posted
If reading and/or posting in a particular thread, set of threads, or forum is not a net positive experience for you, then don't do so. I was reminded of this just yesterday when I spent ten or fifteen minutes drafting hypothetical replies to something that took me to a mental place I really wasn't interested in going. Thankfully, someone I trust set me straight before I posted anything. I can continue to read that thread, but I won't be posting in it. There are some threads that I just won't read at all, because I know it wouldn't be productive.
Of course, I have violated this premise on numerous occasions... but I've regretted it later every single time.
There was a case a few years ago when an argument between two people got so heated that one of them went on a hiatus and ultimately left the forum permanently. The person who stayed felt awful. I'm seeing a lot of angry people and hurt feelings today, so I'd just like to remind everyone that participation here is optional and that if you're upset it's probably best to take a breather -- if not stop entirely. Posting angry is a bad idea.
I actually want to extend this concept to apply to my life in general, as well. If something I'm doing does not have a net positive impact on my life (whether it's as simple as eating some chocolate or as complex as family relationships), I want to try to start re-evaluating how I pursue it or if it is even worthy of pursuit. We'll see how that goes; it's been something of a challenge applying it even to this small aspect of my life. It's worth it, though, because the forum interactions that I do have are much more positive as a result. If I hadn't made those changes to my reading and posting habits, I doubt I'd still be here.
Of course, hereabouts, when all else fails there's always the Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
The best part is that since I get to define "positive," I can rule that eating chocolate is always a net positive. Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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quote: I just figured they were all groping each other.
See, I was thinking that if anyone actually knew what thread this was about, the description of what they were doing would have been very different. Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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I always enjoy my Hatrack time. If it wasn't a feelgood thing for me, I wouldn't spend as much time as I do. I, too, avoid some threads where I know that what I have to say would cause people to be unhappy. And in the contentious debates, I always try to not offend my fellow Hatrackers.
This is why everyone loves me best of all!
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
See what bugs me about thread like this is that, while I think the "It's not worth always being worked up about." idea is important, I really hate Hatrack's inability to handle conflict or to distinguish between people blowing things out of proportion and a conflict that should genuinely be addressed. I don't exactly relish my role as the person who has to say the "mean" but true things that other people are thinking. I don't appreciate being alone when I support standards because doing so engenders conflict.
I also don't like the popularity angle.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
What bugs me about this thread is that it makes it not okay for someone to be angry - it makes an entire category of emotions unacceptable. I think I feel about it the same way I feel about someone saying "Calm down."
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Squick, I don't imagine that lightning rods like their job all that much either.
The problem with choosing not to post in certain threads is that no one notices that you're sitting there mum, bursting with things to say but keeping your yap shut because your brain is screaming "It's not worth it!", and for once, it's winning. More than once I've been very tempted to post in some threads, "Not sayin' nuthin'. And you can't make me." Others express their frustration by bringing in popcorn, which for some, is like having a partner who eats crackers in bed.
All of which is to reiterate Ic's high road quote.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Taking the high road means missing that low road shortcut to Scotland and the bonnie bonnie banks of Loch Lomand.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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jeni, The point I'm trying to make is that sometimes, things do actually need to be said. I don't post conflict arousing things because I'm angry. I don't know that I get angry from Hatrack. I also don't set out to try to hurt people's feelings.
I post them because I think that because I think that they need to be said and my experience here has shown that if I don't say them, it's unlikely that anyone else will. I don't particularly like that role and my status as pretty much outside the Hatack clique makes me less effective, but I prefer that to a community where no one says these things.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
Interestingly enough, there is a phenomenon that some real psychologists study related to the origin of this thread. Humans are used to taking clues from face-to-face interaction, and when you feel the urge to say something particularly nasty or rude, an inhibitory mechanism kicks in, triggered by possibly several different things relating to empathy, a desire not to get your butt kicked etc.
On the internet there is no face-to-face interaction, and hence no inhibitory mechanism kicks in and so people say outlandish things they would never utter in real life.
Keep that in mind, and perhaps you can develop your own conscious inhibitory mechanism.
Posts: 4548 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
Hmm...I actually think there is very little that needs to be said when someone doesn't care about who they are talking to. In those cases, it seems like someone needs to say them.
I think that's why I don't like it - I feel like you are using me to satisfy your own need to pontificate, and I resent it.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
kat, regarding comments made about your behavior, I think you're making a fundamentally flawed assumption as to the primary intended audience. But I still hold out hope for you, for without hope, what does man really have?
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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Squicky, I know I'm not the intended audience, and that's what I don't like. You are talking past me to the balconies, and I don't like being used like that.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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Thanks for saying the things that need to be said. it is important. I think that sometimes you might be alone out there because you do it well and gracefully. I know that (in many discussion) I often think that if I leapt in I would just muddy the argument that someone else is making so well. Rather like jumping in with a short, thick, stick when someone else is using a rapier. I'm sorry that it makes you feel unsupported.
Posts: 11187 | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
Actually, James, I think the conversation may have just turned productive, not sour.
Welcome to Hatrack, by the way. I see you've been here for a couple of months, but I don't believe we've crossed threads before. Nice to meet you. Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Maybe I don't agree because I don't think there are balconies? I think the angels are doing fine recording the events without help, and I don't believe anyone else is watching. Rather, I don't believe that the audience is paying enough attention to make disrespecting the person you are using as a prop worth it.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
To be specific, I do not appreciate being used a prop. There's no way to make doing that okay.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
kat, If it makes it any better, my primary intent is try to get people who you will actually listen to to take you aside or something and say "Look, you're wrong here." Kind of what they would do in public to someone who wasn't popular.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
Would it make you feel better if you knew that I usually e-mail Banna after these discussions to see if I went too far? You know Banna - you know she tells me.
I really don't like being used as a prop, Squicky - I really don't. It makes me feel like I'm being treated like I don't matter.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
kat, I don't use you as a prop. I give you good advice I'm pretty sure you're not going to listen to and publically stand up for being respectful and not being nasty to people here as things this community holds as important.
I did this with Baldar, I did it with Leto, I'm doing it with you. I do it with other people when I feel they cross the line.
If you talk it over with Banna and continue to act the way you do, then I guess, no, I don't trust her judgement.
You can be a very nice person, I've no doubt, but you can also be very nasty and a lot of people don't want to acknowledge that about you, especially since you are good at playing the passive-aggressive victim role.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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See, instead of a post-apocalyptic whatever, it could be a pity party.
(BTW, isn't AJ the one who's read the symptoms of Asperger's and thinks that if tested, she'd have it? If so, I'm not sure that her reading of social situations would be all that enlightening to you. I mean, one of the major problems with kids with Asperger's is their total lack ability to read/respond appropriately to social cues.)
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Squick, you pretend to be talking to me and instead are speaking to the balconies. That's using me as a prop. I think you think you're being brave and speaking truth to stubbornnes, but you're just being nasty. You know it makes me uncomfortable, and not in a "Oh no, I've been discovered." More like a "Why is he commenting on me all the time?" kind of way.
If it was intended for me, you'd send an e-mail. In fact, I promise that if you say it to me in an e-mail so I know you aren't using me, then I will listen.
Oh, I never said I followed what she says. I do ask, though.
I know I'm not always nice. If you think about it, though, I never strike first.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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The first I read about it was something by Daniel Goleman. ( link)
Of course, I am skeptical of anything said by a psychologist, but this particular idea seems like it may actually be true, regardless of the source Posts: 4548 | Registered: May 2001
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