posted
I wonder what you people think about that. There are different opinions on this, so lets hear your thoughts.
I admit, it is also a personal issue. In 2 months I find myself in the intercultural marriage. Am very excited about that, can’t wait to marry lissande I’ve always thought that such a marriage is wonderful. Each person brings his/her unique cultural background into marriage and then you have a chance to pick what works for you from both cultures. And I think that’s exciting. What more – this is, in my opinion, a rather big advantage for children. They are raised speaking at least 2 languages, they are exposed to different cultures, customs (like we celebrate name day - just another opportunity to get presents), celebrating different holidays (or celebrating some twice – Christmas on the 24th and 25th), kids have 2 citizenships (in our case US and EU) etc. Yes, I think that intercultural relationships are blessing, in general.
So let us hear concurring or dissenting opinions.
Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2003
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I also think it involves a lot of compromise. Both parties have to be willing to give-and-take a lot and never think of their culture as being "right" and the other as "wrong." So a mutual respect for the culture of the mate is essential to making it work, because there will be differences.
posted
Well, considering I'll be having an interfaith marriage in a year or so (no date yet, don't ask! ), I think there are definite advantages/challenges, but I don't think, everything considered, that the challenges outweigh the advantages.
posted
I only made my point because after this past year's experience with our European exchange student. He was much different than the first one we had.
He would often take opportunity to look down his nose at something American, or say something like "that's not how WE do it in Germany" with a kind of tone that implied they were better.
Understand that a fellow American here can bash our policy and I probably won't blink an eye -- yet someone from another country comes over and bashes us with the same words, and we get all offended.
So I think in a multi-cultural relationship, you just have to watch how you say things so it isn't taken as judgmental against the other culture. It would be much like saying "great pie, sweetie -- but not quite as good as my mom used to make.." It would bristle a few hairs...
I agree, there are stupid people everywhere. I have friends who look down on nearly everything just because its American. On the other side, you have no idea how many times I met Americans in Europe who talk down things we have here. Sometimes I “get over” that, most of the time however I get rather irritated and tell them something (to both, Europeans and Americans).
Agree, you have to work much harder in intercultural marriage, but it’s worth it. There can be conflicts just because English isn’t my native language and I can’t quite grasp some of the fine nuances of the language. But it’s been a blessing for us and sure enough is promising to be a blessing in the future!
Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2003
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Marraiges should be between two individuals, not two cultures. Whatever the two involved decide is cool by me. Posts: 1843 | Registered: Aug 2003
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When my wifes grandparents married, she was from Northern Italy, he was from South/Sicilly. The bitter feelings and arguments about that marriage still erupt during family gatherings.
When my wifes mother married her father, she was Catholic, he was Protestant, and of mixed German/English parentage. There was some complaints and talk of mixed cultures, but no lasting bitterness.
When my wife married me, who am not even Christian (in an organized sense), with Jewish/Eastern European ancestry there was nothing but celebration and congradulations.
Things improve. Good luck with your cross-cultural marriage!
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
I think it's fine and good, but you (generic you) have to be careful, and possibly be willing to work harder at the marriage than you might have to otherwise. There are so many cultural assumptions that we don't even think about, and it can be difficult to recognize and change them.
We have a bunch of intercultural marriages in my family, and we love having everybody around. But, for example, I know my BIL and his Japanese wife have had more conflict about finances than the DangerCouple has had, just because they were bringing completely different assumptions about money to the marriage.
A good friend of mine is very happy married to her Nepalese husband, but her SIL was more than a little taken aback to find her in-laws moving in with her a few months after the wedding. She wasn't prepared for those customs.
OTOH, you can have some great complimentary partnerships; my brother is the original absent-minded professor (he's had his head in the clouds since birth), and his hard-headed and practical Russian wife is great at taking care of him. Meanwhile, she is gratified by other aspects of his personality, so they get along well.
So I'm all for it--I just think it probably takes a bit more work. But think of all the fun you get as compensation!
Posts: 335 | Registered: Feb 2001
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posted
When my brother was dating a Japanese girl and was considering marriage, he asked me my opinion. I told him that all things being equal, I would recommend against it.
