posted
ok picture this: im a 17 year old kid in high school still. Im secluded, i never speak to anybody, i close myself out to the world. I have never had a GF and its rather disapointing.
Alright so recently, being the big computer person that i am, i met somebody online who is find rather interesting. But the problem is: that she lives in a different state. Now News of our relationship which we refer amongst ourselves as datting, has leaked to my school. Now this past few weeks has been near life changing to me. I feel more alive than i ever have, i am talking to ppl, there is ppl who want to talk to me. But when the news leaked, i mentioned that she was from the the same town that i live in(which is a lie).IDK what to do, by the end of the day news will spread, and this will be a very embarassing moment for myself. I cant get a GF in real life so all i can get is an online one?
help me out here
[ May 08, 2006, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: Deceased House ]
Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2006
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You have enjoyed interacting with people these last two weeks which means that you prefer that over the secluded lifestyle.
This is going to sound harsh, and you probably won't believe me but this whole never had a girlfriend thing and issue about an out of state online relationship isn't that big a deal and will blow over and be forgotten. I'd reccomend joining some organization or group that requires a time committment that will force you to be less secluded. I was a little bit like you in high school, or would of been if I did not get involved with my theatre department.
Join an organization, get a job, something. I'd recommend doing tech work on a production at your school, but I'm biased. There are other options out there. I'd do something more substantial than a club that meets once a month.
Posts: 375 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
If this girl is someone you find interesting and she feels the same way about you, then you are doing her a disservice by implying that you wouldn’t be interested in her if you could “get” someone better.
Also, how exactly is news “leaking”? You are the only one who knew, yes? So you mean that you told people?
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
information leaked via myspace. On her profile, she made a caption implying our relationship, which was picked up by another friend of mine, this time from school. thas how it all leaked. Now you see, i wouldnt loose this feeling for the life of me, what i need help with is possible embarrasment at school due to the patheticness of online relationships, i dont really care, but im trying to make things go by as easy as possible.
Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
Considering that there are several people here who met their spouses online, I don't think you're going to find a great deal of agreement on "the patheticness of online relationships."
Online relationships will stall out if you don't eventually meet in real life, but they aren't a bad way to meet people.
Edit, to elaborate: The essential thing here is that you remeber that the girl is a real person, and that both of you behave as real people. If either of you are role-playing, or if you think of each other as computer-simulations rather than real people who happen to be a few hundred miles apart, then that would be pathetic.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Here's the thing to remember: It seems like a big deal, but the only person who really will consider it a big deal is you. There's nothing pathetic with an online relationship unless you choose to treat it as pathetic. If you are cool with it, it will only be a matter of days before pretty much everyone else is too.
Sure, some people will joke about it to you. People will make fun of you for anything you do out of the ordinary - that's just what people do in school. But in the end they are just jokes, at least to the person joking. If you think your relationship is pathetic then they will be painful jokes to you. But if you accept your reltionship then you can brush off the jokes - they mean nothing. No need to be embarrassed.
Posts: 8120 | Registered: Jul 2000
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posted
i agree, actually we have plans to meet this summer, i would continue this relationship regardless, we speak on the phone alot, email myspace,msn,aim,yahoo, u name it we do it. But considering my enviroment, prepland usa, i think it would be viewed that way, actually i have recieved a few comments already. Im not the least bit phased.
Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
It's "fazed". And Deceased House, while I can't stand posts that pick at every little grammatical error someone might make, could you please be respectful enough to type like an adult? You're seventeen years old; I think you can manage to type words in full and capitalize the word "I". Don't you?
As far as online relationships go, of the four kids in my family, two of us met our spouses online. I'm 43 and my littlest sister is (a few days shy of) 36, and it worked great for us. In my case, we were in different states altogether when we met.
If anyone gives you a hard time for having met someone online, tell them they're being ridiculous. One of the biggest blessings of the Internet, in romantic relationships as well as every other kind, is that geography doesn't have to limit us the way it once did.
Some people believe that everyone has a special someone, somewhere in the world. Imagine if that special someone happens to be three states away. Without the Internet, the odds of meeting that person are slim. Take advantage of the fact that you two were able to find each other, and don't let worry about what other people are going to think get in the way of something cool.
Posts: 12266 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
House: have you talked to your online GF by phone yet? I agree that online relationships are just as real as face to face ones. However with online, there's too much chance that the other person is not really who they say they are. Men pretend to be women, women pretend to be men. Married people pretend to be single... on and on it goes. Be careful.
Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
Dh, I doubt anyone will really care. Given the age of your peers, it's likely that someone will notice if you're embarrassed and try to torment you about it. If so, it won't be that it's contemptible to meet people online (I *hope* not!), but just if your tormentor notices that *you* think it's contemptible.
You've had a great time interacting with others. A new gift, worth exploring.
Posts: 1877 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I met my girlfriend online. And I also agree completely with starLisa, which may be a first. Show some respect, type as though you were talking to adults.
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Uhhm. I didnt come here to worry about my grammar. I'm just rather used to talking on AIM where you tend to shorten your conversations with understandable time savers (u, i, r, lol, ect...) But thank you all for the help. Well Christina dosent have a webcam, my friend does, we've done just about everything possible, including picture sharing, webcam(at least on my end), --->phone<--- , w/e. It's not her i'm worried about, nor our relationship. Like I said its just the reaction from my peers. You see, highschoolers tend to be very...immature. My only concern on her part is that she may be a little to young for me, being 15 and all, but her manner and attitude show me that she is more mature than many people.
Honestly though, if my typing is so completely bothersome, dont reply.
Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
Don't you know it Tante? I'm still sitting here wondering if I read that post right. Sorry, KOM, but it's a little unusual.
Anyway, I hope it works out for you. Get a new keyboard. They cost what...20 bucks tops for one that works? I can get one for 10 bucks. Back to the nitty gritty. Where are you going to take her for the first date? You don't have to answer if you don't want. I'm just wondering.
Screw your peers at the High School. Not really, but do they really matter? The ones who matter will show through. The ones who have an ounce worth giving a crap about will be there for you when you need advice or whatever.
Posts: 2208 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
You came to hatrack expecting sympathy and guidance. Well you can get both, and get some pointers on your grammar to boot. Does this bother you?
You have met a wonderful person online, who you enjoy interacting with. I am happy that you have done so, at least now you know you are not completely incompatable with the human race. There are others outside your room like this girl, find them.
I met my fiance on a blind date, and initially she just wanted a cool dude to play video games with, (yes she plays video games, its awesome!) She was not my FIRST girlfriend per se, I had kissed other girls, and been "coupled" with 1-2 other girls. My record for a relationship was 4 days as pathetic as that sounds. But we just sort of ran into each other on that blind date and started out as friends, things progressed pretty fast, and she makes me incredibly happy.
Just think of how young you are, and how many thousands of people you have met in your short life, and how all those people represent less than 1% of the worlds population. So far with your limited field of knowledge you have concluded that its safer in your room, if you met somebody who ate 1% of the things on a restaurants menu, would you think them wise if they ruled that the whole menu therefore sucked?
I agree with Trapper Keeper, get a job where you will meet alot of people, the human race is still good enough that meeting random people usually yields good results. Keep up your relationship with this girl, you have no idea where it will go and it has a possibility to be beautiful.
I know its hard to do this in High School, but stop caring what the kids of school think of what you are doing. If they are not reaching out to you, why do you care if they offer you their scorn?
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Stan the man: Don't you know it Tante? I'm still sitting here wondering if I read that post right. Sorry, KOM, but it's a little unusual.
I stick my tongue out at both of you. Posts: 12266 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Ok, here’s my two cents. Embarrassing things are a constant in life and don’t end once high school is over. The thing is how you handle them. Learning to laugh at yourself is always helpful in this too. That way it includes you in the fun and makes it no big deal to yourself. I understand what you’re saying and remember how hard HS was. But really, if you don’t let it bother you, it won’t really matter. You’re the only one who can make you happy, and others enjoy being around happy people. Easier said then done, but hey, what’s it hurt to try?
Posts: 2845 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
Ya'll can leave him alone about the grammar now, he's proven he can do it, so long as he continues to, it doesn't need to be harped on.
My take on the situation:
Usually I'd try and steer people away from online relationships when they are still in high school. It really depends on the particulars. If you are serious about this relationship, and you aren't just settling before it because you can't meet someone online, then I say stick with it and don't feel bad. If you like this girl, you shouldn't be ashamed or think it's pathetic.
