posted
It's possible that a happy medium could be reached between katharina and TomD and Tinros could attend another church for a little while. That was the way I read SS's suggestion. I think based on my knowledge of churches of her size that for her religion and social life are all mixed up and it might be hard to seperate them where she is. Perhaps if she attended a smaller church for a time she could learn to seperate them. It would also give her a chance to recieve some personal spiritual advice/counseling, in a way that probably isn't possible in her current church.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
Blacwolve, that is fantastic advice, and a very moderate practical course.
I'd actually go either way though, going to a larger church, where she could be more anonymous, and less involved socially, but still get spiritual teaching, could be an idea too.
posted
The church I go to has a special "Small group" night where you go to a house with six or seven people of your general age and grade. The goup I was with was 9 girls, from 16-18 years old, all juniors and seniors in high school. It was an incredible experience, and helped me a lot. I haven't even gone to the main service in a while- marching band took up all my time. But now band's over, and so are small groups until January. But my sister will be home tomorrow, so I'll talk to her again then.
I don't really understand myself. I woke up screaming in the middle of the night last night, and was pretty upset all throughout today- but part of that might have been from NHS inductioins(I had to give a speech and play piano for the tapping ceremony). I wish I could take a few days off from school... but hey, THanksgiving break is next week. I can hold out til then.
Our school has a club, started by Matt, that's dedicated to learning Japanese. That's where he met this new girl- she just moved into our district a couple months ago, and they met a little over a month ago. I was really involved with JClub- I helped Matt with the website and helped get people interested in it. We all chose a Japanese name. Mine was Sei- or truth.
I place a lot of importance on honesty. He knows this. But what really makes me mad is his insistance that he has done nothing wrong. He believes that I should be happy he's dating, period. He says it doesn't matter if he broke a promise to be honest, as long as he's happy in the end. It doesn't matter if I feel like I could die over it- but I've always been the trusting, over-emotional one wherever I lived. I don't know anymore.
I'm just tired of drama. I wish my life could go back to the way it was a week ago, before any of this ever happened. But I'll just move on. One of my friends came up to me today, gave me a big hug, and started singing that "Just keep swimming" song from Finding Nemo. It made me laugh, and cheered me up some- she's crazy like that.
It's funny. Matt's new girlfriend offered to break up with him if it would make me happy. But I told her not to. But, she did tell me, that if he tries to convert her(which he plans to), she won't give him another five minutes with her. She doesn't tolerate that kind of thing- she's happy the way she is.
As for me being pushy- most of the promises he made to be honest were after I found out about another lie or another broken promise. I should be mature enough to take that as a, "he probably won't keep it." kind of thing, but I'm not. I guess I just need to grow up.
I don't know. Sorry this has been a long rant, but I needed to vent to people who would actually respond, with mature advice. THanks.
Posts: 1591 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Harsh advice coming up. I tell you this because I think you deserve to be happy, and so you can avoid a mistake I once made.
When I was in college, I met a guy at church who I thought would be a perfect match. We became good friends, did a lot of stuff together, he enjoyed hanging out with me, but just wasn’t interested in dating. Eventually I found out he was dating someone else, and anytime he said anything about a disagreement with her, I secretly thought how much better for him I would be. Even when I found out they were engaged, part of me still thought he should come to his senses and dump her for me.
It took a long time for me to realize that the fact he wasn’t interested in me that way was not my fault or his fault, it was just the way things were. But eventually I realized that 1) I had no claim on him, and 2) by continuing to think that way I was behaving like “the other woman,” interfering in someone else’s relationship (even though I never actually did anything to try to break them up).
Matt is not yours. He has made the choice to date someone else. Whether you think he made a mistake or not, it's his choice, not yours. That does not mean you are not attractive, lovable, and worthy to date. However, you now need to choose if you are going to be the kind of woman who chases guys who are “taken.”
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
What my church also did, that I loved, was pair each of the girls in the church with an older woman. Not necessarily really old, but just old enough that you could go to them for advice. I met with my mentor, Lydia once a week and we would talk about problems we were having spiritually. We also read books together and tried to read a chapter of the Bible each week to discuss with each other. It was a great experience. I think something like that would be really helpful for you.
