posted
Sometimes, it really sucks being the overnite DJ in a small town like Eek! Ohlahoma. In case this does not immediately make perfect sense to you, allow me to count the ways: 1)You work all night and sleep all day; ergo, no social life 2)Every time you find a fun piece of music to play, it happens to be on the night the Decency League is having their Annual Midnight Bowlathon and Fundraiser. 3)You get paid less than the drive-thru kid at MacDonalds 4)Every time you accidentally lock yourself out of the studio without your keys, listening helplessly as the station goes silent while you repeatedly get the locksmith's voicemail, it happens to be the night that the owner is in town, entertaining prospective buyers so that he can unload this turkey.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 29, 2007).]
posted
As for myself, I would much rather see these facts presented in a less clinical way - see them illustrated in scenes where these points are brought out.
"You get paid less than the drive-thru kid at MacDonalds" This reads slightly awkward to me - it seems to say the kid at MacDonalds himself is drive-thru. "You get paid less than the kid at the MacDonalds drive-thru window."
I assume that the MC is a vampire (sleeps all day, works all night) If this is the case, you might, instead of pointing out the negatives he faces, point out the positives of being a vampire in such a position. ("Sometimes it really sucks being the overnite DJ in a small town like Eek! Oklahoma, and that's why I took the job.") The positives would be far from mundane and could be very interesting and entertaining. Just a thought.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited August 29, 2007).]
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For a short story named Vampire Love!, I think the reader will be accept quirky starts as long as they're snappy.
One variation could be to make this a monologue to the listeners, without the enumeration.
"You know, listeners, it really sucks being...."
Halfway through, he could say something like, "The phone's ringing now. That would be the station manager telling me to play a record," and then mock the manager as part of his bit.
posted
Love it! I immediately have in mind this small-town DJ who's mostly organized and sometimes not. The connection to vampires isn't apparent, but that's ok, the narrator's voice is to me attractive enough to read for a while. And he or she works at night so there's bound to be a connection. Put me down for a read, Deb.
I did balk at Eek! Ohlahoma though. Surely the US Postal Service would not allow you to call a town Eek! You'd at least have to drop the shriek, wouldn't you? And, um, is Ohlahoma in Hawaii? Sounds to me like it should be ;-)
posted
It's been 15 years since I worked at McDonalds, but I don't remember being assigned to any one area. We moved around a lot, never knew where we'd be each day until we started--and then we might move around a lot during a shift. Of course, it was a small, rural store in Alaska, so "real stores" might vary. So "drive-thru kid" sticks out to me, personally, but I imagine most readers will accept it.
I'd tolerate the numbered list to see if the writing and story were good, but since something non-standard is being attempted, those things would have to really grab me.
I don't feel a huge hook, but the character is interesting enough that I might read a few more paragraphs.
quote: Sometimes, it really sucks being the overnite DJ in a small town like Eek! Ohlahoma. In case this does not immediately make perfect sense to you, allow me to count the ways: 1)You work all night and sleep all day; [ergo<--Would a DJ use ergo?], no social life 2)Every time you find a fun piece of music to play, it happens to be on the night the Decency League is having their Annual Midnight Bowlathon and Fundraiser. 3)You get paid less than the drive-thru kid at MacDonalds 4)Every time you accidentally lock yourself out of the studio without your keys, listening helplessly as the station goes silent while you repeatedly get the locksmith's voicemail, it happens to be the night that the owner is in town, entertaining prospective buyers so that he can unload this turkey.[Kind of long and rambling] 5)Even after you manage to offend the Decency League, the Owner,
1) This numbered-list-format is a turn-off.
2)
quote: In case this does not immediately make perfect sense to you, allow me to count the ways:
Talking directly to me murders the immersion.
3) Sounds like the movie Pump Up the Volume.
4) Where the BEEF -- uh, vampire?
PS - I feel naked without my leather jacket.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited August 29, 2007).]
posted
Boy, you guys are picky, picky, picky. How's this?
Sometimes, it really sucks being the overnite DJ in a small town like Eek! Arizona. About the only friend I have here in town is Alice, who works overnights at the Sack-o-Snaks next door to the radio station. At least once a night, I make a run for chow and moral support during a long-play. It's a matter of survival. If I just sat there for eight hours in that stupid chair, listening to Rod Stewart and Billy Joel, I'd kill myself. And, that was pretty much my life until I ran into – literally – the man of my dreams. My mom is still getting adjusted to the whole “my son-in-law is a vampire” thing, but hey, we did get married – it's not like we're living in sin, or anything. I had just reached the point that night where my brains were leaking out my ears and my butt has gone numb, so I gave
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited August 30, 2007).]
posted
I just looked up Pump up the Volume on google. I don't particularly recall that one, but do you remember Airheads - or FM?
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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Wouldbe looked listily at the introduction, hoping that this time it would count. "Oh no," he cried, "looks like she bit the bullets this time."
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I'm full of list for you, baby! Actually, this is just a thinly disguised ploy to get Inarticulate Babbler's approval - I'm going to work the list in later, when he's not looking. Shh!
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
short and humorous tale of vampire love - now complete at 3250 words and looking for readers. Could I interest you in a bite?
(p.s. - happy ending and the good guys win, Rick - as long as you consider a snappy dressing vampire one of the good guys) There's even dogs and old people. And a baby.
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