Deep blue. It drifted past the spinning escape pod's circular window every minute or so. Down there, a few high-velocity minutes away, lay the planet. For a second my mind drifted and I smelt its salt-laden air, tasted its foaming seas. I shook my head to clear it. "Update, pod?" "I am unable to fix the ejecta damage--we're locked in a stable orbit,' the pod answered with measured precision. "And we've almost vented all the air. Sorry." I lifted my hand close to my face. The flesh was turning a subtle shade of cyan as my body starved of oxygen. My thoughts seemed...slow, sluggish. "I'm not...gonna make it, am I?" The pod paused for a moment. "No." The blue oceans drifted into view again; so very near...
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 09, 2010).]
The night is as black as my undead heart. A scent of blood rides the wind. A throbbing neck calls to me from the darkness. Tonight I will feed.
"Oh," the man said with a start, "Didn't see you there...hey, I know you. Didn't you use to be Dracula?"
"Yes, I am," I reply with a fangy smile, "and tonight you die."
He screams--with excitement. "O-M-G. My friends won't believe me. I told them you are real but they think vampires are bedazzled romantics. Can I get a pic for FB? They're waiting at the restaurant now."
"I must admit," I answer as he holds a phonecam out, "I'm a bit flattered." The flash is bright but doesn't hurt. STATUS UPDATE: ME AND DRACK BEFORE DINNER
The black phone drops as my teeth rip into his neck.
[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited May 08, 2010).]
Mountains of gold. That suited Nowell just fine. He flapped his leathery wings, snorted a puff or two of fire to clear his sinuses, and settled in for the night sleeping on his hoard.
"Wake up!" A little figure in golden armor jabbed a lance in his tummy. "I have come to take your life and your gold."
Nowell gave the little man a dragon smile. "You don't have to poke around. Take what you want." He chuckled and emitted a few puffs of smoke.
The little man's eyes bulged. "I don't have to kill you?"
"Heavens, no. Take what you can carry." Nowell waited for the little man to take off his helmet and start filling it with gold, then gave him blast of fire. "Nothing like a toasted little man for breakfast." He licked his dragon chops and dug in.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited May 15, 2010).]
Green. Not a soft, fresh grass green, or a dark pine needle, but a fluorescent bright, pea soup green. It was all Dave saw, the color that burned into his retinas the day of the solar flash. “How are you doing today?” German accent. Heidi. Damn Europeans. Why didn’t the sun flare while it shone on their side of the world? “Same as before, just one of 200 million disabled Americans.” Heidi answered with silence. Not her fault. “Sorry, it’s just…” The green nothingness came alive. It rippled, morphing into a pair of humanoid shapes. The shapes turned their heads and walked, disappearing as if they stepped through a door. “Are you okay?” Heidi asked. “You look like you saw a ghost.” “I think I just did.”
The world for us was over, but what was left behind was more verdant green than Soylent green. Now the world was finally at peace. The world was still and always growing. The tall untrimmed lawns swayed in the gentle breezes, trees grew so tall that the crumbling houses they surrounded, from above, felt as carefully placed stones in a well planned forest. Mother Earth didn't miss us when we left. And those of us whose bones were left behind, those of us who moved through walls and floated on the breeze like little wisps in the wind... Those of us who remembered the time before the judgement fell, those who tasted the clean, and the green, and the reaching, stretching freedom; we did not miss us either. Somewhere deep in the forest, a tree fell.
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited June 03, 2010).]
“Go play!” The woman swept her tawny boy out the door along with the odd assortment of winter tracked debris. Hours of fervent spring cleaning passed in the tidy house. Then turned round, she spied brown slime on latch and trailed across the shiny floor.
The lad had returned, new-clad in umber globs of muck. His impish grin, embedded in filth, was all the woman could recognize. “You’re made of mud!” she wailed and marched him to the tub. Lather and scour would surely restore her boy.
Dirt washed away, but his form grew no cleaner, just thinner, then smaller, then vanished complete. Devoid of a body, the grin still hung in the air. Wider and wider it beamed at her; then burst, with a pop disappeared. The woman’s mouth grew as round as the bubbles in the empty tub.
I saw it first the Monday before she was to leave, a bright yellow bracelet, hauntingly beautiful amongst the merchant's drab stock. I knew she'd love it, but I had no cash with me. It was there again Tuesday, but a bolt of fear gripped me. Would she be offended? Did she feel the same way? Indecisive, I kept walking, a yellow streak in my vision remaining, accusing. Wednesday I talked myself into buying it over breakfast. I approached the stall flustered, the lemon band on the rack a harbinger of the unknown. As my eyes met the merchant's my cell rang. I smiled apologetically and walked away. She left last night and flew home. I never told her how I feel. And as I passed the stall this morning, the bracelet was gone. But the yellow remained.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited May 12, 2010).]
