posted
So, I'm trying to decide whether I want to take my intended's last name. It's a big change (as if marriage isn't alreay a big change). I LIKE my name. I also do want to take his. But I'm also attached to my name.
The conflict!
I brought it up to my shrink, and he just laughed at me.
I've talked to a few folks on AIM. What do folks have to say to weigh in on this decision? (Yes, I've spoken to Nathan about it already).
Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
I think it depends on what the change would be and if you want kids. If his last name sounds horrible with yours I wouldn't take it. If you want kids it is easier to have a family name then have your husbands last name be one thing and yours' another and your kids something else.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Maybe this is just me but for me it also depends on my level of education. If I end up getting my doctorate, I would not want to change names. Maybe that is weird but I just wouldn't.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
My opinion? It's a custom that doesn't harm anybody, and there's no reason to do away with it. If a feminist is a person who believes that women are people, equal to men, then I am a feminist. But I completely fail to see how women are harmed by taking their husband's name.
(Someone's going to come along now and ask me if I plan on taking my wife's name when I get married, if it's so "harmless". To which I'll answer, "If that were the custom in our society, then absolutely I would. But it isn't.")
I don't see any reason why a woman couldn't keep her maiden name as an additional middle name. But simply refusing to take on her husband's name at all strikes me as being revolutionary purely for the sake of being revolutionary.
And combining the names with a hyphen is just annoying.
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posted
If I were you I'd change it but keep your current name for a pen name But that's me. And LOL@pop.
Posts: 3636 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
I wanted Jenni to change her name, and she agreed with me. I don't see it so much as losing your own name as gaining another. You would always be a Taylor, as Jenni is always a Ross, but now....she is a Brill as well.
I legally changed my name about 8 years ago. 6 years ago? Something like that. I hated my middle name and last name, so ditched them, but kept the first name - it suited me. I picked names I loved. Oh, there were other issues there as well - like a psychopathic stalker.
So when I got married a whole year and a half ago, I didn't want to give up my last name. But then, I live in a whole other country now, and have no idea what the process is here for changing names - ie, adding his at the very end. So not knowing the process here complicates things.
Anyway. I wanted to keep my last name for writing purposes, so professionally, I use my last name pre-marriage. At church and socially and what-not, I use his last name. But I also frequently use both, especially when I'm emailing someone who will know me both professionally and personally.
But evidently, I like to complicate matters. So, uh, I dunno if this helps at all. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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In flowery script (little doodles of houses and flowers on the borders of each page are recommended but not required), write each possible variant at least a dozen times. (Dreamy look during this process is optional.)
When you're done, you'll know. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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When I got married, I kept my own last name, mack -
and actually, my intended did not like that - his reasons were all for ease of the family being identified as the family - to which I finally suggested if that were truly the case and so important to him, then I certainly was willing to share MY last name -
which also didn't suit . . .
so really, in his case it was all about the power trip - which happened a lot in our brief marriage . . .
posted
It isn't always about a power trip thoguh....I am the last Brill, and that means a lot to me. Not more than the love I feel for Jenni, but a lot.
I would have married her if she wanted to keep her madien name....but I woyuld have been very disapointed with it, and I am glad we saw eye to eye on this.
It is a sign of comittment, on both sides....that a man would offer to share his name, and a woman would accept it.
I don't see anything wrong with keeping the maiden name somewhere though....you could still be Jamie Taylor Novack.... Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
If you took Nathan's name you would never hear anything about how your name is so similar to James Taylor.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
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My husband and I discussed it and decided that our two names hyphenated together did not roll off the tongue too easily. He didn't feel strongly about wanting me to take his name, and I wanted to keep my own surname, so that's what we agreed upon.
It has worked fine for us. Posts: 5771 | Registered: Nov 2000
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I had friends that were planning on blending their last names, Sanders and Allen, into Salender, but they chickened out at tha last minute and went with the more traditional approach.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
Well if you want a flippant and completely sincere opinion, I think Jamie Novak has a very good ring to it, both visually and verbally. It's a very strong and striking name.
Jamie Taylor is more mundane, and less striking. It's somewhat softer and flowy-er.
I plan to change my last name if I like the person I marry's name more than my own. If not, then I'm sticking with what I've got .
EDIT: But Salender is so very cool.
It would be awful trying to trace ancestors a couple of generations down the line though.
quote:his reasons were all for ease of the family being identified as the family - to which I finally suggested if that were truly the case and so important to him, then I certainly was willing to share MY last name -
Like I said.
I do agree that it's better if everyone in the same immediate family has the same family name. That's why it's called a "family" name. For ease of identification and all. It's a product of our culture's history that it happens to be the husband whose name is kept.
