quote:Where are you going to take her for the first date? You don't have to answer if you don't want. I'm just wondering.
well I never really thought of that. This summer plans were to go there, seeing as to how she is still gonna be living with her mom. IDK. I was just thinking i'd show up and meet her friends, her parents...(her mom thinks I live in the neighboring town, where she grew up), maybe just hang out a bit. Maybe ill stay somewhere for a few days.
quote: I trust your judgment on how mature is she, at least mentally. But don't, EVER, think that she is as mature physically (read: ready for the sexual contact). You let her decide when things are right. Suggest if you want, but don't push.
I never really considered that. I dont think i'd wanna screw up a great thing because of something as foolish as that. When I was in 9th Grade I lost my virginity(my first and only time), at a party. I got this girl pregnant and she had an abortion. Now i would never had done this if I wasnt drunk, because id have been way to afraid of girls(like allways, even now), but that really gave me a perspective of life, and how foolish something like that could be. Don't Worry...ill probably never have sex again till im sure both are ready.
Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2006
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Eh, no biggie. You have time. That was a question I had asked myself some time ago when I met up with my now wife to be. However, we just hung out at different clubs in the area as really close friends for a while. We never really "dated." Good news tho now, she finally tolerates my being on the internet for a while each day.
Now that last bit...What you did is what you did. I'm just glad to see (it seems to me) that you learned a valuable lesson then. Granted, not one I ever recommend doing again (can't really say it w/o the "again" since you have already done). Definately wait till both of you are ready, and have a raincoat.
Posts: 2208 | Registered: Feb 2004
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I stand by my advice. This is not a real relationship, this is online puppy love. I am speaking from a situation of perspective here. I had similar "relationships" when I was in high school, and early in college, and I wish someone would have given me some productive advice then.
I'm not suggesting that DH act like a heel, but that he break it off with the out of state crush and get a real girlfriend instead. Tell her that you value the friendship, but that you're not ready to get into a long distance relationship and you just want to be friends.
Here's what I know, as someone who's been there, and as someone who worked 3 years at a professional dating service. If you've never gone on a date with someone, she's not your girlfriend. If you've never spent any time together in real life, you don't have a relationship.
You have an online penpal. While that's nice, it's not a girlfriend. You don't know her, and she doesn't know you. You don't know if you have any chemistry in real life, you don't know if you can stand her quirks, or how she smacks her gum when she talks, or how she refuses to shave her legs, or that she is rude to waiters, or that she always wants to go out to eat and never wants a quiet night alone, or that she kisses like a dead fish...
You have to spend time with someone to know if you like them. Having online only relationships is safe and easy, but it's not getting you out of the house, it's not making you new friends, and it's not helping you to be a more social, more fun, more outgoing person. That is what you need. You don't need myspace friends to chat online with, you need real friends to go out and have fun with, to meet and flirt with girls in real life, to go to parties and on dates.
Don't be a jerk to her, but don't waste your time or her time with a long distance, online only relationship. You don't have the means or the time to go and move to her town, and that's honestly a bad idea in any case.
You asked for help, and that's it. You may not like it, but the best thing you can do is get out of the house and meet people and do things. You're too young to turn into a recluse.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Deceased House: Hey pplz keep the advice rolling. Im now accepting relationship advise as well.
I'm a big fan of ending relationships that seem doomed. Easy for me to say, since you're the one invested in this, but when things hit major obstacles at the age of 17, that is a bad sign about the future of the relationship.
Ask any college student who went into college in a long term relationship, or worse a long distance one, and almost all of them will say they regretted stringing it out as long as they did. There will always be those that are meant for each other, but for every one of those there are 10 couples who stayed together too long. The longer you're together, the more you invest, and the harder it is to break-up, even if breaking up will help you socially and intellectually. I've known plenty of couples who get so wound up in their own personal universe, it seems like they can barely participate in the real world. Just try not to become one of those, they're really annoying.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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Let me ask you this DH: Why are you worried about what the kids at school will say or think? Why did you come here and ask us about it?
This whole thing is sending up all kinds of red flags. Somethings don't jive.
Why do you feel that you have to make up so many stories about this relationship? You're telling your friends that you have a girlfriend from a neighboring town, you're telling her parents that you're from right next door, not another state.
You shouldn't have to build this many lies to have a relationship. It's not constructive, it's destructive. What are her parents going to say when they find out you're a HS grad from another state, and want to date their HS daughter you met on the Internet. I'm not saying it's wrong, but you and she both seem to think it is.
Things are more complicated than you are making them out to be. It's not just about peer pressure from some people who you don't know well when you'll be graduating in a few months (weeks?) anyway and won't be seeing them again.
Look, you don't have to answer to me. You do have to answer to yourself. If you've got reservations, if things don't feel kosher to you, you need to listen to yourself. It's obvious to me that you want to go over this and figure out what's really bothering you. Use us as a sounding board if that helps, but you figure out what's going on and make sure you understand what worries you before you act.
Let me ask one more thing: How soon until you turn 18? Think about the complications of an 18 year old guy coming from out of state to meet a 15-16 year old girl who he met over the Internet.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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This whole thing was an immediate red flag for me. I have pretty good instincts for craziness- and this whole thing just screams trouble. Jeez, when your 17 the world is your crazy screwed up emotional oyster.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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You know, I got to thinking, and I still don't know where it is she lives. Your profile says that you're in NY, but how far away is she? If it's only one state, that's not that big of a deal, especially in New England. But if she's out west, that might be a little harder.
quote:Definately wait till both of you are ready, and have a raincoat.