I sit in my hospital bed staring at the window, trying to see the window not what is beyond it. Not the sky streaked with stray clouds or the blossom covered trees being tugged by the wind, but the clear glass. Colorless.
I turn away from the window, thinking has exhausted me, but not as much as when I think of those I will leave behind, my children, my husband. Thoughts of them bring a pain I cannot endure. Unlike my physical pain that my meds only dilute. I find a small comfort in that pain. At least I can still feel.
I close my eyes and embrace the darkness. I wish death would be like this, an eternal black abyss. But black is something, and once I die, there will be nothing, colorless and painless.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited May 15, 2010).]
Purple was such an ugly color an odd combination of blue and red mashed together. Jillian dipper her brush into the dark plum blob of paint and streaked it on the wall of her room. Behind her a jittery elfman dressed in green tapped his foot on the floor. Bells jangled with each beat of his foot. “Are you sure if I paint this wall in purple stripes that you will be able to return to where you came from?” He nodded. The bells were getting to me and so were the paint fumes. The last stripe went a little curvy and the little man started screaming obscenities. The wall wavered and the little man went silent as a purple troll stepped through the wall. In one quick movement he shot the elfman, doffed his hat and left. Jillian smiled.
[This message has been edited by satate (edited May 14, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by satate (edited May 15, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by satate (edited May 15, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by satate (edited May 15, 2010).]
The Lander came out of the eastern sky and settled gently in the open area next to the lake. The door sliced open and B’tuk stepped out into the warm afternoon light. He paused taking in the calm, blue water. The forest pressed in close around him, the smell of the pines permeated the air. Out of the lake she came, blue skin shedding the water like rain off a D’narian shingle. She wore a diaphanous blue gown and was the most beautiful being he had ever seen. Slowly she approached him and kissed him gently. Electricity flowed to his soul, she was indeed rare. As she turned to return to the lake, he pulled out his Malechete and felled her with a single blow. “Dinner will be particularly fine tonight”, he thought as he drug her into his craft.
[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited May 14, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited May 14, 2010).]
With loud cracks, blood splattered the panels of pigmented glass comprising the gothic window. As it coalesced it tainted the picture of the jigsaw saint, and there was a muffled thud. Below, a boy in a bloody altar robe towered over his afflicter, now nothing but a dark mass amidst a scarlet pool. Father Thomas was dead, without a doubt.
“That’s taking it to him, boy,” the voice said.
The boy let drop the metal cross he had used to bludgeon this monster. The cross was consumed by the scarlet pool.
“I can see that you and I are going to have a bright future together,” the voice said.
The boy said nothing. He walked up the aisles and opened the front door. He grinned. His future was bright like the day.
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited May 15, 2010).]
It is a humorous piece and some of the humour elements work for me--some don't. It's a good effort. Complete story--nothing outstanding. Single colour.
Entry Three
Dragons and gold. This was another humour piece. I think I was a little predictable, but nicely written. I think once you established that it is a dragon's POV you can drop 'dragon smile' and 'dragon chops'--we know. Complete story. Single colour.
Entry 4
I like this entry--however I have some issues with it. The prose is fine. So Dave is blind and sees green...and an interesting situation (solar flares and blindness) becomes more interesting with him seeing 'ghosts'. What's it all about? Dunno--it ends on a hook and feels like an intro. Incomplete story (IMO). Single colour.
Entry 5
I liked this one. A little poetry, but I have questions...that said, I don't think it is an incomplete story.
I think this is a dependent clause that lacks a independent clause:
And those of us whose bones were left behind, those of us who moved through walls and floated on the breeze like little wisps in the wind.
I love the last line...
Complete story--single colour.
Entry 6:
I liked this. Not sure I like the 'she wailed'. I think you could have had an action tag instead of the said-bookism. Nice.
Complete story and a single colour.
Entry 7:
I like this entry. Needs some tidying with regards the odd comma. 'A yellow streak in my vision'--is it a light? I could go with a yellow streak in his mind...
Complete story--single colour.
Entry 8
This is nicely written, but feels like it is a vignette. When I say that I mean that there are no plot elements unfolding and no character changes. It feels complete for a vignette style story. A single colour.
Entry 9:
The story developed quite nicely, but seemed hurried at the end. I didn't really understand the why's and wherefore's of the situation--not that you could have done that in 13 lines--but the hat-doffing, ready to shoot troll that stepped out and away seemed to require a explanation.