I can't speak for this particular man. He may well have been the power-tripping sort; never having met him, I couldn't say. But I can assure all the ladies here, purely by speaking for myself, that not all men who oppose the decay of this custom do so because it's a power trip.
Posts: 1814 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
I'm torn on the traditionalness of the issue. It is nice to have everyone with the same name in a family. Then you can sum them up with a simple "The Joneses" for example.
However, no one outside of my immediate family except for my Grandfather and Grandmother who are divorced anyway have the same name as me. The rest (there are very few of us) have different surnames. So there was never a big happy bumbling family group to begin with.
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Isn't it Teshi? I was really hoping that they'd actually do it. I love the sound of it, and I like the idea of forging a new name together.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
My husband didn't/doesn't care. It's completely unimportant to him.
BUT there's the culture behind this. He has the same last name as his father. But his father's father has a completely different last name, as does the father before that, and so on, and so on. That was a part of HIS culture. And this is fairly common here. And all told, he has 6 names, and I had 4 but now have 5.
I've also been told - and I could be wrong, but it was by someone who lived there - that in Quebec, a woman cannot legally take on her husband's name until after they've been married for a year. Apparently, it has to do with divorce being too common and the expense of all the paperwork. Makes sense to me.
I also agree with earlier comments about Jamie Novak having more impact as a name than Jamie Taylor.
The bottom line, though, is what you want, and what you and your husband can live with. No one else's opinion means squat.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Well our neighbors who are married but have two different names we'll still call "the Joneses". As long as one of them has the name we know who it is.
edited to add: two posts snuck in there while i was writing that!
quote: If you already have a middle name, there's no harm in another. You'd be in company with people like J.R.R. Tolkien and C.P.E. Bach, and that can't be bad.
I have four names. People with four names are cool.
posted
Yeah, people do that Joneses bit to us, too, and it's fine. Or sometimes, it's (as an example) the Smith- Joneses, even though we didn't do the hyphenated thing.
Edited: two posts snuck in while I was responding, also
[ January 04, 2005, 12:02 AM: Message edited by: Ela ]
Posts: 5771 | Registered: Nov 2000
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posted
When I was engaged, I fully intended to just add his name on at the end and use two middle initials. I would have gone from Liza J. Wiliams on all official paperwork to Liza J. W. A--------. It worked for me.
Plus, after a lifetime of being called last alphabetically, I was looking forward to moving to the front of the line. Not like that happens so often once you're out of school.
Since you have published under your maiden name, mack, I can totally see continuing to use it professionally and using his socially and legally, so the entire family has the same last name. I agree that that is nice if you're going to have kids, although certainly not necessary.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I've never really cared that much. I'm not very attached to my name and I assume I'll take my husbands name. In my family, though, we're still identified as family even though my aunt has a different last name. I don't know how to say this without telling my last name which I'm not comfortable saying. Say my name was Smith. When we say things like, "It's a Smith thing." or, "All the Smith's are like that." or "You're being such a Smith right now." it applies to my aunt as much as it doesn't apply to my mom or my aunt that married into the family.
That was really rambling and I'm not sure it made any sense, so I hope someone gets something out of it.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
Although I am the last in a line, I am all about giving up my name, preferably for one beginning with a "B". Then my initials would be KGB, and that would just be cool.
Posts: 1090 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
One of my uncles has a family name: Joseph Taylor, no middle name. It's been going on since my great great grandfather emigrated from Scotland. So my uncle Joe was the only one of my dad's four siblings to have boys.
My dad and his two other brothers each had two girls.
posted
Taylor and Novak are both nice names and easy to spell. An important consideration from someone who married into a long, unpronounceable Polish name.
I legally took the long last name so that I could share the same last name with the kids, but I use my maiden name for business and to make dinner reservations.
I have a friend who was given his mother's maiden name as his middle name. I thought doing that was a cool tribute to his mom's family.
Posts: 2425 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
In latino culture, you take your mother's last name as your second last name. So while I'm the fourth generation with the same first three names, I'm unique because of my fourth one.
-o-
Frisco: EDIT: I'm sure there's a funny bit of innuendo in there, but I'm not quite getting it . . .
posted
Jamie Novak sounds great, like your a rogue assassin who used to work for the US government but you've ended that association after a shady deal in Argentina that didn't quite come off right and money is your one true love until you meet the man of your dreams and give up your old and lawless ways so you can focus on being a good wife to him. Possibly there's a sequel in which your old crowd finds you and wants to get back at you for the Slovakian hit that you carried off without a hitch except for the part where you executed the ambassador from Yugoslavia instead of the minority party candidate and now you have to try to fight off this less than reputable (and less than skilled, though they more than make up for it in numbers) crowd while at the same time trying to keep the secret from your new husband who still thinks you just served drinks in the airport bar he went to when the business trip to Chicago got delayed due to inclement weather in, of all places, Miami.
