quote: They already knew, of course, that Kenny was a hero; the letter just confirmed it. It came on a chilly November morning when everyone in the family was rushing around the room trying to get ready for the day. Dad was in one corner of their quarters, squinting into a broken fragment of mirror as he shaved. Mom was ironing a skirt for an impatient Kay with an iron she'd borrowed from the Kobayashi family. Hannah, who had been ready for ten minutes, sat on her cot and kicked her legs back and forth, the toes of her scuffed shoes just barely touching the floor with each pass. She had her spelling book out, but she wasn't really studying; she was a good speller already.
"Good morning, Hanako," Grandpa said cheerily as he shuffled into the room. He didn't have work or school, so he usually slept a little longer and got back from breakfast at the mess hall after everyone else.
"'Morning, Grandpa." Hannah smiled as the old man stopped in turn to greet his other grand-daughter, his son and his daughter-in-law. Despite their hurry, they each paused in their tasks to wish him a good morning. Then his slippered feet took him slowly into the other room, and everyone went back to what they were doing. The Furuyama family was lucky to have two rooms in the barracks; when they had first arrived--two years ago, now?--Kenny had been with them, and the camp directors decided that their family of six merited a second room.
One point for guessing, with reason given for the guesses. No points for subsequent guesses, unless you guess right. You can guess as many times as you want each round, but one guess at a time. (You can guess again after I answer your outstanding guess.)
posted
I liked this piece for the family dynamic. The grandfather comes into the room and everyone stops what they are doing to great him properly. I think the machanics were good. I didn't notice any major problems with flow or puntuation. one place I noticed a bit of confusion on my part, maybe I just read it funny though, was...
quote: when they had first arrived--two years ago, now?--Kenny had been with them
I'm not sure if the comma is neccessary between ago and now. I would probalby remove it because the pause interupts the flow of the thought.
But over all very interesting. My guess is that something has happened to Kenny. Something that labels him a hero but has taken him out of the family's life. Definately would like to see more.
Obviously this is an Asain family with Asain customs or traditions regarding family so the obvious guess would be someone with an asain background.
posted
I "stumbled" over that same line. I decided it portrayed the thought pattern well enough, but the comma could go.
I don't know why, but I got this wonderful sense of foreboding. Probably because I've read too much speculative fiction in my day. The passage in and of itself doesn't really give one any reason to expect aliens will emerge from grandpa's slippers any minute, or that Godzilla will stomp the barracks flat before the next meal. But I'm expecting it!
Anyway, this snippet is well written and paints a nice scene of domestic tranquility quite well.
I'm guessing Icarus.
I have reason to know that he likes asian women. Or at least likes it when Cor dresses up like an asian woman and runs his household of wives, concubines and hundreds of children.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
Nicely done. The room they are in is very easy to picture. I like how you pan around the room and show everyone in turn doing something. You sound very comfortable showing what I am assuming is a Japanese family in an American camp during WWII.
When did the letter come, and when did they open it? By the end of the passage, I'd forgotten that there was a letter. Perhaps the letter should show up a little sooner--like Grandpa bringing it in. Also, it's hard to tell if Grandpa is coming back from the mess tent or out of the second room. Is he the sole inhabitant of that room? That's another detail that might be nice to know.
My guess, based on her board name, is Ryuko.
Edit: My guess was made independently of beatnix's, I swear it!
[ January 14, 2004, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: advice for robots ]
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
With the same reasoning that it sounds Asain, I'll guess Teshi . Of course I don't have any idea if any of my guesses are actually asain. But it is the best I can do.
Posts: 1294 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
AFR - i hadn't even considered internment camps, which are a very logical guess. I was thinking some futuristicly overpopulated area in America (due to the americanation of the Japanese names for the children). I guess I also have read far to much speculative fiction in my day as well. But both paths definately leave room for exciting stories.
Posts: 1294 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
Okay, we've got a very well-written, family-oriented piece that appears to be about Japanese internment camps. It's cinematic, but not SO cinematic that it's in the wrong format, and has a good flow to it.
My gut feeling is that we should be looking for half-Asian Mormons, but I don't know of any on this site. I'll guess saxon75, regardless.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
If you're going to tell us that Kenny was a hero, get right to that-- don't drop a bomb, then tell us what happened before the bomb was dropped. The story implies that the conflict/plot/etc will revolve around this letter, and Kenny's herohood-- get to it.
posted
I like this piece. It has a nice flow, and even in this short segment I have a taste of what each character is like. I do wonder who Kenny is. Is he an older brother to Kay and Hannah? And where is he? If this is indeed set in a WWII Japanese internment camp (which was my assumption also), I wonder if he might be a soldier in the American armed services? And if so, I agree with Bob -- that letter is NOT good news.
The style has a vaguely familiar feel (as though I might have read other pieces by this author), and was written by someone who values and knows family.
posted
This piece really resonates with me. It's clearly a Japanese-American family in an internment camp during WWII, and I agree that Kenny is likely in the service, perhaps in the 442nd RCT? Actually, it's hard to say if it's good news or bad. If I recall correctly, notices of death from the War Department always came by telegram. I don't know anything about letters. But people always feared the Western Union man during the war.
I really like this piece. It has good flow, and a great family dynamic. The story takes a family in such a bad situation and presents it very matter-of-factly, as though life were completely normal for them. References to the internment camp are very oblique. The tone suggests that the family is just going on with their lives, not dwelling on the fact of their circumstance. This really rings true to me; it seems very in keeping with the spirit of the internees that I've known. I've felt for a long time that there should be more stories about Japanese-Americans during the war. Many of my living family members were interned, and my grandfather was in the 442; perhaps that explains my fascination with it. If this is part of a longer piece, and I suspect it is, I would really love to read more.
