posted
I don't really need a critique of the query letter yet (this is a first draft that I just wrote). But if you want to critique it, fine. The rest of you, please read the query, the subsequent information, and then answer my question about what genre this story is. Thanks!
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As a five-year-old, Steven watched through the upstairs railing as his mother admitted to his father that she had slept with his best friend. His father beat her to death with a rolling pin and was sentenced to life in prison. Steven was devastated. He was sent to a foster home--only to see another wife cheat on her husband. A fear took seat in his heart. When his first girlfriend slept with him on their second date, that fear drove him over the edge, and he strangled her. After all, if she gave in so easily now, wouldn't she cheat on him later? The police arrest him for murder, but he avoids conviction on a technicality. He's certain he knows his purpose in life, now. He will rid the world of cheating women before they can hurt him. He moves to a new state and starts again--carefully stalking woman after woman.
Lindsay has sworn to follow her Christian principles and refuses to sleep with a man unless she's married to him. She's even waiting until the marriage ceremony to get that first kiss. Then she meets Steven at her church's singles group. After years of being single, Lindsay can't resist the lavish attention Steven pays her--but she does resist ending up in his bed. Despite some lurking misgivings, she's thrilled when Steven proposes marriage to her. But has she changed his heart, or is she about to end up a dead bride?
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The book will alternate chapters between Steven and Lindsay meeting/falling in love and flashbacks to Stevens childhood with Steven's first murder happening in the chapter before their wedding day. Just so you know, Steven does intend to murder Lindsay after their wedding night, but she is alerted to danger when she stumbles across some old love letters in Steven's stuff with a number of different women's names on them. She confronts him about still having them, and he attacks her earlier than he had intended--and she manages to get away. The police arrest Steven and connect the names on the letters to the mysteriously murdered women. Steven is locked away for life for attempting to murder Lindsay and for the previous murders.
This came to me this morning, and it's all so vividly there in my mind that I feel compelled to write it. However, this isn't my normal sort of thing to write. My main problem is that I don't know what genre to call it. It's not really Christian, which would mandate that Steven become a Christian in the end. It's not romance, which would mandate that Steven's heart is changed by Lindsay and that they live a happily-ever-after marriage in the end. The only other fiction books I read are fantasy/sci-fi, which definitely don't fit. Is this a thriller, or what?
posted
yeah, thriller, or Christian thriller--I'm assuming there's such a genre, though I think it would work with a wider genre focus as well of just thriller.
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
It's a safe bet to call it a thriller or suspence novel.
If it was from a detectives PoV too, you could call it a crime drama, but it's not.
As for the critiquing...
If it were a querry letter and not a synopsis or outline, I'd say there's too much description about his mother's murder.
If it wre the summary in a querry letter, I'd suggest trimming it down to the basics:
Stephen Rivers (or whatever his last name may be) watched his father brutally beat his mother to death. His family was gone in an instant, destroyed over infidelity.
The sanctity of foster home he was sent to was destroyed in the same manner. I suggest there's more incidents to solidify his belief that women should die before they're unfaithful, a PoV warping of his perceptions. Then he had his first girlfriend. He had seen her smile and hug another guy, and he knew what she was up to. He would not let that happen. He strangled her.
Lindsay Adams (or whatever her last name is) met Stephen at St. Francis's singles group. He was charming, handsome, and patient. She fell in love with him and readily accepted when he finally proposed.
While organizing the basement, after a year (or whatever) of marriage, she comes across an old trunk she has never seen. It is filled with old love letters and newspapers. Then she notices a trend between the murder victim headlines and the names on the love letters. Will she be the next headline?
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 04, 2007).]
posted
Thriller. Definately a thriller. The tension is whether Lindsay can save herself before his insanity forces him to kill her. You've got me interested. So go write the thing!
posted
Oh. As a thought 5 years old might be too young to remember the murder. I might find an 8 year old (1 year past the age of reason) a bit more credible than a 5 year old.
posted
Whew, for a moment there, kings_falcon, I thought you were going to tell me that you were similarly inspired this morning.
You make a good point about his age, but I picked a five-year old because that's young enough to truly be warped by seeing something traumatic like this. Exactly, it's before he's old enough to reason things through, so infidelity will always be emotionally linked with murder in his mind. I remember things from when I was three- to five-years-old, but they are primarily emotion-related. For example, remember being absolutely determined to climb a tree all by my self so I could follow my brothers. With that strong emotion-memory, I have a very short 'video-clip' like memory of trying to do so. This is what I had in mind. I was tempted to make him a six-year-old, but I think age 5 is the last really strong "moral formation" year. Now I'll have to go look it up.
Hmm, while I have you: If a man is convicted of murder and put in prison while he appeals the ruling, then the ruling is reversed and he's released, do you know if that prison time/case is officially a part of his criminal record? It would be an interesting side-line to my story if it was, but I assume his record would be clear in real life.
posted
Hmm, InarticulateBabbler, I really like your version of my query letter. I don't suppose I can steal the parts of it that actually fit my story?
Posts: 357 | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
you might want to consider Steven being the victim of abuse as well. There is often a link between serial killers and frontal lobe damage. There's plenty of stuff on serial killers on the web; it might help you build up a background for him. If he was abused in such a way that it was pounded into his head that it was the woman's fault, that would provide a more compelling link between his behavior and his past. Unfortunately, many children see their mothers abused, but you need something strong to explain this - stalking and killing women in a premeditated way based on his perception that they are immoral is significantly deviant.
Hannibal Rising, i thought was interesting, because Hannibal has become such a popular character. The author was attempting to go back and create a childhood traumatic enough to produce a monster and still make him someone people would sympathize with. He did a pretty good job.
posted
Ok, Co-Writer and I read your post together. We agree what it's a thriller, and we also like InarticulateBabbler's revision of your query letter.
Just because the female lead is Christian doesn't really make it a Christian genre in any way, in our opinion. As you say yourself, the killer would need to become a Christian, or there would need to be some other Christian aspect to the story.
But it sounds like it would be a really suspenseful T.V. show, lots of cinematic possibilities.
posted
So far no thriller inspirations on my end. Have at it.
To answer your question: Maybe if he takes action to delete it.
The conviction and reversal should show up on his NCIC (Federal criminal record check) report and the case file at court. I'm not 100% sure if it will show up on private record check. He can, however, move to have that record expunged. If the Governer grants that request all records of it will be deleted.
Also, if he was a minor and the case was not raised to an "adult" charge, the juv. record would be sealed. So, all that should show was that he had a sealed juvenile conviction. Again, the Federal and most state data bases that are used only by law enforcement will show the basis for the juvenile conviction but not the public records.
If you want to know the expungement process, I'll ask the hubby since he recently filed a petition for expungement.