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Author Topic: My Abuela died today
Icarus
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I suppose this really should go in the hug thread or someplace else instead of cluttering up the front page, but I find that I want some comforting/attention.

My father just called me about an hour ago to tell me that my grandmother just passed away.

One of the upsides of having almost no family in this country is that I've never before lost somebody this close to me. Her death does not exactly come as a surprise, so I'm not overwhelmed or anything, but . . . I don't know . . .

From my 5,000th post:

quote:
My grandmother is in her early eighties, and in the space of four years or so has gone from an unbelievably spry woman who took care of herself and was active in her church and in ministering to those less fortunate, to living in a nursing room and not being able to remember which room is hers, and alleging that they do not feed her when they quite clearly do. I owe what childhood I did have to her, because she saw my parents' inadequacies and took it upon herself to compensate for them. I have never been as close to her as an adult as I was as a child, because she could never get used to seeing me any other way than as a child of four or so, but I owe her more than I can express. I am not ready to lose her either.
I'm sure I've written about her at more length here, and if I could find the posts I would quote them as kind of a tribute, but other than looking at my landmarks, which was an obvious step, I don't know how to begin to search for anything else I've written, so I'll just leave it at that. The best moments of my childhood were spent in her tiny little one bedroom partially subsidized apartment in Little Havana in Miami, where there was no insanity, just a boundless amound of love and devotion.

About a month or so she had a double stroke, I think it was. I was apparently either the last person to talk to her before it or the first person to talk to her after it, or perhaps both. I called her assisted living facility in Miami (she never wanted to leave Miami) and she was not communicative, just making incoherent noises, like she was trying to talk but unable to. I talked to her anyway for a few minutes. The nurse told me that she was fine just a moment ago, and she had just gone unresponsive this instant. Next I heard she was in the hospital.

My father and daughters and I visited her in the hospital shortly after. She was in the same state, but would become more alert for moments at a time. She told us she loved us, and you could see the effort it was taking just to be lucid. Interestingly enough she seemed to me to be more coherent in English than in Spanish . . . nobody else but me seemed to pick up on this. I thought that migh be some weird brain/stroke thing. But I still talked to her in Spanish because I figured that if I spoke to her in English everyone there would think I was an idiot. So maybe I was performing more than I was communicating. :-\ But anyway, she knew we were there, and she knew we love her.

A couple of days ago my father told me that he had made arrangements with a friend of hers for her to call him when she visited my grandmother, so that he could call my grandmother, and this friend would put the phone where she would be able to hear it. He spoke to her for a little while today. She did not respond, but her friend told my father that her eyes opened while he was talking to her (she had not opened her eyes, nor had she been eating by herself, for two or three days). He called me so that I would know her friend was there, so I called her too. I spoke to her for about ten minutes today. She did not reply, but I told her about everything that was going on in our lives. My wife suggested that I speak to her in English, but I felt foolish, so I spoke to her in Spanish anyway. (I guess it would not have made a difference.)

After about ten minutes I could not think of anything else to say. I told her that we all loved her. I wasn't sure if whoever was there would pick up the phone again and talk to me or not, so I waited silently for about three more minutes, and finally I hung up.

I may possibly have been the last person to talk to her at any length.

[Frown]

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Dagonee
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[Frown]

((Icarus))

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rivka
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I'm very sorry for you loss, Joe. *hug*
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Elizabeth
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I'm so sorry, Icarus.
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dkw
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((Icarus))

It's good that you got to talk to her, even if she couldn't respond. My grandmother died in a similar situation, mostly unresponsive, not having eaten for 3-4 days. I was there with her, and she did communicate a little about 20 minutes before she died, so I know she could still hear us right to the end. It's likely your grandmother also could listen, even if she couldn't make herself heard over the phone.

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ludosti
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I'm so sorry. [Frown] I hope that your fond memories of her will comfort you as you mourn her loss.

Like Dana said, it is a good thing that you were able to talk with her. I am very thankful that I was able to talk with both of my grandfathers shortly before they died (in one case, it was about 30 mins, the other was a couple days).

