posted
Greetings from Texas, my fellow Jatraqueros. Bob went to bed and left me turned on.
Today I was just kind of blurbling along and I got to wondering whether it is possible to condition ourselves to have a positive reaction under stress.
We all know that stress brings out the worst in us. When seriously "challenged" by the world around us, we often regress to patterns of behavior learned in childhood. That's why if you really want to know someone, you want to see them under stress.
But as we grow up, we learn better coping mechanism. We learn to manage stressful situations more effectively. And, frankly, less stresses us. One might even say that we learn to order our worlds and ourselves specifically to avoid the stressors that might otherwise cause us to act in ways that we ourselves find unappealing and perhaps a bit childish (or a lot childish).
But still stressors do occur and we do find ourselves acting without thinking. And usually acting badly. Being short with others. Making excuses for ourself. Demanding. Unreasonable. Selfish...
Now, the question is, is it possible to learn ones way out of this? Could it be possible to condition a reaction to stress such that we become NICER? More pleasant? Easier to get along with? More considerate?
If this is possible, how would one go about doing it? Remember, this has to become an automatic response, so telling me that you have to make yourself become MORE AWARE is really not a valid method. Sure, maybe we need to have heightened self-awareness during some sort of "training period" but after that, the habit of responding nicely to stress would have be ingrained and as automatic as any other unthinking response.
Do you know anyone like this? I don't. But it would seem to be kind of an interesting way to live, no?
Okay, I admit it, I'm thinking that if everyone had a Lavalamp, and a long enough extension cord, everyone would would be at least half-way there.
But that's just my solution to everything.
Maybe you have one that would actually work better?
In the meantime, just listen to your inner lava and have a great and stressful day.
quote: Now, the question is, is it possible to learn ones way out of this? Could it be possible to condition a reaction to stress such that we become NICER? More pleasant? Easier to get along with? More considerate?
i hear and read a lot about how to reduce the stress in your life by avoiding the things that cause you stress or by finding some physical way to alleviate the stress (bubble bath, journal, etc.) i say a more effective method is to change the way you react to the things that cause you stress. i don't think it really requires conditioning. just an examination of what causes you stress and a decision not to let those things get to you. it's not always possible to avoid a stressful situation, especially if it's an ongoing thing, and then there is the unexpected. it's so easy to stress over something you weren't prepared for.
first of all, it helps to be more positive. i hate when people tell me that, but it's true. i have found lately that i am surrounded by negative people and that makes me more negative. i don't have to be bubbly and constantly wear a smile, but i can remind myself that just because the world doesn't work the way i think it should, i shouldn't take that out on anyone else, including myself.
second, think about how often choices lead to stress. 'i wish i hadn't done/said that', 'i should have done it this way', 'if i had listened, i wouldn't be in this mess.' don't stop making decisions, but take responsibility for the decisions you make, and as you're making decisions, consider as many possible consequences as time allows. in other words, prepare for the worst. there's a difference between being pessimistic and being ready for things not to turn out as you expected.
i feel a need to include some kind of example. i've heard that money is one of the highest causes of stress. i have no budgeting skills whatsoever. i just finally got to the point that i can just barely afford a place of my own after freeloading off of a couple great friends for eight months. one of the things i tried never to forget while i stayed with them (and wasn't contributing to rent or utilities or food) was that they were doing me a favor and that without them, i would be in a much worse situation. i couldn't give them money, but i could pay my own bills so as not to have to borrow money on top of freeloading, and i could help with the cleaning, errands, the baby, etc. under the circumstances, the stress level was very low. anyway, about the money. i am one who likes to pay bills as i get them or at the very least on time. being broke puts quite a damper on that. i was frustrated, but i recognized the fact that i got myself into the mess (i up and quit my job), and i was responsible for getting myself out. while quitting my job perpetuated my money woes, i would now be in a padded room if i had stayed. also, the approach i now take to bills is somewhere between 'if i pretend they don't exist, they'll go away' and 'i have to make this payment even if it means not eating for a week.' basically, having bills doesn't change the fact that i won't have the money until payday, and i don't see the point in stressing over something i can't do anything about.
