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Jeremiah stood, staring out the window before him. It was not a pleasant sight to see through the open space, but then again, was Jerusalem a pleasant place to see at all any more? The street beside his small house was bustling with activity. A stream of people flowed in both ways down the broad street, an occasional ox-pulled cart rolling through the crowd. Jeremiah spotted a beggar on the street corner, crying out for the passerby to show mercy and drop a coin at his feet. Jeremiah watched the beggar for a while. The man's ragged clothes must not have been washed in months, the man's body was in the same condition. He was far from handsome, with his gap-toothed smile adnd hair that resembled an untidy bird's nest. Suddenly, several boys pushed through the crowd and began kicking the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 09, 2009).]
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Hi, I think doing a story from the Old testament sounds like a neat idea.
Here's my comments.
The first half of the second sentence is too vague. "It was not a pleasant sight to see through the open space," I think it's actually too wordy, "It was not a pleasant sight," is more concise and easier to understand. The rest is just a detailed description of Jerusalem and I was left wondering why I'm being shown all this. I would skip to the beggar since that seems to be the focus of action.
I like how he comments on what he sees in the second sentence, "but then again, was Jerusalem a pleasant place to see at all any more?" It gives us some insight into who Jeremiah is and what he thinks.
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