posted
Well, here's an intro (sort of) to a story I'm writing by the above name. Tell me what you think of it, please. Oh, and corrections are welcomed.
Had it all been a dream? Had I snapped then, and been driven into a world of my own making? Had I imagined everyone, everything? Had I, in a brief fit of insanity and depression, fallen into oblivion? If so, was I still in that make-believe world, in my own dreams, in my imagined fantasyland? Honestly, I don’t see how that would be possible. I don’t think I could have thought up someone as contradictory, as matriarchal, and as, quite frankly, powerful as Manil Sabraias. Nor could I have imagined someone like Hamri Wolf, the kindly doctor that also happened to be a very good teacher for me when my hopes were at their lowest. Artemis da’Merera would be pretty hard to fake, too. I most likely couldn’t have concocted a certain Sir Enokos Mordeth, a rival at first,
posted
By posting this much of your story, you may have jeopardized your ability to sell it. Please read the instructions on how to solicit feedback for your story posted on the thread Please Read Here First. You can also read the fine print under the header of this forum for more info.
As you can see from checking out other posts, the rule around here is to post only the first 13 lines--this preserves your piece for future publication. People will comment on the first 13, and will ask to see the entire story if they are interested. Again, I suggest you go back and read in full the instructions
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited February 26, 2008).]
posted
Now that She who must be obeyed has chopped this down to thirteen, I will say that awaking from a dream is cliche. It is also not a good idea to open with five questions. I can't detect really what the story is about from the intro. As it is, there is only confusion.
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posted
After reading my previous post, I realized that I didn't offer anything constructive. That was poor form on my part. I would focus on introducing the MC and as much of the story or conflict as possible. Introducing so many names is confusing in the first paragragh. If that is a thought that is important to the plot, try expanding on one of the introductions.
I hope my slip didn't leave you with a bad taste. I should have been more helpful.
posted
This was a little too confusing to me. The series of questions in the opening paragraph didn't work for me. You're asking "what happened?" The problem is, I don't know. I don't even know why I need to ask what happened. Without context, the questions have little meaning. What is at stake here?
The second paragraph gives us a little more grounding, but now I'm given names again, without any context. So, I'm not sure what to make of their names, either.
posted
Hello. Whether this is a dream or a state of confusion about where/when the main character (MC) is, this opening is used very frequently. A flashback would be a little better, but starting at the beginning and drawing the reader in immediately with something juicy is a better way to go, than listing the cast of characters (except the MC, who is still anonymous).
You could probably start nearly all novels with this same opening, changing only the character names and relationship to the main character. That can't be good.
Had it all been a dream? Had I snapped then, and been driven into a world of my own making? Had I imagined everyone, everything? Had I, in a brief fit of insanity and depression, fallen into oblivion? If so, was I still in that make-believe world, in my own dreams, in my imagined fantasyland? Honestly, I don’t see how that would be possible. I don’t think I could have thought up someone as contradictory, as metrosexual, and as, quite frankly, powerful as Foster. Nor could I have imagined someone like Jubal Harshaw, the kindly doctor that also happened to be a very good teacher for me when my hopes were at their lowest. Jill would be pretty hard to fake, too. I most likely couldn’t have concocted a certain Reverend Digby, a rival at first, [MC: Michael Valentine Smith, Stanger in a Strange Land]
Good luck with it.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited February 28, 2008).]
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