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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Natural Police - Chapter 6: Sight

   
Author Topic: Natural Police - Chapter 6: Sight
Denevius
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Nathaniel didn’t want to see anymore. The morning had passed into noon, and he lay in his new apartment in the same building, Mirian House. His new job at the Foreign Language Institute had worked that out for him even though he’d shown a complete lack of interest at remaining in Mirian House.
“For your convenience,” the headmaster, a distant friend of his father’s, had insisted. Nathaniel saw the way the man looked at him, oozing concern, and he relented.
Now, Nathaniel closed his eyes, but it was useless. He’d slept two hours the entire night, and knew he wouldn’t get in any more. Plus, he had to get up soon for his first class at 2:00.

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Denevius
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If anyone is interested in swapping about a hundred pages, or up to 30000 words, of material, I'm game. I've had people read chapters of this out of order, but am always looking for someone to read the entire thing through to see about narrative continuity.
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wetwilly
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I'm game. E-mail me what you've got and I'll send you mine.
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Denevius
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Nathaniel didn’t want to see anymore. The morning had passed into noon, and he lay in his new apartment in the same building, Mirian House. His new job at the Foreign Language Institute had worked that out for him despite his complete lack of interest at remaining there.
“For your convenience,” the headmaster, a distant friend of his father’s, had insisted. Nathaniel saw the way the man looked at him, oozing concern, and he relented. He had, after all, recently had a bad dream. A nightmare? Nathaniel gritted his teeth, then sighed in defeat. A nervous breakdown? A freak out that’d left a window broken on the bus and the public school system releasing him early from his contract. He’d been prepared to return back to America. “Korea is too much for me, oppa,” he’d told his father, who grunted.

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wetwilly
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Now that is an interesting start. I'm reading on to find out about this freak out on the bus.

My only nit: "He had, after all, recently had a bad dream." I didn't know if "he" was Nathaniel of the headmaster in this sentence until I read the rest of it. My initial encounter with this sentence was confusing, though.

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Denevius
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Thanks, but actually, I decided to go with the opening below for Chapter 6.
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Denevius
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A hand reached out and touched Nathaniel’s face. He repressed a shudder, of lust or revulsion, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps neither; perhaps both. The hand, small with delicate fingers, played along his brow, traced the tips of its fingers down his cheek to his chin.
The owner giggled. “So sexy,” Na Soe Ha breathed out in a raspy voice, and snuggled closer to Nathaniel, pressing his small tits and larger penis against his side.
Nathaniel closed his eyes. The morning had passed into noon, and he’d been lying in bed as Soe Ha slept beside him.

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Pygmalion 79
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I was interested in finding out what was next, but also had a few concerns -- some of which have to do with this being out of order. The first sentence is confusing. Is Nathaniel wishing not to see or not to see any more of something? I suspect that context answers the question, but it was on my mind. In a sci-fi story one might be especially tempted to think it was the former. "Same building" also obviously needs context. That made it hard to get started.

As for the rest, I didn't like "oozing concern." Seems overused. I also agree that I don't know who the "he" is who had the bad dream quickly enough. In the second bit, I would drop "Perhaps neither; perhaps both."

Is Soe Ha supposed to be partially transgender? The combination of characteristics suggests this, though it isn't strictly entailed by what you say.

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Denevius
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Hey, thanks for reading. It does get confusing out of order. To answer your questions, he's wishing not to see any more of visions he's having. I actually changed that opening sentence because it was vague, and started off on a different note in the last opening with Soe Ha, which is more concrete.

'Same building' is an apartment building he was trying to get out of, mostly to avoid Soe Ha, who is transgender. That's a bit more explained in a previous chapter, but I think it's a better opening focus than the visions aspect. The chapter is still about Nathaniel seeing too much when he doesn't want to, and not seeing enough when it's actually important.

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