Complete story-single colour.
Entry 10:
This was well written although I had some problems with word choices.
...sliced open. I get 'sliced' when it refers to a door sliding shut but since knives cutting tends to refer to the gap closing I stumbled on the usage.
Malechete. Is this a machete? Just a typo? The usual recommendation is to call a rabbit a rabbit not rabblit. Why is it capitalised?
Drug. 'Dragged' is the past of 'to drag'.
The story started well, but seemed to end hurriedly and surprisingly.
Complete story--single colour.
Entry 11: Creepy. Nice.
Complete story--single colour.
Votes:
1st: Entry 7 - Bounding Hue
2nd:Entry 6 - Spring Cleaning
3rd: Entry 11 - Rose-Colored Stains
Title: Post-Apologetic
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 16, 2010).]
posted
Entry 1 - Forever A Moon I felt this read very smoothly, and I really liked how the title provided the denouement. My only complaint - minor as it is - is that the transition of blue moving to the pilot and then away again (to the ocean) was anticlimactic.
Entry 2 - The Vampire APP I found this amusing, and yet ultimately unfulfilling due to its ending. I'm also not a fan of blood & horror, which colours (ahem) my votes. Rather than a story, it feels more like a vignette. I also wasn't sure what APP is?
Entry 3 - Nowell and the Little Man I liked the informal voice in this, with terms like 'tummy', which seemed refreshing given the setting. Although this ended similarly (imo) to Entry 2, I think my main beef was that I didn't see enough character development for the ending to be satisfying.
Entry 4 - The Green Void I wanted to like this, I could almost envisage something... and yet, I just completely missed it - I still can't quite figure out what it's about, or what happened. The specific shade of green (flourescent bright, pea soup) seems less important than clarifying whatever it is that I've missed. I may be slow.
Entry 5 - Post-Apologetic I didn't know what to make of this. On the one hand, it was beautiful, almost poetic. On the other hand, it wasn't obvious what 'us' was; the obvious conclusion is humans (or the memory thereof) but I felt like I had to make a leap there that I shouldn't. As a result the ending didn't pay off for me. Also, will the average reader be able to picture Soylent Green? And is it an intentional reference to '70s film?
Entry 6 - Spring Cleaning I thought this story was cute, it was reasonably easy to picture. I felt the only thing that really let it down was the delivery; there were a couple of places where I felt a sentence could be reworked to make it flow better.
Entry 8 - Nothingness I think trying to pull of the idea of picturing a lack of colour was a hard ask in such a short space. I find it difficult to explain my problem economically, but I think it's just that I felt being 'colourless' could have been better shown as a lack of hue than a transparent emptiness.
Entry 9 - Purple Plenty I liked the direction this was going, but the troll just came out of (literally) nowhere and I really didn't understand Jillian's reaction. The dipper typo bugged me, but I also wasn't sure if it really switched from third ("Jillian") to first ("getting to me") or if the narrator was someone else.
Entry 10 - Blue is the Color of My True Love's Skin The imagery here was convincing given the limited space, and I liked the use of diaphanous. I dropped out of the story though when he unexplainedly kills her, because I've had no opportunity to connect to the character or understand motive. I was also bugged by drug(dragged?), Malechete(machete?), the grammar of the Electricity sentence.
Entry 11 - Rose-Colored Stains Given the limited space, the imagery here was vivid, and I really liked that. I felt it was let down by a common problem, which was I feel the story raised more questions than it answered, leaving me wondering why the boy has done this, who the voice is, who he is, what Father Thomas did. If I'd had (or was sensitive enough to detect) a clue as to the motive I might be less bothered by it.
posted
Skadder Entry One Forever A Moon So sad. It's interesting that, for me, the story arc depends on two words 'ejecta damage'. I was a bit jarred by the pod saying it was sorry. For some reason I felt disconnected a bit from the MC. But this did a good job of meeting all the judging criteria except I didn't feel the color was thoroughly embedded in the piece.
Dark Warrior Entry Two The Vampire APP This is loaded with a lot of hidden world building. I liked the twist (screams—with excitement) but I thought it a bit of a stretch that if he recognized Dracula that he would realize he might be Drack's dinner. I felt the prose a bit jerky. The story arc was fine. The use of color didn't quite seem embedded in the piece.
snapper Entry 4 The Green Void This one was a bit of a stretch. Maybe it needs the story more than some of the others. The ghosts need more explanation. Their existence is a great hook. The story arc was adequate. The prose was fine. The use of color was good.
shimiqua Entry 5 Post-Apologetic Great title. I was wondering where the story was as well as wondering where the narrator was. That made the opening waver a bit. Perhaps I'm a bit thick, but for the final sentence to have it's bite, it needs a bit more of a link to the phrase. 'a tree fell but there was no one to hear.' The story arc seemed a bit out of focus. The prose was very good and the color worked.
