posted
Here's my first draft of the first lines of a fantasy story I am working on about a mapmaker's apprentice. I need help in fleshing this out and I look forward to your comments. Thanks.
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Though most people mistook one for the other, map-making was very different from map copying. Map-making was an adventurous undertaking requiring the cleverness of the greatest spies, the wiles of the best troubadours, master skills to cajole and piece together from words the shape of the earth and give them form on parchment. Map copying, on the other hand, was sheer drudgery, requiring only an eye for detail and a steady hand. Chase had thought that apprenticeship to Master Albion would be the surest way out of Bedlam but instead he had become indentured to dusty maps in a dingy and musty basement. His fingers were always stained black by the many colored sulfur inks and he was plagued by the constant smell of rotten eggs.
posted
I think you have a fine beginning. Your map maker conceit is interesting, in fact almost Xanthian. The name Chase is almost tongue-in-cheek and I can think of some who will look down on this, but I enjoy these things. If there is one thing I question, it is a basement of parchments being dingy and musty. Dusty--sure. Dry, a must! But musty? That doesn't seem a good way to keep your parchments in order.
posted
I like the idea, but it's starting a little impersonal for me. Consider starting with the sentence about chase, then give us the details (and attitude) about map-making.
quote:Chase had thought that apprenticeship to Master Albion would be the surest way out of Bedlam but instead he had become indentured to dusty maps in a dingy and musty basement. His fingers were always stained black by the many colored sulfur inks and he was plagued by the constant smell of rotten eggs. Map-making was very different from map copying. Map-making was an adventurous undertaking requiring the cleverness of the greatest spies, the wiles of the best troubadours, master skills to cajole and piece together from words the shape of the earth and give them form on parchment. Map copying, on the other hand, required only an eye for detail and a steady hand, the sheer drudgery Chase was now trapped by.
posted
Thanks everyone for your comments! I decided to put the advice given into practice and revised the opening lines. Hopefully it's an improvement
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Bottles of sulfurous inks huddled on the far corner of Chase's desk as he sharpened his quill. He thought his apprenticeship to Master Albion would be the surest way out of Bedlam. Instead, he had become indentured to ink stained fingers and their constant smell of rotten eggs. Map-making was supposed to be an adventurous undertaking requiring the cleverness of the greatest spies, the wiles of the best troubadours, the master skills to cajole and piece together from words the shape of the earth and give them form on parchment. Map copying, on the other hand, was sheer drudgery, requiring only an eye for detail and a steady hand. As he put quill to parchment, the ink spilled out like blood from an open wound.
[This message has been edited by redux (edited October 04, 2010).]
posted
The revision is much better. It's always better to open with character and action, rather than exposition.
However, do bottles "huddle?" My first impression was of bottles that were literally moving together. In speculative fiction, they might. You never know.
posted
I actually like both of these versions, but I am leaning toward the second. I agree in the first it begins a little formal - I was going to recommend you opinionate the opening a little more, but what you've done is equally as effective.
I actually like the use of personification; however, I have found that many speculative readers often take these things very literally - I try to only use it when it can't be misunderstood.
It is interesting what Jennifer says about MC and action, because there has been an increasing occurrence of stories that use something else as an opening. Statistically, only about 20% of professionally published stories start with the MC's name within the first 7-8 words.
quote:...the master skills to cajole and piece together from words the shape of the earth and give them form on parchment.
This was the only thing that tripped me up. I'm not sure if there is missing punctuation, but it is difficult for me to read and make sense of it. Otherwise, I very much enjoyed it - and your writing style would make me want to continue reading.
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posted
My opinion on the best way to start a story is just that: my opinion. I would much rather jump into the action right away, rather than spend several sentences wading through what usually strikes me as background information. Those 20 percent that start with action and character are the ones I'm more likely to read all the way through; the others, not so much.
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posted
Just for clarification, I wasn't being critical of Jennifer's advice - just offering an alternative viewpoint. Posts: 2003 | Registered: Jul 2008
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