posted
Haven't posted in a while -- nice to be back. This is a very rough first thirteen (and the most amusing title that came to mind... who knows, it could stick). I'm curious as to what people think -- thanks for any and all criticism (or praise... but particularly crits
Erica was cold, wet, and tired. Tired she didn’t mind. It was normal; it was expected. Hiking seventeen miles in a day did that to a girl, particularly as the trail went higher and higher up the slope to the plateau ahead. After a while, the gentle tug of fatigue at every footfall on the grimy, ill-kept path started to feel familiar. Her aching feet reminded her that she was alive. Come to think of it, there had scarcely been a time in her life when she hadn’t felt tired. Wet was a feeling she hated. She’d been on the road for three weeks and had one sunny day, most of which she’d been in a forest. Cold was worst of all. Cold made the wind bite through her leathers; it made the rain her enemy. Cold could be deadly if she didn’t keep her wits about her. Cold, wet, and tired. The life of a traveler.
posted
Welcome back! First, I'd like to say I enjoyed it, and if there was more I would read it for fun. It really got me inside this characters head.
A few comments and criticisms:
quote:...ill-kept path started to feel familiar.
This part here bugged me a little bit. "Started to feel familiar" seems a bit awkward to me. Perhaps a change in wording? Could be personal preference.
quote:Her aching feet reminded her that she was alive. Come to think of it, there had scarcely been a time in her life when she hadn’t felt tired.
I like this. It gives me some real insight into the character. She sounds like a girl who likes to keep busy, keep on the move. Who likes a challenge. If thats the intention, then you expressed it well.
quote:Wet was a feeling she hated. She’d been on the road for three weeks and had one sunny day, most of which she’d been in a forest.
I feel this doesn't quite work. Because the description of the tired was so long, I'd forgotten that there were three items (Tired, wet, cold). Furthermore, unlike the tired portion, I didn't feel it added much to the story. Save for the fact that she'd been on the road for three weeks.
quote:Cold was worst of all. Cold made the wind bite through her leathers; it made the rain her enemy. Cold could be deadly if she didn’t keep her wits about her.
Again, because the Tired description was long, these other two descriptions really pull me out of the story. Make me realize I'm reading something, rather than vicariously experiencing it.
All in all, fun to read. Keep at it. Glad to see you back.
posted
Thanks for your feedback. It seems I hit the nail on the head as far as characterizing the girl -- that is very much the impression I wanted to leave of her.
As far as the style that didn't seem to work, I was going for the structure of "Erica was cold, wet, and tired. Tired, blah blah blah. Wet, blah blah. Cold, blah." That structure felt neat as I was thinking about it, but it failed to come out in the paragraph. I suppose the device I was trying was that Tired, Wet, and Cold were almost like three characters she had been living with for a while, and she liked the first, hated the second, and feared the third. Felt like it would make for a good 13.
Should I give up on the structure attempt? I think the fundamentals of Erica's character stood out properly.
[This message has been edited by micmcd (edited January 27, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by micmcd (edited January 27, 2009).]
The problem with the structure, I feel, is that its just too long to really work.
If it were something like:
"Tired, from the long hike. Wet, from the rain. And cold, from the winds."
It would be OK. Because its short, I don't lose sight that there were other other conditions, besides the tired.
Of course, if you do that, you lose out on all of that characterization. And even then, I don't feel it would be getting the point that you were going for, across.
See what others say. It could just be my own personal preference, I don't know. But, for me, it would read better without the "A, B, C -- A Description, B description, C description" type of thing.
posted
It's an interesting play with structure. I quite like the idea, but found that - as an opening - it didn't really work for me.
I avoided reading the rest of the thread before reading the snippet, so somewhere between "Wet was a feeling" and "Cold was worst" I suspected what you were doing, finding myself drawn back to the first sentence for a re-read before being able to continue.
