posted
I assume that most of you have, by now, heard of Opus Dei, the controversial Catholic movement founded back in the 1920's by a Spanish priest and now sweeping the globe. It's name literally means "God's work" and members of this sub-sect are called to perform normal everyday acts as part of God's plan. It's alot the Filios in the Ender series (hmm... I wonder...) But members also practice corporal mortification and the truly involved folks are more like monks and cloistered nuns than laity.
Anyway, I've decided that a better group would be Onus Dei, literally "God's burden." What this group does is take up God's disagreeable chores as their own. Our charter calls upon us to:
- remind everyone that they are wretched sinners.
- speak ONLY in a still small voice
- create entire universes with one word (but not Verbum...that's be overused already)
- carve rules in stone
- recarve the same rules in stone again
- perform fire tending duty in the vicinity of semi-flammable bushes
- smite those who trespass on the holy of holies.
- alter the course of battles based on whether the partriarch's arms are raised or lowered.
- same thing but for parting seas.
- Locust and frog wrangling
- snake/staff two-way conversions
- keep Purgatory tidy
- enter things in the book
- make sure people copying scripture don't err
- much much more
Sign up below.
Blasphemers are welcome...we need targets for twice-daily stonings.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
Oh yeah, I forgot...we are also called upon to toss manna around on the rare occassion. And fix platters of loaves and fishes, fill water urns with wine. It varies... today you might be called to waft smoke heavenward (or not as the case may be) and tomorrow it might be herding demons into swine. You never can tell.
Oh, and I was kidding about that creating universes with one word bit. Seriously, don't even bother trying. Best I've been able to conjure up is a Walmart and that took like a whole dissertation to accomplish.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
Don't worry if you do a bad job...it's all part of God's plan.
But, in answer to your question, some within Onus Dei do manage to specialize. You've chosen one of the more difficult specialties because it requires some facility with languages ancient and modern as well cryptology, numerology, and cross-referencing. It's a very long apprenticeship.
Are you SURE you wouldn't rather do the "still small voice" thing? Pretend you have a throat problem, or imitate Marlon Brando's character in "The Godfather." That always helps me.
Oh well, scripture checking it is. Report to your cubicle and NO napping!!! That's how we get bad things like screwed up ages for the patriarchs and weird phrases like "Believe ON the Lord."
posted
Is it outside the bounds of the charter if the “disagreeable chores” are really kind of fun? For example: I’ve got like six bags of fire and brimstone just sitting in my garage, and I would love to rain some of that stuff down. Also, there are a couple of people who I would really appreciate more as pillars of salt. Check that. One of salt and one of pepper. Might as well get some use out of them. And to be honest, I should really cut down on the sodium. Better make one of them Mrs. Dash.
edited to improve my punch line
[ January 06, 2004, 11:41 PM: Message edited by: Wussy Actor ]
Posts: 288 | Registered: Nov 2003
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posted
I'm torn between "entering things in the book" and "smiting".
Could I combine the two? Zap a sinner with a bolt of lightning, then enter in the book "Jimmy hit the ground like he'd been beaned in the back of the head by a family-sized can of soup then started spasming like a frat guy attempting to breakdance."?
Or, enter "Sue neglected to return her shopping cart to its proper home, then nearly mowed down a 4-year-old on her frantic flee from the Ralph's parking lot.", then turn her car seat into something from a fighter jet and eject her through the roof of her SUV and into a pack of sex starved orangutangs?
Is there room for creative free thinkers in the office? Can we do our own thing (while still observing the spirit of the rules)?
posted
God used to micromanage our group, but He's figured out that a better leadership style is to just give broad direction and trust us to figure it out for ourselves. So, there is some room for creativity as long as you don't draw too much attention to our group.
We are a secret organization, afterall. We have a secret sign we exchange with each other. It's called the inverse shrug. Basically, this is the gesture of acceptance of God's burden. Start with feet firmly planted and shoulders in the stiff upright and locked position. While stooping forward slowly, collapse the shoulders and bare the back of the neck as if you were collapsing slightly under the weight of Onus Dei...
Everyone feel the weight? Good!
