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Author Topic: Another Poem Of Mine.
Phanto
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Thank you so much for the advice given to me earlier. As such, I have written a poem dedicated to being concrete as opposed to vague:

quote:

Night smothers all in its black,
Except for a few patches
that the lamps guard.

I sit underneath one,
On a bench of hard wood,
And my breath forms into mist,
With the cruel breeze.

My hands are freezing,
Turning into chunks of ice,
But I do not care much,
For I am colder yet inside,
Then my hands could ever be.



[ November 11, 2004, 09:21 PM: Message edited by: Phanto ]

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WishfulWiggin
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Wow. Very good (not that I have the experiance/knowledge to critique). I especially like the end.
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Raia
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Concrete, maybe, but you haven't quite grasped "cheery" yet... [Wink]

Just kidding. Very nice. [Smile]

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TomDavidson
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It's a definite improvement, but I found myself catching on one of your stylistic choices whenever I read it. Do you mean to so strongly anthromorphize everything in the poem except yourself? (Note, BTW, that this would not be a bad thing, but that I couldn't tell whether it was deliberate.)
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Phanto
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I did ^^.

Any other thoughts?

*wants to become a good poet*

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Dagonee
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Then go to the everypoet site I linked in the other thread. It will help, I promise.
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advice for robots
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I find it hard to picture any kind of light except in the first section. You could use light more powerfully, IMO, maybe contrasting its lightness with its lack of warmth.
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Phanto
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Thank you so much Dagonee. [Smile]
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Dagonee
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Oh, and this is much improved over the last. [Smile]
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