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"But what does it do?" "Nothing that's the beauty of it."
Yeah, Sara you're right. I would be the one *asking* the question. While my definiton of practicality is probably no one else's I am extremely practical in my own way, and I *hate* not being able to "fix things".
Telpy thanks for the hugs.
Ryuko you would have shuddered if you had seen the curtain rod those curtains came on. But the curtains were washed and disinfected before I gave them to you, so they are safe now.
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Oh, and I'd just like to add that I wish there was something I can do, and just reading the difficulties you have makes me frustrated with them, so you have my respect for handling it so well-I can only imagine at how much deeper the feelings must go to you living them!
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Actually I've been seeing a counsellor, and she asked me what would happen if I said my peice. I remembered this incident with my mother but not in detail... I'm probably going to print this out and give it to her...
If a counselor had asked me that (about my mother), I now know how I would reply: absolutely nothing. She's so deeply rooted in her own delusions, nothing logical can get in.
Posts: 226 | Registered: Mar 2005
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AJ, I wish I could hug you and hang out with you more. My family is much the same way. I just don't talk about my beliefs with them at all. And that hurts, because I've always wanted them to know me for who I am, and to like me. But it's not going to happen. I'm okay with that now, I can accept that. I still respect and love my family. But I know that they will never truly get the chance to love me, because there are things they don't really want to know.
Posts: 3141 | Registered: Apr 2000
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--- Edit: Didn't realize this thread was nearly 6 months old. If it's fixed or something ignore this post. Thx. ---
Advice from me follows:
Sounds like you're locked into a fairly powerful unity of opposites.
A compromise is in order. Your parents are not going to change their lifestyle, and unfortunately their religious beliefs are so interwoven into the fabric of their identities that it is impossible for them not to be hurt that you are not following their path. The hurt is real, but they are also using it to try to manipulate you into doing what they want. That has to be very painful for you. But what you have to understand is that even though it seems like they don't, they love you. They love you more than anything in this world; which is precisely WHY they have this NEED for you to live their way, instead of your way: They are locked into this dogmatic belief that if you don't follow their way, you will be lost. And they don't want to lose you. And they love you so much they are willing to do anything not to lose you, including hurt you with the constant guilt and the barbs and the manipulation. Of course this won't work, but they haven't consciously thought of it as a *plan*. They're doing it without having thought it through to the logical end result: which is that eventually (like, years from now) you will break off all ties with your family to avoid the pain they cause you.
What you have to do is identify some common ground. They are your family, and they want to be part of your life. And you love them, and you want to be part of their lives. That is what you can build upon.
Perhaps you can find the time to visit them soon. If so, take Steve. (This is important.) During this visit, pick your battles. For instance, if you stay with them, they will certainly not want you guys sleeping together. Don't get upset over this. Set it up so Steve gets a little "alone" time with your brother and your Mom and Dad. Whether this is just a trip to the grocery store -- whatever. They all need a chance to form an impression of him. Prepare him for the theological third-degree, but not with negativity. If he is a gentleman, he will treat their beliefs with the respect they deserve. And hopefully he will receive that respect in return.
The ultimate trip of this visit is to come to an agreement with your parents. This cannot happen without conflict; but be wise and understanding and know that their unwavering pig-headedness comes from a place of love. For instance, your Mom was propably crushed, and I mean absolutely devastated, when you told her that you preferred being away from her because you can't get along with her. (This is her interpretation, guaranteed.) The agreement (even if unspoken) you need to get to with your family is this ...
You: Quit pestering me about my lifestyle. I'm not saying I won't ever "come back to God," but if I do, it will be on my own terms in my own time. And if I don't, I need your love anyway. I need you to support my decisions even if you disagree with them. We have some different ideas but you are still my family and I love you. Please make an effort to understand me and appreciate me for what I am, don't guilt-trip me for what I am not.
Them: Don't be afraid of us. We're not saying you have to agree with our beliefs but please respect them and understand that they are part of our lives. Be more forgiving of the mistakes we have made with you. We want you to be more involved with the family. Talk to us. Open up to us. Don't be so shut down and afraid you're going to be hurt when you interact with us. From now on we will focus on the things that make us the same.
Posts: 2267 | Registered: May 2005
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