So far as the school situation goes, it doesn't really matter what kids say. If you're insecure and it bothers you that other kids are ripping on you for having an online girlfriend, then I think that's a personal issue you should work through (threw? thru?). Like others have said, join clubs, get involved, don't let a single issue rule the rest of your life in high school. You have the choice of either ignoring the kids who make fun of you, or trying to explain the situation to them, but if they are really immature that'll probably just lead to more jokes. Or you could just lie and say you broke up and hide the whole thing, but I don't know how healthy that is, or how much it'd offend your girlfriend. I guess it depends on how bothered you are by the teasing, and how high schooly you want to be about it.
Don't worry about the age thing. 15 IS young, but then, when I was your age, I had a 15 year old girlfriend too. I was a junior when I met her as an incoming freshman. If you are both mature enough to handle it, it shouldn't matter at all.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Deceased House: information leaked via myspace. On her profile, she made a caption implying our relationship, which was picked up by another friend of mine, this time from school. thas how it all leaked. Now you see, i wouldnt loose this feeling for the life of me, what i need help with is possible embarrasment at school due to the patheticness of online relationships, i dont really care, but im trying to make things go by as easy as possible.
There's your solution, at the root of the problem.
Delete your stupid myspace now (this stuff is socially retarding anyway, sorry.) Yes I understand that theoretically a myspace is useful for some things, but I have yet to see this particular quality in action.
Deny. Deny. Deny. Simply say that there was a crazy person after you, you don't know who she is, you don't want any part of it. Your not going to start a relationship, so at least get out of it cleanly.
This may sound harsh, maybe a little cold, but get real, your not going to have a relationship here, your going to waste time and emotions on nothing but your computer screen, and that's fairly lame for a person with such an open future.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Wow. That's some of the worst advice I've ever heard on this forum.
If you take Orincoro's advice, you be acting like a huge jerk. Both by lying and because you know there is cross-over between your friends at school and in MySpace. So this girl, who you think is nice and has done absolutly nothing wrong, will hear that you're calling her a crazy stalker and don't want anything to do with her. Not a cool thing to do, even if you decided you wanted out of the relationship.
And yeah, you're both young, and you live far away from each other. The chances of it not working out in the long run are better than it working out. So what? You're not wasting time and emotions on nothing but a computer screen, you are spending time with what seems like a wonderful person who you like a lot, and you're having fun doing it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. And maybe it will work out. Stranger things have happened.
In brief, I think that Orincoro is 100% wrong, and you should pretend he never posted. Tell the truth, deal with the consequences, and enjoy getting to know your friend better.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
First of all, you're 17, so don't worry about it. Everybody is awkward and uncomfortable at 17. Anyone who pretends that they're not is just better at pretending.
Actually, that's not a big deal, pretending to be confident and friendly and open to new people is the first step toward actually becoming like that. Give it a shot.
You're getting some advice that sounds harsh, but it's essentially correct. "Dating" someone over the computer is safe and easy, there's distance, you can imagine that they only have good qualities, you don't have to worry about being hurt, you can gloss over whatever you think are your flaws... it's essentially false.
Get out there and meet some people. It's not as bad as you think. You said you're out there talking to people, and this is where you want to be, not in front of your computer.
Ignore this person, you're too young to waste time with a LDR. Go out and hang out with people who are in the same school and town as you are. If you meet a girl you'd like to date, ask her out. If she says no, whatever, ask another one.
I'm with Orincoro, deny that you have any relationship with this girl. Say you added her to your myspace friends or something, and she thinks she's your GF now. Forget her and find a girl you can actually go out and hang out with.
What's the point of a purely online relationship? You don't get to go on dates, hold hands, make out. That's the good stuff!
You said your life is changing for the better. Go with it. Don't look back.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Don't deny the relationship or lie about it.
It will only make the girl feel dreadful (which she has done nothing to deserve) and won't help your situation.
I second ElJay's advice.
quote: I'm with Orincoro, deny that you have any relationship with this girl. Say you added her to your myspace friends or something, and she thinks she's your GF now
Don't do it. It is mean, stupid and counterproductive.
Posts: 4393 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
Man, I can't believe what you guys are saying. You're telling him to be manipulative and creepy in his relationships with women. How about treat others as you'd be treated?
Yeah, it's hard for a teenager to carry on a long distance relationship. So it might not work out. I'm 32, and I started dating at 17. Still single. That means my first dozen or two relationships didn't work out. Big deal. You enjoy yourself, you grieve when it's over, you move on. But through it all you be honest to the people you get involved with. Otherwise you end up as a jerk. Don't be a jerk.
