This version of your opening is an improvement, I’m not sure you really have a hook here but I am getting some feeling for who the MC is.William Weaver gave a final pass over his landscape, ensuring quality control, before mounting it, wrapping it, and loading it into his Hyundai.
I personally don’t like it when people use full names when introducing a character unless there is a compelling reason to do so. Lots of people who are far better writers than I do it, but I personally don’t like it. More importantly, I don’t think this sentence is doing anything for you other than telling us the MC’s name and I’m unsure of ‘ensuring quality control’ this phrase seems more mechanical then artistic, perhaps that is intentional.
The piece found its home in the holding area of the local police department. Above was a sign which read “Wish you were here”.
Little odd to have a painting in a holding area (I think, never been arrested) I’m moderately interested why. I’m not sure what the sign means are the cops being funny? Wish you were here (the landscape) because then your not our problem.
William took a moment admiring it alongside the precinct receptionist.
Grammar isn’t my strong suit but I think “to admire” is better
She occasionally moved her eyes to him, feigning attention on the work. He didn't know if that meant anything. He played indifferent...too well.
I think it should be “attention to the work”. The phrase “too well” seems like it is suppose to have some punch to it but I’m unsure what you mean. Are we to take from this that he is interested in the receptionist or is this meant more as general comment on William’s personality
“There’s no signature,” she said.
“It’s small and covered by the frame. Most buyers prefer modesty in their painters.” He lied.
I’m on board, he doesn’t want to take credit for the painting and feels compelled to lie about it. I’m curious why.
Considering where the result was fated to, William felt it appropriate the work remain anonymous.
The first phrase reads funny and I’m not sure I get why he wants it anonymous.
He figured she was his age, at the sunset of their teens, and like him had never seen outside of the town.
‘Sunset of their teens’ is awfully melodramatic.
Devin