posted
How do you tell if someone "likes" you? Either i don't have the mechanism in my brain that recivce the singnals to tell or in the worst case scenario in my 27 years of life noone ever has.
So i put the question to the Great Minds and Hearts of Hatrack. How do you tell?
Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2005
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Well, if that person hangs with you all the time, if he helps you with stuff that nobody else would help you with and then, when you thank him he says "No problem, it was my pleasure", if he comes to see you at odd times, then there's a chance he likes you.
If he becomes shy when he's talking to you... If he laughs at your jokes, no matter how lame. If he tells you "why do you go out with that scumbag when there's better out there"... If he brings you chocolate for no reason... If he just sits there and looks at you... If he hasn't dated anyone in a long time, though he's nice and all...
That, and if he kisses you, then he definitely likes you! Posts: 4519 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Disclaimer: I have very little dating experience. But here's my $.02...
Have you tried acting slightly interested in someone? Doing a little flirting? If they like you and they've been sending signals, they'll be watching for that, most likely. Then they'll become more obviously interested, and maybe you'll figure it out. Or not. Good luck!
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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How do you get it to happen? That, actually, is much simpler (to explain), although it is harder than anything else to do. What I'm about to say is grossly unfair, and I apologize in advance, but I do think it is true. (I also realize that I'm answering a different question than you asked, but that is the privilege of being withered and gray. When you are a cranky elder, you get to take off on meandering tangents. One of the nicest perks of the job. )
You have to not want it to happen. You have to not care. I know, I know -- you've heard this before, and you've tried. But how do you make yourself not care when it's something you want so badly? How do you erase that niggling little bit that is always watching, always wanting, always ready to pounce on the signs that This Might Be the One?
You can't sit in the corner of the room and not think of polar bears, not when you are trying to avoid that. It's a paradox. The only thing that works is to find something else to be even more passionate about than yourself.
I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter too much what it is. Playing the bagpipes, Habitat for Humanity work, choral singing, orienteering, pole vaulting, 18th century poetry, what have you. Whatever it is, whatever you find bigger than yourself that you can devote yourself to, do it whole-heartedly.
Burn at it. Excel at it. If you suck at it, then be the biggest, most passionate, most informed, and most practiced sucker in the game there is. Love it for itself.
This works. It works because you don't smell desperate anymore (and we always smell desperate when we are looking, even if we pretend to ourselves that we don't -- it's that darned Principle of Least Interest again. Rats!). It works because the only sure way to be interesting is to be interested in something else.
And it works because when you fall in love with something bigger, when you devote yourself to a worthy goal, then the goal itself becomes the reward. And a rewarded, happy, interested person smells really really sweet. We all want some a' that.
Or you could just be physically very beautiful. Sometimes that works for awhile, too. It's more precarious and transitory, though, and it tends to attract a messload of jerks.
*puffs pipe and trails off contentedly
"Back in the Great War, we waren't no more than whippersnappers ourselves ..." zzzzz ...
Yeah, well... I for instance am not really that type of guy. I might like a girl a little bit without stressing about it, but then the "love" part comes from me wanting to get more involved in the relationship. I was never "struck" by love... Nor do I think there's a "One" for me. Hey, the first time I ever heard someone talk about "the One" was when I was around 21-22 and I thought: "Wow, you're really optimistic!" (he is... and no, it wasn't in "Matrix"!) I never thought of it that way. I think that you can make a lot happen if you really want to, that's all. Pay attention to what she likes. Be there for her when she needs someone. Know her first. Don't fall in love first and then find out who she really is.
But then again, I'm young, what do I know? :bows to CT's supperior knowledge:
Posts: 4519 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
(Dahling, by now I'm onto the time when I led the storming of the beach at Normandy. Side digression off to lead the elephants over the Himalayas, or the Grand Canyon, or some such. *grin
Pay no attention to the nattering old bat in the corner.
Listen to her. She is wise. And utterly un-cranky elder-ish, despite her assertions.
On an vaguely related note, does anyone else wonder if part of the function of some religions is to help people fall and stay in love? Perhaps the shared 'goal' helps bind people together in ways some more 'earthly' activities or interests cannot?
*shrug* It's nearly two in the morning and I'm probably not making sense. Sigh.
I have to reiterate CT's sage words of wisdom: you have to not care. This angle, as it were, seems to bring them out of the wordwork in droves.