RoxyL Entry 6 Spring Cleaning Cute little story… like a fairy tale without a moral and I think that keeps this from rating higher. I didn't get a sense of conflict or a sense of why the boy dissolved. The color use was fine and the prose was enjoyable.
BenM Entry 7 Bounding Hue This was very good. The sentiment is strong in this one, however I thought it might have been a real struggle to get the relationship set. Why would she be offended by a bracelet? That stopped me as I read trying to figure out where he stood with her. The last four sentences were the best part of the opening and I liked the way the story arc closed. The story arc was nearly there with a very good sense of ending. The color was used well. The prose was fine
MAP Entry 8 Nothingness I think this came really close, but as you talked about in the other thread, the color part seemed to get in the way a bit. I found this a very melancholy piece. This seemed a bit more of a vignette than a story. Color use was fair in that the real color was 'clear', yet black seemed to be thrown in. The prose was the best part.
satate Entry 9 Purple Plenty I think this piece needed a cue to keep the reader from wondering if it was a modern setting or medieval or whatever. It held me up a bit as I read. I don't quite buy a few little squiggles are going to spoil the spell. My last thought was what was Jillian going to do with the body? The arc would work better if we had a cue that Jillian was irritated with the elfman. Without that the end was a bit of a trick on the reader. The prose was okay and the color was well integrated into the story.
Utahute72 Entry 10 Blue is the Color of My True Love's Skin I thought the twist was too abrupt for the reader and a bit brutal. (and I have a dragon eating a knight… who am I to say?) I was wondering why the woman (or whatever she was) was so trusting. The story arc seemed more of a trick than a twist, but it was complete. The color was adequately represented. I felt the prose was a bit florid, but it worked well enough.
philocinemas Entry 11 Rose-Colored Stains I had to read this a few times to understand it. Who is the voice? I thought it might be the monster, but it appears the monster was Father Thomas. I had some issues with some of your language, Does blood coalesce as is flows down a window? I had visions of the blood collecting into a single mass. The cross being consumed by the scarlet pool—did the cross dissolve in the Father's blood? If you rewrite this, you'll have to answer those questions. The color was integrated well enough, but issues with the prose got in the way. The story arc was nearly there.
First Place: Bounding Hue, Ben M – not speculative, but a very vivid story arc with actual try-fail cycles.
Second Place: Spring Cleaning, RoxyL – lacked conflict, but it was a fun little piece.
Third Place: The Vampire APP, Dark Warrior – Color use was a little weak, but 'Me and Drack before Dinner' put this above the other deaths/meals at the end.
Title: Shimiqua – Post-Apologetic
Lots of Honorable Mentions, but one that sticks out was The Green Void. It was a great opening, but the end was a hook rather than a closed story arc. Post-Apologetic was written well, but didn't quite have the story arc either. Overall a good group of openings.
posted
Entry 1 – Forever a Moon Well written. I liked the sympathetic pod. I felt a little like the story had no beginning, just the final scene, not quite complete, though it was implied with the damage. ‘Cyan’ was a nice touch.
Entry 2 – The Vampire APP Okay, I really like this one. I thought it was a very clever take on the current vampire fad. It was a complete story with good characterization. The first line, ‘black as my undead heart,’ was a great hook.
Entry 3 – Nowell and the Little Man I liked the lightheartedness of this. The wording like ‘poke around,’ ‘jabbed his tummy,’ etc. really set the mood nicely. One quibble, he had just settled down for the night in the first paragraph and then ate breakfast in the last. Maybe a midnight snack instead?
Entry 4 – The Green Void This was very well written. The idea of an entire continent taken out by a solar flare is cool. However, for me the ghost thing (also a great twist) came too late and I didn’t feel like I got a complete story – the beginning of a very good story - but not a satisfying ending to this story.
Entry 5 – Post-Apologetic The imagery in this was beautifully eerie. The story seemed to be a flashback, told in a hazy way (like a ghost would, huh?).
Entry 6 – Spring Cleaning – I’ll abstain from this one.
Entry 7 – Bounding Hue This had a very nice flow to it and told the story of angst and indecision and consequences well. My only critique would be that the last sentence did not have the level of melancholy that would have punched the story home for me. Instead, I kinda scratched my head over the meaning of ‘the yellow remained.’
