quote: Samantha glanced up as the well dressed but slightly ruffled looking young man swung into the empty seat beside her. She smiled wanly and turned slightly toward the window, raising her book. He settled in, and looked her up and down. “Ride the bus often?”
“Mm.” She made what she hoped was a polite but discouraging noise, but he continued, “I’ve never actually been on one before. My car broke down just down the road, and they towed it to this place. I can’t believe there isn’t a rental car in fifty miles, but they said it would be quicker just to hop the bus to Minneapolis and rent a car there. I need to get to Duluth by tonight.”
There was a long pause. “Man, it’s sure green around here. Where I come from we don’t have much of this green leafy stuff. What is all that?”
Two points for providing critique. Critique must be more substantial than “I like it” or “good flow.” If I’m not sure if something counts as critique, I’ll award one point. Critique points can be earned even after the round is officially over.
One point for guessing, with reason given for the guesses. No points for subsequent guesses, unless you guess right. You can guess as many times as you want each round, but one guess at a time. (You can guess again after I answer your outstanding guess.)
posted
(laughs) I like this one! It's nice and sarcastic and I know that I'm gonna get picked right away because I'm from MN, but whatever...
I'm soft on stories about people who talk in weird places like on the bus. Because I sometimes do that. No one talks on the bus! She tries to
quote: “Mm.” She made what she hoped was a polite but discouraging noise, but he continued, “I’ve...
This part seems like it ought to be separated by paragraph somehow..
Like:
quote: “Mm.” She made what she hoped was a polite but discouraging noise, but he continued,
“I’ve...
I dunno, that's just how it seems it ought to be to me..
I like it, it flows very well... I would have guessed someone if the answer hadn't already been guessed. Good sample, dkw!!! Hey, no one had the chance to guess me.. MUWHAAHAHA.
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
saxon, what's amusing is that I know where I've read a similar conversation (although the roles were reversed, and it was Kansas). But I doubt dkw has taken up writing Lois&Clark fanfic.
I guess it's just the way people really DO tell apart soybean fields and corn fields!
[Edit: I know where Ryuko lives. That's why I didn't pick her!]
quote: Samantha glanced up as the well dressed but slightly ruffled looking young man swung into the empty seat beside her.
The rest of the excerpt is really good; interesting, amusing, but this first sentence is bland. It's long, the "glanced up" bit sounds contrived, there are too many descriptions, it's like an essay sentence. Perhaps describe the man throughout the passage as opposed to all at once. When you see someone, you don't think "there's a well dressed, slightly ruffled young man." all at once, especially on a glance. In fact, on a bus, unless specifically people-watching, you barely notice anything except what newspaper they are reading.
Perhaps instead of saying slightly ruffled, say something about the man which makes him slightly ruffled.
He's never been on a bus before? I thought I was bad!
Maybe Samantha should try and ignore him more at the start, especially since she ignores him steadfastly later on.
I think this is a person attempting to disguise their writing. I think.
posted
Hm. I was going to say Christy, too, if only because she spent a summer in Duluth (and therefore knows it exists) and actually CARES about Midwestern crop yields. Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
This is from an undergraduate creative writing class. The assignment was (would you believe it) “Write a dialogue between two people on a bus talking about the scenery.”
And Ryuko -- the whole time I was trying to write it, I went around ranting “people don’t talk on buses!”
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
I need to stop getting distracted in the middle of my post! People keep guessing it before I click send!
Posts: 981 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Ah...strangers on a bus. The poor woman is doomed!
Okay, I like the smart/sarcastic tone at the end. The description of her reactions up to that point are a little ordinary: smiling "wanly" and "turning slightly toward the window."
I was thinking maybe you could punch those up a little with sort of a Dashiel Hammet (sp?) kind of phraseology:
She smiled like she'd just bitten into a lemon...
Okay, too overblown. Maybe she smiles "thinly" instead of "wanly" Or has that kind of down-turned smile reserved for pesky younger brothers?
Looking out the window is good. Maybe she catches him checking her out in the reflection on the window? Something to give her some more buildup to her eventual reaction?
posted
What's really funny is that I grew up in Duluth.
And that my submission in Round 1 was part of a story about a couple on a road trip to Duluth. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . But it's not me.
Edit: Obviously. I didn't see dkw's somewhat subtle ding ding ding.
My critique:
How did she know he was looking her up and down? The point of view seems to be through Samantha's perceptions. Did she see him doing it in the window reflection?
Other than that, I like this passage. The two are really characterized well. I like the dialogue and the way the story is presented through it.
[ January 22, 2004, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: advice for robots ]
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
I want to see what happens to this poor sucker who tries to pick up women on the bus.
And I figured the woman was doomed because the guy is some sort of alien who gets very hungry on long road trips.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well, yeah, Proctor and Hermantown are at the top of the hill, but fairly far back from the actual hillside. I lived close to the top of the hill near UMD, and that was still Duluth. In fact, Duluth extends back past Miller Hill Mall and the shopping area up there.
Hey, dem's my old stomping grounds, man! I could take you on a guided tour!
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
That's all for now.
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Grumble]](graemlins/grumble.gif)
![[Monkeys]](graemlins/monkeys.gif)
![[Angst]](graemlins/angst.gif)
![[Evil Laugh]](graemlins/evillaugh.gif)
