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Hello, Thank you for your previous feedback. It was very helpful. I hope I've taken care of some of the issues addressed. If the POV is still difficult, please let me know and I'll attempt drastic overhauls.
Everyone stopped, ears alert but faces slack. The wind howled around the house, though it could not mask the sound of doom approaching via tank tread. “They’ve come,” I said, meeting Charlie’s grey eyes. My words spurred him to action. He came around the table and seized my hand. Turning, he pulled me towards the east hall. “Maddy, come with me. James, take the children upstairs but keep them away from the windows. Start getting bags together then pick a room and stay in it,” he said over his shoulder. “I can help,” James said, standing up at the kitchen table. The plates of pancakes and sausages shook with his sudden movement. “No. You can’t. Go with the others. If things go wrong…” Charlie didn’t need to finish. We all knew what would happen if the Loyalists got through the front door.
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I agree, much better! I like the detail about the pancakes and sausages. POV is now clear, and we've got a name and gender for the POV character, too.
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posted
FYI, if you make more changes, just use the edit feature above each post (the pencil and paper symbol). Don't erase your first post, just add VERSION 2 (or something like that) and post your updated opening underneath it.
This is much better. A few nits:
quote:The wind howled around the house, though it could not mask the sound of doom approaching via tank tread.
This feels unnecessarily wordy - consider "...the sound of approaching tanks."
There is a small sequence problem with your third paragraph. It appears as if Charlie is already pulling Maddy (POV character) along when he says, "Maddy, come with me." I would suggest separating this sentence from the rest of the dialogue by putting it directly after the "My words..." sentence. You can use the sentence tags (said) if you want, but they are usually unnecesary as long as you make it clear which character is acting within the paragraph.
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