My one gripe is the name "Kobayashi." I think that probably is a Japanese name, but it always has a more Middle-Eastern or Indian sound to it, for me.
posted
Kobayashi, Middle eastern? No, it's definitely Japanese. I'm also amused at how many people guessed me. I'm not asian, folks!! Hehehe. Anyway...
I agree with everyone who mentioned that it sounded like a Japanese internment camp. I'm also interested in reading more! But anyway...
Whoever it is has a problem with too many commas, and that's all right. I do too, as is obvious from my posts. Look at all these commas!!! Anyway. I also like the way it's obvious that their names are both Japanese and American. Hannah, Hanako; Kenny, Ken or Kentaro; Kay, Kei... It's an interesting touch of realism.
And based on his misleading previous post, I guess my sensei, saxon75. That, and he was the first person I thought of when I read this...
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Kobayashi makes me think "Kobayashi Maru" which makes me think Star Trek.
If I could write like this, I would. I just think this is that good.
Leaving my guess to a random die roll, I get Brinstone. I have no idea who to even begin to suspect, so I'll just go with that.
Posts: 3956 | Registered: Jun 2001
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By the way, what's with this trend of guessing me in the first few posts? I'm just a convenient tool for you people!! Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I really like this piece. I too found it really familiar, like I'd read it before. Though that might just be because I read a short piece about a Japanese interment camp last year in history. By the time I had gotten to the I had forgotten the letter too, which leads to some questions. If it's important, why not remind the readers that it's there? And if it isn't important, why confuse readers by putting it there? Other than that I thought it flowed really well, and I want to know how the rest of the story goes.
Edit: I know I don't have a guess. I don't feel like guessing today.
posted
This is very well written. I like the details and the almost effortless character development(hah! as if it were effortless to do good character development). These people seem real to me.
Because I admire her writing, I'm guessing Annie.
Posts: 1903 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Not to derail the thread, but what e-mail address should I send my piece to? I keep putting it off but I might as well send it in.
Posts: 981 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
I'm guessing Julie because of her not wanting to guess and seeing something like this before. Perhaps while she wrote it?
Posts: 1294 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
That would mean scrolling back up. To much work for me. There could be only two choices and I'd still get the wrong one so why limit myself to the people on the list?
Posts: 1294 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
Then my next guess is Belle. I don't know much about what she writes, but this seems somewhat up her alley.
Posts: 1903 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Kobayashi reminds me of the name of the lawyer in the Usual Suspects.
I like the piece especially the attention to detail, the squiting in the mirrior, the scuffing of feet, and other such things help bring the scene to life.
I'm guessing Annie because I have no idea what people's writing styles are like.
Posts: 872 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
It could also be a Canadian internment camp from the same era. I like this piece, it flows well.
quote: but she wasn't really studying; she was a good speller already
If she's sitting on the edge of the bed swinging her legs back and forth, she's not in a potentially studying position. How can she be even studying a little if she is sitting like that. Perhaps her book should be discarded to one side.
I also forgot the letter in the vivid description of the room. The letter needs to be more important, more central to the scene.
I don't have a problem with Kobayashi, but "Furuyama" looks like Futurama to me.
I'm going to guess twinky. And this isn't really random, it's more like a feeling with no backing argument. Ahem.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
My guess is that this excerpt is part of a larger scene in which the letter will play a bigger role, but that it hasn't actually been delivered by the end of what we're given.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
saxon75, I just think that the letter should be a little stronger, because otherwise it gets lost, because the description is so demanding, such an active, happening scene. I know it's going to be a major part later, but until then, it seems too insignificant.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
See, I think the only reason it gets lost is because of the extremely short nature of the excerpt we're given. Based on what we're given, yes it seems strange to start off a passage like that and then never refer back to it. But in the context of a larger scene, it makes for good foreshadowing, I think. We, the readers, may forget in the interim that it has been referred to, but when it does happen, we'll remember. Plus, the fact that we forget in between works nicely, because it will still have some shock to it. It will be jarring to us, as it is to the family. Structurally, it fits pretty nicely into a larger scene, I think. Provided, of course, that the writer can pull it off. But based on this scene I trust the writer.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
Alright. I agree. Whoever wrote this did a good job and knows what he or she is doing. But I'd like to read more, just to see.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to tell you you're wrong or get you to change your opinions. I guess I can be a little heavy-handed sometimes. Feel free to tell me to shut up if you feel like I'm beating on you or anything.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
Uhm, oops! I thought the only guessed but not answered was my guess, but I jumped the gun on twinky. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Copy and paste reveals the "Icarus" on this page to be an Iceland Icarus. So I'm going with that, until I find the other lcarus, (the little one).
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
It's a great piece. Far better than anything I've written for one reason: pithy characterization. Tolstoy does it. Pasternak does it. Heck, all of the great Russian writers do it. It's what allows the writer to negotiate 400 distinct characters that are easily known and understood by the reader. Yet the character details are so elegantly placed and phrased, that the writer doesn't say, "I'm characterizing now." In terms of fantasy, I've long lost my copy of Martin's Game of Thrones, but I do remember having a clear and distinct image of the characters after the introduction.
posted
I really love reading all the pieces but I really HATE this game. I suck at it. Of course I haven't been around that long and really don't know the voices of the writers here but dang it, I want to win! I ahte losing. I want to be right so...
I guess that the author is the person who wrote the piece and that person's name is the one I guess. So remember, when that name is revealed, I said it first. Um, yea.
Posts: 1294 | Registered: Oct 2003
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