Okay. Is that last paragraph too ambiguous? Would you keep reading? What are your impressions?

Thanks for the help!

***Edited for a typo, although there are more, but I forgot where they were, which means I'll have to edit it again.***
*** 2 'the's. Corrected now.***
*** Corrected again from my considering the helpful comments of the first guy, whose name escapes me... Inquisiter, maybe? I forgot some of the comments though. I'll edit again. Now its fourteen lines. I cut out a line earlier because it would have taken up too much room, but I put it back in now. It goes to motive.***

PS: Should I edit, or should I reply? It's a little late now, I realize.

quote:

---

Elizabeth watched the [the<--Two web as [it?-->is] trembled. The male spider struggled, of course. Elizabeth knew that he wouldn't just let the female spider eat him after they finished mating. But[,] she hadn't anticipated how hard he would fight.[Why is the spider the focus of the first paragraph? It seems unimportant in the second.]

"Elizabeth." Her mother's trembling voice brought her back to the dirty bus, back to her uncomfortable seat, back to her mother.<--What bus?] Elizabeth looked up at her, [leaving the spider to die.<--Would she have otherwise helped it?]
"Don't worry. Everything will be fine." Eli[z]abeth told her mother[<--End it with a simple tag. If your dialogue moves with the proper flow, we'll get how she says it from the language. And the next bit she be re-formed into a stronger sentence: She glanced at the spider and saw him coevered in a web.]quickly, glancing back at the spider, who was covered with web. Eliabeth felt the spider's gaze on her. [Pleading.<--This from a quick glance at a spider she had left to die?]

Sighing, she grabbed a marble,[Eh? Why?] and as she saw his spirit leave his tiny body,[Huh? When did she acquire this talent?] she invited him into it[<--Huh?], stashing it back into her pocket afterwards.

---

This could be condensed so that you can introduce us to the real story:
Elizabeth sat in an uncomfortable seat, in the back of the dirty bus that her and mother called home (I assume this is why the bus is relevant). She watched a male spider being cocooned by its mate, and felt the poison killing it. She had linked with its emotions. It felt fear.

She dug a clear marble out of her pouch; she would guide his soul into it. She sent out comforting thoughts: Don't worry. Everything will be fine.

A bit more orientation to the scene as IB pointed out would be great though. Just make sure you don't throw that last line past #13. You can trim this a bit and add in the details.

I'd like a bit more sense of her age, how she feels about being interrupted by her mother and the spider's death throes. If she's watching for the moment when he dies, it seems odd that she's dismiss him.

quote:

---

Elizabeth watched the web as it trembled. The male spider struggled, of course. Elizabeth knew that < -- IMHO, you don't need "Elizabeth knew" since this is her POV he wouldn't just let depending on her age, you might want to change the phrase "wouldn't just let" - a 8 year old wouldn't say "meakly surrender" as long as the reference is age appropriate I'd be okay with it but I stumbled over it because I thought she was older than she might be the female spider eat him after they finished you can probably cut "they finished" mating. But she hadn't anticipated how hard he would fight. <-- this makes her seem young. Hasn't she seen something fight for its life before. Why wouldn't it fight hard?

"Elizabeth."

Her mother's trembling voice brought her back to the dirty bus I'm thinking they are in a Greyhound station. Also why wouldn't it tear her away from the death scene more than bring her back? If the spider is important, she should be annoyed that mom is distracting her, back to her mother.

Elizabeth looked up at her <-- "at her" can be cut , leaving the spider to his fate. same questions as IB. She already had decided not to act

"Don't worry. Everything will be fine." Elizabeth said. if she's in a rush to get back to the spider - which seems wrong given your last line, show me that don't tell me by using "quickly" told her mother quickly.

She glanced back at the spider who was covered with web, having felt his pleading gaze even while looking away. Okay I NEED to know this before now.
She sighed why? Wouldn't she be happy to save his soul? She seems happy at the end. , grabbed a marble I need to know that this isn't a "marble" that you'd use to play that game , and as she saw his spirit leave his tiny body, she invited him into it, stashing it back into her pocket afterwards.

Nothing that fought so hard deserved to die.

---

Great last line. As a suggestion, make that line it's own paragraph. Otherwise it is getting lost.

I didn't realize that the lines were slightly larger in the actual post than in this little white box. I thought I overshot it, leaving it at 14 lines. Now I know better. I'm glad, since that last line was important.

I'm so glad that the sense of 'youth' got across. Her age is revealed shortly after these lines (I won't tell you, I want her age-range to be properly inferred), and I thought it would seem forced here. I'll try to make her 'youth' a little clearer, though.

Okay. Now to edit.