My wife and I both came from the same narrow sub-culture: white/mormon/american. Even so, our family cultures were *extremely* different. We had different basic assumptions about so many things. Things were very difficult for a long time. I can only imagine how difficult it would have been if we had come from different cultures.
So I advised against it. He didn't take my advice: they got married and recently had their first child. Once he decided he was going to do it, he's received nothing but support from his family.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
As the product of an intercultural marriage, I can tell you that you need to innoculate your home against making your kids' upbringing too weird. Sure an emotionally healthy kid should be able to roll with it, but if your children are highly intelligent or sensitive or anxiety prone they might wind up like me.
You think you want to be a good parent, and I'm not saying you won't be. But everyone learns through experience. I don't wish I'd never been born, and surely the intercultural thing wasn't the worst thing about my childhood. But I largely saw it as a challenge. And when it came time for me to be married, I had no choice but to go intercultural because my culture doesn't much exist elsewhere.
Fortunately, a big part of the American culture is pluralism and tolerance.
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I'm a huge fan of intercultural marriages, seeing that I wouldn't be here if they didn't happen...
Posts: 1466 | Registered: Jan 2003
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I thought the best part of my intercultural marriage would be being able to introduce my significant other to Star Wars and Star Trek. H. had never seen either...actually, before we were married, H. had only ever seen one movie.
As it turns out, H. was not impressed with my introduction to good 'ol fashion American movies.
We look at finances differently, but that has more to do with me being reckless. I love the intercultural marriage I am in. I get bored easy and like stimulation. We share a lot of the same values, personality traits, love and laughter. The biggest problem we have faced is altho I can relate to H's religious convictions, political ideas, books, and entertainment, H does not get my appreciation for things like Twin Peaks, 6 feet under, and Simpsons.
Since I do not speak H.’s language (yet), I don’t know the in-laws. H. gets along with my in-laws wonderfully. I am planning in living in the other country for 1-2 years once our soon-to-be child is around 2 years old.
Since not getting an aspect of my humor has been our biggest issue, I count myself eternally lucky. H. and I share a love of historical Asian movies, some kung fu movies, some kid flicks, and we both hated Possesion with the same passion—so we do relate quite a bit in entertainment. H. is wonderful, as is our marriage.
Go interracial/cross-cultural marriage go!!!
Posts: 1034 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I'm all for it if it's for the right reasons. Being Asian.. I know many of my counterparts don't like it when Caucasians date Asian females.
For me.. as long as it's not just an "asian fetish" but they actually like the girl as a person.. then I'm all for it.
As well.. I think their mixed children are absolutely GORGEOUS!!
*and besides.. I normally see white guys with UGLY asian girls.. rarely do I see asian guys with cute white girls. And I'm kinda like.. good riddance. Take our ugly girls away and produce wonderful daughters.
Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
It depends on the couple. If they are two people who can handle the differences...particularly differing views on how to raise children it will work fine. I think it does add an extra challenge to a marriage, but if the two people love each other and are willing to work though any differences it can be a great thing.
Personally, I would think an interfaith marriage would be tougher than an intercultural marriage. I suppose that is simply because my faith is more important to me than my culture. I find it unlikely that I would marry someone who was not a Christian...certainly not an atheist since to me that would be to big of a barrier. But, everyone has their own thresholds of what they could accept.
Posts: 1901 | Registered: May 2004
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posted
Come to think of it -- all the American/Asian couples I know are caucasian male/Asian female. (and not necessarily mail-order brides, either. These are some good marriages I know personally) I have never seen a match of Asian male, white female -- do you know of some? I wonder why that is...
posted
My spouse is Asian. But here is a question to you all. Why does it seem more American White Men marry out side of their culture/race then American White Females? Does that say something about American White Men, Other Countries Men, Other Countries Women, American White Women, or does it hold no significance?
Posts: 1034 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Lupus, I agree. Since Tzadik and I come from the same religious tradition, sharing the same uncommon worldview, we are more nearly of the same culture than not. By that I mean that I am not really part of greater American culture and he is not really part of greater Slovak culture. A normal Slovak girl would never understand what motivates Tzadik or why he is committed to the things he is committed to; he'd totally freak her out. Ditto a regular American guy with me. So we disagree sometimes on politics, interpretations of history, some points of etiquette, which hand you hold your fork in and where you should keep your shoes in the house (though I've adapted on those), but we share the same base. Our Christian subculture goes deeper, overall, than our outside cultures.