Raincoat. It's been forever since I've heard it called that. I LOVE IT!!
Posts: 283 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Hmmm...I can fully understand these arguements, but unfortunatly(no not unfortunatly) there has ben too much attachment, weve really grown on eachother (at least on my part). She lives in Ohio, which is a fair distance from NY. But untill we can see how things are going to work, I still will continue it. I recognize the potential benifits, but considering how we seem to just work...that would be way to cruel. Now ive managed to just get conversation away from the topic in school. Honestly ladies, if you were in highschool and you had some older kid from another state "dating" you, would your parents be thrilled? Nah, I don't think so. But I couldnt just run off, couldnt just go that wouldnt be right.
Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2006
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hmmmm............that is a little distance. but it still could be worse. Ohio to upper NY is still only and eight hour drive at most. But, hey, on the bright side. If you two do meet and get married, and it's in her town, you'll have at least one person there. I live in central ohio, so I'm about close to anything.
Good luck, and keep us updated on the thing.
[ May 10, 2006, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: Peter ]
Posts: 283 | Registered: Jan 2003
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quote: Let me ask one more thing: How soon until you turn 18? Think about the complications of an 18 year old guy coming from out of state to meet a 15-16 year old girl who he met over the Internet
Sure it sounds bad when you put it like that. I think however when you consider the surrounding circumstances it's still alright, depending on other factors.
Just how mature is this girl? Like I said before, in high school my girlfriend was two years younger than me, but she was very emotionally mature, mostly do to outside factors involving her home life, but she was very mature. If DH's girl is the same way, then I see zero problem with the age thing, or the net thing. This assumes she's smart enough to know what she is doing. I think chances are decent that she does know, but I don't think it would hurt for DH to have a serious conversation with her, if he hasn't already, about internet dating/the age difference for him to see if she really does understand the situation and isn't taking things the wrong way or being irresponsible.
I don't see the age thing as an issue. And I think telling friends that she is from a neighboring town is really a harmless lie. A lie is a lie, sure, but he's only doing it to save himself a little hassle.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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Yes somebody who agrees. You see we've both had very similar experiences involving our early childhood (not ones i'm about to share with everybody on Hatrack) she is very in touch with things. its rare that I can have an actual intelligent conversation with anybody. Her being younger than me is just a side thing, it means she has more life to live, and I like that. The age thing is not an issue. Actually it works out nice because before I even met her I was looking at some colleges out there. But its just for simplicity; these fibs.
Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Deceased House: Yes somebody who agrees. You see we've both had very similar experiences involving our early childhood (not ones i'm about to share with everybody on Hatrack) she is very in touch with things.
If your talking about childhood trauma... I don't think that gets people MORE in touch with the world. Certainly it will create an affinity between you two, but that just screams chaotic louder than anything you've said thus far. Codependency grows from such connections, and reaching out to a fellow victim is not getting help or moving on, neccessarily.
I am assuming a lot, and maybe I'm wrong about the details, but do consider that if it has any relevence to your situation.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Deceased House: Yes somebody who agrees. You see we've both had very similar experiences involving our early childhood (not ones i'm about to share with everybody on Hatrack) she is very in touch with things. its rare that I can have an actual intelligent conversation with anybody. Her being younger than me is just a side thing, it means she has more life to live, and I like that. The age thing is not an issue.
If you've both got issues that you need to work out, a cross-country relationship with someone 15 years old isn't going to fix them. Maybe you need to see a counselor if you feel that you have some emotional problems that you want to work out, or have had traumatic experiences. Your girlfriend is not your therapist. Even worse, a 15 year old is not a therapist.
You say that it's rare that you get to have an intelligent conversation with anyone. She can't be the only person in the world who can converse. You need to talk to more people.
I really don't get the idea of a 15 year old having "more life to live." You're only 17, you both have plenty of life to live. That sentence just sounds so off, I don't know where to begin.
Here's the deal: You've had some hard times, you're not very social, you don't have a lot of friends in your town. That's not a big deal. If you've had some seriously traumatic experiences, abuse, criminal behavior, whatever it is that makes you feel messed up, you should get counseling and work through that.
Running to another state to be with a girl you don't really know isn't going to solve any of your problems. It sounds like you'll be making more problems for yourself. The fact that you two share whatever these hidden problems is makes things worse. Neither of you are qualified to help each other. You can't solve her problems, and she can't solve yours. You can only fix yourself.
Anyway, you sound like you're hell bent on following this through, and I doubt anything I say will make you change your mind. I hope that things work out for you, and that you don't do anything that will cause you more trouble down the line.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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Just more curiousity on my part; but waht colleges have you looked at?
I'm not trying to pry, but I, personally, think that somethimes the little stickler details can help define a person. And this whole thread has gotten me interested into your personality.
Posts: 283 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Ok so wow this thread is dying, I almost lost it there. Alrighty...but why are you interested in me? Ehh dont worry bout me. There is a college that sent me something in the mail...uhhm from Westerville. I cant remember the name.
But anyways, say I go down there, wouldnt you think that her and I being together would be beneficial to me? I realize that this probably wont be any life long thing, but I would be getting out of my house, meeting new people, seeing things and places...what could go wrong?
Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2006
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Raincoat. It's been forever since I've heard it called that. I LOVE IT!!
