'Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews, My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do. The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care, Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there. But for us, once the Chanukah candles burned down, There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight; There weren't any concerts to go to that night. A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing, But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow; With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below. And while all I could do was sit there and brood, My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots -- To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots. We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down. And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops, While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.... At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate, Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafés,
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Let's decide!" We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside. Around us sat other Jews, their platters piled high With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried fake squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,) Dried kosher beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice, Whole fish and moo shu and "shrimp" chow mee foon, And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu . . .
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call, We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all. And when in due time the food was all made, It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls, And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls. The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild, And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
And while this went on, we became aware Every diner around us had started to stare. Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking; Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.
So much piled up, one dish after the other, My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another! Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils, 'Til they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore And half of our dinner wound up on the floor. We tried -- how we tried! -- but, sad truth to tell, Ten long minutes later and still hungry as well, We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks, And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.
We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched. We noshed and we supped, we breakfast'd and lunched. We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood When it said: "Even if it was kosher, it was still Chinese food!" And my girlfriend -- well, she got a real winner; Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."
Our bellies were full and at last it was time To travel back home and write some bad rhyme Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak About trying to refine our chopstick technique).
The MSG spun round and round in our heads, As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said, As we carried our leftovers home through the night; "Good Yom Tov to all, and to all a good night!"
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posted
Morris Goldstein finished his college education and decided his future was in radio broadcasting.
After college he graduated from Yale's famous master's program in Performing Arts. Not satisfied, he took further training at the famous New York Academy of Public Speaking. With all his degrees in hand, Morris got his first interview for a radio announcer's job at KWK Radio in Manhattan. That night Morris sadly admitted to his friend Jerry that he was turned down on his first interview for a radio announcer's job.
Friend Jerry said. "But why Morris, you have all that education, all those degrees?"
Morris said with great sadness, "B-b-bec-c-caus-se t-t-hey-y a-a-ar-re a-a-a-a b-b-u-n-ch-ch o-o-o-f a-n-n-nt-ti S-sse-m-m-i-i-t-t-e-s-s"
A mother tries to wake her son one morning. Ten minutes later, he's still under the covers.
"I don't want to go to school," he says.
"You have to go," says Mom.
"Everybody yells at me, the kids make fun of me, nobody likes me."
His mother still insists he has to go.
"But why?" begs her son.
"Because you're the teacher."
There was a little street in the center of town with just five shops in it. Each and every shop was a tailor's shop, except for one, which was empty.
The first shop was called McAlisters tailor shop, and carried a sign saying "Finest tailor in the town." The second shop was called Kelly's Tailor shop and its sign read "Finest tailor in the district." Next door was "Ching's Tailor shop" and its sign read "Finest tailor in the land." The fourth shop was called Mainwarings Tailors and had a very large sign claiming to be "The finest tailors in the world."
So it happened that little Sol Ginsberg took a lease on the empty shop and called it "Ginsberg's - the finest tailor on the block!"
An old Jewish lady was sitting in the window seat in the first class cabin on a plane from New York to Miami. The man who was assigned the aisle seat next to her noticed her diamond solitaire ring. The diamond was the biggest he'd ever seen, more like a rock than a gem, and he knew enough about diamonds to know this one was real and looked flawless. He couldn't keep his eyes off it.
After the flight was well underway, she noticed his gaze and helped him out, "I see you're looking at my diamond."
"Yes," he admitted, "I couldn't help myself. It is the most stunning diamond I've ever seen."
"Young man, this is the Kaplan Diamond."
He responded, "The Kaplan Diamond? You mean it has a name?"
"Oh yes. And the Kaplan Diamond comes with a curse."
The man was impressed. "My goodness, that's very interesting. A diamond with a name which has a curse attached to it! Please, if you don't mind telling me, what is the curse?"
The old lady smiled and said, "Mr. Kaplan."
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a small fortune of $1.37.