Entry 8 – Nothingness The first paragraph sets up this vignette nicely. It is easy to envision the turmoil the woman must be going through. It felt like a glimpse of her life.
Entry 9 – Purple Plenty The description of purple as ‘mashed red and blue’ was great. The use of ‘jittery and jangled’ set up the mood nicely. Foreshadowing the dire consequences of painting badly could have strengthened the ending, which seemed a little abrupt to me.
Entry 10 – Blue is the Color of my True Love’s Skin The description was very well done. I like the peaceful setting. However, it made the last two lines seem too jarring. There was no set up that would help me understand or empathize with this scene.
Entry 11 – Rose-Colored Stains The writing was tight and evocative. I liked the description of the ‘jigsaw saint.’ To me this story left too many questions unanswered to be complete. The main one being, who was that voice? It seemed like a good beginning to a story, just not a complete one.
1st - Entry 2 - The Vampire APP 2nd – Entry 7 - Bounding Hue 3rd – Entry 3 - Nowell and the Little Man Title – Entry 5 - Post-Apologetic
posted
Entry 1 - I love it. I like the tone and the feeling and felt that the whole story was nicely encapsulated within thirteen lines.
Entry 2 - Kind of cute and funny with vampires and texting. It's kind of too silly for me though.
Entry 3 - I thought this one was fun and I liked the ending.
Entry 4 - I liked the interplay of the two characters and thought that it was well characterized for only thirteen lines. I didn't get what the ghost was though or what was really happening with that.
Entry 5 - I liked the last line the best but the whole thing was pretty good even if it didn't really have characters.
Entry 6 - I thought this story had a good beginning middle and end and really liked it.
Entry 7 - I really liked this one too and how you weaved in the color into the story.
Entry 8 - This one was a bit too depressing and I felt it didn't really have a whole story. This could be a snippet from a book.
Entry 9 - This one was just dumb and absurd.
Entry 10 - I liked how the ending in this one surprised me and it made me laugh. I like things that make me laugh.
Entry 11 - I didn't get how loud cracks accompanied the blood. The first sentence was hard to get through and I had to read it several times. The next sentence was hard to get through as well. The rest was good, if a bit disturbing. It also wasn't really the end, but rather the beginning of a story. It could be an end if you stretched it, but there were others that had more complete endings.
1st - Entry 1 Forever A Moon 2nd - Entry 6 Spring Cleaning 3rd - Entry 10 Blue is the Color of My True Love's Skin
Title - Post Apologetic
[This message has been edited by satate (edited May 17, 2010).]
posted
Entry 1 – Forever a Moon Great concept, smooth prose, and a very satisfying ending. Solid writing as always.
Entry 2 – The Vampire APP This one was hilarious. The tone fit the story, and I felt very satisfied by the ending. Nicely done.
Entry 3 – Nowell and the Little Man I liked this one too. It fit the prompt and delivered a satisfying ending. My only complaint is why would the guy would wake the dragon up to tell him he was going to kill him; why wouldn't he just kill the dragon? Other than that I thought it was fun.
Entry 4 – The Green Void This was an interesting concept and would have gotten top vote if this was an intro challenge. But it left too many unanswered questions to be satisfying to me.
Entry 5 – Post-Apologetic Beautifully written and almost poetic. I liked the tone, but the ending didn't work for me. It felt tacked on.
Entry 6 – Spring Cleaning This one was cute. It had to be written by a parent. Nice prose and a satisfying ending. Well done.
Entry 7 – Bounding Hue I really liked this one, but the a yellow bracelet bugged me. It would have been better to have chosen silver or gold or amber. I couldn't get a tacky plastic yellow bracelet image out of my head. Other than that the prose was good, and the story felt complete. And I am a sucker for the love lost thing.
Entry 9 – Purple Plenty This one was fun, and I loved the last line. It did deliver a satisfying story.
Entry 10 – Blue is the Color of my True Love’s Skin I liked the prose and it did deliver a satisfying story. But the twist ending didn't work for me. There was no hints of it at all which cheapened it a little.
Entry 11 – Rose-Colored Stains This was another well-written entry that did not leave me satisfied. This felt like an intro with too many interesting questions: why did the boy kill the priest, who or what was the voice, was the boy good or evil? I would read on, very intriguing.
I liked this one a lot, but I'm an old time SF fan. Has a Heinlein or early Asimov feel to it. The writing helped me feel part of the plot. It was a little predictable to me, but then I've read a LOT of Sci Fi.
Complete Story and the Color Theme is there.