i could go on, but i would probably start to contradict myself. as it is, i'm not sure if i made any sense. i think the main point i'm trying to make is that stress is a cycle. our demeanor affects the people around us and vice versa. the less stressed we are, the more pleasant we'll be automatically, and the more pleasant we are to other people the more positive they'll be. i work in customer service. i see it every day.
the last word: stress may seem like one of those things that you can't just 'choose' to change. here comes another personal example. when i was a kid my teeth would randomly clamp down on the inside of my cheek. very painful, especially after several times in a row. i went to my mother (a nurse) for help. she said, 'you just have to tell yourself not to do that.' i thought she was nuts. like i was purposely biting my cheek. well, for the next few days or so, every time i closed my mouth, i made a conscious effort to get my cheek out of the way. never had the problem again until i got wisdom teeth.
i may be as full of crap as i am of words, but this is what works for me, and i'm all about trying to make the world a more pleasant place.
Posts: 1090 | Registered: Oct 2003
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quote: i say a more effective method is to change the way you react to the things that cause you stress.
I agree with that. Another thing that may help is to not let the way OTHERS react cause YOU stress. This is something that I'm trying to teach my mother. *sigh*
It took me a long time to realize that there are many things that are just not in my control. I make choices and I am responsible for these outcomes. However, I am not responsible for the outcomes of the choices of others, or circumstance.
After chronic headaches, many tears and a battered self-esteem, I finally began to realize that my best is all I can do. Sounds pretty basic, but you have no idea how difficult that was for me to accept. Once I did, my life became so much more enjoyable. I do the best I can, the best I know how to do, and then just stand back and see what happens. I know that there's nothing more I could have done, or knew how to do to change the situation. I am no longer in control!! (I also have a strong religious faith that ties into this as well, but that's not the point of this thread. Other thread. )
The next step for me was to realize that I will make mistakes, that I will not always do the best that I can...and that this is ok. I am a better person for what I learn from all those mistakes, and I know, if my mistakes cause others stress or difficulty, they will be taken care of as well. I'm only human.
Sometimes others will react to what we do in negative ways, even if we have acted in the best way we knew how. We have to realize that our actions did not MAKE that person feel the way they do. They CHOSE to feel that way. They have control over how they react to a given situation. As do we. If someone gets angry when you didn't mean for them to, or doesn't accept your apology...that's their choice. We must do all that we feel is right or good, and that's all that can possibly be expected of us.
I promise that all this makes sense in my head, it's just very difficult to articulate. These realizations (as well as others) dramatically changed my life for the better. I'm so much more mellow than I used to be! It's great.
posted
Oh, now you bring out the stress-solutions. The day after I managed to get rid of most of my stress.
Heh. I better note it down for next time, it's bound to be soon! Worrying is the one thing I have down to a perfect art. Posts: 1111 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Same here. Does it seem to you that women worry more than men? Is this an accurate assumption? Are men more laid back in general, or are they just better at not letting their worries affect their daily lives? I know my dad is a big worrier and it's enough at times that it even affects him physically. Is this an unusual case, or are guys and girls pretty much the same when it comes to the stress thing??
Posts: 6415 | Registered: Jul 2000
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posted
IMHO, girls worry more. Girls tend to think more in general - um, think things over, and over, and over, I mean. Not all girls, of course, and some guys are just as bad. Who knows.
Stress is bad. I'm all for getting rid of it! Posts: 1111 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
I really think there's something about an automatic response that inevitably causes it to be a poor one in most social circumstances. Most knee-jerk reactions are, in a sense, selfish--they are biological responses meant to save the individual's life/health/whatever, and by definition they don't consider the well-being of other people.
To act altruistically you _have_ to think things through, because there are thousands of possible reactions and only a few can be beneficial.
Posts: 1041 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
To me, getting everything packed for a trip is the most stressfull situation I've encountered. I didn't even realised that every time we went on a trip, I would get dreadfully stressed the day before. It's only when people repeatedly told me to calm down that I noticed it. So now, knowing what causes me to stress, I just apologize in advance and get things done as quickly as possible.
Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
According to my health teacher stress is "any demand that requires some kind of physical or emotional reajustment" and that there is good stress that creates energy for a task.
Stress is a very primitive survival technique. When the body is asked to deal with a situation it sends more blood to the brain and muscles so that they can work better, faster, pupils widen so you can take in more of your surroundings, the immune system slows and blood flow to skin surface is reduced (so if you get cut it's less likely you'll bleed to death). Apparently short intervals of stress strengthens your immune system but long periods weaken it.
So... now that we have some background info I think that we shouldn't elimenate stress but instead limit our stressors by realizing that there are things that are out of our control. In response to the origional question
quote: Could it be possible to condition a reaction to stress such that we become NICER? More pleasant? Easier to get along with? More considerate?
I think that since stress is a survival technique that this is unlikely; the people like this would have been weeded out of the gene pool when they smiled happily at the sabre-tooth tiger running towards them instead of using their stress-heightened awareness and muscle readiness to fight or run away. Posts: 3420 | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
The best way to deal with stress is to get married and have your spouse give you a shoulder rub. I guess significant others (girlfriends, boyfriends, whatever) would work too, but only if they give good backrubs.
Posts: 1903 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
The problem with the human stress response is that it is no longer adaptive. I mean, sure, when we were running away from saber-toothed tigers or roving bands of other humans, it made sense to have heightened aggression and fear (fight or flight response).
But today we deal with things like how to get the kids to soccer practice across town in 15 minutes, cramming two carry-on bags into a space sufficient for only one, or how to meet a deadline when the boss is sitting playing Solitaire on the computer. In most modern stressful situations aggression and fear are the worst possible responses. They brand us as immature and easily overwhelmed.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
I definitely think it's possible to learn new ways of reacting to stress. My response to stress has changed since I went to seminary. We spent a lot of time in pastoral care class developing the ability to be "a non-anxious presence" for people in stressful situations, and I find that it carries over (to an extent) into my own stressful situations.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Icarus, I'm not doing OK. I'm doing TX, and tomorrow I'm doing IL for 4 days. By the way, I just can't get used to your new screen name. What the heck is a megachirops anyway?
dkw, that's sort of what I'm getting at. I think it's possible to condition oneself to react to OTHER PEOPLE's stress in a calm and rational manner -- sort of a requirement for being a counselor or, like you, a minister of a parish (or two). And, as part of that you have to learn to look beyond verbal attacks to see the source of the person's pain and frustration in order to really help them.
I think the hard part is dealing with our own personal stressors in a calm manner -- with forethought. I've gotten better at this with age, of course, and I've never been one to get bent out of shape over much. (however, I would ask you all to kindly stay off my lawn)
But I find that the things that DO still stress me out trigger an immediate visceral reaction that is very tough to control as it is happening. For example, I hate being lied to by service personnel. I know that they are fed a script by their employers, but I truly do expect people to be honest. When the situation is staring them in the face and they just say "No, that's not true." I just lose it. Well, for me anyway. I don't yell at them or anything, I just let them know that I don't think they are telling the truth and I challenge them on it.
The better response is really to just let it go. I mean, it isn't like they are at liberty to do anything about the problem, usually... I never get angry about the SITUATION, just the lies that inevitably come afterwards about how it's not the company's fault, blah, blah, blah.
dkw, your sister would probably recognize this rant given her job.
Anyway, I've decided to purge this reaction from my repetoire. It never works anyway so why get upset, right? It only gets ME upset anyway.
One less pet peeve to nurture...
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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quote:But still stressors do occur and we do find ourselves acting without thinking. And usually acting badly. Being short with others. Making excuses for ourself. Demanding. Unreasonable. Selfish...
Now, the question is, is it possible to learn ones way out of this? Could it be possible to condition a reaction to stress such that we become NICER? More pleasant? Easier to get along with? More considerate?
I'm sure it's possible. But then you have to consider if it's healthy to quash (hell, reverse) natural reactions like that. Also consider that many people have the legal right, moral obligation, and mandate from Heaven to need recuperation during and after periods of stress. Or consider that people who know the stress-ee want him to recover as much as he needs to, with forcing artificial changes on himself.
