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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » Light Eight Candles; Tell Eight Jokes (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Light Eight Candles; Tell Eight Jokes
rivka
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[Edit (12/08): Yeah, it's an old thread. But I thought I'd bump it in honor of Chanuka starting Sunday night. New link at the bottom!]


Laughter lights up the world.

So in honor of the first night of Chanuka/Hannukah/whatever-spelling-you-prefer, I thought I'd share a joke.

And if it doesn't make you laugh, well, I bet deep groans have a health benefit too . . .



Those arriving in Israel this week or next may hear: The El-Al Captain's welcome

As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the captain came on the PA system:

"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off.

"To those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that you enjoy your stay. And to those of you already standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Chanukah, and welcome home."

[ December 19, 2008, 04:35 PM: Message edited by: rivka ]

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Icarus
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[Big Grin]
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Eruve Nandiriel
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[Confused]
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pooka
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[ROFL] I saw a program about "Celebrating Channukah" with Fran Drescher on the Educational TV Channel last night. There was a reggae Channukah performance and a rabbi talking about how it doesn't matter if the oil really lasted 8 days. I think I referred to it in the ends/means thread. It caused me to wonder if my cynicism about Santa is that bad. But I think the oil miracle is a more dignified idea than annual gift man.
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Yebor1
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A highway patrol officer pulls over an elderly driver.

"sir your wife fell out of the car about two miles back."

"Oh thank god," said the man, I thought I was going deaf."

[Hat]

[ December 19, 2003, 08:09 PM: Message edited by: Yebor1 ]

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Toretha
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is the light one candle title of this thread just a reference to the holiday, or do you like that song too?

[ December 19, 2003, 10:40 PM: Message edited by: Toretha ]

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Icarus
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I love the song, and it runs through my mind every time I see the thread title!
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GradStudent
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rivka, that's the best joke that i have heard in a very long time.
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Raia
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[ROFL]

Chag Sameach leculchem!

[Kiss]

I miss you all! I'll be back next week!

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rivka
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And now for tonight's jokes:

Overheard at a bris the other day (did you know they had their 11th kid?). The mohel announces the baby's name, "Yosef," and my wife turns to me and whispers, "Look, they're down to the 'Y's' already!"



Moishe goes to see his Rabbi and says, "I need your advice. My wife just gave birth to a girl."

"Mazel Tov!"

"Thank you. Can we name the baby after a relative?"

"According to Ashkenazic Jewish custom, you can name the baby after a departed mother, sister, grandmother . . ."

"But they are all still alive," says Moishe.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that."

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rivka
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A mother gave her son two neckties on Chanukah.

The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look, Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"

Mama asked, "What's the matter? You don't like the other one?"



Morris was telling his friend Mendel a joke, "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..."

Right away, his friend, Mendel, interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Don't you know any jokes that aren't about Jews?"

So Morris starts again, "Okay, Smythe and O'Connell were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."



"I had the strangest dream last night." a young Jewish man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. As you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come.

"Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding. "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"

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Ryuko
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[ROFL] Keep it up, rivka! I wants more!!!
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rivka
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Patience, mein kinder, patience. [Wink]
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suntranafs
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dem be hume or us. [Big Grin]
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raphael
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happy chanuka everyone!
we just lit the fourth candle.we're sitting around playind dreidle (i just love that game-if you win you get the chocolates and if you lose someone else gets fat....)and I just lost a whole bag of hershy kisses.

happy holiday!!!

"four little candles, four little candles burning bright...."

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rivka
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Yeah, and you get to play with a dreidel with a pey on it. [Big Grin]

Chag sameach!

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JaneX
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Yay! Jewish humor! [Laugh]

Happy Chanukah, everyone. [Group Hug]

~Jane~

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ana kata
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These are wonderful! <laughs>
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Mrs.M
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I'm sure these will be familiar to my fellow Jews, but here goes:
.
.
.
A Gentile once asked a rabbi acquaintence of his, "Rabbi, why do you Jews always answer a question with a question?"

