To: General John Beckett, Director of Special Projects in Physics Manipulation
Of: Ophelia Defense Initiative
Log: 01200 9/26/3125

There was a time, Mr. Beckett, when a man could look up at the sky and wonder. When stars were immortal and possibilities were infinite. When the oceans flowed into the horizon, meeting their destiny in a collision of fiery oblivion. I am not suggesting that in such a time men were free from fear. No doubt, to understand so little would cause one to feel quite small. But in a way, it was a time of supreme liberation. When one could only traverse up that glorious peak we have come to call civilization. A time of constant endeavor, exploration and innovation. It was beautiful, I have always said so. I earnestly believe Rousseau had it right.

Alternate:
If you were to delve into your history Mr. Beckett, you may find that many have attempted to direct your kind towards our existence. Unfortunately, in man’s inability to pass on direct memories, such people as we chose to carry our messages were labeled crazy, absurd, insane and unwanted. At best they were ignored and at worst they left a legacy. In the wake of our interventions came religions, movements, cults, and frequently enough bloodshed to fill an ocean. The convolutions changed our world as much as yours Mr. Beckett and in feeling responsible for the forfeit of lives, we have ceased our attempts to make contact until the last available opportunity. For this reason I write to you now, to make my kind known, and to tell you why I’m going to do what I’m going to do.

The beginning is somewhat interchangeable, I still think I prefer the former, but this paragraph may have more of a hook to it. I'm wondering which to use in sending it to the publisher though.

[This message has been edited by Mumbles16 (edited September 15, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Mumbles16 (edited September 15, 2008).]

I think it works, I would keep reading. The writing is better than "flowery" because it is coherent. When I think flowery I think "over-the-top trying to dazzle with words." You seem to be building up to some point and I would guess that it would be made before the end of the page, if not in the next few sentences.

For the most point I don't like to be left in the dark when the character I am following knows something - I need to know what he knows - and it doesnt make me want to read on.

"But in a way, it was a time of supreme liberation. When one could only traverse up that glorious peak we have come to call civilization."

I am by no means an expert on grammar, but my initial impression is that this might read better in one of the following, slightly altered forms:

But in a way, it was a time of supreme liberation, when one could only traverse up that glorious peak we have come to call civilization.

or...

But in a way, it was a time of supreme liberation. A time when one could only traverse up that glorious peak we have come to call civilization

Also, I think the line "when one could only traverse up that glorious peak we have come to call civilization" perhaps needs a little more explanation. I'm not quite sure what you're going for here, but maybe something like "when one could only dream of traversing to that glorious peak we have come to call civilization" or "when one could traverse up that glorious peak we have come to call civilization, but never attain it." These are generic examples, but I'm sure you get the idea. If I've missed the point of this sentence entirely, I apologize.

Just one man's thoughts and opinions. Maybe they can help you out a little bit. Best regards,