posted
Just a polite warning: bad language from the first line; depiction of kinky acts; things guaranteed to disturb the stomach. You have been warned.
Also, I'm looking for people to crit the story relatively soonish, as I've got a very tight deadline. If anyone can step up to the challenge, feel free to send me something to crit in return and I'll get it back to you ASAP.
ZOMBIE LOVE SONG
She smelled of sh*t and she was beautiful. It was on a waste heap outside Calcutta that Mother Earth retrieved her. Jamie was human no more.
I saw her blood filter amongst rotting food and ash; I saw vines ravelling over her body. Then she rose, an animated corpse, with flies and stench billowing from her bloated lips. Maggots fell from her vagina, her nose. Compost steam wafted from her gold skin.
And she smiled at me. I knew she remembered. Death couldn’t steal that. She was a chthonic queen, resurrected by the angry soil and the screaming wind. Green shoots pricked up through her epidemis and flowered into lilies across her arms. Then, just as quickly, they withered and died, falling away and leaving weeping holes behind.
[This message has been edited by baduizt (edited March 11, 2008).]
posted
Wow. Nice 13. That first line is absolutely classic! And I love your use of vocabulary too. I had to look up ravelling. I knew things could be "unravelled", but I'd never thought that first they'd actuallly have to BE ravelled. **sigh**. Oh well, now I know. And I liked your use of "cthonic". I don't even think they list that in the dictionary any more.
So, in conclusion. GREAT Opening line and nice follow up. I would definitely give this story a chance if I read it at a bookstore. I'd probably laugh out loud and scare the people around me, because...man, is that a great opening line. I know we're all about the "first thirteen" on here, but I think we'd all like to have that "first line hook" that makes the reader go "Damn...that's hot."
posted
I have to tell you, I hate zombies' stories. But your story really caught me! Of course I was disgusted at first by the scene, but that's what zombies about right? I just loved it!
Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2007
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posted
Great opening; I don't know much about the genre (or about any creative writing, for that matter), but I'm hooked. I would change "filter amongst" to either "filter through" or some other verb with "amongst." Who knows, maybe even "frolic" or "meander" or something would work.
I would keep reading if I saw it in a bookstore, but not where my studnets could see me.
very descriptive, pulls you in for sho'! not often I find myself entrenched enough in the first thirteen that I feel a little sad inside that I can't read the rest.
Id love it if you sent it my way, purely to read for my own enjoyment (is that selfish? oh well, hopefully its also complementry (can I use "complementry" like that??))
posted
This type of story is most definitely not my cup o' tea. Based on content, I hated it. But that's a subjective reaction. Objectively (as much as I can be), this is clear writing that delivers a strong impact. Good job - I can recognize the quality even though I'm not a fan of this genre.
The first and third paragraph are visual and concisely set the scene. However, I wonder if the second paragraph might be a bit over the top. Dragging out the cliche of "less is more", perhaps you could delete the last two sentences in this paragraph (the maggots and the compost steam). Then you have her bloated lips, and in the next line, she smiles at him. A nice flow.
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