The rabbi thought for a minute and replied, "Why not?"
.
.
.
An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the Garment District to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat, and flashes her. Unperturbed, she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"
.
.
.
In old Russia, two beggars sat next to each other in a district where few Jews lived. One held a sign saying "Please help a war veteran", and the other holds a sign saying "Please help a poor Jew".

People pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to either of them, give to the first beggar to taunt the Jew. Finally, a good man passes by, gives money to both, and says to the Jew: "Why don't you change your sign? Don't you understand that nobody will give you any money?" and walks away. As he goes, the Jew turns to the other beggar and says: "Isaac, he would teach us our business..."

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rivka
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When a 6 year old boy was asked if he knew what the four food groups were, he replied "Meat, dairy, parve, and not kosher."



Q: What's the difference between an Israeli and an Israelite?
A: A third fewer calories.



Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.

"Give me some good French wine and French bread," he requested.

So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

Next it was the Italian's turn. "Give me a big plate of pasta," said the Italian.

So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew's turn.

"I want a big bowl of strawberries, " said the Jew.

"Strawberries!!! They aren't even in season!"

"Nu, so I'll wait..."



A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shoppe. An impressive salesperson in morning coat and tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"

"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."

"No, no," chided the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."

"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."

"Anything else?"

"Yes, a dozen blintzes."

"No. No. You mean crepes."

"Okay, a dozen crepes."

"Anything else?"

"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."

"I believe sir means pate."

"Okay," said the Jewish patron, "a pound of pate. And," he added, "I'd like you to deliver this to my house on Saturday."

"I beg your pardon!" retorted the indignant salesperson. "We don't schlep chazerai on Shabbos!"

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rivka
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My 5 year old nephew, a product of the modern age of technology, came home after learning about Noah's ark and said, "There are 2 types of animals, male and e-mail!"




Doctor to patient:

I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that you're not a hypochondriac.




Harry Moses Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a place known not to admit Jews.

First, Harry went to court and had his name changed to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher. After that, he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland who transformed his Semitic profile into a Nordic one. Next, he hired an elocution tutor from England to teach him to speak like a native Brit. And finally, Harry worked his way into the graces of several well-established members of the Greenvale Country Club.

Two years after embarking on his project, Howard Frobisher appeared before the committee.

"Please state your name," the chairman said.

In a clipped Oxfordian accent, Harry replied, "I'm Howard Trevelyan Frobisher."

"And, tell us, where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?"

"Eton and Oxford."

The chairman beamed. "And what is your religious affiliation?"

"Goy."




Mr. Rabinowicz goes to the doctor for a check up.

After extensive tests the doctor tells him "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."

Mr. Rabinowicz is dumbstruck. After a while he replies

"That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill."

"Ok" says the doctor, "I'll give you a year to live."




"Doctor, I need your help," complained Yossel. "I talk to myself."

"Do you suffer any pain?" asked the doctor.

"No."

"In that case," said the doctor, "go home and don't worry. Millions of people talk to themselves."

"But doctor," cried Yossel, "you don't know what a nudnik I am!"

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ana kata
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<anxiously awaiting night six>
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rivka
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Erev Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Chanukah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.

The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to go to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.

Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"

So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots --
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.

The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs....
At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate,
Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafés,

In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Let's decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside.
Around us sat other Jews, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:

There was roast duck and fried fake squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried kosher beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shu and "shrimp" chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu . . .

When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.

Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.

And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare.
Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.

So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
'Til they handed us something that looked like two pencils.

We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.
We tried -- how we tried! -- but, sad truth to tell,
Ten long minutes later and still hungry as well,
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.

We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched.
We noshed and we supped, we breakfast'd and lunched.
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.

But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Even if it was kosher, it was still Chinese food!"
And my girlfriend -- well, she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."

Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).

The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
"Good Yom Tov to all, and to all a good night!"