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Storm Saxon
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It's good that you got to talk to her before she passed away, Joe, and I'm very sorry for your loss.
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Kwea
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Joe, JenniK and I are very sorry for your loss. I have very fond memories about my grandama, and still think of her often. Jenni was very close to her grandma as well.

You are in our thoughts and prayers.


Kwea

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Tante Shvester
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Condolences and sincere sympathy. May your family and friends be a comfort to you at this time.
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Mrs.M
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I am so, so sorry for your loss.
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Diana Bailey
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Joe, I'm so very sorry your grandmother died. I was really touched by your wonderful memories of her when everything else sounds like it was pretty bleak. May the love you shared carry you through the difficult days ahead. [Frown]
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jexx
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Icky,

I lost my grandma this year, too. It's hard. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Don't be hard on yourself about the Spanish/English thing. I understand.

Sending prayers and love to you and your family.

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imogen
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[Frown]

quote:
My grandmother is in her early eighties, and in the space of four years or so has gone from an unbelievably spry woman who took care of herself and was active in her church and in ministering to those less fortunate, to living in a nursing room and not being able to remember which room is hers, and alleging that they do not feed her when they quite clearly do
My grandfather has been diabetic all his life. (Type 1). He's managed it incredibly well, but pneumonia and lung cancer last year set him on a major downhill slide. He's not getting better, just more and more forgetful - forgetting to eat, forgetting to take his insulin. Forgetting where he is. The first two are more serious because then he goes into hypoglycemic shock. The ambulance has been called several times in the last few months. Two years ago, he was completely in control of his life, himself. He was living alone, cooking dinner for people, travelling, working out email for the first time. Now he can't be left alone for any real length of time - just in case.

I really don't want him to die, but part of me knows at this stage, it's a matter of time. (I guess it always is - but now it just seems more real).

Your post brought that all back for me.

I'm sorry for your loss Icarus. I'm glad you got to talk to your grandma.

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MyrddinFyre
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(((ick and family))) [Frown]
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KrabbyPatty
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Joe -

I'm so sorry for your loss. May the memories of happier times with your grandmother help you through these difficult times. It's never easy to lose someone you love, even when you think you're prepared.

Pat

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Shan
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Big hugs to you and your family, m'dear - I'm sorry for your loss.
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eslaine
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Take care, Ick. My grandmother was helping her friend by doing her laundry when she went suddenly from a massive coronary. She was eighty. I know what you mean by that, and I was happy she didn't slide down a slope before that.

I am deeply sorry.

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Shigosei
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Icarus, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. My maternal grandmother is becoming pretty old and frail. She lives in Hawaii, so we don't see her often. Every time I say goodbye to her after a visit, I wonder if it's the last time.
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Dragon
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(((((Icarus)))))
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scottneb
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Good luck, Icky. I know how hard it is to go through that.

(((Icky)))

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mothertree
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(((Icarus)))
I noticed I hadn't seen much of you lately. Or maybe it was me. Probably me.

I was not very close to either of my Grandmas, one due to language barrier and the other- she seemed to bravely overlook my mixed race. O_o So I envy you in a strange way that you feel a deep sense of loss at this time. When my grandmothers died, both relatively recent, I did feel sympathy for my parents. I could see that the relationship between them was a lot like my relationship with my children.

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Ela
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So sorry about your loss, Icky. [Frown]
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ketchupqueen
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I'm sorry.
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Ryuko
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I'm sorry, Icarus. It's always terrible to lose a grandparent, most especially so when you have to see them deteriorate like that. It breaks my heart to think of it. Sorry again, Ick.
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Rakeesh
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My condolences, Joe-I'm sorry for your loss:( Thank you for sharing some of her (and your) story.
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Jim-Me
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Joe, my heart goes out to you. I lost my grandmother relatively recently, as well, and wish I'd gotten to speak to her one more time... and I'm sure that you, too, would like one more chance despite having that last conversation.

*te abrazo*

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romanylass
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Icarus, I am so sorry. My deepest condolences to you and your family. I am glad you have wonderful memories to carry with you.
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mackillian
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Aw, man. [Frown]
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katharina
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Icarus, I am so sorry.
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CaySedai
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I didn't see this thread until just now. Icarus, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to talk to your abuela before she died.

