posted
Hello, now that I have stopped driving around Victoria I thought I would put this up, this is the first 13 of my first novel called The Stone of Rebuilding, this will either be Chapter 1 or the Prolouge as I recently scrapped my existing prolouge. Never really thought about what the first 13 lines were, this is just what I happened to write, so let me know if it catches your interest and makes you want to turn the page.
"He sat up in the bed, then shook his head in the hope of clearing it. His thoughts were a jumble, but he knew he was in unknown territory. But it did not mean he was in danger. Australia was a safe country far from the dangers of dictators and injustice, so the fear seemed irrational. Still he did not know where he was. Well it was not the end of the world. A chill ran through him at that thought. He chastised himself for being so irrational. There was of course a logical explanation for everything, now just to think of the basics. His name, Gavin Llewellyn, second son of Walter and Catherine Llewellyn, and the last thing he remembered was… Jarryd pouring his drink into the pot plant at Anna’s New Years"
NB A rewritten first 13 can be found further down.
[This message has been edited by Grant John (edited August 24, 2007).]
posted
This does not seem to be as terse as it could be - needs to be more focused. "But he knew he was in unknown territory." ok but then - "Still he did not know where he was." In these critical 13 lines why are you telling us the same thing twice?
"But it did not mean he was in danger." It would be much better if it DID mean he was in danger. Why let the tension and momentum out of the story? You have to promise danger/conflict or something engaging to keep the reader reading.
"There was of course an explanation for everything, now just to think of the basics." This does not convey much of a sense of urgency or importance. He might just as well be trying to remember when he should have the oil in his car changed.
"Well it was not the end of the world." Ok, maybe not, but what you are implying to the reader here is that this is not a very big concern. Again, you diminish any tension/conflict by telling us this.
"A chill ran through him..." Cliche.
"He chastised himself for being so irrational." Actually, if he was irrational or close to it, the story would be more interesting.
Why do we have to know, in the last few lines, his lineage?
The story seems to start with the last line - but even at that someone awaking to a last memory is a cliche.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited August 13, 2007).]
posted
Thanks for your comments nitewriter. Before I joined this site I never considered the possiblity that someone would judge my book on the first 13 lines, so that has been a big eye opening experience. Since realising this I now know that I have to make my first 13 count, though - as much as I hate to admit it now - my original manuscript started with a couple of paragraphs describing buildings, glad now that I scrapped that.
posted
I agree with nitewriter on some points, but not all. I think having your character doubt whether he's in danger could build tension. The very fact that he's thinking to himself that he's not in danger makes the reader think he IS in danger. It just needs to be a bit more extreme. For example, if someone says "There's no one trying to kill me. I'm perfectly safe. My god, I'm perfectly safe..." you immediately assume someone is actually trying to kill the person. You just need to make your character a little crazier and less calm about everything.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Thankyou for the feedback. The opening of this book has caused me a lot of trouble over the past few years, originally it was cliche on top of cliche (3 in fact) and the novel has started in 4 different places, but this is the best one I think. So here is the new first 13:
“5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Happy New Year,” Gavin closed his eyes and found Elli May’s lips on his own. Jarryd did not close his eyes until Lucy had already found his lips, but then he closed them and kissed her. He tried to put thoughts of Jane from his mind, but then gave up and pretended it was her he was kissing. Toc and his remaining dance partner kissed. Toc savouring his first ever kiss… Screams snapped the kissing couples back to reality. Gavin opened his eyes and realised he could not tell the difference.
This may seem a completely different opening, but it is not actually, but at the moment I just want to know, would you turn the page?
Grant
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 24, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Grant John (edited August 27, 2007).]
posted
An old newspaper thing is: never start a sentence with numerals. If you have to start it with a number, spell them out as words. But usually you can get around it - The crowd chanted with drunken exuberance: Five! Four! have fun!
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
I really cannot tell whose POV we are reading. We get the thoughts of both Gavin and Jarryd, and possibly Toc (I can't tell whether "Toc savouring his first ever kiss" is from Toc's point of view or not). Maybe this is intentional, but it's pretty disorienting.
There's also bit of redundancy here. Two finding of lips (not counting the third at the end), and five uses of the word "kiss".
There is no story question raised or implied. This doesn't work as a character moment to induce me to cozy up to your main character who -- I'm sorry, again, but -- seems to be a jerk. And a common, garden variety kind of jerk.
I think your first idea was better though it was difficult to follow because you seemed to contradict yourself a lot.
posted
Okay, it does catch my attention a bit. I am wondering why he is way over in Australia and what the fear is that made him go there and why he doesn't remember much about what has happened. I don't know if I'm sup supposed to remark on punctuation, but I think there are a couple of places where commas are needed. I thought that when a sentence was started with the word "but" or "still", a comma was needed after them, but I'm not possitive. Chastity
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posted
In my opinion the strongest line in this new 13 is "Screams snapped the kissing couples back to reality." You might consider zeroing in on your MC - so that the screams snap your MC back to reality. We know all are going to be surprised by the screams. This makes it a little more personal and tighter. You might also consider making the above line your first line - then don't let go - maintain and build the tension. This opening is still rather anemic. There is, it seems to me, too much devoted to kissing - make the kissing incidental to the screams and action/conflict or mystery at the heart of your story.
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Hi, Grant, First off, I want to establish that I'm looking at your first 13 from the point of view of a professional, marketable novel. In my opinion, which is only one, the opening doesn't make it. Please don't take offense, or be hurt, because certainly it's never my intention to give offense or cause hurt. I'm handling this exactly as would be done in any serious writer's workshop such as Clarion.
Here's my reasoning regarding your opening: 1. Opening a chapter, let alone a novel, with an unknown speaker, and numbers, smacks a bit of a novice attempt to grab attention. You have a great opportunity for some fast main character development. 2. POV: you have an omniscient POV in this opening, so immediately the reader is confused. You have to immediately establish whose story this is and stick with it. There have been many successful exceptions to this rule, but for what I'm assuming is your first novel, you're wise to stick with this rule. Once you've mastered your art, and have a faithful following of readers, then you can break the rules to your heart's content. In subsequent chapters you can have the POV shift to another character, but for the remainder of that chapter keep your POV tight. I urge you to purchase Card's Characters and Viewpoint, a must have for the novice. It was required reading when I taught creative writing. 3. We seem to have a lot of lost lips wandering around here. :-)Just say: kiss. :-) 4. IMO you could reduce this 13 line opening to fewer, tighter, sharper lines, something like: Just a moment ago Jarryd was delirious with New Year's celebrations, drunk on Lucy's kiss that he pretended was Jane's. His friends, Gavin and Toc, were likewise engaged, Toc for the first time. Then that roar of sound. Then screams. Now darkness as blinding as death.
See where I'm going with that? Right off you establish this is Jarryd's story, he's either mooning over some other girl, or likes to get around, that there's been a distruption. Second sentence implies he's at a party with friends, and implies an age group. Both those first sentences are longer, like a building to a crescendo, which happens with the next triad of short, sharp fragments that echo the tension of the moment. The last fragment ends with the word death, which is a portend, or at the very least establishes jeopardy.
Hope you find this helpful. Regards, Lorina Stephens
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