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mackillian
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[ROFL]

*sigh*

And now I want Chinese food! ACK! [Smile]

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Marek
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« » ░ ▓ │ ┤ ╡ ╢ ╖ ╕ ╣ ║ ╗ ╝ ╜ ╛ ┐ └ ┴ ┬ ├ ─ ┼ ╞ ╟ ╚ ╔ ╩ ╦ ╠ ═ ╬ ╧ ╨ ╤ ╥ ╙ ╘ ╒ ╓ ╫
(the top line is there because without that the drawing doesn't work right)

[Cool] [Cool] [Cool] [Cool] --- [Cool] [Cool]
.╚═╩═╩═╩═╦═╩═╩═╩═╝

happy Hannuka!

[ December 24, 2003, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: Marek ]

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Ryuko
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^_^ LOL. I want chinese now too!
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Icarus
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psst . . . Marek . . . use
code:
[code]

tags.

[Smile]

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Koga
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I know not this code of which you speak
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Koga
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Do you mean like this Icarus?

[Cool] [Cool] [Cool] [Cool] --- [Cool] [Cool]
.╚═╩═╩═╩═╦═╩═╩═╩═╝

[Edit: cool, it worked]
[Edit again: why did I put Hobbes? [Dont Know] ]

[ December 25, 2003, 09:11 PM: Message edited by: Koga ]

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Icarus
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Hobbes?

[Confused]

Turns out those little box drawing characters don't show up inside of code tags anyhow. :-\

[ December 25, 2003, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: Icarus ]

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rivka
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Morris Goldstein finished his college education and decided his future was in radio broadcasting.

After college he graduated from Yale's famous master's program in Performing Arts. Not satisfied, he took further training at the famous New York Academy of Public Speaking. With all his degrees in hand, Morris got his first interview for a radio announcer's job at KWK Radio in Manhattan. That night Morris sadly admitted to his friend Jerry that he was turned down on his first interview for a radio announcer's job.

Friend Jerry said. "But why Morris, you have all that education, all those degrees?"

Morris said with great sadness, "B-b-bec-c-caus-se t-t-hey-y a-a-ar-re a-a-a-a b-b-u-n-ch-ch o-o-o-f a-n-n-nt-ti S-sse-m-m-i-i-t-t-e-s-s"




A mother tries to wake her son one morning. Ten minutes later, he's still under the covers.

"I don't want to go to school," he says.

"You have to go," says Mom.

"Everybody yells at me, the kids make fun of me, nobody likes me."

His mother still insists he has to go.

"But why?" begs her son.

"Because you're the teacher."



There was a little street in the center of town with just five shops in it. Each and every shop was a tailor's shop, except for one, which was empty.

The first shop was called McAlisters tailor shop, and carried a sign saying "Finest tailor in the town." The second shop was called Kelly's Tailor shop and its sign read "Finest tailor in the district." Next door was "Ching's Tailor shop" and its sign read "Finest tailor in the land." The fourth shop was called Mainwarings Tailors and had a very large sign claiming to be "The finest tailors in the world."

So it happened that little Sol Ginsberg took a lease on the empty shop and called it "Ginsberg's - the finest tailor on the block!"



An old Jewish lady was sitting in the window seat in the first class cabin on a plane from New York to Miami. The man who was assigned the aisle seat next to her noticed her diamond solitaire ring. The diamond was the biggest he'd ever seen, more like a rock than a gem, and he knew enough about diamonds to know this one was real and looked flawless. He couldn't keep his eyes off it.

After the flight was well underway, she noticed his gaze and helped him out, "I see you're looking at my diamond."

"Yes," he admitted, "I couldn't help myself. It is the most stunning diamond I've ever seen."

"Young man, this is the Kaplan Diamond."

He responded, "The Kaplan Diamond? You mean it has a name?"

"Oh yes. And the Kaplan Diamond comes with a curse."

The man was impressed. "My goodness, that's very interesting. A diamond with a name which has a curse attached to it! Please, if you don't mind telling me, what is the curse?"

The old lady smiled and said, "Mr. Kaplan."



A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a small fortune of $1.37.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."




