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Shan and Dagonee are right. I have to follow my intuition. And my instincts tell me to be a little scared.
But Argèn†~, you're also right in that my ex's behavior so far; does not look all that bad. My therapist said the same thing today: he's not being dangerous or threatening, he's just hopeful and a bit deluded. And I can totally see how he could misinterpret my silence to me I'm still open to having contact with him. The thing is, if I reply nowwhen he's just sent me a present, he'll feel like he can provoke a response out of me. That he will have some kind of control over me. I don't want to give him that kind of control.
[edit: HTML != UBB. One of these days I will learn that]
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No, if you reply to him now being very curt and specific that you want no more contact, gifts, letters, or anything, then he either must obey your wishes or incriminate himself. The first time he incriminates himself, even if it's a post-it on your door frame, go immediately to the police for a restraining order. You should not be responding according to what you think his wants are, he should be behaving according to what your desires are, under penalty of the law, if necessary. All I'm pointing out is that if he is really just a poor slob who doesn't get it, he deserves to be treated like a poor slob who doesn't get it, not like some psychopathic stalker. Don't worry about sparing his feelings or letting him off easy, but don't threaten him as well. Just tell him you do not appreciate getting gifts, you do not want any more contact, and that any more attempts at correspondence will be refused, thrown out, and never replied to. Make sure you tell someone about what you say in your reply, for tips on how to best make it sound as cold and curt as possible, as well as covering your own bases as far as the worse case scenario where he tries to get hold of you to "reason" with you. If he attempts that, slap a restraining order on him so fast his head spins. If he leaves you be, then you will have avoided unnecessary complication for yourself, and possibly damaging the reputation of an immature, insecure, but mostly innocent human being.
Posts: 346 | Registered: Jan 2003
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quote:Restraining orders are easy to get, as long as there is just cause. Legally, it'd be difficult to convince the judge that mixed signals is just cause.
First, restraining orders are not always the best solution to this kind of thing. It creates entanglement when what is desired is separation. It gives the stalker an injustice to nurse (even if its justified). In some cases they are the best idea; too often they're given as homework assignments by police so the woman can prove she's "serious."
Second, if I understand what's been said to this point, xnera isn't going for a restraining order now. So any talk of "just cause" is premature. She does not need just cause to refuse to talk to someone.
Third, she's not treating him like a psychopathic stalker. She's treating him like someone who may become a psychopathic stalker, based on preincident indicators common to many of them.
Fourth, listening to intuition can never be overreacting. Your response to your intuition may be an overreation. In this case, xnera had an intuition based on a guy's behavior, sought advice before reacting, and has decided on a non-confrontational course of action. Sounds like a calm, reasoned approach to me.
Women subjected to harrassment too often hear "you must have sent mixed signals" or "your just being a nervous Nellie." Again, no one else has all the information here - it cannot be conveyed in a few paragraphs. The benefit of listening to your intuition is that it reserves fear for appropriate circumstances, when some action is needed in order to preserve safety. xnera is not panicking - she is listening to her intuition and responding accordingly.
Seriously, read The Gift of Fear. It is the definitive work on personal safety.
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