While I really like the idea, I think the opportunity for structure in a novel happens at a much broader (and hopefully invisible to the reader) level. Smaller scale structure like this seems more indicative of poetry and, as when I noticed it and went back to read the opening sentence, the reader is pulled out of immersion by recognition of the writing, it is probably counterproductive.
Where it might work is on a much larger scale - perhaps the novel opens with her being cold, wet and tired, and ends with the same thing. I don't really know the best answer, but I do know it's disappointing to cut something you like. At least having the larger work benefit from the cut is a nice trade
posted
w/o reading what others have said I think if you said :tired, wet, and cold and then described them in the same chronological order saving the more dangerous for last////It would work for me
quote:Erica was tired, wet, and cold. Tired she didn’t mind. It was normal; it was expected. Hiking seventeen miles in a day did that to a girl, particularly as the trail went higher and higher up the slope to the plateau ahead. After a while, the gentle tug of fatigue at every footfall on the grimy, ill-kept path started to feel familiar. Her aching feet reminded her that she was alive. Come to think of it, there had scarcely been a time in her life when she hadn’t felt tired. Wet was a feeling she hated. She’d been on the road for three weeks and had one sunny day, most of which she’d been in a forest. Cold was worst of all. Cold made the wind bite through her leathers; it made the rain her enemy. Cold could be deadly if she didn’t keep her wits about her. Tired,wet, and cold. The life of a traveler.
[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 27, 2009).]
posted
I liked all of it except the last two sentences. (Cold, wet, and tired. The life of a traveler. ) They drove the point home too hard for my taste, a bit irritating. I think you could get away with the three-part writing structure if you just lose those last sentences.
Come to think of it, there had scarcely been a time in her life when she hadn’t felt tired. I got a different impression from this - not of a woman who kept active and liked challenge, but one who was careworn before her time. The people I know who say/think things like this IRL, use it to mean more of a negative thing, a burden.
She’d been on the road for three weeks and had one sunny day, most of which she’d been in a forest. Liked this bit because it gave me a sense of place. It also reinforced the hard luck perception of her character.
Cold made the wind bite through her leathers; it made the rain her enemy. Nice.
[This message has been edited by Pyraxis (edited January 29, 2009).]
quote: Erica was cold, wet, and tired. Tired she didn’t mind. It was normal; it was expected.
I would change that to: Erica was cold, wet and tired; tired she didn't mind, it normal. Expected even. (or "even expected"). I think this would read smoother.
quote:
Hiking seventeen miles in a day did that to a girl, particularly as the trail went higher and higher up the slope to the plateau ahead.
Maybe it's just me, but I didn't think hiking made people cold and wet. I thought that was wind and rain, and that can happen in the back yard or at the park. I would change that sentence to this: She continued on her path, stepping slowly as the trail sloped higher. (something to that effect).
quote: After a while, the gentle tug of fatigue at every footfall on the grimy, ill-kept path started to feel familiar. Her aching feet reminded her that she was alive. Come to think of it, there had scarcely been a time in her life when she hadn’t felt tired.
This I would do as something like: Fatigue consumed her. Each step sent a shooting pain through her swollen feet reminding her that she was alive and making her wish she weren't.
quote: Wet was a feeling she hated. She’d been on the road for three weeks and had one sunny day, most of which she’d been in a forest. Cold was worst of all. Cold made the wind bite through her leathers; it made the rain her enemy. Cold could be deadly if she didn’t keep her wits about her. Cold, wet, and tired. The life of a traveler.
I'd consider completely revamping this. This is just my personal preference, but for me, there's WAY too much complaining, but it's not even from the character's POV. When I finished I was sort of wishing Erica would roll 17 miles down the mountain, just to have some action Ok, not really, but you get the idea. There's nothing here that pulls me in. She's walking and whining. I think this would be a put off for a lot of readers. Try re-writing this with more emphasis on the character and have her do something and REACT to it. Everything here seems so passive. She's wet, cold, and tired. But she doesn't dry off, start a fire, or rest. So why is she moving? Hopefully this will spark something for you. Good luck.
Posts: 135 | Registered: Feb 2008
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