It probably feels like you lost a connection with a part of yourself - your younger self. All I can say is to write down your memories of her and what she was like.

I should probably take my own advice.

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Tammy
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[Frown] ((((Icarus))))
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Icarus
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Thank you for all the kind thoughts. The wake is right now, and the burial tomorrow. Not bein too familiar with funerals, I have an etiquette question, if anybody can help me: Am I supposed to sign the guestbook? Am I, technically, a guest?

-o-

Something kind of disturbing happened. As guests were arriving, a friend of my grandmother was introducing people to each other and telling people who was who. My grandmother's old across-the-street neighbor came in, and she started to direct hom toward my father and me, saying "these are her son and grandson," and he said "I know who they are!" and walked away huffily.

Um, wtf?!? [Confused]

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dkw
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I don't think I signed the guestbook at any of my grandparents funerals.

It's up to you, but one rule of thumb might be that if you're listed by name as a "survivor" in the program or the obituary you don't sign. If you were the one who made the arrangements for the funeral, definitely not -- you're the "host."

Another way to look at it -- who gets the guestbook afterwards? If it's you, don't sign. If it's another relative who might be comforted by the fact that you were there, then do.

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Icarus
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She actually made all the arrangements herself years ago.

-o-

So some old lady walks up to me today after the funeral mass, before heading out to the cemetary, and said, "Did you hear her own son didn't come?!" I said, "Yes he did! He's right there!" [Roll Eyes] [Mad] People like that are a big part of why I stopped going to Church.

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Jon Boy
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[Frown]

No one should have to deal with such rude, thoughtless people, especially at a time like this.

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Annie
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[Frown] Lo siento.

((Icarus and family))

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BannaOj
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*hugs* I missed this before. I'm sorry for babbling on IM the other night. I had no idea.

*hugs*

AJ

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Christy
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I missed this as well. Our thoughts are with you and your family and I'm so sorry about the inconsiderate guests at her funeral.
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Derrell
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(((Icarus)))
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Belle
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Icarus, wanted you to know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Losing my grandparents was something very, very difficult for me, I understand your saying you wanted some comfort and attention. You deserve it, this is a very painful thing to go through.

(((Icarus and Family)))

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Miriya
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(((Icarus))) So sorry for your loss.
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Icarus
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No apologies necessary, AJ; the last thing I would want is for people to stop interacting normally with me, even temporarily, because of this! I appreciate your friendship, and a friend is what you were being. [Smile]

Anyway, this was no surprise to us. I think the significance of this for me is that, she was in one sense gone before she passed on, in that due to her deteriorating condition, our relationship could not be exactly what it was before. (I don't think I am expressing myself well here, though. Obviously she was not gone but that particular relationship was, which is not to say that there wasn't still love there flowing in both directions, but etc etcetc. Does that make sense?) What this marks then is like a final confirmation of that. Intellectually, we knew she wasn't getting better, but on some deeper level we could avoid that. Now we can't (or at least, I can't). She's gone. What I feel, more than anything is just a greater awareness of that. Sadness, but no tears. Maybe we'll see each other in an afterlife--I want to believe in an afterlife, but even if there is one, I don't know what form it will take or if we will be able to interact with our deceased loved ones.

Once again, thanks to everyone who has held us in their thoughts or prayers.

-o-

As for the rude people, I don't know what it could be with them. When I was a teenager, my parents and I lived right around the corner from my aunt, uncle, and grandmother. It's possiblke that that one guy, her former neighbor (and therefore a neighbor of ours as well), might have known something about the situation I've told some of you about with my mother, but obviously not the whole story, and he might blame my father, or even my father and me, for failing to help her. Or maybe he thinks we're jerks because we had my grandmother in an ACLF instead of living with us. Maybe, because we moved while she stayed in Miami, he didn't feel like we visited her enough (how would he know?); but it was her choice to stay in Miami, and it seems unreasonable to expect us to never move while she was there. Or heck, maybe it's because we have beards. There was a time, thirty years or so ago, when Cubans were extremely prejudiced against Cuban men with beards, for reasons that are probably self-evident, and maybe there are still pockets of that. Anything is possible, so I guess I'll just put it out of my mind. Why should I worry about it? But I'll tell you what. My grandmother was an extremely devout Christian and most of her friends were from Church, and they spent a lot of last night praying very publicly, saying rosaries and singing songs and reading scripture and whatnot, including this gentleman. His behavior toward us, his judgmentalness (word?), his inability to forgive whatever he felt was wrong with us, and his inability to control his reaction in a place where it was obviously inappropriate exposes far more about him than it condemns about us.