Deceased House, you don't really sound like you'd be taking these guys' advice anyway. But really. . . don't. It's awful.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I'm saying he should at least give it a try if that's what he wants. An' yes, ElJay, I agree with you on the treat others as you want to be treated.
Posts: 2208 | Registered: Feb 2004
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I don't think online relationships are the thing for me. But to advise someone who has one to pretend it doesn't exist so they can "save face" is pretty disgusting.
MightyCow and Orincoro, you guys do know that the person at the "other end of the keyboard" is a real person with real feelings, don't you?
If what you're suggesting he do much different from sleeping with a girl and then telling everyone she's just some crazy-crazy who thinks he's her girflfriend?
Posts: 367 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
Eeh, I wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship with an age difference like that at that age (the maturity levels between an average 15 year-old and a 17 year-old is rather large), but it's not terribly uncommon. I don't think it should be automatically considered negative.
Posts: 367 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
So.....being 17, does that mean that you're about to graduate, or are you a junior and have a year?
Either way, it boils down to this:
When you leave highschool, you will see (maybe) two of the people you know from highschooŀ excluding reunions and the sort. So what's it matter what others think?
I'm more or less in the same boat, being the 17, highschool, computer, whatever type of person. And I have found things to be so much easier if you can find a group of friends (when I say friends, I mean people you trust completely, or as completely as you possibly can) and listen to what they say. Be honest with them. Listen to what they say, just as you would listen to them if they came to you with a problem. And finally, forget about everyone else.
Ignore all the pointing and the jokes that might come (and they probably will come). Because anyone who maight point or laugh, is not really your friend. I know you've probably heard that from about a hundred people, but it really is true.
I started this year with about two, what I would consider, close friends. I worked in my six/four classes (depending on semester) and have learned that there are more people out there that might actually be friends with you than you initially thought. If you jsut let people be themselves, without the peer pressure, and you be yourself, things will happen that you never would have expected.
I would now consider about twenty different people my close friends. close enough that I would go to them with a personal problem. Maybe I'm more trusting than most people would be, but I trust them completely. They are people I would want to be around. Any one of them would be willing to help me out with anything. And the feeling is mutual.
I would never suggest that you shut her out. If this is something you may actually think will work, work on it. Because anyone who knows anything about relationships will tell you that they take work. So continue talking to her. Enjoy her company. And then, if things work out, invite us to the wedding. I'm sure some of us will come.
In twenty years, take her to your school reunion, and show all those people who laughed at you that they were wrong. And you were right.
Maybe this will help. Mayeb it won't. All I know is that I thought that coming from someone who, by the sound of it, is pretty similar to you, would make more sense. It's also possible this is all nonsense and should be ignored. Do with it what you will.
Oh, and P.S.
That two year difference is nothing. As long as you are both commited to working on the relationship, and are both mature about it, then it is not even a factor.
I trust your judgment on how mature is she, at least mentally. But don't, EVER, think that she is as mature physically (read: ready for the sexual contact). You let her decide when things are right. Suggest if you want, but don't push.
posted
I would never!!!, Could never!!!, Remember this people, I didnt ask for relationship advise, I asked for help dealing with the peer pressure. I have no intentions of just completely leaving her, this person that I have come to care for so much recently, this person that i'm sure is exacly right for me, and us for eachother, regardless of distance. To even suggest such a thing!!!
btw I am a senior.
Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2006
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quote:Originally posted by imogen: Don't deny the relationship or lie about it.
It will only make the girl feel dreadful (which she has done nothing to deserve) and won't help your situation.
I admit its harsh, but it is a sure solution to the problem at hand. I'm not talking perfect world, I'm talking from the vantage point of a former 17 year old who needed this advice a few years ago. Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Ori, that is horrible advice, and shows a lot about your views on various issues, IMO.
I am completely with ELJay on this one. Her way of handling this proves that you are mature enough to consider having a relationship; the other approach proves you aren't, and probably aren't going to be for a while.
It would also prove that you aren't a very nice person, either.
Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
No, it doesn't say anything about me, sorry. I sypathize as much with this situation as you, but as he came to us to be his advocates, I am simply offering this as a quick and dirty solution.