French scientists dug 25 meters below ground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, France announced that the ancient French 2000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 50 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 2500 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber network.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 100 meters down but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Israelites 3000 years ago had cellular telephones.



An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."

"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."

The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but . . ."

"What do you think?" says the rabbi, "That I do this for free?"

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Koga
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[Cool] [Cool] [Cool] [Cool] --- [Cool] [Cool] [Cool]
.╚═╩═╩═╩═╦═╩═╩═╩═╝

[ROFL]

I read all the jokes from nights five, six, and seven tonight, I'd use more of the ROFL smilie, but after the picture I have hit my limit.

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rivka
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TOP YIDDISH MOVIES

1. GONIF WITH THE WIND: A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.

2. SCHNORER RAE: A freeloader tries to get in on the union movement.

3. THE GOOD, THE CHABAD, AND THE UGLY: A kosher noodle western.

4. LITVAK BIG MAN: Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant.

5. THE SEDER HOUSE RULES: Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach.

6. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KIBBITZER: Paul Newman and Robert Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims.

7. BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KVETCH: the extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips.

8. THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LATKE: an overdone potato pancake turns into a monster.




If Israel Sent Up a Space Shuttle

1. Instead of counting down from ten to blastoff, they'd read T'filat HaDerech.

2. At least one of the astronauts would actually be plainclothes security.

3. Each astronaut would have his or her own cellphone and spend most of the flight talking while they worked.

4. The Space Shuttle would be bulletproofed.

5. The astronauts would insist on drinking every hour (anyway the drinks come free with the ticket).

6. The Israeli Shuttle would have to have windows that open the astronauts can't possibly go two weeks without fresh air.

7. The astronauts would applaud at touchdown.

8. The longest part of the trip would be standing at Passport Control at Lod Airport.



MORE TOP YIDDISH MOVIES

1. THE MATZO CANDIDATE: Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking that it's always Passover.

2. MISTER SCHNAPPS GOES TO WASHINGTON: Jimmy Stewart thinks he's still filming Harvey.

3. DRIEDELS OF THE LOST ARK: Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games.

4. ALEPH DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE: Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found.

5. SINGING IN THE CH'RAIN: Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his umbrella.

6. THE SIX CENTS: Three Jews each put in their two-cents' worth.

7. SNOW FALLING ON SEDERS: Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.

8. DREYDEL WILL ROCK: Chanukah toy comes alive.




You Know You're Really Leaving Early on Fridays

1. The coffee stand guy from the corner of 96th and Amsterdam is still there when you come home.

2. You naturally respond to coworkers' "Good morning" with "Have a good weekend!"

3. You hit AM rush hour traffic on the return trip.

4. Your coworkers are leaving for early lunch; you are leaving for early dinner.

5. Your wakeup alarm is still going off when you come home.

6. You get upset when the "morning meeting" conflicts with bus departure times.

7. You're leaving, and your 2hr parking meter still has time left on it.

8. It's Tuesday.



8 Ways Shidduch Dating is Like the NBA Draft

1. Possible suitors come knocking at your door, asking you to "try out" for them.

2. Prospects are often flown around the country, even around the world, for these sessions.

3. There are always some hidden gems late in the process.

4. Parents, friends, etc. are questioned as to your personality.

5. Intangibles are not quantifiable, yet very important.

6. The "middle man" gets cash when the contract terms are agreed upon.

7. Big party after the choice is made, complete with flowing liquor and adoring family and friends.

8. Announcement is posted on the Internet, complete with pictures of your posse.



Why Hanukkah is better than Christmas

1. There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Special."

2. Eight days of presents

3. No need to clean the chimney.

4. There's no latke-nog.

5. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.

6. No barking dog version of "I Had a Little Dreidel."

7. No pine needles to vacuum up afterward.

8. Latkes are easier to mail than fruitcakes.



YET MORE TOP YIDDISH MOVIES!