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
French scientists dug 25 meters below ground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, France announced that the ancient French 2000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 50 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 2500 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber network.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 100 meters down but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Israelites 3000 years ago had cellular telephones.
An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"
The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."
The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but . . ."
"What do you think?" says the rabbi, "That I do this for free?"
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I read all the jokes from nights five, six, and seven tonight, I'd use more of the ROFL smilie, but after the picture I have hit my limit.
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3. STUART LADLE: Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.
4. THE GREEN MOYEL: Young man performs first circumcision.
5. MUN ON THE MOON: Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling on lunar surface is not green cheese.
6. ANGELA'S KASHAS: Woman reveals secret recipes.
7. SUPERNOVA: Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
8. BORSCHT-TIME FOR BONZO: Ronald Reagan tries to train a Jewish monkey.
Jewish Personals
Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27.
Single, attractive, successful, self-absorbed woman, 34, seeks to save money by spending yours. POB 29.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.
Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop, looking for Jewish man with sense of humus. POB 789.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mench. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
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posted
Oops, meant to define a few things. Sorry -- barely had time to post the actual jokes on Friday, never mind a glossary! Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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OK, so Hanukkah's over... oh well, I have a joke.
Two Jews wanted to assasinate Hitler. So they followed him every day for a while, secretly trailing him, learning his movements. Finally, they concluded that on his morning walk, there's one corner that he always passes, at noon, every morning, like clockwork.
So, the following morning, the two Jews got their rifles, and went to the corner where Hitler walked by as part of his daily routine.
11:30: The Jews start to get tenser, and check that their guns were loaded.
11:45: They double check that their guns are loaded, and begin to watch the street, pointing the rifles.
12:00: No Hitler.
12:15: No Hitler.
12:30: No Hitler.
1:00: No Hitler.
Finally, one Jew turns to the other and says, "Oh God, I hope nothing's happened to him!"
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posted
It's the Inauguration of the first Jewish president. In the front row, his mother leans over to a Senator sitting next to her. She says, "See that man over there with his hand on the Bible?" "Yes, I see him." "His brother's a doctor!"
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How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? . . . . . . . No, no, it's okay. You go out. I'll just sit here in the dark.
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posted
Ha... my mom did a presentation/exhibit thing on the Jewish mother, and she titled it "Never mind, I'll sit in the dark!"
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posted
*snort* I'm not sure if the best part is Yehudah Hamacabee's scantily-clad six-pack abs, or the UFOs.
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posted
Heard this one the other day from my friend's Jewish girlfriend.
A young Jewish boy races home from school excited to talk to his mother. He flies through the door and exclaims, "mother mother I got a part in the school play!"
His mother responds, "oh what's the part?" The son replies, "I'm the father." The mother now upset says, "You go back there right now and tell them you want a speaking part!"
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posted
I found this list which proports to be actual personals that appeared in Israeli papers.
quote:Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB74.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 71.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. PB 658
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76
Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27
I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46
posted
The mother was Jewish, the father was "fill in the blank"...I don't think they ever mentioned he was Christian.
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quote:Originally posted by Blayne Bradley: I dont understand the airline joke, can somoene explain it to me?
It's sort of a "pushy Jew" thing. When you fly to Israel, the people who are in the aisles instantly upon landing are almost all Jewish passengers.
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posted
So, being Christmas Eve, two elderly Jewish men head out to the local Chinese restaurant for want of any place else to go.
As they sit there talking, the begin to discuss just how far the wandering tribes have wandered.
Sol said, "There are Jews in Russia, and Jews in California. There are Jews in Brazil and Jews in Ethiopa. My sisters son has a colleague who celebrated the high-holy days at a weather station in Antartica. We wandering Jews, we've gone everywhere."
"Not everywhere" said Abraham. "I'm sure there are places that no Jew has been."
"Where?" asked Sol.
"China. I've never heard of a Jew in China."
"I'm sure there are plenty of Jews in China. Such a big place. Sure there are."
