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Two men are flying an an aeroplane. Unfortunately one falls out the aeroplane. Fortunately there is a haystack below. Unfortunately there is a pitchfork in the haystack. Fortunately, he misses the pitchfork.
Unfortunately he misses the haystack.
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A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 metres away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 metres, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 metres.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
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A police officer is sitting by the side of the road watching for speeders. A guy goes driving by, swerving all over the road. The cop looks closer, and sees that there are actually penguins climbing all over the guy, causing him to swerve.
The cop pulls him over and says, "Sir, I think you should take those penguins to the zoo!"
The guy says, "Ok."
Next day, same cop, same speed trap.
The same guy comes driving down the road, still swerving, car still filled with penguins--only this time, the penguins are all wearing sunglasses.
The cop pulls him over and says, "Sir, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
The guy says, "I did! And they liked it so much that today I'm taking them to the beach!"
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A penguin walks into a bar and says "Hey, has my father been in here today?" The bartender says "I don't know. Could you describe him to me?"
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A man walks into the doctor's office with a duck on his head. The duck says "Doc! Can you get this guy off my a$$?"
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How did Hellen Keller burn her ear? She answered the iron
How did she burn the other ear? They called back.
Admittedly this joke doesn't really make sense since she was blind and deaf, but I think this joke is delightfully stupid anyway Posts: 681 | Registered: Feb 2004
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A rabbi, a minister and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
Fred Fish and Sam Clam were best of friends frolicking in the ocean, but one day they both died. Fred Fish was good and went to heaven. Sam Clam was a bad bad crustacean and went to Hell. After they had been there some time, word got to Fred Fish that his friend was opening a Disco in hell. (I mean, where else would one have a Disco?) So Fred Fish went to St Peter and begged him to let him visit is friend in hell. After a while, St Peter gave in and told him he could visit Hell, but he HAD to remember to bring his harp back when he returned. The day of the grand opening Fred Fish was all a buzz with excitement. He visited Sam Clam in Hell and Discoed the night away. Of course, all good things must come to an end and he waved good bye to his friend and returned to heaven. He was greeted at the gate by St Peter who asked Fred Fish why he wasn't carrying his Harp. Fred Fish looked up at St Peter and sang ...
But I did have a friend who had a dog with no legs. He called him "cigarette" 'cause every night he'd take him for a drag around the block. Posts: 6394 | Registered: Dec 1999
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(I invented this joke when I was 4. I believe I had a more sophisticated sense of irony than my parents ever understood, it was my version of "pigs might fly".)
Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin turns to his partner and says, "It's getting pretty hot in here." The second muffin says "Ahhh!!! A talking muffin!"
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I have a different and more extended version of Glenn's last joke.
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because he was dead!
Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A: He was stapled to the first monkey!
Q: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Peer Pressure!
Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: Where's my tractor!
* as these are all terribly stupid, the punchlines have to be said as if it's the funniest/most exciting thing you could possibly think of
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So you've all heard about Ghandi? He practiced civil disobedience and became quite famous for it. He walked around in bare feet a lot and definitely could have used a pedicure, not to mention the bad breath he had from not eating. Not eating also contributed to his thin and delicate frame.
Poor guy. He was a Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Plagued with Halitosis.
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Oh, man! Muppet, you stole mine! Only, my punchline is: "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
OK, here's another one:
Two nuns are out driving through Transylvania, when they round a bend and are shocked to see Count Dracula in the middle of the road. He spreads his arms and bares his fangs. "Quick!" says Mary Martha to Mary Theresa, "Show him your cross!" Mary Theresa rolls down the window, leans out, and shakes her fist. "I'm really getting mad!"
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I hate it when someone tells you that you are blocking the fire exit. [sarcasm] Because I'm not planning to run if there is a fire. I think I'll just stand here.[/sarcasm]
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A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender yells, "Hey you, get out of here...we don't serve your kind!" The mushroom looks completely abashed: "Why not? I'm a fun guy."
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quote:Mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender yells, "Hey you, get out of here...we don't serve your kind!" The mushroom looks completely abashed: "Why not? I'm a fun guy."
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Two guys walk into a bar...the third ducked.
A duck walks into a resturaunt, sits down at a booth, and asks the waiter, "got any corn?" The waiter, very upset that a duck entered his establishment, said "What are you doing here? We don't serve ducks" and throws him out. The next day the same duck walks into the resturaunt and sits in the same booth. He asks the waiter, "got any corn?". The waiter doesn't even answer, and just kicks the duck to the curb. The next day the duck walks in again, sits in the same stall, and waits for the waiter. "Got any corn?" The waiter can't take it any more. "Look, we don't serve ducks here, and if I see you in this place again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor" and he throws the duck out, seemingly for the last time. The next day, and the next, and the next -- no duck. But on the fourth day the duck shows up, sits down at the booth, and waits patiently for the waiter to show up. "Got any nails?" The waiter says "Of course not." "Got any corn?"
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quote:wo men are flying an an aeroplane. Unfortunately one falls out the aeroplane. Fortunately there is a haystack below. Unfortunately there is a pitchfork in the haystack. Fortunately, he misses the pitchfork.
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(My twelve year old cousin told me this one)
It's the first day of school, and the teacher is sitting in class waiting for her new students to arrive. The first student walks in. She's beautiful, with gorgeous long blond hair, and a perfect figure.
Teacher: Hello, what's your name? Student: My name is Iris. Teacher: Iris! What a beautiful name! Why are you called Iris? Iris: Because, when my mother was pregnant, she was sitting in the meadow, and an iris fell on her stomach, so she named me Iris.
The second student walks into the room. She's also gorgeous, with beautiful black hair, all the way to her waist.
Teacher: Hello, what's your name? Student: My name is Rose. Teacher: Iris! What a beautiful name! Why are you called Rose? Rose: Because, when my mother was pregnant, she was sitting in the meadow, and a rose fell on her stomach, so she named me Rose.
The third student walks in. She's very pretty, with red curls cascading down her back.
Teacher: Hello, what's your name? Student: My name is Lily. Teacher: Lily! What a beautiful name! Why are you called Lily? Lily: Because, when my mother was pregnant, she was sitting in the meadow, and a lily fell on her stomach, so she named me Lily.
The fourth student walks into the classroom. Her hair is all over the place, and she's really out of shape. She has a horribly deformed face (digression: please bear in mind that this was told to me by a twelve year old boy!).
Teacher: Hello, what's your name? Student: My name is Piano.
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Q : How many journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : Three. One to praise the inspired government program to bring light to the people. One to denounce the communist plot to deprive the people of the freedom to choose darkness. And one to win the Pulitzer for showing that the LightBulb Company Inc. bribed assassins to break the bulb in the first place.
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*resurrecting ones I'm sure I've posted here before*
A Buddhist monk goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
He pays with a five, and the hot dog vendor turns away. The monk says, "Hey, where's my change?" The hot dog vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
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The volcano was threatening to explode. They needed a female sacrifice to appease the volcano god. The ancient jokester Henny Caveman stood up and said, "Hey, take my wife--please."
(Actually, he stole that joke from George Burns)
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@ Teshi
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Admittedly this joke doesn't really make sense since she was blind and deaf, but I think this joke is delightfully stupid anyway ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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