Okay, we've got copy editing, brimstone, Purgatory maintenance, pillars of seasonings of various types (that was hilarious by the way...Mrs. Dash!), and smiting mixed with a bit of ledger accounting.
Cool!
We're off to a wonderful start.
Oh, did I mention this gig is for eternity. Don't sign up if you have a conflicting appointment.
Oh and rivka, there's enough going on just in Hebrew if you want to further specialize in rabbinical writings. Can we throw in the Kaballah or are you trying to cut back?
We could use someone to learn Arabic, though. Any takers? There seems to be a lot of confusion out there just now. Probably lots of smiting coming up on the horizon in certain sectors.
Oh, and we could use a good forensic accountant. Seems we'll have some jobs to do in Wall Street and probably the European Union.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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If y'all would just learn how to write words in the correct direction . . .
Bob, cool! I already have a gig studying various Rabbinical writings, so this should mesh well. My Arabic is practically non-existent, but I do know a handful of Aramaic. Can I work on that instead?
As far as kaballah, it's mostly over my head, but I'll try to work in a bit.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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I'd be interested in applying for the recarving job. It seems that all I'd have to do is just tell people that I recarved perfectly over the original carve so that it looks exactly like it did before I recarved it. That way, I'd have plenty of time to stand around the baptismal font or tickle patriarchs who have their arms raised.
quote:Do you also need people to sew on the wings of angels everytime a bell rings?
I think you've misinterpreted that one, Dan. Scholars have concluded that this actually refers to the onset of menstruation for the female angels, hence they are given maxipads.
Can I get a company car to go with this pair of company sandals?
Posts: 3056 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Since cell phones and digitized music have drastically cut into the number of physical bells actually ringing, God has decreed that synthetic wings will be given to angels when synthesized bells ring.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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You know, I'm beginning to suspect that some of you aren't treating this topic with the seriousness it deserves.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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I've been looking for it all day and I have found my big net. I am all over the locust and frog wrangling. but the smiting people sounds fun too. which one are you doing Oh Bob? and I'm a shoe in for the small voice!!
Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2003
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Bob, I think people are treating this topic with exactly as much seriousness as it deserves.
I can't recall from that other thread, but does God like Dobie threads? If so, I'd like to be in charge of them for this group of yours. I have a really great idea for this thread, in fact....
Posts: 6213 | Registered: May 2001
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tabithecat...small voice? Did you forget we've actually met?
Yours can be the official laugh of Onus Dei, though.
Just got a new assignment from "upstairs." We need some folks to go around arranging things so that voters will believe campaign promises again this year. It's a full time job rearranging the universe...
Oh, and God still wants someone to inspire some decent hymns for the period between Easter and Christmas. It's so dull!!!
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
I have it on good authority that while the whole "bells-to-angels'-wings" program has fallen on hard times, there is no truth to the rumor that the "every time a knuckle cracks, a prarie dog gets his antlers" program is any danger.
By the way, anyone with a hot-glue gun should report to the prairie tomorrow morning at 7:00 am.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Oh man . . . can I be Mother Teresa? Or should I just settle for Sister Shan? At any rate, I want to be the one cracking students over the fingers with rulers and speaking in a very nasal tone of voice.
Barring that, you need someone to actually supervise, Bob. Middle management style, reports to three other positons before God but actually the other three positions don't get much say . . . savvy?
And if none of that works, can I be Jack Sparrow and keep track of the lowest depths of hell while sailing my ship through uncharted waters? Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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I want to be in charge of liberal watering-down of rules and miracles. Seriously, you know He needs this, or what would he do with all those prophets?
-o-
Incidentally, you don't really have to create universes with a single word. Does it reall matter that much if it takes one word or ten or even several billion years? It's still as special, right? So go ahead, take your time!
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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(Notes taken from my Universe Creation Class before I flunked out)
Universe Creation 101:
It just takes one good movie to create a universe.
and two terrible prequels to destroy it. So say'th George Lucas.
It is difficult to create a Universe in one word.
Tolkien came close, but it took him 4 good books and the Similarion.
"Universi made with binary numbers instead of one word are not quite as stable"-- Neo.
"Once created, the darned things take on a life of their own. No matter how hard I try to stop them, they want more, more, more." OSC
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