It's hard advice to follow (Don't think of a pink elephant!) but if you can do it and just concentrate on what you like doing, and get out of the house for your own sake, romantical-type stuff just happens. Honestly, I think the traditional ways and the traditional venues for the dating scene don't work because everyone's looking. It's creepy. Verrry creepy.
So my advice to you is as follows: take care of yourself and let good things happen to you. Also, be kind to people who are interested in you but in whom you are not interested. This does not mean string them along. It means be honest, give them the space they need, and care about the outcome.
posted
Yes, Zotto!. And from all indications, they will keep you really really clean and fight with you over your bowl of stinkies.
On a side note, as I was falling asleep last night, I became convinced I'd already had children but had accidentally left them at the busstop some years ago. This was most worrisome. Thankfully, when I awoke my husband to ask about "Daniel," he knew how to handle it.
Corwin is absolutely correct that you have to pay attention, to care, to be a good friend. I'd submit that this works best (as an angle, "as it were" (thanks, bunbun!)) when you apply this equally and across-the-board to all your friends.
There is something impossible that you have to do: balance being loving and giving while still maintaining your own boundaries -- being interested and caring without wanting and being desperate. When you love well, you open yourself up to being loved well. But you also open yourself up to being sucked dry by psychic vampires and to using other people's need as an ultimately self-destructive tool to prove to yourself that you are worthy. It's a tricky thing. It takes a lot of practice to live a life well.
(Good grief, the Quest is getting harder and harder, isn't it?)
quote:There is something impossible that you have to do: balance being loving and giving while still maintaining your own boundaries -- being interested and caring without wanting and being desperate. When you love well, you open yourself up to being loved well. But you also open yourself up to being sucked dry by psychic vampires and to using other people's need as an ultimately self-destructive tool to prove to yourself that you are worthy.
Jeez, that is exACTly what I've been trying to put into words for months. Thanks, CT. Posts: 1595 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
I can give you some advice as to how to tell a girl (don't know if that's the sex you're interested in, but it's the only one I know) is interested in you body-language wise, but keep in mind that it rarely works very well for novices.
There's three main things you want to look for contact, whether you affect her, and how open her body is.
Contact: Bodily contact is of course the best overall sign. If the girl touches you when she doesn't have to, it's a very good sign. Usually it will be light touches with the hands, tapping, brushing, picking something imaginary off your shirt, etc. It is important to remember, however, that any one instance of contact is not a great sign. Rather, it's the pattern of repetition. Often, if you're making a connection, the touching will escalate over the course of an interaction.
Eye contact is both a more common and more easily missable indication of attraction. A girl who is interested in you will keep glancing at you. Often, they will attempt to make eye contact (other cases dealt with in the affect section). If a girl appears to be trying to make eye contact with you, she's probably interested. If she smiles when you make eye contact, she's saying "You should come over here now."
Affect: The classic sign of attraction is a dilated pupil. Pupils dilate (get bigger) when people are looking at something they like and contract when they are looking at something they don't like. If someone is looking at you thinking about how cool you are, their pupils will get bigger. Light affects this of course, so it's most reliable in medium light as opposed to glaring sunglight or like a movie theater.
Another pretty good sign of attraction is if she is affected by your presence. Where you're near, she'll display more energy, normally more nervous energy. If you're sensitive to this, you can actually feel the nervous energy even if you don't consciously realize it. There are visible signs to look for. The biggest one is fiddling with things: her hair, her watch, her clothes, etc. Often, this behavior will be ostentatious (e.g. the classic hair flip) in an attempt to catch your eye.
I mentioned eyed contact above. A lot of times, the girl isn't going to make eye contact. Instead, she'll meet your glance very briefly and then look away while displaying signs of agitation. She's likely just as interested in you as the girl who makes eye contact, but she's shyer/more skittish. Go over and talk to her, but don't be suprised if she's initially shocked and a little defensive. If you stay warm and interested, she'll lose her nervousness.
There's also the phenomenom of mimicry. IF a girl's looking at you, you can try some distincive but not weird motion, like looking at your watch. If she looks at her watch (or adjusts her shirt sleeve or whatever) after you do it, she might be unconsciously copying your actions, which is a sign of attraction. An interesting corollary to this is yawning. If you're in something like a classroom situation, you can test out whether someone's checking you out by yawning (or faking a yawn) and then checking to see if they yawn after you do. The yawn's highly contageous (you've probably yawned just from reading this) and can tell you if someone is paying attention to you.
