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Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey Happy Birthday Jesus. Hope you like crap!

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And in Connecticut, where I live, a house race was won by a margin of just two votes. Well that's good. My vote still wouldn't have made any difference at all.

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Researchers have developed a so called 'red wine pill' which gives all of the benefits of red wine without the alcohol. Yeah, it's called a grape.

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This week Disney released a new CD featuring a rapping Mickey Mouse. To avoid controversy, the CD will not include the controversial hit single 'Cat Killer'.

And in a related story, this week marked the 5000th performance of the Broadway musical "Cats". It also marked the 5000th time a guy turned to his wife and said, "What the hell is this?"

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The food and drug administration announced today that while one ounce of Special K with 4 ounces of milk is a good dietary source of protein, one ounce of Special K with 5 ounces of milk is deadly poison.

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Well, the Grammy award nominations were announced this week, and it was a lucky day for singer Billy Ray Cyrus. Apparently he found a five dollar bill in a taxi.

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In Walnut Creek California, any one who turns in his gun can get free therapy. And anyone who doesn't turn in his gun, can get free anything.

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Officials in Disney World have ordered their ride 'The Extra-Terror-Esetrial' to be shut down until it can be made scarier. When the attraction reopens in two weeks, it will be exactly the same, but missing six bolts.

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Was OJ Simpson high on speed the night of the murders? "Absolutely not," said defense attorney Johnny Cochran today, "and a simple test of any of OJ's blood found at the crime scene will prove it."

It was revealed today that O.J. Simpson told police that Nicole Brown Simpson used to beat him up. He also claimed that she and Ron Goldman killed him.

And in court, this week, Kato Kaelin testified that OJ Simpson did not appear angry before, or after, the period of his wife's murder. But Kaelin admitted he could have been a touch edgy while he was actually murdering her.

Our top story tonight, a shocking new development in the OJ Simpson case. Late this afternoon, a high ranking official in the Los Angeles Police Department admitted to Geraldo Rivera that the police did conspire to frame OJ Simpson for the murder of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. However, they called the conspiracy off when they got to the murder scene and found that OJ really did do it.

Against the Jets last week, Buffalo Bills running back Thurman Thomas broke O.J. Simpson's career rushing record. And, the week before he surpassed Simpson in career touchdowns. Next up for Thomas -- an attempt to kill 3 people at once.

(The week after O.J. Simpson is found not guilty):
Well, it's official: Murder is legal in the state of California.

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New medical research shows that man and women have different food cravings, men preferring meat and women preferring sweets. Scientists trace this back to caveman days when men had to go out and hunt for food, while women sat on their fat asses eating chocolates.

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This week, fighting along the Northern Iraqi border escalated as 20,000 Turkish troops, backed by warplanes and helicopters, launched a massive attack against a tribe of Kurdish rebels. In retaliation, the Kurds fired back with their secret weapon -- the tiny clump of dirt.

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In the Midwest last week, Bob Dole charged that if President Clinton is re-elected, he'll put Hillary Clinton in charge of welfare reform. Asked to respond, President Clinton said, 'Yes, it's true. Also Chelsea will be secretary of state and my brother Roger will take over as drug czar. Oh and one more thing -- I'm still gonna win.'

According to a new CNN poll, Republican candidate Bob Dole now trails President Clinton by 15 points. A Dole campaign spokesman says that, despite these numbers, it is still possible for them to reach their ultimate goal to lose by seven points.

While jogging on the beach in San Diego this weekend, President Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him, quote, 'You're a draft-dodging, yellow-bellied liar and you're a disgrace to the office of the presidency, to your gender and to this nation!' and then added, 'And I'm still voting for you.'

In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strong enough to handle the pain of losing the Presidential Election. Although he did admit that the shock of winning would give him a giant heart attack.

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Last week in Arizona, Marine Corps Engineers extended a steel barrier between the United States and Mexico by two and a half miles. It's all part of a plan to make illegal aliens walk an extra two and a half miles.

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This week Dr. Kervorkian was granted an emergency 30-day permit to carry a handgun, after telling a court he fears 'right-wing nuts.' But if you ask me, I think he's just getting a little lazy.

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And finally, 'Weekend Update' would like to congratulate Madonna, who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Monday. The baby weighed in at six pounds, nine ounces, making it the fourth largest object ever to pass through Madonna's birth canal.

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Well this week Attorney General Janet Reno charged software giant Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the internet, and has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per day. Analysts say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be broke just ten years after the earth crashes into the sun.

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Finally, psychiatrist Kurt Freund, one of the worlds leading experts on the study of deviant sexual arousal, passed away last week at the age of 82. Dr. Freund's last words were, 'Whatever happens to me, could someone please make sure that the headline on my obituary does not contain the phrase "deviant sexual arousal"? Would that be to much to ask from you, you dirty bastards.'

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Posts: 2804 | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | 

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New medical research shows that man and women have different food cravings, men preferring meat and women preferring sweets. Scientists trace this back to caveman days when men had to go out and hunt for food, while women sat on their fat asses eating chocolates.

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Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999  |  IP: Logged |