Why the hell would anyone want that? If someone I knew were going through a tough period, I'd want them to do what was best for them. Especially if they were to experiment with a creature such as the denial of natural and necessary pain.
Unless that person were to move to Texas. I mean, christ, he's obviously already committing some major, painful penance.
Posts: 3293 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
I enjoy dealing with difficult or slightly incompetant service people. If I have trouble with a service person, I just ask for the spelling of their name and the name of their supervisor. I assure them that they are completely capable of doing something to improve the situation, I use their names frequently and I ask questions until they find some kind of concession. It is a game for me. I win if we're both smiling at the end of the negotiation.
Stress? I didn't think I had any. I thought that everytime I felt uneasy due to something not getting done I must have been mismanaging my time. I took it as a challenge to get myself more organized. If a friend disappointed me by being rude or my husband was working late every night of the week, I thought that I should improve my communication skills and be more flexible in my expectations.
I tried to turn every source of stress into a chance to better myself; but it's an illusion. Even when I used the pain and unease to improve myself, I still suffered. And worse yet, I didn't remove or lessen the source of stress.
If I was having trouble dealing with the requirements on my time, I vowed to cut out more "personal" time. If friends disappointed, I would tell them how I sympathized with what they did and go on as if nothing had happened. Husband late getting home? He must be so stressed trying to juggle kids soccer practice and running a company.
This all sounds lovely and enlightened, but it meant that I always put myself last on the list of people who deserved to be treated well.
This didn't teach me how to deal with stress, it taught me how to gain tighter and tighter control of my emotions. I've absorbed the stress for years. I never got loud or beligerant, just more quiet. At some point I realized that I was full-up.
The continued stress manifested itself in illness, sleeplessness and an absence of appetite.
I don't think the retraining I did to change my mind and body's reaction to stress is anymore effective than if I had put a bandage on a broken leg.
I am learning to accept that there are some things and behaviors that I don't like... and that's okay. Recently, I am learning how to speak-up to my husband and say that I deserve more consideration. Surprisingly, things are improving.
The most important things I've learned in the last few weeks is how to choose my battles. And that there are some battles worth fighting.
Posts: 2425 | Registered: Jan 2002
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quote:For example, I hate being lied to by service personnel. I know that they are fed a script by their employers, but I truly do expect people to be honest.
Last week, I finally got some renters insurance. I called the insurance company, and they wouldn't let me read the policy before I signed it. I couldn't believe they wouldn't let me read the policy until I had handed some money over. I can't read the contract until I've committed to it? I couldn't believe it! I don't do that.
So we were at an impasse - he "can't" mail it to me unless I'm a customer, and I'm not becoming a customer until I can read it.
"I can read it to you, but that's it." "Okay." "What?" "Read it to me. I want to know what's in it."
I'm thinking, if enough people request this, maybe they'll change their policy. It was interesting for the first bit - the money and coverage and exclusions part - and then it got really, really boring, so I had him summarize. I can't decide if I was being obnoxious or not, but now I know in and out everything in my insurance policy.
Anyway, the point of this post is I think I was in a stressed and belligerent mood when I first called, and that's how the stress expressed itself.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
After the conference that I was supposed to be at this week was cancelled, I tried to exchange my airline tickets for a later date. I called the airline, explained the situation, said I knew that tickets purchased through priceline were non-refundable, but could I pretty-please change them for a different date?
The airline lady looked up their contract with priceline and told me that priceline had the authority to exchange them and that the airline would honor that -- I should contact priceline directly.
Priceline told me that "the reason we are able to offer such good prices is that we commit to the airlines that the tickets are non-exchangable. There's nothng we can do -- the airlines won't change them.
So somebody is lying to me. However, since I did agree to the non-exchangable thing when I bought the tickets, I figured I didn't really have a leg to stand on. I still hate being lied to, though.
Bob -- my sister only handles third level escalations, and she has the authority to pretty much do whatever she thinks is appropriate to resolve the situation. My brother, on the other hand, has to enforce policies he finds morally repugnant . . . "Welcome to the telecomunications industry. Please check your ethics at the door."
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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