edit:...actually, one of my secrets is that i KNOW who Raphie is. And he doesn't scare me at all.

I shoot 82% from the line, but have no idea what that means.

I have been waiting my whole life to find just the right moment to use the phrase "Heavens to Mergatroid!"

I "christmas treed" the PSAT, SAT, GRE and MCAT.

I once colored so far outside the lines, I ruined a perfectly good ceiling fan.

I lip-synched backup harmonies for Milli-Vanilli.

I flirted with Danger until her boyfriend showed up.

Are you all for real?

I'm dying to know -

I'm not a big mouth. I stink at pong.

Poly is only clever on the first Tuesday of every month, when Patrick sends her the child support check and she can afford to buy the devil's liquor that she likes so much.

There is an airline "problem customer" policy named after me.

I can't be everywhere at once!

I don't even have a lawn.

...

Says one customer Michelle, a retired barfly and mother of seven, "He seemed like he really knew what he was doing with the computer I won in the case against my [expletive deleted] ex-husband and his [expletive deleted] new wife and all their [expletive deleted] fancy stuff. It seemed it really was posessed by, I dunno. The devil, or maybe Satan, or something. I couldn't get the little [expletive deleted] to stop popping up advertisements of me and my new movie with my step-sister - I don't want my kids seeing that kind of filth up there! Anyway, so Poon comes over and he's all, 'You need to just let me talk to you computer and explain Jesus to it and I will exorcise the demons that dwell therein and force it to sin and be an abomination against God and show you're children the crack-[expletive deleted] that you really are.' Something like that. So, I was like, 'Sure!' and he was like, 'Well, then, leave so I can get to work.' And so I left. Well, twenty minutes later I come back and, well, I don't know what kind of mojo he worked with Jesus but the computer was gone and the TV and the new Firebird I had just bought with these [expletive deleted] playboy decals I had just gotten put on by my boyfriend, Jimmy? That's when I knew something was up."

After this and many more compelling testimonies, Poon was actively hunted and, to this day, avoids the long arm of the law.

Really, I do look like that, but that picture is actually a self-sculpture. Like it?

Also, if I ever run into that "poon" fella, I'll be sure to administer the Emperor's justice to him, too.

I paid full price to see 'Attack of the Clones.'

Ok, More secrets:

Every time that stupid rabbit comes on TV, I want to be a cereal killer. Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids. 55 Caliber, depleted uranium, armor peircing rounds are for rabbits.

I have a problem chewing on nails, especially those of certain super models that I am stalking.

I built the Berlin Wall, but honest, I was just building a patio out back and got carried away.

I should be working now.

I once sat in a tree for 40 days to protest against squirrels.

I'm on the "chronic caller" list of my local psychiatric helpline.

I mentally make air quotes when I tell people that they've done a "good job."

My dog writes all my material.

I have onanism-induced carpal tunnel syndrome.

*nervous laugh*

Just kidding, guys. Of course I've read Card.

I peeked into the medicince cabinet at Cor & Icarus' house when they had us over for a meal.

I have commissioned a Tupperware coffin to be buried in.

The Helvetica Bold font triggers a violent rage in me.

I am a shorter, rounder and less self-motivated version of Abe Lincoln.

I can melt butter with my mind -- it takes awhile, but I can do it.

I have all of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction in my attic crawl space.

The secret identity is Madge.

I firmly believe that all this Clark Kent stuff is nonsence. Superman's secret identity is really Perry White.

I am Bob.

But Bob doesn't know it.

Aliens once came to abduct me. All they did was stand around, point, and giggle.

Their giggles sounded a lot like the Wench's.

I can bend a spoon with my mind. I lay the spoon on the table, and hit it repeatedly with my head.

Bending spoons with your mind gives you headaches. To much mental strain I guess.

quote:

---

I'd like to close my eyes, go numb,
but there's a cold wind coming from
the top of the highest high rise today.
It's not a breeze, 'cause it blows hard,
yes and it wants me to discard
the humanity I know - watch the warmth blow away.

Don't let the world bring you down,
not everyone here is that f***** up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive,
exprience the warmth before you grow cold.

---

I have a camera set up in Dan_raven's bathroom, but I won't tell him where.

Sometimes I like to smell the ends of Q-Tips when I'm done massaging my ears with them.

My famous "Chocolat Surprise" has Friskies in it. Not for flavor, but only because I like to watch people unknowingly tell me how good my Chocolat Friskies is.

I'm am Frisco.

But Frisco doesn't know it.

I feel trapped in a woman's body. Sometimes I get the prostate cramps real hard.

I only married Dan for his tight buns and promising financial prospects.