, their personalities are wrapped up in their roles.)

2 plot 2 (Rising tension okay. You do write some top quality tension, but it only appears at the end of the story.)

3 satisfactory ending 2 (It didn't rock my world, but it was very good.)

4 milieu 3 (Excellent vocabulary, convincing authorial expertise, but see #10 below.)

5 willing suspension of disbelief 3+ (You drew me in completely. Nice.)

6 unique/never been done before 3 (Wonderfully original! I have never seen anything like this. You write a novel or a series of novels from your cool ideas here.)

7 writing style 1 (If you believe that you need so much emphasis (italics and all caps) then you don't have confidence in the strength of your word choices.)

8 dialogue 2 (No weakness in the dialogue, but nothing that stood out either. Fine for this story.)

9 action 1 (The story has very little action. In a 49 page story there are only 2-3 action pages. OSC might classify this as an "Idea" story, sort of like solving a murder mystery, so perhaps your level of action is right for this story.)

10 understandable ("I get it") 2 (I believe that I understand the whole story, but I have enough doubts that I can't give you a 3.)

Story overall: 2 (Possibly publishable in Asimov's or smaller sci-fi mags. Playboy and The New Yorker would not take it as it is. But I seriously think your idea is good enough that it could be made into a story with appeal that broad.)

"Gallant Upon the Sea"

Wow. Thanks for letting me read "Gallant, Upon the Sea." I think young adults of all ages will love it. I especially liked the milieu and its principal characters; the realism and morality of the Anglish contrasted nicely with the fascist evil of the Weirchny people. Their dialogue seemed authentic, with a nice mix of curses from our and their world.

I also liked the realistic details of handling ships and planes--do you sail and fly?

There's one area I'd suggest improving: When Crashburn visits Malkogia, there's a hint that he's upset by what the Weirchny have done to his country. It's not as strong a hint as I suspect he feels, so perhaps you need to establish his love for his country more strongly, before he flies into it.

I've scored it straight threes except for the ending, which I presume is a setup for episode 2--except it says "The End" so I was confused: was this the whole novella or episode 1 of a novella comprising several episodes. If it's the end of the work to be published, for me it doesn't work because it leaves me high and dry; if it's the end of the episode, then it's a fine cliff-hanger.

Story overall: 3

Story characteristics:
1 character development-3
2 plot-3
3 satisfactory ending-2
4 milieu-3
5 willing suspension of disbelief-3
6 unique/never been done before-3
7 writing style-3
8 dialogue-3
9 action-3
10 understandable ("I get it")-3

Thanks again for the read--when you get it published, let me know and I'll get a copy for my kids!

Hope this helps,
Pat

I thought about labeling the lead-in to Episode Two on page 66 "Epilogue." The epilogue would only be included if the stories were anthologized. That way Episode One would end with Crashburn's last line on page 65. What would you think of that?

1 character development 1.7 (Once the story progressed, I felt better about the two main characters. The third lowers the curve for the other two)

2 plot 1.9 (Can’t quite give you a two. Once I got through the first two thousand words I became immersed. Getting to that point was tough. The center of your story was outstanding)

3 satisfactory ending 1 (Too quick of a conclusion. Your main character didn’t show much regret with his decision. He also missed a person)

4 milieu 1.5 (I am taking this as what I thought of the setting. A high security training compound that proved to be not so secured. I did like the ideas of the rooms though)

5 willing suspension of disbelief 1.5 (You needed to take a leap to buy into it but I did, eventually)

6 unique/never been done before 2 (This had the flavor of a superhero story. It wasn’t but could have been with a minor change to the plot)

7 writing style 1 (I mentioned a few things that I had issues with in my critiqued)

8 dialogue 2 (I didn’t have an issue with too much of the dialog. Some of the exchanges between the two main characters I thought were outstanding)

9 action 1 (Not much action but what there was could have been done better)

10 understandable ("I get it") 2 (Intriguing. I got your idea. The ending did fall a little flat)

I’ve read everybody’s but Doc’s. Leaving Tiergan’s out of it because I’ve read a lot more than he offered, I think this one had the most potential out of all the stories I read. Two-thirds of this story I thought was brilliant. It’s that other third that needs major attention. I think if you surgically cut it down to 8000 words it would have a legitimate shot. As it is getting through that first 1500 words would be a tough sell. As an editor I would have dumped out by the second page.