Is it right? No. Will it work? I think so. Would I do it? I wouldn't be in that situation, I don't do online dating. Common Kwea, if you think this piece of off-hand advice is highly representative of my worldview, then what have you been seeing in my posts? I am not proud of this one, but I think its a solid plan.
edit: that advice was also a reaction to my thought that he really didn't want a relationship with this girl... since he seems to, I doubt he will take it, and you don't need to tell him its not the right course.
On the other hand I've known a few people who invested their emotions and time in such a relationship, and I've never seen it work out. Not saying it won't, but I haven't seen it happen.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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It's an unecessarily harsh way to deal with the problem. If he wanted it to go away, which he clearly doesn't, couldn't he just call her like a friggin adult and break it off?
Why are you basically suggesting a method of break up that would usually be ascribed to a sixth grader to someone who is clearly more invested in this relationship?
Even if he didn't want a relationship with her, people on here are right, she's still a real person, and I'd think that any advice you'd give would be based on what you'd do personally. If that is what you would personally do, I don't think you're a very nice, or respectful person, to say nothing of your lack or maturity on the matter. Advice is often a reflection of the person giving it. Keep that in mind.
DH -
You want advice just about the teasing from the kids at school. You're a senior in high school, and heck if you're a senior RIGHT NOW, then aren't you graduating in a month or so? Deal with it for a month then you'll never see 99% of those people ever again, except the ones you actually WANT to see. Then choose to tell people as it applies. Mature people might be skeptical of the liklihood of success for an online relationship, but they should at least be respectful enough to not tease you about it, or for that matter, suggest that you cut off all contact with the person and call them a nutjob.
My advice is suck it up for another month until school is over, then start over in college. You get to choose who you want to be in, not the people around you judging you, so don't let their ribbing get to you and define your actions. It'll make your girl proud.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
My snap response is to say that people won't care as much as you're afraid they will. But then, I have no idea as to what your school's like. I went to school with 1500 people, so I was never worried about the student body collectively pointing at me and laughing, but your school could be much smaller.
If the news does in fact cause some sort of teasing, laugh along. It's probably good natured. If it's clearly not, have a snappy, "your mom," comeback line ready and remember that these people are not worth any more of your time.
Here's one way to go: "Hey [Deceased House], you have cybersex with your girlfriend last night?" "Nope, I was too busy having cybersex with your mom! OHHHHHHH SNAP!!" "no he di'int."
Real Hatrack moms, please don't take offense. You're beautiful people.
Posts: 2907 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Ahh, the good old "your mom" jokes, always there for a snappy comeback. It is true that school will be over shortly. I suppose I won't have to worry about it that much.
Good news: Day 1 is over and it went much better than expected. I was able to explain my situation comfortably to a number of people , and it was taken fairly well.
Now you see, after rereading my previous posts, I realize I may have came off as some kind of jerk. I apoligize.
Alrighty, so I have no life. I need to get one bad.
Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2006
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I never meant to even suggest that you would, if you thought I was saying that. I was just trying to ocunter what Orincoro had said.
THings may get worse, don't doubt that. But after two, maybe three days tops, you'll be fine. Just ignore everyone who is unjust in their actions
Posts: 283 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Just to say that this thread has some great advice in it that you can take with you beyond school to uni etc.
Last year, in my second year of uni, I had some difficulties. I felt isolated from my housemates, and felt out of it generally.
To get out of this rut, I talked to people at work (a job is brilliant for the future, but for now too: there's nothing better than having your own money! ), and on my course I built on friendships that were already there, making dinner for my friends, going to the cinema etc.
I also joined a society or two. Not all of them worked out (took up too much time), but another one I made some new friends and also got involved in doing volunteer work which is lots of fun.
I'm sure you're an interesting engaging person, and there are people at school and elsewhere who will respond to that, though it sometimes feels like you're alone, you won't be: if not at school, in a job or later on down the line. You mention video games, is there a video games group at your school?
Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
Lol well I never mentioned video games, but I do play them. Unfortunatly I have no job anymore, so I cannot keep up to date on the newest games, even though I do have to say that I accell at them. There is no video games club that I know of. I like to read now and listen to music. Even try to play some, to no avail mostly. But there are no clubs around my school for that. Im struggling with some highly personal issues, im not going to bring them up, cause everybody has their own issues, and im not asking for sympathy. That is my problem.
Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2006
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), and on my course I built on friendships that were already there, making dinner for my friends, going to the cinema etc.
