posted
noah, we've never really talked, offline or on, but i have so much empathy for you on this.
nothing grows a girl up like buying milk for her family, and nothing makes a woman feel like a thirteen year old girl again more than crying over missing a father that wouldn't even help her get medical treatment.
it is a courageous thing you're doing. be there for your mother. you have my respect and warmth.
Posts: 3936 | Registered: Jul 2000
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posted
Verbal abuse really sucks. People might think it can just be ignored or something, but that's not at all true. It's extremely destructive to you, whether you know that it's wrong and false or not. It gradually erodes away your selfness. So strange that it can do that even when you understand completely that it's nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with the personal problems of the person being abusive.
But it's imperative that people remove themselves from abusive situations. You can't even think clearly until you have been free of that for a while. You aren't even free to BE anybody while that is going on as a large part of your life. Getting away, getting free of that, is the very first thing you should do. Then after you've been at peace for a while you can make some decisions about what will happen next.
I made a rule for myself a few years back that I've been screamed at by people I love more than enough in my life, and I am done with that. If someone screams at me, I'm gone. That's it. Goodbye. Whoever it might be, I don't stay around for that sort of treatment. You can treat me with respect if you want to talk to me. Otherwise tell it to the tree.
If a boss ever screams at me once, I quit on the spot. If a family member does it, I leave and don't go back for a long time. If a friend were to do it, they would instantly become an ex-friend. It was a good decision. I think I'll keep it that way.
Noah, I think you and your mother are doing a great thing, that's very hard to do. I just want to let you know that you have my support and admiration for this decision. I know you will be glad you made this choice.
Posts: 2843 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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posted
Noah, things will only be tight until you go see a lawyer. Your mom is co-owner of everything your dad owns....
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
Let me also say that any father who won't buy food for his children, and who has the money, deserves to have every friggin' dime the law can scrape from him taken away. Show no mercy.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
Would your mother be entitled to a divorce settlement in addition to 1/2 of the proceeds of the house?
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
Noah, you are a dream. Other people have good advice, so I'll leave it to them. You have my admiration and any help I can offer. This is growing up, and rather abruptly.
And hey, you always have us. Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Some ex-husbands are very good at hiding their assets, so it's best if you can be self-reliant as much as possible.
I echo what others have said, verbal abuse is a serious problem and you don't need to tolerate it. Something I remember is that they need to have the legalities worked out before your mom moves out, or your dad can say she abandoned him, or even kidnapped you (if you're a minor).
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Something else that occurs to me, is that if you are under 18 and your father is making more than your mother, the courts will force him to pay child support to pay for your groceries <grin> Not right away of course since it takes a while for these things to go through the system. But still, I hope there is some poetic justice in it eventually.
But on the other side of this, you will be a man. Not just a grown up male, but a man. It's something to be proud of.
Posts: 5383 | Registered: Dec 1999
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Noah, you are my hero. I wish I could have been this brave at your age. Way to be there for yourself and your mother. Posts: 524 | Registered: May 2003
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Might want to take a look at the list of community property states, and the acompanying explanations of equitable distribution and community property. Your mother may well have the right to exercize some control over the stocks/pension/etc as well as the right to temporary financial support before a divorce.
Depending on your state's laws and your father's financial condition, you might have a right to full financial support through college including graduate schools.
It really sucks that you and your mother have to go through this. You are really brave to stand up to your father, and break free of the abuse - that is not an easy thing to do.
You are strong and will make it through this. Remember you always have our support.
posted
My mother spoke to a family friend who's also a psychiatrist, or something in that general area. He's finding someone who specializes in our area, and will get us a meeting by Thursday at the latest.
I'm sick of waiting.
I want to get the hell out of here.
Posts: 1934 | Registered: Jun 2001
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My father isn't brilliant and sometimes I find myself taking a stand. It's nowhere near what you did, and it takes a lot out of me. Good for you and good luck.
posted
((Noah)) Hang in there, babe. You're a great guy, and I know you can pull through this. I want to wish you the best of luck in everything. Keep me updated, okay? I really admire you sometimes.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Hey, man, at least you live in America. My father-in-law has been severely verbally and physically abusive to his wife as long as he's known her. But they live in a country where it's almost impossible to get a divorce, let alone post-divorce financial security. After a divorce settlement and some alimony, I think your dad may find that he doesn't have as much power over you as he thought, and he'll probably come to the well-deserved conclusion that it wasn't worth it. So just hang in there.
By the way, I was about 18 when I had to first start buying my own food and household supplies. It's a bit of a shock not to have all your money go toward fun stuff. But it's really empowering as well. You'll get to buy what you want, discover that living on Cap'N Crunch doesn't make you feel as good as you'd have thought, and learn how to make do with what you can afford. I lived on burritos, pot pies and ramen for years. But when I got tired of that, I learned that frozen vegetables, eggs, potatoes, onions and things like that aren't very expensive either. And it doesn't take much time or money to make some pretty good meals. My white-trash bachelor chef experiences scored me, among other things, a really great wife (cooking for her was one of the first things I did to impress her), and even to this day I find that a half hour cooking can get me out of trouble for a day's avoiding housework. So you never know what kind of good things will come from bad experiences.
