quote: Since when are you old? Old is only a state of mind, like being young. I've never been young and I've never been old because I never think of myself like that. I am older than people, yes, and younger than people, but old and young are just the states you give yourself.
posted
I have something to say here, but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I can work it out.
Hobbies are only a subset of 'all activities' -- which can include work, vocation, avocation, serious interests, self improvement, entertainment, etc. Nobody expects a couple in a relationship to go to work together, or share a common avocation or common ambitions -- but one does expect that they will share some sympathy or philosophy in that regard.
(One marvels at the deeply religious person married to the atheist, or the vegan married to the fur importer.)
As my now-ended marriage wound down, one of the sticking points seemed to be this 'activities' question. I had become a rabid competitive Scrabble player -- quite addicted -- and then added motorcycling. Neither of these activities held any attraction whatsoever for my wife, nor -- even if they did -- were there ready ways for her to participate even for the purpose of enjoying time with me.
But she was adamant that I not give them up, even to 'save' the marriage. If our relationship was to work, I had to feel happy doing the things that rewarded me. She just wished that they could include more things that embraced her interests: reading, travel, dining out, walking, etc.
When we talked about the possibility of her taking up an independent hobby so that she might not feel so like a Scrabble widow, it became clear that all this talk of activities was a bit of a red herring. We each wanted, at root, to feel wanted and cared for by the other person, to feel -- in some essential way, from non-verbal cues as well as by behavior -- that we were at the cherished center of the other's heart. Simply aligning our hobbies was not going to make this happen, if it didn't exist otherwise.
It would go off topic to explain in further detail how it continued to unravel... but this debate was at the center of our lives for the two years or so that we struggled to 'make it work.' Very interesting.
My new love and I happen to share Scrabble -- and much else beside -- and having so many lively interests and hobbies in common is new to me. But I don't think I am deluded into thinking that is what makes our relationship work. It is part of what drew us together, but it is her mind, soul, body, values, dreams, voice, imagination, humor and more that I love, and where we share such a bond.
posted
Hobbes I'm sorry I didn't get back to you before now. Actually had to do that little thing called Work. <grin>
Basically I what everyone else already said, I'm not talking about a long distance relationship, because by its very nature you aren't living together in any sort of proximity with each other. I would expect you right now to want to be with Annie every moment you can because the opportunity is so rare.
But when you are near each other while still wanting to spend time with each other by its nature mundane every day life will still have to happen. You are still going to have to eat, wash clothes, do dishes etc. You might do them separately, or you might divide the labor. The question is how your other interests in life and time meld or don't meld together with each other.
please let me know where more clarification is needed.
posted
The other thing that I was thinking of, is that you may think other peoples opinions are "silly" but they aren't necessarily silly to the people themselves. Perception IS reality in their minds and you can't change it no matter how unfair it is.
We might hate the fact that it is true, we might rail against the injustice but the fact is that we have to get along with the "silly" people in the world too. Most of the time they aren't truly bad at heart even if they are shallow in our opinions.
quote:We each wanted, at root, to feel wanted and cared for by the other person, to feel -- in some essential way, from non-verbal cues as well as by behavior -- that we were at the cherished center of the other's heart.
This is beatiful, JVP.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
| IP: Logged |
quote: And when our hobbies coincide, WOOHOO! Like zombie and disaster movies, Halo, hiking, things of that sort. 'Cause then you can do stuff together.
A girl who likes zombie movies and halo is a total plus, in my book. And yeah, having seperate hobbies are nice, too. Gives you time to yourself.
And since when am I a wise man?
Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
AJ, I guess I got confused because I think we're arguing two, completely different things. I'm saying that enforcing your (general your) view of how to make a relationship work on someone else is silly, and you're arguing that normally couples don't need to have the same hobbies. I agree, couples don't always need to spend all their time together, but that doesn't mean that a couple spending all their time together is wrong any more than it means enjoying different things dooms the relationship.
As for thinking other people's opinions are silly I'm not so much saying ignore it or hate it or anything, it's just Hobbes's version of saying that our friend Bob was wrong (in my opinion).
quote: Since when are you old? Old is only a state of mind, like being young. I've never been young and I've never been old because I never think of myself like that. I am older than people, yes, and younger than people, but old and young are just the states you give yourself.
In that case I'm so old that I remember the birth of dirt.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
I can't remember how long weightlifter Bob's longest relationship lasted. I suspect Steve and I are beyond that time limit, though one of Bob'd gfs lasted far longer than any of the others at I think 3 years but it might have been 6. He's had one failed marriage that lasted for less than a year and several other turbulent relationships.
