Bob Stevens, head of the America's Response Syndicate, left the courthouse to face reporters. "I thank Team France for their suit that defined S-class space-yachts five years ago, which enabled the Spacefaring America's Cup. I look forward to defending my Cup. I find it amusing that the present French suit aimed at overturning their own ruling after they got their aft-quarters kicked in space." Bob took took no questions and cornered his lawyer. "I thought this suit would take a month longer, at least." "Sorry pal, you won," said Ned Bacon. "Thank me." "Okay, thank you so bloody much for giving the French time to finish their under-the-cover mods but not mine.
---newer opening---
"The Deed of Gift, as amended in 2032, seems clear in this matter. Are there any motions before we begin?" The plaintiff's attorney arose and was acknowledged. "We dismiss," Your Honor. "Fine, the S-Class ruling stands," said the judge. Bob Stevens, head of America's Response Syndicate, left the courthouse and faced reporters. "Team France has ended their frivolous lawsuit. I look forward to an exciting America's Cup defense and intend to keep the cup at home. I find it amusing that the French suit aimed at reversing their suit of three years ago that sanctioned S-class space-yachts." Bob took his lawyer to the side after the interview. "I thought this suit would take a month longer, at least."
---Older Opening--- "The Deed of Gift, as amended in 2032, is clear in this matter. This court would have had little difficulty finding for the defendant in this frivolous suit, but as the plaintiff has come to his senses and withdrawn the suit, the precedent S-Class ruling stands." "Yes!" said Bob Stevens, head of the America's Response Syndicate, as he faced reporters outside the courthouse. "The court has spoken for us. I look forward to an exciting America's Cup defense and intend to keep the cup at home. I find it amusing that the French suit aimed at overturning their own rule that lead to S-class space-yachts." Bob took his lawyer to the side after the interview. "I thought this suit would take a month longer, at least."
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 22, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 24, 2008).]
posted
Humm.. I'll try to ignore the lawyer part of me and try not be overly technical about a "Deed of Gift" meaning a way to transfer real property and trying to figure out how that relates to space yachts and the America's cup. The court "scene" doesn't ring true. If Plaintiff is dismissing the suit, it's unlikely the judge would be having a hearing to rule and he wouldn't say the "precedent S-Class ruling stands" because it would. Also, I can't ignore the "frivolous suit" bit. Judges just don't say that as a throw away comment and certainly not in a highly public case unless sanctions are at issue. Even the "Pants suit" judge didn't start using Frivilous until he sanctioned the plaintiff. * Shudders * Okay, taking off lawyer hat.
The Bob/lawyer line was what hooked me. It's the sense of he won but somehow didn't. I so understand that. Now I'm wondering why.
my take:
quote: The Deed of Gift, as amended in 2032, is clear in this matter. Nice opening line. I know there's a dispute and this sounds like the judge is about to rule This court would have had little difficulty finding for the defendant in this frivolous suit, but as the plaintiff has come to his senses and withdrawn the suit, the precedent S-Class ruling stands."
"Yes!" said Bob Stevens Amid dirty looks from the marshall and his attorney , head of the America's Response Syndicate, as he faced reporters outside the courthouse Wait, we're outside now? Hu? . "The court has spoken for us. I look forward to an exciting America's Cup defense and intend to keep the cup at home. I find it amusing that the French suit aimed at overturning their own rule that lead to S-class space-yachts Hu? "
Bob took his lawyer to the side after the interview. time jump, again? Really? "I thought this suit would take a month longer, at least." Nice line!
The three mini time jumps are confusing. Could you have the Judge on the bench about to rule and have the Plaintiff's attorney say "We non-suit" (the Virginia way of dismissing a claim without prejudice) or "we dismiss". Then, Bob can turn to the lawyer and say "I thought this suit would take a month longer" since that seems to be the real jump off point for the story?
posted
Thanks, K_F. The Deed of Gift was what transferred the cup, which became the America's Cup, from a British yachting club to the New York Yachting Club in the 1850s, after perhaps the first of its kind challenge match race for sailing ships.
I'm lucky to have had a lawyerly look at the opening since lawsuits play a large part of this little story. (They've been a plague on the recent America's Cup challenges.) I've moved the race into near-space, but the yacht clubs still sue the pants off each other. Now if I can find someone who knows about sailing....
Good points, all, especially the confusing re-locations of the characters.
quote:I find it amusing that the French suit aimed at reversing their suit of three years ago that sanctioned S-class space-yachts."
This doesn't quite make sense.
I liked the rest of your 13. Possibly reword that second part to be a little less "legaleese" - I picture this guy as being somewhat of a PR man/sailor (not sure) spinning this smoothly like a politician would.
This story sounds interesting. I'm assuming you are going to have the vessels using solar or ionic sails. I have sailed 3 or 4 times, but I am definitely not knowledgable enough to give any advice. I might know someone who could, but I would expect sailing in space would be somewhat different.
posted
If the hook is that they're futuristic space yachts, for me it's lost in the legalese which, in the first version, I skimmed. Skimming, I missed the critical word "space" entirely (I take in nouns and verbs when I skim and skip adjectives and adverbs) and would not have read on because I'm not a sailor and legal arguments about the America's Cup aren't of interest to me. I suspect I'd do the same with the second.
I would read on if I realized this was a story of racing space yachts--but not if it's a story of legal disputes.
Hope this helps, Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited October 23, 2008).]
posted
You lose me with the legalese at the start. It seems that you zip so fast from being in the courtroom to the news conference outside that maybe you should start with the news conference. Kill the first three lines. Starting with "Bob Stevens ..." would hook me much better, and it'd be easy for you to work the information of the first three lines into what Bob says to the reporters.
