posted
I'm hoping to submit this after revision, so I'm looking for people to read the whole thing (but comments on the opening are always welcome!).
Thanks! Ariel
“Oh!” exclaimed Marisol, opening her present. “It’s one of those new robotic vacuum cleaners.”
“That is what you wanted, isn’t it?” Jaime asked, a little anxiously.
“Of course,” Marisol replied quickly. “It’s just what I wanted.”
It wasn’t until the next morning, when she was alone in their suburban house and viewing the online instruction manual for the Air-Roll Robomatic Cleaner, that she let herself admit she was disappointed. She’d joked once that an artificially-intelligent cleaning machine would help her keep on top of the chores, but she must have mentioned a hundred times that she wanted a diamond tennis bracelet for her birthday.
“If only husbands came with an instruction manual,” she said sadly to the Air-Roll Robomatic.
posted
I'm sorry, but I'm not hooked yet. An unthinking husband who gives his wife a "practical" present, a wife who's shallow enough to think that a diamond tennis bracelet is a must-have item...
The last line is a good one, though, so if you want to rework it, maybe you should start there.
posted
Oh, the robo-vac run amuck story! Who was it that wrote that priceless gem about one woman's struggle to retrieve her heirloom ring from the innards of the beast?
Anyway, the opening does seem a bit off. You're starting at a scene that doesn't really have much to do with your core story, and then you jump a full day to the scene where you casually explain what the last scene was all about. In other words, that first scene doesn't stand on it's own, aside from not having any setting, real characterization, or identifiable POV.
If you started with the morning after her anniversery, you'd probably have a stronger opening here.
posted
I can't say I'm that excited about reading on either, I'm afraid. The opening does achieve what an opening is supposed to achieve -- that is, give us characters and conflict, among other things. For me, I wasn't crazy about the prose itself. A comment like that requires some specifics, so...
You should avoid, I think, trying to come up with synonyms for "said" in your dialogue tags. Even in this short snippet there's "exclaimed Marisol," "Jaime asked," and "Marisol replied." It's a much more effective practice to (most of the time) just use "said" along with some active descriptors.
Secondly, I was put off my the adverbs: "a little anxiously" and "replied quickly." I think Stephen King said that an author who uses adverbs is "just lazy." That's a bit much, I think. Me, when I find an adverb in one of my stories I consider it an opportunity for a bit of active exposition.
posted
Before I clicked the link and read this fragment, I thought this must be one of those hoax postings, where someone puts up 13 lines of a famous story and then snickers as we unknowingly tear it apart.
Apologies for that ungracious thought .
Is this a homage? It has that Asimov sort of feel, especially with regard to the social attitudes. That might be at least part of the reason why it didn't engage me. I didn't feel that I cared much about wimpy Marisol or her adventures with the unwanted Robomatic. I'd really be looking for her to show some wit or initiative in dealing with the situation.
posted
I will add that the main passage falls flat: two very long sentences that leave the reader exhausted. And I agree with Tcher, in that the line containing the diamond tennis bracelet makes the character seem shallow. Not an attribute that's going to engage a reader's interest.
The humor doesn't come across... yes, I can see where it's supposed to be, but it just doesn't leap out at me.
Have you read any John Sladek? Study closely what it is that he does, particularly his humorous robot novels 'The Reproductive System' (1968) and 'Tik Tok' (1983)
If this is meant as an homage, then Sladek would be a far worthier writer to emulate. Asimov was too coy, and had none of the bite of, say, Tiptree, Tenn or Vonnegut or even Sheckley.
[This message has been edited by Paul-girtbooks (edited August 31, 2005).]
posted
Thanks to everyone for your comments. I wasn't intending to write an homage or channel Asimov, fun as that would be, so obviously I need to do some serious revision.
Posts: 150 | Registered: Aug 2005
|
posted
Well, the major similarity to Asimov is evoked by the title (his "Satisfaction Guaranteed" concerns a woman and a domestic robot, but it's an android, not a vacuum cleaner), so if you change the title, you would probably avoid the comparison .
Posts: 245 | Registered: Aug 2005
|
posted
I think the premise is sound for humor, but it needs a lot more color. All you have right now is a very bare sketch. But in any case, I don't think you should give up, as human frustration with machinery is a potential humor goldmine if approached just right.
Posts: 29 | Registered: Aug 2005
|
Printer-friendly view of this topic
.
.
