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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." (I especially love this one)
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines"
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."!
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Posts: 2425 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
Reminds me of Christine Lavin's edit of "A musical apology". It used to say "I didn't mean it when I said I hope the plane burst into flames as it carries you away from me." But she thought that was too creepy to say in our modern world so she wondered what is horrible but not life threateneing that can happen on a plane, and just then the flight attnedant spilled hot coffee in the lap of the man next to her.
Posts: 2010 | Registered: Apr 2003
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When I was flying home for Christmas on Southwest, the captain came on toward the end of the flight and told us we were going to do the "Southwest stretch." He instructed us to "Put your hands up -- yes, you! -- and then stretch to the left...to the right...now stretch forward and check the pocket on the seatback in front of your for garbage or belongings."
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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I was on a plane where the steward and stewardess liked to sing. We had a plane related Elvis song and a version of We'll be Comin' Round the Mountain about comin round the cabin to pick up the garbage. It was probably the best flight I've ever had. It was so fun. Posts: 1547 | Registered: Jan 2004
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On my Southwest flight the other day, the usual "Welcome to Hartford" announcement was followed by one of the flight attendants singing over the loudspeaker (to the tune of that annoying song from Barney): "We love you, you love us, we're much faster than a bus..."
quote: A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
No really, I almost fell out of my chair from laughing on that one. I was laughing so hard there was no noise coming out of my mouth other than the sound of the back of my throat vibrating.
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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The other day, on Southwest, traveling to SLC we had 3 flight attendants. One male and two females.
The females were demonstrating the safety procedures and the male was narrating. He started by introducing himself and then introduced the two female attendants as his ex-wife and his new girlfriend.
I didn't think it was too funny till I looked up and saw the face on the female attendant. She certainly was not expecting that comment.
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The Southwest attendants are actually given lists of jokes that they can use. I've heard they have it posted on their website or something.
The Southwest attendants are always very personable, and frequently very funny. I love how they are open about their lack of in-flight meals, their cheapness, and their laid-back attitude Posts: 3636 | Registered: Oct 2001
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quote:And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!
I've also had this one announced on a flight. Not with Delta, granted, but it was definitely a "Our flight attendants are incredible, except the three you have on board right now."
Posts: 3932 | Registered: Sep 1999
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I heard these two in person on a Useless Air flight from Laguardia to Rochester NY.
quote: Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."!
And for the Christine Lavin folks: "I'm a fly on a plane" "How did you get there? I'll say I flew! Those San Antonio flies will say: woo woo I got immense respect for you!"
Posts: 3735 | Registered: Mar 2002
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I've been on two Southwest flights with singing flight attendants. I think it was two. I remember one for sure, the other one not so much. It helps very much with the insanity of "blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube". Those were fun flights.
Posts: 1056 | Registered: Mar 2002
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Anyone reminded of the scene in Tommy Boy where Chris Farley and David Spade get aboard a fully booked flight to Chicago by pretending to be flight attendants?
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