posted
“So you will correct the bodice, at no extra charge?”
“No, ma’am, I a-makin’ the change you ask me at no extra charge . . . as a courtesy," said Shama Non.
“Say it however you wish, but see if I recommend you to anyone.” The bride-to-be left in yet another snit.
Right, ma’am, I do you an exquisite dress at half the price to favor your Pa and you chisel me. Yes, I will fix the bodice. Shama selected a hidden sewing kit. She disassembled the bodice and with a special thread sewed a hexagram on the interface between the layers. Within the hexagram she sewed symbols of two left feet, two interlaced rings and a stop-hex. Then she made the changes to the original design suggested by the bride.
Don't break nothing when you go trippin’ down the aisle, dearie.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited July 26, 2007).]
posted
Oh, you're naughty! It reminds me of the Maker world, and I like it. Is the bridezilla going to get her comeupance?
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Witchy, witchy, pentagrams and hexes. I can just imagine the seamstress cackling with laughter. I also picture her as an old crone - just from the 'dearie' at the end.
I like the seamstress' voice contrasted with the haughtiness of the bride.
Technical: The thought of Shama, without quotes, is in her voice and in present tense. The narrative in the same paragraph is in a different voice and past tense. Perhaps split the thought into its own paragraph like the wishful, cackling, thought at the end.
posted
This is the kind of first 13 that would make me read fantasy because it's different, direct, fun and has a clear hook. Great start.
I found 'snit' and 'chisel' bemusing, maybe because I'm English or maybe because I mostly read science fiction and steam age historicals. But it sounds like the way she speaks, and if it's only me confused they're best left alone.
posted
Is this a first 13 or flash fiction? I'd submit it to a flash fiction market more or less as is.
Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
Thanks for the comments, all of which were helpful. It is not flash fiction. What I posted was all I had at the time, but it is now "complete" at 2500 words . . . not flash, but still quite short. It has three episodes, all of which are somewhat flash-like.
TaleSpinner, I've always been fascinated with how far Brit English has diverged from American English. I looked in a Cambridge dictionary to confirm that "snit" is an informal, US-only word. The meaning: in a (frivolous) foul mood. I added "frivolous" to the meaning because I think that is more accurate. "Chisel me" was metaphoric: chip away at her price.
posted
I liked it a lot. "Snit" and "chisel" were just fine with me -- nice, sharp, descriptive words, and pretty common in my environment. Great start.
You didn't tell us what you wanted in your initial post; that would have helped me figure out what I should do. It sounds like you're ready for readers, though, and I happily volunteer.
posted
Question of protocol. When I offer to read, I e-mail the writer direct. I notice several people here offer in the thread. Is either preferable to the other?
Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
Hi! I really enjoyed the first few lines and would love to see the rest. I thought your MC had a really great voice, not just the word choice and accent you used, but the sentence structure and the natural pauses that happened when I read it. Good job!
quote:Question of protocol. When I offer to read, I e-mail the writer direct. I notice several people here offer in the thread. Is either preferable to the other?
It can be done either way, Rick. The main difference is probably that if you offer in the thread, then others know you offered.
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I looked in a Cambridge dictionary to confirm that "snit" is an informal, US-only word. The meaning: in a (frivolous) foul mood. I added "frivolous" to the meaning because I think that is more accurate. "Chisel me" was metaphoric: chip away at her price.