1 character development 1.5 (They started off well but their roles fell into a cliché nitch and their were too many)

2 plot 2 (Plot was pretty straight forward. A little too straight, the twist didn’t quite work)

3 satisfactory ending 1 (Nope. See 5)

4 milieu 1.5 (I think it being told in a college is the right place. Getting your opposition to eat your dinner in your office at a college that specializes in scientific research seemed like an unlikely setting)

5 willing suspension of disbelief 1 (The antagonist became really accepting of getting brainwashed. I found it really unlikely they were willing to help the rest of their friends go through the same treatment)

6 unique/never been done before 2 (I’ve read similar stories but they didn’t quite take this route)

7 writing style 2 (A solid prose but the presentation needs a little work)

8 dialogue 1.5 (The characters were cliché. The scientist didn’t seem that bright either)

9 action 1 (Not much action)

10 understandable ("I get it") 2 (I did get it but couldn’t buy into it completely)

This one had the best opening and I was excited enough to plow right into it. I would have read eagerly past the first page but as an Assistant Editor with a couple hundred more submissions to get through, I would have gave up before the end.

1 character development 2.3 (Only one character and I got a good sense what she was about)

2 plot 2 (Plot was pretty straight forward. Not a lot to it, though))

3 satisfactory ending 2.7 (I really liked the twist at the end and I wasn’t expecting it. I can’t quite give you a 3 though.)

4 milieu 1.5 (The setting was just a few letters. Not much to build on)

5 willing suspension of disbelief 2.5 (Although unlikely, I did buy into it)

6 unique/never been done before 2 (Letters to a prisoner have been done before. The twist did make it unique enough to earn a two)

7 writing style 2.4 (Written well as an enthusiastic young bible thumper in search of a soul mate)

8 dialogue 2

9 action 1 (Not much action)

10 understandable ("I get it") 2.2 (I did get it)

Of the submissions, it has the best shot of a sale (and that includes Jeanne’s That I have read). Although I doubt it has a shot at a Pro-Market. It just isn’t that unique. It would have a good shot in a place like Flash Me.

Tough crit this, snapper, I hope you're sitting down.

Story overall--1

1 character development--2--I could see the characters, but they felt a bit plastic.
2 plot--2--good concept but I'd expect more tension and conflict
3 satisfactory ending--1--the ethical character ultimately caved
4 milieu--2--it's fine, but again a bit plastic
5 willing suspension of disbelief--2--it was too easy for the bad guy to do bad things
6 unique/never been done before--2--I've seen stories before of enhancing disadvantaged people with drugs--but it's relevant to today's world
7 writing style--1--sometimes I had to re-read paras, to understand what was going on
8 dialogue--1--a bit stiff, using formal English where I'd expect informal
9 action--1--there wasn't much action, which is okay, it's not an action story
10 understandable ("I get it")--3--I certainly understood the story

I've sent you a detailed crit by e-mail.

Thanks for the honest crits, snapper, I agree they're what we need to get to market.

Doc: I almost suggested cutting it off at the point you mention, but it still leaves a cliff-hanger. Are you sure it's not a novel? (I've sent you a suggestion for it in e-mail.)

So that's two (snapper and me) for September--can we get to six again?

Cheers,
Pat

For me the scheme encouraged a certain honesty. When I was grading a story, I was sometimes inclined towards a two, to encourage the writer. But when I referred back to the meaning of the '2' grade--"as good as the best authors published today"--to be true to myself and honest with the writer, I had to back down to a one. I hope that was helpful.

My story received 1's and 2's and I found that enormously helpful, the 2's encouraging. I know now what I need to do to make it market-ready, and also I've learned some lessons I can apply to other stories.

For me it was instructive to crit some stories that have already been workshopped. Their basic problems had been ironed out and in one or two areas the author was grappling with problems that I too am facing. In analysing why for me the story did not work, I learned lessons I can bring to my own work.

I'm open to changes to the scheme if anyone wants to suggest some, provided they're in sympathy with the basic concept and not an administrative burden.

I agree with snapper--anyone else any comments on the RFM challenge?

quote:

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I have a fantasy piece, under 3K, that's just come back from ASIM. "liked the story; ending's weak." <deep sigh>
I'd love some insight and/or suggestions.

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Hey kathyton,

Well first, it's great that you submitted the story and even better that you got more than a form rejection. (What's ASIM? If it's Asimov's, more than a form rejection surely means you're getting there.) But, I understand the sigh. And, endings are tough.

Would you like to contribute it to the September RFM cycle?

I thought the characters was where the story missed the most, I felt if they were developed more, I would feel their pain, their desires and passions. As a struggling writer I really thought I should connect more and I didnt. I feel if the connection were there, this story would be easily publishable. I really enjoyed it and thought it was a near miss. Again I think that if the characters are brought up to snuff, then every other item would be brought up to at least 2's and several 3's. I have sent a few crit thoughts already to you Snapper hope to get the rest out today. But well done.