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posted
I'm a law school graduate too (yeah!) but I'll steer clear of the legalize except to say that it doesn't seem like the most compelling way to start the story unless you can tie it more directly to the far more exciting notion of space yachting. Maybe start with a phone call outside the courthouse. This is the kind of thing I mean:
"Ted? Bob here. The French caved. Yeah, no, I have no idea. They just dropped it. Yeah, the whole thing, gone. Judge just dismissed it. Look, look, don't worry about the legal crap--that's what we have a lawyer for. The point is we won, the new sail design is in, and I need you to get 4 million square meters of solarfibre to HEO in two days for the trials or none of this is going to make a damn's worth of difference. Yeah, I'm heading out there now to catch the night shuttle. Right, see you on the moon. Oh, and Ted, we're going to win this frickin' thing!"
[This message has been edited by ereitman (edited October 23, 2008).]
I'm with everyone else. Cut the legalese and I like Jennifer's solution of starting with the news conference (though this can be a dangerous info-dump). Actually, why not start with the race if that's your source of conflict (with the proviso that I obviously don't know where the story is going at this stage)? The fact that it's the America's Cup (with all the associated history) can be woven through the story later. Get straight to the tension.
posted
thanks much for all the helpful comments. They're much appreciated. I've added yet another opening *in the first post*.
Rant: American law can be enthralling (Ten Angry Men) and amusing (Legally Blonde). The America's Cup has been plagued with the amusing variety, lately. The result of a lawsuit can lead to a race between completely different craft that have no business being in the same race. Top-level match race sailing is the business of very well-heeled and -keeled people who do not fear lawyers; they think of lawyers as tools like a farmer thinks of a hoe hanging on the wall. Nevertheless, the legal aspect of the race is only part of the story, and the source of a bizarre ending.
Edited to clear up where the newest post is (first post).
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 24, 2008).]
*Edit* I originally thought your "rant" was a new part of an opening. I think the newest opening is much more effective, but I'll still leave the below as a suggestion.
My question is, how much do we need to know the history of the America's cup for this story to work? Good stories often have a lot of stuff that the author knows but which the reader never learns. If you can show us the ridiculous legal battles as a backdrop between the problems your characters face, I think the story is going to be much more effective.
Regards,
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited October 24, 2008).]
posted
Having neither a competitive yacht nor a law degree, I'll take a back seat to the experts, but it seems like the amount of info you need to sump is directly, if inversely related to the existing knowledge base of the audience you're pitching the story to. See, I do have a degree in B.S. Happy Friday, Wouldbe!
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posted
I actually preferred your original opening sentence - here is my suggestion:
"The Deed of Gift, as amended in 2032, seems clear in this matter. The S-Class ruling stands. Case dismissed."
Now I know there has been a court hearing, and it's not too complicated. Then jump into them leaving the courthouse.
Question: Who exactly is Bob Stevens? - a competitive sailer, a politician, a sponsor, all of the above? - His response to the reporters seems awkward. Could he start by saying, "Team France is playing petty politics...", then give a brief reason why the lawsuit was frivolous, and end with him complaining to his lawyer that he's not ready?
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited October 24, 2008).]
posted
Thanks for all the feedback. If anyone wants to read it, it is a mere 2700 words, cheap at twice the price. It's written in the Vulcan language...no, that's my Star Trek fan fic. It is in English (depending on who you ask).
posted
I'd be willing to take a look at it. I have a couple of overdue projects, so it might be next week if that's OK.
I didn't realize there was a Vulcan dictionary/lexicon available - I had a friend who learned Klingon about 15 years ago, but there wasn't anything for people who wanted to learn Vulcan. My, how things have changed.
posted
I've missed all the discussion on this, so I'll just skip straight to the newest version.
I shall also be petty and point at the 'Bob took took no questions' .
I only had one problem (and I suspect it is just me being stupid): what do you mean by 'suit'?
'"I thank Team France for their suit that defined S-class space-yachts five years ago...' - right, so it's some kind of space-suit that they use in the racing. 'I find it amusing that the present French suit aimed at overturning their own ruling after they got their aft-quarters kicked in space."' - erm, ok, 'suit' means 'team'? 'Bob took took no questions and cornered his lawyer. "I thought this suit would take a month longer, at least."' - no, a lawsuit then. '"Okay, thank you so bloody much for giving the French time to finish their under-the-cover mods but not mine.' - ... maybe it was a spacesuit after all.
As I say, it's probably just me having that problem, but I thought I'd write it down just in case.
posted
Hello bluephoenix, maybe this is an across-the-pond thing. Thanks for pointing it out. By 'suit' I mean 'lawsuit'. If I filed a suit, I didn't put my pants and coat in a metal drawer .
Under-the-cover mods: secret modifications. (Both teams are making changes to their approved spacecraft while the lawsuit is awaiting final action. In the story, the French Team filed their pants in a drawer...no, filed a lawsuit in order to delay the race while they worked on their spacecraft.)
I'll just change 'suit' to 'lawsuit' for safety purposes.
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The court "scene" doesn't ring true. If Plaintiff is dismissing the suit, it's unlikely the judge would be having a hearing to rule and he wouldn't say the "precedent S-Class ruling stands" because it would. Also, I can't ignore the "frivolous suit" bit. Judges just don't say that as a throw away comment and certainly not in a highly public case unless sanctions are at issue. Even the "Pants suit" judge didn't start using Frivilous until he sanctioned the plaintiff. * Shudders * Okay, taking off lawyer hat. 
Happy Friday, Wouldbe!
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