1. OY OF THE BEHOLDER: Singles kvetch about their awful dates.

2. GOYS DON'T CRY: Rabbi explains why only Jews observe Tisha B'Av.

3. STUART LADLE: Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.

4. THE GREEN MOYEL: Young man performs first circumcision.

5. MUN ON THE MOON: Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling on lunar surface is not green cheese.

6. ANGELA'S KASHAS: Woman reveals secret recipes.

7. SUPERNOVA: Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.

8. BORSCHT-TIME FOR BONZO: Ronald Reagan tries to train a Jewish monkey.



Jewish Personals

Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27.

Single, attractive, successful, self-absorbed woman, 34, seeks to save money by spending yours. POB 29.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.

Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop, looking for Jewish man with sense of humus. POB 789.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.

Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mench. No weirdos, please. POB 56.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.

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Javert Hugo
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quote:
6. No barking dog version of "I Had a Little Dreidel."
*laughs* This is almost persuasive.

I looked up shidduch dating. *hides*

[ December 26, 2003, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: Javert Hugo ]

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rivka
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Oops, meant to define a few things. Sorry -- barely had time to post the actual jokes on Friday, never mind a glossary! [Wink]
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Raia
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OK, so Hanukkah's over... oh well, I have a joke.

Two Jews wanted to assasinate Hitler. So they followed him every day for a while, secretly trailing him, learning his movements. Finally, they concluded that on his morning walk, there's one corner that he always passes, at noon, every morning, like clockwork.

So, the following morning, the two Jews got their rifles, and went to the corner where Hitler walked by as part of his daily routine.

11:30: The Jews start to get tenser, and check that their guns were loaded.

11:45: They double check that their guns are loaded, and begin to watch the street, pointing the rifles.

12:00: No Hitler.

12:15: No Hitler.

12:30: No Hitler.

1:00: No Hitler.

Finally, one Jew turns to the other and says, "Oh God, I hope nothing's happened to him!"

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Jill
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It's the Inauguration of the first Jewish president. In the front row, his mother leans over to a Senator sitting next to her. She says, "See that man over there with his hand on the Bible?"
"Yes, I see him."
"His brother's a doctor!"

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rivka
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*bump*

I thought about doing this again (with new jokes) this year, but I don't have the time.

So I figured I'd cheat a little and bump last year's. [Wink]

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Raia
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This isn't REALLY a joke, but it's funny:

A Polish Jewish mother says to her son "Everytime the phone doesn't ring, I know it's you!"

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Eaquae Legit
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My prof told us this one:

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
No, no, it's okay. You go out. I'll just sit here in the dark.

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Raia
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Ha... my mom did a presentation/exhibit thing on the Jewish mother, and she titled it "Never mind, I'll sit in the dark!"
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imogen
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Something Positive does Hanukkah

Man, I love that cartoon.

Don't read the back catalogue if you have an aversion to strong language, crudity etc etc.

[ December 09, 2004, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: imogen ]

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rivka
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*snort* I'm not sure if the best part is Yehudah Hamacabee's scantily-clad six-pack abs, or the UFOs.
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imogen
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I kinda like the robotron-transformer myself.
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Marek
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quote:
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
No, no, it's okay. You go out. I'll just sit here in the dark.

Hmmm, i didn't know my mother was Jewish.
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Raia
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[ROFL]
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rivka
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*bump*

Chanuka starts Sunday night!

Here's an interactive singing menorah to play with.

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BlackBlade
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Heard this one the other day from my friend's Jewish girlfriend.

A young Jewish boy races home from school excited to talk to his mother. He flies through the door and exclaims,
"mother mother I got a part in the school play!"

His mother responds, "oh what's the part?"
The son replies, "I'm the father."
The mother now upset says, "You go back there right now and tell them you want a speaking part!"

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The Rabbit
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I found this list which proports to be actual personals that appeared in Israeli papers.

quote:
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB74.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 71.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. PB 658

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.POB 787

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555

80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76

Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27

I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46


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rivka
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quote:
Originally posted by The Rabbit:
which proports to be actual personals that appeared in Israeli papers.

They're not. Still funny. [Smile]
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