Uncle Orson Reviews 1996 • Uncle Orson Reviews 1996 Favorite Books • Contemporary Issues • Mysteries • History and Culture • Books for Writers Magazine Subscriptions • Magazines that make it a good mail day • On the Downside • Comic Strips Television Picks and Pukes • Favorite Comedies • Favorite Dramas • Favorite Miniseries • Favorite Talk Shows • Favorite Cable Channels • Shows Which Are Much Better Than I Ever Expected • Shows That Are Probably As Good As Ever But I Just Don't Care Anymore • Shows I Once Liked Which Are Hurtling Toward Well-Deserved Death Movies • Regrets and Disappointment • Favorites of the Year • Acting Awards

First of all, let me point out that this is a personal list. I'm not a professional reviewer, so I can't afford the time to see everything that comes out. I also have a life, which means that, like you, I sometimes have to wince in frustration as a movie that I very much wanted to watch comes and goes from the local cinema without my having had a chance to go see it.

In fact, let me begin by listing, in no particular order, just a few of the movies that I wanted to see, but missed (though I may yet see a couple that are still playing.

Matilda
Romeo & Juliet
Phenomenon
Primal Fear
Michael Collins
Courage Under Fire
Muppet Treasure Island
Bogus
The Craft
Shine
The Frighteners

Some of these may be brilliant; some may be awful. I wouldn't know. They won't be on my best or worst list because I didn't see them. But I'll look for them on cable.

There's another group that I didn't see because the promos and buzz about them made it clear that I would rather inspect elephant stool samples for dead insects than watch these films. Here is my list of films that I judged, perhaps unfairly, to be an utter waste of time and therefore chose not to see them.

The Cable Guy
The Island of Dr. Moreau
From Dusk Till Dawn
Striptease (even though I loved Karl Hiassen's novel)
The Mirror Has Two Faces (maybe the mirror has two faces, but in a Streisand movie the camera shows only one)
Bird Cage
Trainspotting

Then there's my list of films I paid good money for and resent it. I won't be reviewing these at length, on the principle that somebody must have liked each film enough to make it, and so my utter loathing for it may simply mean I'm not a member of its natural audience. (Of course, this doesn't mean that I haven't made passing comments about why I hated the film in another context, so if a title is highlighted, you can click on it to see exactly why I'm so puddingheaded as to hate your favorite film of the year.)

Mars Attacks
101 Dalmatians (Note to John Hughes: Of course they hired you to turn this into Home Alone with dogs, but don't you have any pride left at all?)
The English Patient
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (a truly offensive anti-religious tract that was not appropriate for children)
A Kid in King Arthur's Court (kids' movies should have higher standards of logic, not lower ones, and when you're treading in Mark Twain's territory, you ought to at least try to be intelligent)
Mission Impossible (a film cut so drastically to keep the pace up that the plain sense of the plot and the purposes of the characters were lost)
First Wives Club (do we all agree now that men are so hateful and women so wonderful that we don't have to justify either claim in the actual portrayal of the characters within the film?)
Chain Reaction (a bad formula badly followed, which only got made because a good and popular young actor was trying for the real money)
Broken Arrow (see Chain Reaction).

House Arrest

An example of the worst kind of mindless social satire, which tries to make fun of contemporary foibles without actually offending anybody. Wretched writing was matched by one of the worst performances of the year by the young actor narrating the film, and while some mature actors (Jamie Lee Curtis, for instance) tried heroically to put some truth and humor into the movie, it was a doomed effort. Even Tickle Me Elmo couldn't have laughed during this film.

Philadelphia Story.