"No there is not. I know this for a fact. There are no Chinese Jews."
At this time the waiter came up to them and said, "What will you have?"
Sol turned to the young man and said. "You should know. Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"No." said the waiter.
"Ha" crowed Abe. "See. No Chinese Jews."
Confused, Sol turned to the waiter. "Are you sure there's no Chinese Jews?"
"Very sure. We have apple juice, tomato juice and orange juice. No Chinese Juice."
...
This gets me to another question. It is almost a cliche' that Jewish folks eat Chinese for dinner on Christmas eve because every other place for them to go is closed, and everything on TV is all Christmas themed, so staying at home is boring.
But what about folks from our non-Christian Chinese communities? Where do they go on Christmas eve, besides those working in the restaurants? Do they all go out to the local Kosher Deli to eat sandwiches named after movie-stars?
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quote:Originally posted by Blayne Bradley: I dont understand the airline joke, can somoene explain it to me?
It's sort of a "pushy Jew" thing. When you fly to Israel, the people who are in the aisles instantly upon landing are almost all Jewish passengers.
Is it more an Israeli thing, or does it apply to all Jews? That isn't a stereotype I've heard of in America or Europe. It sounds like it would also work for Italians.
I suppose maybe it's an eastern US thing as well, because in California I don't think we have many of the same Semetic stereotypes and terms used on the east coast. I know I've heard a lot of them on TV or in movies, (and from east coast friends) that are not used on the west coast.
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posted
You know, of course, that this coming January 26 will mark the start of the year 4707 in the Chinese calendar, while it'll be 5769 in the Jewish calendar. Which means that for 1,062 years, the Jews had to go without Chinese food...
[Edited to correct year & math. But what's ten years between friends?]
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
Interesting trivia while I am unsure if there are ethnic han jews there are indeed or was jews who lived in China.
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quote:Originally posted by Blayne Bradley: Interesting trivia while I am unsure if there are ethnic han jews there are indeed or was jews who lived in China.
You may be taking these just a tad too seriously. Posts: 884 | Registered: Mar 2005
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Strangely enough this was utter chaos until I light the 9th candle and then the music sounded orderly.
You mean the middle one? Yeah, that's the shammes -- of COURSE he's the conductor!
quote:Originally posted by Orincoro: Is it more an Israeli thing, or does it apply to all Jews? That isn't a stereotype I've heard of in America or Europe.
Israelis and NY Jews. None of the rest of us are like that at all. *whistles innocently*
quote:Originally posted by Shmuel:
quote:Originally posted by Blayne Bradley: Interesting trivia while I am unsure if there are ethnic han jews there are indeed or was jews who lived in China.
You may be taking these just a tad too seriously.
Definitely. But anyone who is interested in Chinese Jews should read Pearl Buck's Peony. Or if you're interested in Chinese converts to Judaism, start with The Bamboo Cradle.
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quote:Originally posted by Blayne Bradley: Interesting trivia while I am unsure if there are ethnic han jews there are indeed or was jews who lived in China.
You may be taking these just a tad too seriously.
Definitely. But anyone who is interested in Chinese Jews should read Pearl Buck's Peony. Or if you're interested in Chinese converts to Judaism, start with The Bamboo Cradle.
quote:Originally posted by Darth_Mauve: ... But what about folks from our non-Christian Chinese communities? Where do they go on Christmas eve, besides those working in the restaurants? Do they all go out to the local Kosher Deli to eat sandwiches named after movie-stars?
Hmmm, that took a while for me to parse. Its hard to generalize but in my experience there is nothing much special about Christmas Eve. Its not a statutory holiday here and usually doesn't fall on a weekend, so not much happens. IIRC, we do sometimes go out for dim sum on Christmas morning since some Chinese restaurants will open on that day anyways.
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posted
rivka, that link takes me to a "someone tried to link to a copyrighted cartoon and got caught" thing.
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