Entry Two
Dark Warrior
The Vampire APP
This one was interesting. I liked the setup and concept, but I think you telegraphed the punchline too early. If I know up front the guy is gonna get killed it seems the rest is sorta anti-climatic.
Complete Story and the Color Theme is there, if a little more hidden.
Entry Three
Oswam
Nowell and the Little Man
Nice story with a nice little twist. The plot line was a little like one of those old fables where the protagonist tricks the antagonist into doing what he wants. One minor quibble, I think Gold Armor was over the top. I know it's a fantasy, but no self respecting knight faces a dragon in gold armor, the melting point is too low.
Complete Story and Color Theme evident.
Entry Four
Snapper
The Green Void
I really liked this one too. Good descriptive text and I felt what the protagonist is feeling. The ending left enough of a question to make me think. Did his sight really come back for an instant or did his brain make him think so?
Complete Story and Color Theme Evident.
Entry Five
Shamiqua
Post-Apologetic
This one was really tough for me. I liked the writing it drew me in. Good feel for the setting. Bonus points for the reference of a SF classic "Soylent Green". The ending was a little cutsie for me, but also I sorta liked the tip o' the had to the old conundrum. "If a tree fall and no one hears it...." The whole Mother Earth and missing spirits keeps we waffling back and forth from nice feel to too ethereal.
Complete Story and Color theme obvious.
Entry Six
RoxyL
Spring Cleaning
I kept waiting for Alice to jump out of the tub. I found the structure to be a little disjointed, probably by the nature of the 13 line limitation. I wonder if it might have been better to start with the kid comming in and not have him go out and come back. The ending was a little flat.
Complete story and color theme obvious.
Entry Seven
BenM
Bounding Hue
I think the writing was pretty good, but in the end I just didn't care about the main character. He sounds a little wishy washy for my taste. A little bit of intrigue in the ending, but by then I really didn't care.
Complete Story and color theme obvious
Entry Eight
MAP
Nothingness
I'm probably a little dense but I really didn't sense anything here that really interested me. I'm left wondering why should I care. I think the writing is descriptive enough, but in the end I wonder why.
Complete story and color theme obvious
Entry Nine
Satate
Purple Plenty
Another story I liked. This one is a little limmericky, but I like the twist of having the troll shoot the elf as an escape.
Complete Story, color theme evident
Entry 10
Mine
Sorry guys, some times the serial killer in me leaks out. My wife often looks at me as if I'm from another universe after reading something I wrote.
Entry 11
philocinemas
Rose-Colored Stains
Looks like I have a fellow Criminal Minds fan here. Interesting little story, somewhat disturbing. The writing is good and put me in the frame of reference of the main character.
Complete Story and Color Theme obvious.
My votes:
1 Entry 4 - Snapper, The Green Void 2 Entry 1 - Skadder, Forever A Moon 3 Entry 5 - Shimiqua, Post Apologetic (In the end I kept comming back to it and anything that makes me think that much deserves something.)
posted
Entry 1 Upon second reading, I found I liked this one very much. The combination of the title and the prose left a kind of sad moody feel, which is appropriate considering the color you chose. Good.
Entry 2, This one was hilarious, but the color wasn't really clear. I had to reread it to catch the color. I think it is because the most powerful image for me was blood, and the image on the phone. The actual black phone wasn't as interesting.
Entry 3, Interesting, well done, but too familiar a concept for my taste.
Entry 4, I really liked this one, but I don't understand the hook. What are the green ghosts, and why can't Heidi see them? I just don't understand.
Entry 5, mine.
Entry 6, I love this one. This one, to me, had the most complete story, and the best use of the color. The color was the story, and I dug that. Well done.
Entry 7, I really love this one too. Man there are some talented people here. Feels honest.
Entry 8, This one is depressing. There is not really any hope. So good job if you were trying to go Literary, but for my tastes it felt to dark.
Entry 9, There is a switch from third to first, and I'm left wondering what Jillian is thinking. Now what is she going to do with purple stripes, and an elf man's dead body? the story doesn't quite feel complete.
Entry 10, Good title, and surprise ending. Good.
Entry 11, Creepy, but there is no hope, and the story doesn't really feel over.
My votes, 1st place, Entry 6 Spring Cleaning 2nd place, Entry 7 Bounding Hue 3rd place, Entry 1 Forever A Moon
quote: I liked this one, well written with nice variations of blue. Just a little slow, sluggish for me. Good entry
Entry Two
Dark Warrior
The Vampire APP
quote:Cliche
Entry Three
Oswam
Nowell and the Little Man
quote: Had an air of familiarity to me, that I cant put my finger on. Written well, good light humor, and good capture of the color.
