posted
Mostly I'd say B because smoking could well shorten his life, my life, and the life of our children. Adultery is no less weighty in being a spiritual cancer, however, I believe I could forgive him and I would hope he would repent.
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posted
This has nothing to do with my husband =P I'll explain the reason I ask after more people have answered.
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Honestly, depending on the situation of the cheating, I think either could be a deal breaker for me. Cheating, even once, is one of my few automatic dealbreakers, and I have very severe allergies. I couldn't live with someone who smoked, and if they went ahead and started anyway, knowing that, they obviously don't have much of a regard for our marriage in the first place.
You picked two doozies, Pix. Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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It actually says in Latter Day scriptures (Doc. & Cov. 42) that a spouse should be forgiven once, but if they cheat again, it's up to the spouse whether to remain with them.
Most people I know who've lived through this say it's very tough to forgive when you're being commanded to.
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A because I do enjoy the occasional fine cigar and there are a lot of depends to the smoking part too. In the house? Cigarettes? how many packs a day? I couldn't choose B because that is something I can't forgive or forget...and I just got married last week so this is actually relevant for me now Posts: 1918 | Registered: Mar 2005
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Its a hard pick and I understand why some people could choose B. I'm not married but my boyfriend smoked the first two years that I was dating him but has thankfully been smoke-free since January. I think I could deal with him smoking easier than I could deal with him cheating because even if our time together is shortened, I think we'd both want to live that time with honesty and respect towards each other and ourselves.
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Clarification: 2 packs a day smoker. Not Cigars, not a Pipe, not a joint. 2 full packs of cigarettes per day.
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posted
I say A. It's very convenient to say that they'll cheat once and only once, but you're never really going to know. Trust plays a huge part in that, and once the trust is broken...
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Both are deal breakers to me, so it doesn't matter what I'd choose. To say she'd cheat on me once and only once is pretty much useless. There's hardly a way to prove it, short of following that person everywhere. And I've had a girlfriend who smoked, I'm not going through that again, and I especially won't marry a girl who does. Can I flip a coin? Posts: 4519 | Registered: Sep 2003
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Hmm...might depend on the circumstances of the cheating, and how certain I could be that it would only be the once, but I think I'd be more likely to go with B.
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It seems to me that this is a choice between having your spouse violate their bond with you or having your spouse slowly kill themselves. Given that, I'd think the smoking is worse.
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I don't think of either as a "deal breaker", though to be clear, my husband would have to submit to a lot of testing and a waiting period before relations resumed.
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quote:Originally posted by Tresopax: It seems to me that this is a choice between having your spouse violate their bond with you or having your spouse slowly kill themselves. Given that, I'd think the smoking is worse.
That makes sense. The relationship would be over either way, so no difference for me, but the spouse would be better off in the second case. B it is.
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Look at it this way. You can always try to get your spouse to quit smoking before he/she dies. Cheating's not the same. Your spouse can't undo what he/she did.
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I agree with Corwin. Both are dealbreakers for me and the relationship is over either way, so I'd prefer the one that doesn't end with him dead too young, for his sake.
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Does the spouse tell me about the cheating right away, or do they try to hide it? Do they contract any STDs as a result of their cheating? Do I contract any STDs as a result of their cheating? If so, which ones?
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Well, my ex-girlfriend did both; fortunately they were both very minor occurrences, so the cheating wasn't anything too bad. However, she did smoke somewhat often for about a month, and as much as I loathe cheating, I can honestly say my heartache and worries over killing herself with cigarettes were worse. It's really tough trying to convince someone to stop because you want to help them, when they take it personally and think you're just being judgmental.
Anyway, it's a happy ending; she never cheated again as far as I know, and she stopped smoking through her own willpower Posts: 349 | Registered: Jul 2006
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quote:Originally posted by The Pixiest: Noemon: No STDs, she tells you the very next day amid tears of regret.
How's this supposed to be persuasive? I suppose if the spouse confesses and asks to enter counselling immediately, in my case, I'd know that he was sincere, since I can't imagine my husband ever submitting himself to a shrink. But I'm trying to work with you on a scenario where I could believe it would be once and only once.