He's also extremely fastidious and inflexible as far as his routine, what he does and what he eats. So I wouldn't necessarily go to him for relationship advice ever.
Another example: I know that if there is a big project that needs to get done over a long weekend I start talking about it with Steve 2 weeks in advance. It takes Steve that long to adjust to the idea. Well over Memorial Day there was a project (putting in a floor in one of the bedrooms) that we both know needs to be done and I was planning on doing, that involved him but I forgot to tell him. So I told Steve on Tuesday of that week before. The result was not good. Anyway I mentioned it to Bob that Steve had been upset. I blamed myself but was also amused because I know how Steve's mind works and that I was giving him short notice.
However after a day to recover from the shock he was ok with doing the project. But after we talked it over together and doing price comparisons, we realized that we needed to do the glued type of engineered wood flooring rather than glueless, since glueless costs twice as much. After realizing it was going to be even a much bigger project than planned and more involved we've tabled it until a later date.
Yet Bob refuses to believe that it was actually a joint decision. He thinks Steve somehow "won" and I somehow "lost" when no such thing happened.
posted
Hobbes I'm not saying that my view of life should be "enforced" on any one any more than Bob's view should be "enforced" on me.
However there is no law saying you can't make general observations about the relative happiness and healthiness of relationships and draw conclusions about human behavior either.
posted
Anna, I think the moral of this story basically boils down to "I should remember not to care what weightlifter Bob thinks, as he's probably going to be judgemental about my boyfriend out of jealousy no matter what I tell him."
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
That's the thing though Tom. Bob isn't that complicated. I genuinely don't think he was jealous. I don't think he actually understands how two people can live together without spending every possible moment together. If anything I suspect that was the downfall of his own relationships.
And this is a "hot" topic to me because of how many times I've seen my mother getting suckered into doing things with my father just because its Dad's thing and they *should* be doing it together, not because she actually wanted to. She does it constantly and I don't know if I've ever seen my father reciprocate and do something that she wants to because he *should*.
I don't think it is entirely tied into chauvinism though, because I've seen guys in the same position my mother was in before.
quote:And this is a "hot" topic to me because of how many times I've seen my mother getting suckered into doing things with my father just because its Dad's thing and they *should* be doing it together, not because she actually wanted to.
AJ, I totally agree this is a huge problem in a relationship. But it's not gonna stop me from trying to hook my sweetie on the 'Rack.
Even though you will all think she is much cooler than me.
quote:And this is a "hot" topic to me because of how many times I've seen my mother getting suckered into doing things with my father just because its Dad's thing and they *should* be doing it together, not because she actually wanted to.
I do agree with this, AJ.
But on the other side, getting interested in your sweetie's hobbies can open your own horizons. Certainly that has happened to an extent with me and Tony - even if it's little things like him convincing me a little physical exercise won't kill me, or me taking him fishing and making him scale all the fish he caught (he now has a better rod than me...).
But I also fall into eslaine's camp - we can't spend every waking minute together every day otherwise we each become bored, staid and unenthusiastic. Of course, there are times were we do spend all day together - camping holidays for example, and I think it works because it's not the norm. And we're often quite relieved to get home and just have some *me* space at the end. Posts: 4393 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
I feel that it is very important to be supportive of my wifes hobbies even when they don't make much sense to me.
JenniK is VERY involved in the Rainbow Girls, a service organization for younger girls that is affiliated with the Freemasons and Eastern Star, to the point that she is on the local Board for them. Her mother is the Mother Adviser, and JenniK herself is a past Grand Worthy Adviser, the young girl in charge of their meetings. One of her bridesmaids was a young girl from Rainbow.
I don't alway like the fact that Jenni has so many demands on her time. Often we plan to do something together, and as the time draws closer she will remember that she has a Rainbow function to attend or chaperon. However, I know that this is something that she really enjoys, and I like most of the people I have met at the Rainbow functions I am allowed to attend, so I support her. I even participate, when I can. It just isn't my thing, though.
I love to play pool. I use to play all the time, and was on several teams. Jenni liked pool, but didn't really know how to play. She joined my pool team, and loved playing on it. But, it wasn't really her thing.
Both of us support the other, without feeling that we have to do every little thing together. That is what works for us, usually.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
And yeah, having seperate hobbies are nice, too. Gives you time to yourself. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