Entry Four
Snapper
The Green Void
quote: Initial color was well done but a little much for me. I liked the ending and the dialogue. Another nice entry.
Entry Five
Shamiqua
Post-Apologetic
quote:Hmm. If its overgrown, not mowed, wild and free, is it still a lawn? Well written. The 'we did not miss us' is a good concept but I had to stop and re-read to make sure it wasnt a typeo
Entry Six
RoxyL
Spring Cleaning
quote:Couple typo's but the story carried it and i Liked. Nice descripters and good imagination.
Entry Seven
BenM
Bounding Hue
quote: lol...thought it was a Livestrong bracelet at first. I liked this but it probably could have used a bit of dialogue but worked without it. Little sad which I liked.
Entry Eight
MAP
Nothingness
quote: Had a roll of humor stories now the sad ones are on a roll. I liked this though. It made me feel.
Entry Nine
Satate
Purple Plenty
quote: Interesting story. I was a little confused on the POV with the he's and me's and I's. Had to keep back tracking.
Entry 10
Mine
quote: I was into it until 'electricity flowed to his soul' that kind of pulled me out of the story. 3rd victim eaten for dinner story so the ending wasnt as fresh as it could have been if the story was solo.
Entry 11
philocinemas
Rose-Colored Stains
quote: disturbing. very political story these days and I like how the boy resolved it but i am too saturated with this for me to truly enjoy it. Well written.
My votes:
1 Entry 6 - Roxyl, Spring Cleaning 2 Entry 8 - MAP, Nothingness 3 Entry 3 - Owasm, Nowell and the Little Man
Title: Post Apologetic
[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited May 17, 2010).]
posted
Lesson one, always read the guidelines. Going to have to change my name to ‘Sluggish’. This wasn’t a hook challenge, but I wrote mine like it was. Let’s see how everyone did.
Entry One Forever A Moon
Cute. Would be really good if it was expanded but lacked that final punch to make it a good micro-fiction. A rewording of the last line might have did the trick.
Entry Two The Vampire APP
Cuter. Liked the voice of the second character, even if he comes off as a bit feminine. A nice micro-flash. You can find a home for it.
Entry Three Nowell and the Little Man
Cute too. Get an artist and this would make a fun children’s book.
Entry 5 Post-Apologetic
Deceptively deep. A ghost’s eulogy for a fallen species? Nice idea. That last line was powerful, IMO. I get the clever metaphor, nice work Sheena. I have a suggestion for you; you have ‘The world’ starting the first three sentences, a bit too repetitive. Rework that first paragraph and you have a homerun.
Entry 6 Spring Cleaning
Cute. Guess we do know what little boys are made of after all. Like the descriptive wording. It bordered purple-ish but the author didn’t cross that line.
Entry 7 Bounding Hue
Nice ending. Great use of the color prompt. High marks on following the spirit of the challenge.
Entry 8 Nothingness
Very poetic. Depressing, but complete. Nice entry.
Entry 9 Purple Plenty
Funny. You couldn’t get that last line to fit, could you? Cut the last two words and submit this somewhere. I liked it.
Entry 10 Blue is the Color of My True Love's Skin
I like twist endings but this one was a bit too much. Clever, in a cannibalistic way.
Entry 11 Rose-Colored Stains
Sounds like a good opening to one dark story. I wanted to know what the voice was and why the priest was dead.
Strong entries. It is clear how these challenges benefit everyone’s writing. Over the past year I have seen the improvement of all the people that continue to play. Almost all of these would have won this challenge a year ago. A testament on how competition improves quality. Now to pick my favorites.
First Entry 7 Bounding Hue
It was clear to me why the bracelet was yellow. Excellent use of a prompt. Excellent way to tie it into a complete story in 13 lines. Find a micro-fiction contest and submit it.
Second Entry 5 Post-Apologetic
I can see why others didn’t pick this. It was a poem and read like one. Reword this slightly and submit it as poetry. Guarantee a sale. This one was my favorite but BenM’s clever use of the color gave it the nod.
Third Entry Two The Vampire APP
The funniest one out of the bunch (but it was a close call with Satate’s)
Best title Entry One Forever A Moon
So clever a title it nearly made my top three. He sure did end up being Forever A Moon, didn’t he?
posted
1 - Forever A Moon - I liked this a lot. Great imagery. Nitpicks: pod's use of contractions (minor), and cyan and "deep blue" aren't exactly the same color (but close enough).
2 - The Vampire APP - A bite of humor. Funny or not, I didn't buy the man's reaction to "and tonight you die" and his other behavior. Some of the wording was unnatural - "Didn't you use to be Dracula?"
