posted
Genre: romantic suspense/urban fantasy 194 pages 77,800+ words
Something that felt incredibly evil was trying to get to Erin. As she fled from it down dark twisting corridors she’d catch glimpses around her of a faces, eyes filled with horror. Or hear a scream, or spy hands reaching out to her, pleading for help. She knew her only hope to save them, and herself, was to reach the shining object suspended in mid-air ahead of her in the gloom. Just as she thought she would succeed she woke, bathed in sweat and shaking with fear, unable to go back to sleep.
This wasn’t the first time she had had the nightmare. In fact, it wasn’t the first time this week that she’d had it and she was really beginning the feel the results of loosing sleep. Yesterday she discovered that she had mixed up two of her deliveries. She was thankful that they involved regular clients who understood.
She dragged herself out of bed. A glance out the window showed her that the day was not going to be good, again. 6:30 and still dark, and teeming rain to boot. Groaning, she got dressed for work.
By evening she was more than ready for the day to end, but it wasn’t going to happen. That morning, on top of everything else, she’d gotten a call from a new client asking her to make an evening delivery. Even though she had warned him it would cost double, he was adamant that she come out at 9 p.m. to pick it up.
posted
The first sentence made me laugh, which may not have been your intention. It just seemed really over-blown, and impossible (in that something can't feel evil). Except ...
it's a dream. I suggest noting that it's a dream in sentence #1, if you decide to go this route, as in:
posted
I too had trouble with the first line, though not for the same reasons. To me it would seem less awkward if it were broken up into two sentences, one telling us that something is pursuing Erin, the other letting us know that it feels evil to her. But that's strictly personal preference!
The thing that really annoyed me about this is not knowing what kind of business Erin is in. What kind of deliveries does she make? Groceries? Department store purchases? Antiques? Erin knows what she is delivering, so why withhold it from the reader? As a reader, I am feeling slighted that you will not tell me what the POV character obviously knows. Unless you have a really really good reason for withholding that information, and it becomes apparent VERY quickly... don't!
posted
I also didn't quite like the first line. You could maybe drop it and pick up with "Erin fled down dark twisted corridors..." Minor point - I don't think "teeming" applies to rain.
Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I think the first line would work better with another adjective than evil. In fact, I think we should all try to write without ever using the word evil. It's really easy to use left and right, and most of us fall into the trap of using it, but it is quite a generic word that doesn't tell the reader anything. If you somehow described how Erin feels about what is chasing her in a way that makes the reader infer that the presence is evil, it would work better. It may be worth it to drop the sense of evil altogether, and just work with Erin's fear of what she is escaping. People don't know how evil feels, but they do know fear. It may connect the reader to the story much more quickly. Just a thought.
Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Along with most of the others, I had an issue with the first sentence. My problem was that it didn't engage me. Something that felt evil could mean many different things. It could mean that she felt scared or threatened or the hairs on the back of her head stood up or any number of ideas.
I think that if you were to really describe the feeling she got from this unknown force it would be shown to be 'evil' and draw the reader into the story better.
posted
hi edythe, i agree with Shadowynd suggestion. But i definitely got the feeling that something malevolent was pursuiing Erin and that she was in a very nasty place. Also i think you might be using too many "she's" Try inserting the name of your character somewhere so the reader who is slow like me, won't forget who "She Is", especially so early on in the story. But, i did want to read more and look forward to doing so.
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Callia - I didn't realize till you mentioned it that there were so many 'she's'- thanks And to all - no more 'evil' *g*
Something very wicked, very malevolent, was trying to capture Erin. As she fled from it down dark twisting corridors she’d catch glimpses around her of a faces, eyes filled with horror. Or hear a scream, or spy hands reaching out, pleading for help. She knew her only hope to save them, and herself, was to reach the shining object suspended in mid-air in the shadows ahead of her. Just as she thought she would succeed Erin woke, bathed in sweat and shaking with fear, unable to go back to sleep.
This wasn’t the first time Erin had had the nightmare. In fact, it wasn’t the first time this week, and she was really beginning the feel the results of loosing sleep. Yesterday she had mixed up two of her deliveries, and as a courier that could have caused big problems. Thankfully they were for regular clients who understood.
She dragged herself out of bed. A glance out the window showed her that the day was not going to be good, again. 6:30 and still dark, and pouring rain to boot. Groaning, she got dressed for work.
By evening Erin was more than ready for the day to end, but it wasn’t going to happen. That morning, on top of everything else, there had been a call from a new client asking her to make an evening delivery. Even though she had warned him it would cost double, he was adamant that she come out at 9 p.m. to pick it up.
posted
Well, I'm just going to comment on the re-write you made, and I apologize ahead of time because I'm in a very nit picking mood and running on a few hours sleep so, don't take offense if I nit pick too much - but don't bludgeon me either. ;-)
Alrighty, let's see. I'll put original text in [ ]
[As she fled from it down dark twisting corridors she’d catch glimpses around her of a faces, eyes filled with horror.]
Maybe I'm a dolt, and too tired, but this sentence was a little confusing, particularly the phrase 'around her of a faces, eyes filled with horror.' Do you mean a face? Or many faces? I assume you mean many faces due to your next sentence so it's probably the a that is getting to me.
[In fact, it wasn’t the first time this week, and she was really beginning the feel the results of loosing sleep.]
Do you mean 'to feel' rather than 'the feel'? And also, I believe its losing, not loosing.
Although you gave a little more information about her occupation- that's she's a Courier- still a little vague and I'm left wondering exactly what she's delivering, but that's enough to keep me reading if there's some sort of explanation later on in the story. Other than that it's pretty good, I'm adament to know exactly what is chasing her in these dreams, and who these other ghostly apparations are. So I would definately keep reading, you've got my interest. Good Job!
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Good Job!