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posted
Or him, in this case. Tzadik, do you have more mail-order grooms available from those parts?
Ah, I think intercultural marriages are great! I think the kids gain a lot in breadth of worldview. Also it's just cool to speak two languages at home.
I agree, too, that many things matter more than culture. Almost any two hatrackers from opposite sides of the globe would be much closer in spirit than any one of us and the random person living next door, I'm sure.
And anyway, we are all God's children, for sure.
I would definitely get straight the childrearing approach beforehand. To me the hitting/no hitting difference is very important, for instance. And parents need to present a fairly unified front, or else the kids will take them to pieces. Kids have so many natural advantages like limitless energy and lack of compunctions. Parents have to cling to thier unity or else toss in the towel completely!
Posts: 2843 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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quote: Come to think of it -- all the American/Asian couples I know are caucasian male/Asian female. (and not necessarily mail-order brides, either. These are some good marriages I know personally) I have never seen a match of Asian male, white female -- do you know of some? I wonder why that is...
saxon75?
The odd thing is that at my school (nearly 50% asian) there are more asian male/caucasian female than the other way around.
Posts: 181 | Registered: Aug 2001
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quote: I would definitely get straight the childrearing approach beforehand. To me the hitting/no hitting difference is very important, for instance. And parents need to present a fairly unified front, or else the kids will take them to pieces.
That can be an issue in "same" culture marriages too. Although I agree it is an important consideration.
I think interculture marriages can be wonderful and expose the children to experiences they would not have otherwise. A much more inportant consideration than culture or color is, "Does this person value marriage they way I do?"
Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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"Why does it seem more American White Men marry out side of their culture/race then American White Females? "
Probably because there are a LOT more men in the USmilitary than women, as well as a LOT more USmilitary personnel having extended stays rather than short vacations/trips overseas than civilians.
Even amongst civilians -- if the economic&social factors of living in one nation vs the other are even vaguely similar -- wives tend to adopt their husband's homeland more often than husbands adopt their wives'. So American men with foreign wives are more often seen in the US, while American women with foreign husbands are more often not seen in the US because they are living elsewhere.
Inregards to Americans marrying Americans, the tendency I've noticed is that WASPish* women are more likely to marry outside that ethnicity than WASPish men.
* ie People who would be viewed as being of NorthernEuropean extraction upon first glance
posted
I agree with what Lupus and ak have said regarding an interfaith marriage being more difficult than an intercultural one. I think that ideological barriers are much more difficult to surmount than the cultural ones.
My faith in God and my religious beliefs are a very big part of who I am. To marry someone who doesn't share a similar belief structure would be quite difficult, and most likely a constant source of stress in the relationship. I would not be very open to compromise on such matters.
Cultural differences, on the other hand, I often find very interesting. I enjoyed my time living in the Czech Republic, and loved getting to know the people and their culture. Had I met someone over there who shared my beliefs, and we were attacted to each other, the last few years could have been quite different. I might not have come back home after my year was up.
In some cases the culture and faith differences will be very interwoven. I have several Asian friends with whom their culture is laced very much with a lot of Buddhist practices. I would find it much more difficult to adapt in that enviornment, I think. That's not to say that it couldn't be done, as I also know several of those same friends have embraced Christianity, and turned away from those aspects of thier culture.
In any relationship, there will be differences that need to be reconciled. I think it's best if the two take the time to really get to know each other before commiting to a marriage. The more you talk, and the more time you spend together, the more likely you are to identify any irreconcileable differences before it's too late.
Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2004
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I have an intercultural marriage. My husband barely spoke english when I met him.
It has been wonderful. I would have to say, that bracing for the cultural differences made it much easier to deal with the familial differences. The idea isn't to be afraid of the differences, but to learn how to integrate them into one set of family traditions.
One thing I've found though, is that I think the woman has more influence on the overall culture of the family. She speaks the language of the home, no matter what it is. She brings in the traditions of her family. Many times I asked my husband if they had a tradition or something they do surrounding certain shared holidays. He shrugged mostly and said, I don't know.