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I would have to choose A. Trust plays a big part in relationships, and I would rather be able to trust my spouse than constantly be worrying about whether they're going to cheat or not. You can never be entirely sure that they're not going to do it again. Smoking at least you can quit. I wouldn't feel betrayed if my spouse started smoking. Now cheating, that's a different matter.
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But you have to trust someone anyway. Even when it's never happened, you can never be sure it isn't going to happen.
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quote:Originally posted by The Pixiest: Noemon: No STDs, she tells you the very next day amid tears of regret.
In that case, definitely the cheating for me. Like Liza, I have allergies that would make living with a smoker even more dangerous for me than it is for most people. I've been cheated on by a spouse, and while it isn't a walk in the park, I survived it (and while our marriage didn't, one of the things that I found out about myself as a result of the experience was that I could rebuild trust after having been cheated on. Though we're not together, I absolutely trust my ex).
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quote:Originally posted by The Pixiest: [qb] Noemon: No STDs, she tells you the very next day amid tears of regret.
How's this supposed to be persuasive?
Well, it doesn't mean that they won't do again, necessarily, but it does indicate that they sincerely regret their actions. Well, probably.
More importantly to me, though, it means that the level of deception is minimized.
That leads me to a related question--in the circumstance of your partner cheating on you a single time and somehow being 100% certain that they didn't contract any kind of an STD or get pregnant/get anyone pregnant, would you rather that they were upfront about it and immediately confess to you what they'd done, or would you rather never know about it (assuming for the purposes of the hypothetical that the information wouldn't eventually leak out somehow)? I'd much rather that they be upfront with me.
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quote:Originally posted by ElJay: Honestly, depending on the situation of the cheating, I think either could be a deal breaker for me. Cheating, even once, is one of my few automatic dealbreakers, and I have very severe allergies. I couldn't live with someone who smoked, and if they went ahead and started anyway, knowing that, they obviously don't have much of a regard for our marriage in the first place.
posted
I've got to go with B. I am not sure that he would be forgiven for cheating, but second hand smoking can hurt my baby and even if I divorced my husband, my little girl would still be around her dad. So, she would still be exposed. Gotta pick what's best for my child.
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Back when I was a teen, whenever the anti-smoking people won something, I'd cheer. My dad is a smoker (Even after a quintuple bypass last year, he still smokes) and I'd grown up with that foul smelling addiction more or less blown in my face every day. I hated (and still hate) smoking with a passion.
Then one day my dad said to me that when they (the anti-smoking people) were finished with smoking, they'd move on to something *I* liked. Which of course, they did and continue to do. (fast food, meat, etc.)
It occured to me, that for many people, smoking was a greater sin than adultery. I didn't see how that could be right until I thought about how I would react and I couldn't decide which would be worse. I dated a smoker one time. The smell and taste covered every inch of her and, all the health stuff aside, I rapidly lost all attraction to her I had. If my hubby started smoking, wouldn't it end the relationship just as if he had cheated?
Just a generation or two ago, *everyone* smoked. And judging from the responses I got here and on another forum, all it's taken is, what, 50 years? for it to become as bad or worse than one of "The Big Ten."
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I could just imagine a spouse saying "Well yes I cheated on you but at least I didn't smoke!" Plus the scale is tipped pretty far in the anti-smoking direction from the start. I wonder if people would give the same answer if the choices were smoking 2 packs a day and cheating at least twice a month? Cheating once and never doing it again is unfair to compare to smoking every day. To make it more balanced it would have to be smoke a pack once and never do it again versus cheating once and never doing it again.
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quote:Originally posted by The Pixiest: Just a generation or two ago, *everyone* smoked.
That was the perception, but it's certainly not true. My mom's no-way list when she was dating also included smokers, and for similar reasons -- the allergies are a family thing.
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I sometimes wish that I was allergic to smoke, only so that I had more of a justification for my revulsion.
I actually lose all attraction for a woman if I see her smoking. She could be the most gorgeous, intelligent, charming woman in the world. But if I see her smoke...blech!
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My brother is the only one in my family who smokes. It was also a giant no-no in our family (for religious and health reasons).
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I'm asthmatic. I would rather my husband cheat on me repeatedly rather than smoke (of course I'd divorce him at that point, but as a previous poster noted I wouldn't have to worry about the kids being exposed to second hand smoke on their days with him).