3 - Nowell and the Little Man - Cute. I found it ironic that the man chose to wake the dragon before trying to kill it. The time slip was a little bothersome. As was the "dragon" adjectives.
4 - The Green Void - Great story idea. However, I don't think that many would go blind (most would be inside a building). "German accent" threw me off at first - it might work better after the dialogue. I became slightly confused with the ending.
5 - Post-Apologetic - Poetic. "Soylent green" threw me off - couldn't relate this to the movie. The words "feel" in the first paragraph and "remember" in the second should have been past tense. Uses of "we" and "us" were confusing.
6 - Spring Cleaning - Excellent. I loved this one, nothing to criticize. As for story structure, the woman's spring cleaning was the inciting incident, the "pop" was the climax, and the last sentence is the resolution. The "muck" was the conflict. Well done.
7 - Bounding Hue - Another good one. I liked the double meaning of "yellow". This did a good job telling the story without being overly expository. I felt like it did a very good job of expressing the fear of liking someone and not know if the feeling is mutual.
8 - Nothingness - Very sad. Somewhat poetic - Sylvia Plath-like. The "Unlike my physical pain..." sentence would work better as a subordinate phrase to the previous sentence. This would make the following sentences more powerful. Didn't feel finished.
9 - Purple Plenty - I didn't understand this completely, so we obviously lost each other. Did she paint the stripe curvy on purpose so a troll would get the elf? Is this common knowledge? Also "dipper" threw me off and you could use a few extra commas to help it read better.
10 - Blue is the Color of My True Love's Skin - Unusual. It definitely caught me off guard. The "Malechete" threw me off a bit. I question the evolutionary line that would produce a creature that comes up and kisses it predator - but then again...
11 - Rose-Colored Stains - I recently read some Stephen King. I didn't think it would be that hard to understand, but I knew it probably wouldn't be a fan-favorite.
First - Spring Cleaning Second - Forever A Moon Third - Bounding Hue
Title - Post-Apologetic
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited May 18, 2010).]
posted
Thanks again for running this skadder, as always it's been a great prompt to get writing again.
I found this challenge really educational. I think it's interesting to see how we all vote, and how that might reflect the stories we submitted, personal taste, or other factors: Factors which we may have to take into account when submitting to a market in the future. Mind you, I realise a demographic of 11 doesn't a hard and fast rule make.
I also found it surprising that very few people were picking up on the meaning of my last line. I asked my wife if she understood it, and she said she didn't either; after explaining it, we both wondered: Have the old cultural colour associations begun to disappear from the common consciousness and we've not noticed them go?
There were some great entries this time and it was a lot of fun, so I hope we'll do it again sometime (next year?) :)
posted
Yes, thanks Skadder. This was a lot of fun. It's amazing how creative and unique everyone was able to be in such a short piece. You all are so talented. The only place I'd ever seen a complete story so short was in a poem, so I wrote mine as a cheesy limric first, then changed it to prose. It was a great learning experience to make every word count. Thanks again, all!
Posts: 266 | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
Ditto. Thanks Skadder. Piers Anthony has some 50 word micro flash stories in his anthology Alien Plot and I have always wanted to write some. This was a fun first shot--even though some thought my entry last quarter was a complete micro flash story too Posts: 710 | Registered: Oct 2009
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@ BenM... I don't think it is a cultural change. That color reference was so subtle that it took the second read for me to get it. The subtleness is what made it so good.
Does the yellow stand for coward? If so I got that, but I still have a problem with a yellow bracelet. You could have used a yellow scarf or clothing item instead, or made a reference to amber stones. I just don't think a yellow bracelet fit.
But no one else seemed to have a problem with it, and you still got my vote. So obviously it wasn't that big of a deal.
posted
You're right, something else could have worked better. And yes, it was meant to represent cowardice. I was just surprised when talking to the Mrs that she missed that link too, and she commented that it's been a while since she'd consciously noticed the association (or of green with envy, or so on). It sounded like an interesting idea ;)
Posts: 921 | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
That's so interesting. At first I didn't get the yellow at all. Then the longer I thought of it, I thought it meant longing, like in the song, 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon.' That also would have fit with the theme of the story. It makes you wonder about perceptions and cultural background, etc.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
Why did i think the yellow was in his vision? Did it say that once and then you edited it. I doesn't seem to say that now.
Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
I thought that yellow meant cowardice, but in an indirect way. More like procrastination. But it fit well enough for my reading. Posts: 1608 | Registered: Feb 2009
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Written well, good light humor, and good capture of the color. 