Anyway, this really sucks. But it does sound like a fixable problem, and you'll probably come out of it a stronger person, and hopefully more sympathetic to your future spouse and children. Keep your eye on the big picture and you'll be fine.
posted
Not much to update about. We still haven't heard back from our friend, and my mom got an appointment with a lawyer for this friday.
Posts: 1934 | Registered: Jun 2001
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My mother never got the backbone to leave my father, and it seemed as if things were getting better.
Yeah. I went to college, and now, a year and a half later, I'm home again for the semester. He only abuses us 5 of every 6 days now, instead of 14 out of every 15.
I spoke to my teacher today. She gave me lots information, and was very relieved when I realized for myself that I need to remove MYSELF from this situation.
So, starting tomorrow, I'm going to speak to a friend of mine's dad, who is a psychologist, and to House of Ruth, and get a plan of escape that will leave me protected.
I'm going to live on my own, and finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, break all financial ties from my father. Pay for my schooling, housing, and board with loans and by working.
And spend my time enjoying the LACK of fear of being screamed at and yelled at and punished for trivial things I've done and said that aren't even wrong in the first place.
For example: My phone bill came the other day. I went slightly over in minutes. So the bill was the monthly $40, plus an extra $14. I took the money out of my wallet, and gave it to my dad. No big deal, right?
Wrong. He starts making a big deal out of it. Yelling at both my mom and I. I say (In a slightly frustrated, but still calm tone) that since I was paying for it, it shouldnt be a big deal.
Well that led to him being pissed at me for the next three days.
It's crap like THIS that I'm going to get away from.
And as much as I love my music, and I'll always have a dream to become a rockstar, I have a new dream that matches it.
I have a dream to go finish my schooling at Oberlin, finishing my Jewish Studies major and double majoring in Neuroscience. Then studying my graduate schooling in Israel. (My teacher knows a jewish Neurologist in Israel who works at Ben Gurion University, and she's gonna connect me to him). I'll go to medical school, and discover things about the human brain that will help chart whole new realms of unknown territory. I'll live in Israel, and work as a neurologist.
And most importantly, I have dream that I'll live, focusing on these things, without fear of and being controlled by my father.
I have this dream.
Tomorrow I wake up, and my dream stops being just a dream.
Posts: 1934 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Noah, I've been there. Email if you want to talk. I haven't seen my stepdad now in more than two years. My mother moved in with us, and it's been a burden on us financially too. She helps out of course, but we had to put a lot of money into finishing our basement to give her a place to live and everything, from groceries to the water bill, has gone up.
It's a tough decision to have to make, but when you know it's the right one I can tell you that it gets better. We know we did the right thing, painful as it was. Everyone is happier now.
As for my stepdad, he completely cut us off from his life and doesn't want anything to do with us. He called my mom one day at work after he found out I had cancer and asked if I was going to live. My mom started to tell him about the extent of the cancer and the chemo schedule and he just cut her off, saying he only wanted to know if he'd need to show up at the funeral.
Hang in there, Noah. You are strong and you'll make it through. Give your mom love and support, so she has the self-confidence to grow her business. In a few years you may both look back on this as the beginning of a new, and better life for you.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
I don't know you, Noah, but I'm glad you are moving out and taking care of yourself. It is very courageous for you to cut all financial ties. It'll be hard, but you'll be supported in other ways.
My Dad is in his 80s and is still affected by memories of his verbally abusive father. But he's had a rich, full, life and been a wonderful father himself, so life goes on and that cycle can be stopped. You can do this.
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Oh Noah... I had no idea this was still a problem. But it's so wonderful to hear you talk about your dreams like that. I encourage you in any way possible to keep going. Your post inspired me. *hugs*
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
I'm sorry you and your mom are still suffering with this, but like everyone else I'm really glad that you are taking the steps to take care of yourself. Painful as it is, we cannot make our parents do anything, even what is in their own best interest, and sometimes we just need to distance ourselves from unhealthy situations.
Your new dream sounds like a very challenging and rewarding experience. I hope the very best for you in this new stage of your life. *hug*
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
Good for you, Noah! I'm proud of you. You honestly need to get out of there. It is bad to stay in that sort of environment.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Good luck Noah! If you ever need any of us, just know that we'll be right there beside you. And your dream sounds wonderful!
Posts: 1789 | Registered: Jul 2003
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Good luck with everything, Noah. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. I went to grad school in Israel, so I might be helpful in that area.
Great to hear from you!
Posts: 5771 | Registered: Nov 2000
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