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quote:...would you rather that they were upfront about it and immediately confess to you what they'd done, or would you rather never know about it...
I haven't thought about it in a few years, but one of the things Dr. Laura used to say to cheaters was to not tell, because you don't have a right to cause that pain to the other person. I have a hard time seeing that. It seems like... I don't know, like keeping in a secret like that would fester, and the next thing you know, there are tentacled baby monsters in the fourth floor lavatory.
P.S. I'd also venture to add that if one says even one-time adultery is a deal breaker, does that compel the cheater to not come clean?
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quote:Just a generation or two ago, *everyone* smoked. And judging from the responses I got here and on another forum, all it's taken is, what, 50 years? for it to become as bad or worse than one of "The Big Ten."
" I don't drink, and I don't smoke, and two out of three ain't bad " has been a come-on line for at least the last 50 years that I've been noticing come-on lines.
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quote:...would you rather that they were upfront about it and immediately confess to you what they'd done, or would you rather never know about it...
I haven't thought about it in a few years, but one of the things Dr. Laura used to say to cheaters was to not tell, because you don't have a right to cause that pain to the other person. I have a hard time seeing that. It seems like... I don't know, like keeping in a secret like that would fester, and the next thing you know, there are tentacled baby monsters in the fourth floor lavatory.
P.S. I'd also venture to add that if one says even one-time adultery is a deal breaker, does that compel the cheater to not come clean?
One must also consider that if the cheater is accidentally "found out" later there will be the "why didn't you confess" issue.
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Easy choice. B. Given that the option says "only once", you've just gone a long way to removing any and all doubt in the future. Sure, I'd be tremendously disappointed, but it's a one time thing. Then you have absolute trust.
posted
I don't agree with the no confession thing. Then you have to live with it, and it festers. Coming clean will hurt, and might cost you a lot in the short term, but will ultimately give you more peace in the long run. Not confessing could ultimately do more harm to you and to the other person than coming clean.
I would say by not confessing you are robbing the other person of the opportunity to forgive you; you did the harm already when you cheated.
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wow. A. But that's really not fair. I smoke about 5 cigarettes a day already, and most of the women I've dated recently also smoke. I don't think I've ever met anyone who smokes even a pack a day, although I have certainly heard rumors. But 40 cigarettes a day? That's intense.
Even if I didn't smoke, I would choose it over adultery. I can understand the temptation behind adultery, but actually going through with it just seems so wrong to me. And I know I would have a hard time trusting someone after that, and I don't want to go the rest of my days suspicious. Plus I'm sure my significant other would be pretty offended three years later when I still don't completely trust them. Maybe it would go away eventually... but it would take some time.
I also understand the temptation behind smoking, and I deem smoking to be much more acceptable.
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I think either would be a deal breaker. A is certainly a deal breaker, I couldn't live with a smoker.
In B I think I could find the ability to salvage a relationship if I really cared about it and the circumstances were right, though there are a ton of variables there, but it might also be a deal breaker. I'd say B, but, even it's purely theoretical.
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What a difficult question to answer, both can affect a family in many horrible ways. As much as it would personally hurt me for my husband to cheat on me once, I'd rather he do that, than to slowly kill himself and everyone in our home.
It's much easier for me to answer the question if the smoking deal was a "one time only" issue and the adultery was constant.
I'd also like an immediate confession if he did cheat on me. It would be much, much worse if any amount of time went by before the confession. I believe I'd know if he were smoking before I'd know if he were cheating. I have the scent detecting capability of a blood hound. That being said, maybe I'd detect both just as easy. Enough on that.
I'd really choose b if he was with another man. The idea of my husband being with another man doesn't hurt me as much as the idea of him being with another woman.
posted
To me, this is a choice between a minor Objective consequence (in most cases), or a major Subjective consequence (again, in most cases). While I'm fairly certain I would consciously forgive a spouse for cheating on me, it would still be something that would stick with me subconsciously for the rest of my life. With so many variables on how it might effect me long term, I would have to go with A. I KNOW how that would likely turn out: annoying, but livable.
Not to mention, I'm pretty sure that I could convince a spouse to quit smoking relatively soon after she started.
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