Openness: This one is often much harder to get the hang of. Basically, there are body positions that convey the person's unconscious openess or closedness to you. Crossed anything is a bad sign (keeping in mind that some girls are taught from childhood to always keep their legs crossed), while open arms and legs and ungaurded eyes are a good sign. Body relaxtion (other than signs of nervous agitation) is a good thing. If she's in a position where you can see her hands and inner wrists, also good sign, unless they look like she's trying to push you away. If her shoulders are centered on you, good thing. Finally, if she leans towards you, it's a great sign that she's interested.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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quote: The biggest one is fiddling with things: her hair, her watch, her clothes, etc.
If you're actually on a date, and out for dinner or drinks and having wine/cocktails, watch what she does with her glass. If she just picks it up and drinks and puts it down or holds it, bad. If she plays with it, particularly running her hand over the stem of the glass, she's probably thinking about touching you.
Not that I'm giving away one of my tells or anything. Not in the slightest.
The rest of Squicky's advice is very good, too.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I think it is often impossible to tell if someone likes you. Sure, there are those times that you "just know", and when you feel that way back, it is the best thing in the world.
But I know for a fact that on more than one occasion a guy has liked me, I found out later, and I thought, "That's ridiculous! He didn't *act* like he liked me!" But other people could tell too. It was me that had the "blind-spot". I think we all have our blind-spots, and sometimes how someone else feels for you is one of them. It is so hard to be objective about ourselves.
I have a question though. I know there are a lot of cliches propigated in the media that just don't reflect reality. One that puzzles me is how often men in TV shows and movies are quick to say, "Oh yeah, she *totally* digs me" especially when they are wrong, so that the audience can laugh at them. But women are hardly ever portrayed this way. How much truth is there to this, I ask the collective mind of Hatrack? Guys, girls, anyone, what has been your experience? To certain guys lean towards the fault of thinking women dig them who really don't? All I know is that for myself I am *far* more likely to err on the side of thinking they *don't* dig me.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
About Mr. Squicky's advice. I think all my life I tend to give off the impression to *many* different guys that I like them when I don't because I naturally give off many of those signals. Usually it is just my way of trying to "connect" with someone. It may be seen as flirting, and maybe it is. But it usually is *not* a good indicator since I do it to almost any guy.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I used to see signs of interest everywhere. Some of it I liked, some frightened me, all of it intrigued me. (This was before my dating days in college.) None of my assumptions or conclusions ever panned out, so I was pretty obsessed with figuring it all out.
Now I care less, I see it less, but sometimes I look carefully for it. I have had the pleasure of being told that I was called "a Remarkable woman" by a very remarkable man recently. He said this to my husband, so it's cool.
First of all, ignore all advice on reading "clues". Clues are the worst way ever devised to try to communicate. You can never trust them, and they will lead to misunderstanding and hearache. Don't let your life to turn into a sitcom where nobody communicates honestly.
I recommend the direct approach.
Many times I have said basically "I like you. I think you might like me. I would like to try to develop a relationship with you. How do you feel about that?"
Posts: 1002 | Registered: Feb 2005
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quote: I have a question though. I know there are a lot of cliches propigated in the media that just don't reflect reality. One that puzzles me is how often men in TV shows and movies are quick to say, "Oh yeah, she *totally* digs me" especially when they are wrong, so that the audience can laugh at them. But women are hardly ever portrayed this way. How much truth is there to this, I ask the collective mind of Hatrack? Guys, girls, anyone, what has been your experience? To certain guys lean towards the fault of thinking women dig them who really don't? All I know is that for myself I am *far* more likely to err on the side of thinking they *don't* dig me.
I almost always err on the side of oblivous. There have been many times that somebody liked me, but I was clueless.
I've never thought somebody liked me and been mistaken.
Posts: 1002 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
Part of it is the "cocky arrogance" these male TV and movie characters are always shown having. I just don't buy it. But then I didn't buy they whole "guys like watching lesbians" cliche either, until I was shown to be wrong.
It does makes me wonder if there is something inside of certain guys that does respond that way, and these shows are just exaggerating it.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I'd counter that people are a lot more dishonest in spoken language than they are with what they express with unconscious body language. For example, I've been able to tell people when their girlfriend was going to break up with them at a time when they had no clue.
The signs I'm talking about work, but they're only really good for the initial parts of an interaction, where asking someone "Do you like me?" is generally going to have poor results. It's somewhat different for someone you've known for a while (not the signs, but the effectiveness of directness. I don't do crushes though, so my advice there is less sure.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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quote:The signs I'm talking about work, but they're only really good for the initial parts of an interaction, where asking someone "Do you like me?" is generally going to have poor results.