_________________________________________________________________

Elizabeth watched the web as it trembled. The male spider struggled, of course. He wouldn't just let the female spider eat him after mating. But she hadn't anticipated how hard he would fight.
"Elizabeth." Her mother's trembling voice brought her back to the dirty bus, back to the trees slowly passing by, back to her mother. Elizabeth looked up, leaving the spider to his fate for the time being. It was her mother after all, even if Elizabeth never stopped feeling his pleading gaze.
"Don't worry, mommy. Everything'll be fine." Elizabeth told her mother quickly. She glanced back at the spider who was covered with web.
She sighed, relunctantly grabbed one of the few marbles she had

_________________________________________________________________

Using the word 'mommy' was a cheap trick, I know. But I want everybody to get a feel for how young she is.

At this point, all I have of the story is a rough (Very rough!) outline, a couple of narrative vignettes, and a small beginning.

But the beginning is really important, since I'll need to be communicating a lot of details in a short period of time, if I've judged this correctly. I already found a couple problems with it (And corrected them, I hope) just by the impressions you guys had. This is the toughest beginning I think I've written. I usually have such an easy time with beginnings, too. Maybe it'll even out and the middle and end will be really easy.

Thanks again for helping.

PS: Should I not have posted if I haven't written the complete story? Sorry. I didn't see any rule against it.

[This message has been edited by LindskoldCardFan (edited June 12, 2007).]

"Mommy" isn't a cheat it's how a young child thinks of her parent and consitent with the POV.

I know NOTHING about spiders, but the idea that they eat each other after mating was a little surprising. Is that true? Be sure to check your facts.

Really nifty bit about catching his soul in a marble. I like the way you had originally written that -

quote:

---

as she saw his spirit leave his tiny body, she invited him into it, stashing it back into her pocket afterwards. Nothing that fought so hard deserved to die.

---

I like the way this is almost rote to her. She sighs, then does this thing that seems simple. Nifty, and IMHO, where the hook is.

I found this line a little cumbersome:

quote:

---

She glanced back at the spider who was covered with web, having felt his pleading gaze even while looking away.

---

I get what you're trying to convey, but the wording of this specific sentence was a little tricky. Perhaps "She glanced back at the spider now covered with web, having felt his pleading gaze." I think you could lose the "even while looking away" and switching "who was" to "now" - that seems to simplify the sentence a bit. Up to you, but wanted to suggest something tangible rather than just point out problems.

In between posting, I read Stephen King's 'On Writing'. Some of what he said really freaked me out (Elements of Style??? SeriouslY?), but some of it really resonated with me. His whole 'Writing with the door closed' first really stuck with me. I've been writing with the door open right now because, quite honestly, I'm new to the boards, and it's like a new toy that I want to use right away. Also, I'm nervous about actually starting. I don't like the idea of having to start over, or correct something after I've already written it. But, that comes with writing, at least for me.

So, as it stands, I'm writing the book now, door closed... Well, researching.

BTW, If anybody needs to research about daily life between 1774-1912 in England, read 'The Period House'. It's amazing. The authors go so far as to list color schemes, common appliances, and what inventions were available, in addition to the pictures and floor plans. It's coming in really handy! Oh yeah, the story doesn't take place in that time period, but there are buildings around built in the time period in the story.

Anyway, with your helpful comments, I'll avoid using trembled twice (Man, I can't believe I missed that.) when I start writing it. :~)

BTW -- KayTi, with most species of orb-spiders, the females eat the males after mating. My character Elizabeth is an absolute bookworm, and, knowing from my own personal experience, the non-fiction books most kids read are about animals. At least, that's what I read.

She doesn't know what 'mating' is, but she knows that if a male spider approaches a female, it is only to mate. And she knows it must be really important to the male spiders, since they're going to be eaten for it and all...

On Writng is an excellent book.

Orson Scott Card has a couple, too -- and they are excellent. Writing Science Fiction and Fantasy and Characters & Viewpoint, give more in-depth, and better examples of what a lot of us critique by.

Plot and Structure by (bestselling suspence author) James Bell, is good too.

Writing the Novel: From Plot to Print; Telling Lies for Fun and Profit; Spider, Spin me a Web; and Write for your Life by (bestselling mystery/suspence author) Lawrence Block are great, too.

Doubtless there will be others recommended.

I have yet to read all of Elements of Style. I stopped in the middle. It was during my 'All writing books are stupid' period, and it may have been an okay book that just got lost in a current of really bad writing books. But, as it is, I really didn't think it was good.

I love the fact that you recommended 'Spider, Spin Me A Web', given the subject matter of the thirteen lines.

quote:

---

But she hadn't antisipated how hard he would fight.

---

quote:

---

LoL - it's really important to males of all species. Sometimes I get my head bitten off.

---