Seriously though, I think Jamie Novak sounds great, and that's my input.
posted
I was a secretary for a woman named Christine - who went by Chris. She got engaged to a guy named Christian - who went by Chris. He insisted that she use his last name. In her case, I think it might have made more sense to keep her maiden name, at least professionally, but since I wasn't part of the relationship I stayed out of it. I just thought it was funny and imagined the possibilities for mistaken identity.
If, when I got married, I had a professional life, I might have kept the maiden name for work purposes but used my husband's name for personal and church purposes.
Considering the shaky condition of my marriage, I've thought about the possibility of changing back to my maiden name if we ever got divorced and decided that I wouldn't do that. I would keep my married name, which I've had more than half my life, and still have the same last name as my kids.
Posts: 2034 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
As someone recently married, I actually enjoyed changing my last name. I got to go down to the Social Security office and laugh at all the people who looked like they were on drugs...ah, the good times.
Really, as much trouble as I gave my new husband about my new name being comprised of two mis-spelled spanish names, it was kind of fun partaking of this marriage custom.
posted
The idea of changing a name you've had all your life used to seem very strange to me. I couldn't believe people would actually do that. But then I started thinking of myself as Tatiana. <laughs>
So yeah I think you both should legally change your names to your screennames. "Do you, mackillian, take this man, T_Smith...?" Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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I'm keeping my name for two reasons - the first is I like the sound of it better. Imogen Eaton just sounds funny to me.
The second is I've done a lot as Imogen Saunders - finished one degree, almost finished another, wrote (and hopefully published) my dissertation, won quite a few academic prizes - that I'm very proud of. A lot of which is related to my career. So I want to keep that association.
(As an aside - Tony and I have talked about what he would do if the custom were different. He would keep his name for the exact reason above - he has done a lot as Anthony Eaton, including his books, and would want to continue with that name.)
My Mum kept her name also. That may be influencing me.
But really, the biggest thing for me is how it sounds. Jamie Novak sounds good. Imogen Eaton does not. Posts: 466 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Off subject, but I have to say that Imogen is one of the coolest first names I've ever heard. If I ever have a daughter, Imogen is high on the list of names I'll be putting forth.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
I've already decided to take Bernard's last name when I get married--it'll also be a radical differenece between "Wallace" and "Yu" (guess which one's mine and which one's his ). And yes, I have practiced making "Yu" twice as long so my first name won't waaaaaaay overbalance the last one. I like both names, anyway: Maribeth Wallace or Maribeth Yu (although this one is usually followed by an explicative).
I also have a friend who got married last year and didn't take her husband's (or her daughter's) last name. Of course, the real reason she didn't take it was because she didn't even want to get married in the first place, but I don't think that's the issue here.
Edit to Add: I saw "Imogetten Eaton" instead of "Imogen". Woah.
posted
It's a personal decision Jamie, but I think you should go with whatever makes you comfortable, and that Nate is okay with.
When I got married, I kept my maiden name. My maiden name is unusual (anyone else you hear with this last name is related to me in some way) and my father had all girls. I was very proud of my father and wished to keep his name.
My husband had no problem with this because he hated his biological father (whose name he carries) and didn't seen any reason for me to change from my maiden name to the more common and mundane "Sims" which was his last name.
We agreed together, then, to give my oldest son my last name (my maiden name) as his last name, to carry on my family name. My other two kids have hypenated last names, but choose to just use the "Sims" (the second part of the hypenation) most of the time because it is easier for them. It has not been a problem at all for my kids to have different last names. This is so very common in this society that it isn't even given a second glance.
My two cents, Farmgirl
p.s. - I want to add -- I think it was very wrong of your shrink to laugh at you. For some people, our name is a very important part of our identity and autonomy.
posted
My wife went through the same mental debate before we were married. I told her it was up to her and that I was fine with whatever path she chose. She ended up changing her middle name to Johnson (her maiden name).
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
When I was young, innocent and feminist, I always figured I would keep my maiden name if I ever got married. Why would I take the man's name, and yadda yadda yadda. But when I met Vinnie I started to think a lot about it, and it changed my mind. I want to have the same name as my family (meaning my husband and children) AND I find it normal that this name is my husband's name, because when we're not in adoption cases, the woman bears the child for nine month, which is a gift, and the father gives his name.
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But that's me. And LOL@pop.
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