(Hah! I get the last word on a forum he doesn't read! That'll show him! [Razz] )

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Raia
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*hugs the Icarus family* [Frown]
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Kwea
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It could have been that he didn't like the person doing the introductions as well, or that he felt insulted that she assumed that he wouldn't know.


Either way it is more of his problem than yours. I am sorry you had to deal with that.


Also, when my grandma died, one of her sons didn't go to teh funeral. I still dislike him for that, but I understand it a little better now...my mom got to talk to him in depth this year, for the first time in a decade. He was living in Costa Rica off and on for about 6 years, but he had been in FL with my grandma when she died...for the last two months before as well. He was afraid that wh would make such a secen that it would wreck the whole funeral for everyone, so he didn't come.


I still don't like him much, but I understand. Even if that lady had been correct (and you said she wasn't, he was right there) it isn't anyone elses place to sit in judgement of another at a time like that. We all deal with grief in our own way, I guess.


Thank you for sharing this with us, your feelings about your grandam ave very evident by the obvious love in your posts here.


Kwea

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scottneb
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Icky, it's important to remember that this time is more about you and her, as opposed to anything else. You need to recognize that you need to go through the morning process more than these people that didn't know her as well as you did. I'm not saying you haven't gone through it, please don't take me as saying something stupid like that. All I'm saying is that I refused to let myself feel the pain everyone else was going through when my Grandma passed. It took me nearly a year to realize what it was that was eating at me. I felt like I was being hollowed out. It took me a while, but I finally broke-down. It was a hard way of going about the process and I don't want you to do the same.
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Bob_Scopatz
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Joe,

Dana told me about this thread but I was on a trip and couldn't get Internet to stay alive long enough to read the posts and respond. First off, I'm sorry for the loss of grandmother and I thank you for all the things you've told us about her over the years -- that part about her seeing your parent's inadequacies and giving you a childhood has always stuck with me.

You make me miss my own grandmothers.

As for rude people, having worked with the elderly both in and out of nursing homes, I can tell you that your best bet is to assume these two individuals are:

a) not feeling well today (or many days) and are thus very grumpy.

b) not remembering things clearly.

c) sad, lonely busybodies who aren't happy unless they and all around them are miserable.


I can attest to the fact that such personality types exist. It baffles logic, but the world of such folks is consumed with the negative things they hear (if only once in passing, a comment like "I wish my son would call me" becomes "her son neglects her and is a horrible person.") Their minds hang onto these things and don't let go. A thousand happy utterances are as dew on a hot morning -- gone before anyone is even awake.

So, don't fret about it.


I was among the last to see both of my grandmothers alive. In one case the poor woman was being drugged because her normal sleep pattern was inconvenient to the hospital (she used to work nights). So, I got to talk to her a bit when she was fairly lucid. The stroke got her in the end.

In the other instance, my grandmother was combative and stronger than the sister who was trying to take care of her and keep her out of the nursing home. It didn't work and I had to convince them all that, despite what she'd said in her living will, etc., she needed to go into a home. Of course, she died within a week of the transfer. But she literally could have killed her sister. It was a terrible situation since the dementia she developed was affecting her perceptions and her personality. Horrible.

I'm glad you have such great memories of your grandmother and I hope you'll feel like sharing some more of them with us.

- Bob

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Morbo
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I am very sorry for your loss, Icarus. [Frown]
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CT
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Icarus, my thoughts are with you. What a confusing, muddled, and painful time it must be.

*big hugs

I am so glad she had you in her life, and you her.

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