Posts: 438 | Registered: Apr 2004
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Yeah, my mother said that EVERY marriage is an intercultural marriage, because no two families do things alike, and everyone tends to think their own family's way of doing things is the only real way to be. <laughs> So every marriage requires a lot of negotiation and compromise and divvying up of territory and tasks and decisionmaking, apparently.
But if core values are shared, I think this makes it much easier. Then the only discussion is over means.
Another thing my mother told me is that everyone gets unpleasant surprises about their spouse after they are married, even those with long engagements and so on. Apparently there is no way to really know another person, and even after 20, 30, 40 years they are still surprising you. (Sometimes pleasantly, I hope. )
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Yeah! And some people you'd just be delighted to spend eternity getting to know anyway! Posts: 2843 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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Asian men, especially those who come from traditional families, are spoiled rotten. Of course, most second generation Asian guys are just as liberal-minded as other Americans; i.e. they don't expect their wives to become homemakers.
However, many Asian guys were spoiled by their mothers. I know a lot of thirty-something Asian guys who don't even know how to fry an egg or wash their socks. They expect their girlfriends/wives to do that. This doesn't necessarily make them bad people, but it at least make them bad domestic partners.
I'm an Asian guy and generally I prefer dating non-Asian women. Asian women tend to be more passive. This does not mean they are less ambitious or anything, but due to their upbringing they are just less vocal and independent than other girls.
These are all generalizations and it obviously does not apply to anyone here, especially anyone who is bigger than me and can beat me up. Posts: 4116 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Beren - It's funny that you say asian women tend to be more passive. Just like how 2nd generation asian men tend to be more liberal, 2nd generation asian women seem to be more aggresive. I would say about 50% of my friends are asian, and many of the girls in that group seem to be tough cookies. Also looking at the females on the Korean side of my family, it is not unusual to see the wives being dominant in many aspects. Have you seen an asian wife pissed at her asian husband before? *shudder* It can be quite terrifying. It's also funny how on my conservative white side of the family, the women generally seem tamer. I suppose it has more to do with appearing well-behaved.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2001
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There are several first-generation immigrant Filipina women at work. They are hands down the most outspoken women I have ever met in my life.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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I guess my relationship with B is kinda odd... While I am very Scotch/Irish, I thoroughly enjoy learning about Asian cultures. My fiancee, on the other hand, loves Scotch/Irish cultures--so we're always trying to find out what each of us do for random holidays, at home, work, etc.
Both of us have talked a lot about raising kids, finanaces, and the other points brought up before we got engaged. What we didn't understand, we learned and have modified it to suit both of us.
Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Mayday - My experience as a half-asian, half-caucasian (mostly of scottish heritage) concerning celebrating holidays and carrying out traditions, is a pretty good one. Both of my parents strive to understand each others culture, and in the process, my family celebrates a lot. New Years is super fun. I party western-style with the rest of America, getting liquored up and setting off fireworks while I also get to dress up in the traditional Korean robe and have a feast with the family. Korean-Americans in my family celebrate thanksgiving with a feast of traditional seaweed soup with a lot of complimentary dishes that take all day to cook. My immediate family likes to draw thanksgiving day out over two nights. A traditional turkey feast one day, the seaweed soup the next.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2001
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Quote: "Marraiges should be between two individuals, not two cultures." That's naive. Individuals are made by their cultures, combined with their personal experiences within the contexts of those cultures. My wife, from the Philippines, and I, from New Zealand, met at BYU Hawaii, a prime spot for intercultural relationships, in 1972, and married in 1975 (after my mission to Australia). We've had 29 years of the best life we could ever have hoped for since then. I think our attitude to our cultural differences was that they were no big deal. Any couple will have cultural differences, whether it's the culture found in their families or their nations. You work around them, make allowances for them. I think the fact that we started the first 4 years of our marriage in a 3rd cultural setting (American) helped us to be relatively neutral about our cultural differences. Also we had what we called "gospel culture" (LDS) in common, which we saw as much more important than either of our birth cultures. Our oldest son's wife is Japanese (he served his mission in Japan), and we have a beautiful Japanese/Filipino/Kiwi (New Zealander) granddaughter. Our daughter married an American, and while she's a Kiwi through and through, they both handle their cultural differences with a sense of humour, and so it's not an issue. They've given us two gorgeous American/Kiwi grandkids. Intercultural's part of our family culture!