I think what would be really good for you is to talk to someone who's been through all of the high school years, who you would accept as a mentor or authority. Not just because of this instance, but in general. You might talk to your pastor or youth leader and see if something like that can be set up. One of the reasons I suggested a smaller church was because at my church everyone would stick around after the service and you could go up and talk to anyone about problems you were having, questions you had, and stuff like that. It was one of the things I liked best about my church. Maybe you can do that at a larger church, but I think it would be harder.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
"I'm just tired of drama." I think one of the major aspects of growing up is realizing that most of the drama we all have in our lives is there because we invited it in. The easiest way to get rid of that drama is to examine yourself and try to find that part of you that allows and encourages it to exist. This is especially the case when it comes to romantic relationships. It really sounds like the guy has given you MULTIPLE reasons, over a long period of time, to not trust him. You acknowledged this, and it seems that you are now being forced to acknowledge that he wasnt really good enough for you all along. Thats actually a really good thing. It doesnt seem like it, because it hurts to have that knowledge shoved in our face, but it's a much better alternative to never learning it, right? So, now, what you need to focus in is not the drama that he and his current girlfriend might have, and how that is going to affect you, but rather on why you let your feelings get so caught up with such an unworthy person in the first place, and how to avoid it the next time. This will probably take some time, and some serious effort. It's worth it, though. Coming to the realization that this pain need never be felt again, and acknowledging your power and ability to make sure it doesnt, is much more important to your now and future happiness than the temporary solace of an immature relationship. It really does seem that you are at a point in your life where you are ready and willing to be honest with yourself, and I wish you luck in finding the strength to become a happy adult.
Posts: 499 | Registered: Mar 2004
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quote:What my church also did, that I loved, was pair each of the girls in the church with an older woman. Not necessarily really old, but just old enough that you could go to them for advice. I met with my mentor, Lydia once a week and we would talk about problems we were having spiritually. We also read books together and tried to read a chapter of the Bible each week to discuss with each other. It was a great experience. I think something like that would be really helpful for you.
Wow...that is a great idea. I wish that ANY of the churches I've ever been to had done that.
Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
To kind of riff off of what dkw said, I think the main thing teens need to get through their heads is that if something doesn't happen right now, it doesn't mean it's never going to happen. There is so much pressure you guys put on yourselves, and that is put on you, to perform; not just to perform, but to be perfect: to be perfect girls, perfect academics, perfect in spirit, perfect in love. This is why I suggested getting away from things for a bit. Stepping back and just kind of giving yourself a break.
You, Tinros, sound like you have a lot on your plate and are a perfectionist. You, Tinros, sound to me like the person that is killing yourself because you are trying to be a perfect Christian, perfect academic, and a perfect friend.
You can't be perfect. Things are almost never perfect, and never become perfect. The people you love never love you back the way they should, the dress you buy is never just right, the body you have never will behave perfectly, and they'll always be people who dislike you for no good reason. This is just the way things are.
Cut yourself some slack, my dear. Take a vacation from your goals at some point and recharge, k? Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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Tinros, I know how irrational emotions can be. I know how tied up you can be in someone, thinking they are the only one you could be happy with, that even if things weren't "right", they will never be so "good" etc.
I don't know that my wishing has any power, but this is what I would wish for you. I would wish for you that his sordid behavior would wake you up to his unworthiness. I would wish for you that what was once magic, sweet music, light, and color would turn to mold, decay, filth, and putrescence.
It isn't so much that I want you to hate him, only hate the idea of being with him romantically. I don't think he is deserving of hatred, and hatred is just another form of obsession anyway. I just wish for you to lose all interest in him beyond the fact that he is a human being deserving of compassion--same as any other.
I just wish for him to no longer be alluring in your eyes in any way. Kinda like the phenomenon I have heard many men describe when they see a severely hawt woman--who then lights a cigarette and instantly becomes repugnant to them.
May you move forward and never look back once. Let him not be "The One That Got Away", but let him be the one you broke free of.
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