I've had great results with that approach.
Of course, that might be because I was never interested in starting a relationship with somebody unless we already knew each other well enough that I could ask the question and get an honest answer.
Posts: 1002 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
CT's post is definately what I tell people as well. The other reason it's good is because you end up actually living and loving your life and it's so much healthier.
I think it's hard to come up with general rules to tell if someone likes you. I think part of it is because it depends on the person. Some people actually withdraw in certain ways if they are interested. Others will become much more forward. I personally have always just sorta noticed something in someone. But if you're curious as to if someone is interested you could try my experimental method. I always set up little experiments that you can't draw conclusions from individually but can tally up over time. (gah the scientist in me comes out) Things like inviting the person places and to activities. Especially if these activities obviously don't always have other people around. *shrug* One of my guy friends says this is manipulative. I'm not sure I agree. I think it's probably closer to my being cautious and chicken. Posts: 872 | Registered: Mar 2002
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quote:Origially posted by beverly I have a question though. I know there are a lot of cliches propigated in the media that just don't reflect reality. One that puzzles me is how often me in TV shows and movies are quick to say, "Oh yeah, she *totally* digs me" especially when they are wrong, so that the audience can laugh at them. But women are hardly ever portrayed this way. How much truth is there to this, I ask the collective mind of Hatrack? Guys, girls, anyone, what has been your experience? To certain guys lean towards the fault of thinking women dig them who really don't?
The comically delusional "She *totally* digs me" is much rarer than the confident/arrogant "I've got it all so *of course* she digs me."
I've known both.
Posts: 349 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Zamphyr, did it tend to come from guys, girls, or a mix of the two? I really am interested in knowing how much truth there is behind this TV myth.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I like the direct question, but I think what it was preceded with is very important.
"Is something going on? Do you like me?" is a completely different question from "I like you. Do you like me?"
Posts: 1163 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
I think the best way to figure it out is to ask the object of your affections out. If you're rejected, then you score a point in the Hatrack Six Rejections Game. If not, then you've got a date. Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
Good point, Katie. In the second example, the person is willing to take a risk, put part of themselves on the line. The first example demands the other takes the risk while attempting to remain safe. Not admirable, IMO.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I have the same problem/question as DW. I have just such a situation with a guy at school and it's driving me insane. What am I supposed to do? Grr..stupid teenage years.
posted
Added: This was to Ivy. In case Kwea confused you.
"Hey X*! You doing anything this weekend? Wanna catch a movie? Cool, how aboutY**? I'll meet you at the theater Saturday at 4:30***"
*Insert interest's name here.
**Have a movie that you want to see and think he might also be interested in ready to suggest, so you don't just stand there going "I don't know, is there anything you want to see?" when he says yes.
***Know the start time of the movie. Preperation is important.
****If he says he's busy, just say "Well maybe some other time, let me know" and move on. Next time he's around smile and be friendly, but don't suggest something else unless he brings it up. If he says he's interested but doesn't want to see that show, negotiate a different one. If he says he's interested but this weekend doesn't work but he'll call you, wait for him to call. If he says no, he's not interested, say "Okay, then have a great weekend!" with a smile on your face, walk away, and go post on twinky's rejection thread, you got yourself a point. You also get a point if he says some other time and that he'll call and doesn't, I think, but I'm not the judge.
posted
I just had to bump this in case people didn't see ElJay's brilliant advice.
The only time I can see it not working is when you're already friends with the person, in which case they might just want to go see a movie with you anyway... I find that the hardest situation - being attracted to someone you're friends with, so you can't try something like ElJay's method on them, but not close enough to just ask outright and know your friendship will survive if they say no. Particularly in high school.
If it's a mere acquaintance, what have you got to lose? More importantly, what have you got to gain! It's a win win situation! Posts: 1431 | Registered: Aug 2003
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quote: I find that the hardest situation - being attracted to someone you're friends with, so you can't try something like ElJay's method on them, but not close enough to just ask outright and know your friendship will survive if they say no. Particularly in high school.
I gotta technique for that, too, if you want it. Only works for girls.
And thanks, tt&t, for the complimentary bump. Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Remind me never to play poker with you MrSquicky.
If I really like a girl, I will ask her out regardless of whether I think she likes me or not. Dating is hard enough without you rejecting yourself before other people have the chance to know you.
When you ask someone out, you are paying them a compliment. You're saying, "I think you're a neat person and I would like to get to know you better." Your affection is a gift, not a burden. Posts: 4116 | Registered: Apr 2002
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