Posts: 867 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
I have a question for people involved in or knowing of any intercultural marriage: how does such a couple choose the names for their children ?!
Posts: 4519 | Registered: Sep 2003
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Most Koreans I know have an American name along with a Korean name. So I supposed an intercultural couple could just choose two names for their children.
In my case, my parents decided not to give me a Korean name because....because...crap, I don't know why. I'll have to ask them when I see them tonight.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2001
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I say that inter-cultural marriages are more difficult, but I'm definitely "for". It livens up the gene pool. Posts: 6367 | Registered: Aug 2003
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I'm neither for nor against intercultural marriages. I don't think they're better or worse than single-culture marriages, but they do present a different set of problems for the couple.
That being said, I never considered marrying a Gentile and I will be devastated if any of my future children do so. I won't disown them and I'll try to keep my opinion to myself, but it will break my heart. To me, Jews have a duty to marry other Jews and produce Jewish children.
Andrew and I often joke that we have an intercultural marriage because I'm Southern and he's a New Yorker. Luckily, he's being won over to the Southern side more and more each year. Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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As an alien stranded here on earth, (and as a someone who woke up one morning last week and finally realized she is a giant cockroach inside, so that explains perfectly why everyone who ever truly got to know her over the years ran away screaming in terror), there could not be any possible marriage for me that wasn't an interspecies intercultural one. Intergalactically intercultural, even.
But, by golly! My fiances and I just suit each other so perfectly! We are quite an intercultural family, one of us being an all american anglo sorta guy from Kentucky, the second one being a deist Sikh of Indian descent who grew up in small town Florida. The family of the latest (whom I've not announced to the board as a whole yet... still working on all the poetry required for that) is from Panama. He is also mad cool and you guys will love him. (His name is Jorge.)
Of course, though this whole polyandrous engagement thing is very new for me, my family has always been quite multicultural. Saudade, my daughter, is of Aztec and Spanish descent. Her husband Andrei is an African American from the Virgin Islands. Bernard, my big brother, of course, is Chinese American. Jaiden my other daughter is Canadian with lots of strong European things mixed in, English and French, mostly, I think. Sasha, my son, (Boshenka) is Russian speaking, born in Moldova. Noah, my newest little brother, you all know of course is Jewish, and of course he's from the planet of cuteness as well, being the sweetest most adorable little brother imaginable. (Not to detract from his badassness, I mean, though, sorry Noah! )
Richard Chiu, one of my best friends of my life, is half Chinese, half Anglo. Amira, another close friend of my life, is British of Indian descent, Islamic. Manuel, my extruelove, is half Mexican half Anglo. Anna, one of my very closest friends, is Irish Catholic from LA and Maine, and she's very Celtic. Human, as you all know, is an Anglo-something pequenino who's in his third life as a tree. Paul Jay (black fox) is German American, and Morgan (Pixie) of course is Irish.
I think of all these cultural differences as being enriching and never something to be sad or crossways about.
The only rule for our marriage is that we do nothing without the wholehearted consent of all spouses. The fact that we have different gifts just means there's more for us to give to each other. It just increases the love and joy, until it spirals out to infinity.
[ August 17, 2004, 12:36 AM: Message edited by: ak ]
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posted
Trying out new screenname. Just thought I ought to get this one. Will go back to posting as ak now so as not to be too confusing.
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I’ve always thought that such a marriage is wonderful. Each person brings his/her unique cultural background into marriage and then you have a chance to pick what works for you from both cultures. And I think that’s exciting. What more – this is, in my opinion, a rather big advantage for children. They are raised speaking at least 2 languages, they are exposed to different cultures, customs (like we celebrate name day - just another opportunity to get presents), celebrating different holidays (or celebrating some twice – Christmas on the 24th and 25th), kids have 2 citizenships (in our case US and EU) etc. Yes, I think that intercultural relationships are blessing, in general. 
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