You know, I expect governments to lie to me. I'm not surprised when friends, lovers, and relatives are less than truthful. And my dog's memory of when he last ate is, as a rule, highly suspect.
But now I've discovered that advertisers have been lying to me all these years, and that's the last straw. My innocence is gone, without even an anthropomorphic detergent box to soothe me.
Did you know that drinking lots of alcohol does not attract supermodels? I couldn't believe it. I chugged the beer, I joked with my friends in a hearty, confident way, and yet supermodels remained curiously absent. It may be true that with enough beer other people look like supermodels, but by that point so do lampposts, Coke machines, and police officers. And, judging by the results, there doesn't seem to be enough beer in North America to make me look like a male model, which is where the whole deal breaks down.
quote:But possibly my biggest disappointment, one that eats me up inside and fills my nights with despair, is the complete and utter lack of synchronized dancing. I've tried. Oh, how I've tried. I hold up my cool, refreshing soda and I smile brilliantly. I go into my carefully choreographed routine. But do the people at the mall, lazy and antisocial things that they are, ever join in? Ha! They won't even sing along!
Chris, I think one thing is abundantly clear: you're no Pepper.
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quote:People in the grocery store do not really want to stop and talk to you about hemorrhoid remedies, it turns out. I followed one guy for several aisles -- he looked kindly and medically knowledgeable -- but after several false turns and a headlong dive over the styrofoam cooler display he lost me in the produce department.
::wipes a tear:: Chris, you officially crack me up. Not that you haven't been for years in an unofficial capacity, but now there's a certificate to prove it.
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Chris, here's a question: do you ever get contacted by people who think you're serious? I mean, you do write for a Florida newspaper.
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I've gotten affronted e-mail before, including one from a Muzak spokesperson to let me know that my Muzak joke was twenty years out of date, but no hate mail yet. Hmm. I'd better get busy.
BTW, here's some of the bits that didn't make the final column. DVD extras!
"My cell phone usage has been tragically bereft of creepy guys in trench coats or gorgeous actresses, and if there's an army of support people following me they must all hide when I turn around. I tried using a mirror, but they were too smart for that."
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I could dress up as a giant rat and talk to you on a park bench, if it would make you feel better.
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I did spend a day walking around with Pink Panther once. When I worked at Builders Square an insulation company sent us a Pink Panther suit to use for our grand opening. I got a friend to wear it for 10 bucks an hour and I had to walk around with him to help guide him because his visibility was shot. He put up with the jokes, the mobbing kids, and the stumbling around while roasting inside a very hot outfit with aplomb. At one point an adorable little blonde girl came running up, threw her arms around his hips, and hugged him, yelling "I love you Pink Panther!"
After she left he turned to me and said, "I'm gonna have to get me one of these. It's even better than candy in a van."
I knew he was joking, but I suspect the horrified people walking past didn't...
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I have to say that the title of your column would also apply to a discussion of vinyl or something. As in, your child suddenly took a liking to your old Floyd albumns and asked for a lava lamp and bead curtains for his birthday.
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quote:My dog does not, in fact, prefer the great taste of anything. If he makes a distinction at all, he seems to prefer the great taste of whatever I'm trying to keep away from him, up to and including car parts, full litter boxes, and his own foot.
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From a column about how the RIAA wants us to buy music:
quote:Figure out ways that I can buy music through my cellphone or my PDA or from my car stereo. Let me download from a kiosk in a club or during concerts so I can grab that cool song they're playing right now. Heck, let me download music in the grocery store during long lines when I'm going crazy because I can't identify which song is being butchered by Muzak. Let me bring my MP3 player into Sam Goody and download songs on the spot. Who knows, I might even buy a CD there to save myself the trouble of making a backup copy.
After I received an e-mail from the company, I mentioned it in a later column:
quote:Soon afterwards I heard from Sumter Cox, Director of Corporate Communications at Muzak, Inc, who let me know that Muzak hasn't re-recorded music for over 25 years. Had I been wikified, that little gaffe could have been cleared up instantly to cover the shocking fact that I haven't stepped into an elevator in three decades. Fear of lighted buttons. You understand.
quote:And my dog's memory of when he last ate is, as a rule, highly suspect.
Second sentence -- laughed out loud.
Aside: Chris, does the weekly near-instantaneous feedback on which jokes and phrases work help you grow as a writer? I remember OSC writing something about how much being a director/playwright helped him with dialogue, because he got live audience feedback nightly.
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Great column. I was going to quote the parts I thought were funny but then there were too many of them.
Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2006
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I've always wondered whether things people read on the internet really makes them roll around on the floor while laughing. I know I never have...
I mean, Chris's articles usually get at least a chuckle out of me, but I've never laughed till I've cried or thought anything was particularly "genius." Clever, yes; genius, probably not.
Maybe I just don't have much of a sense of humor...
Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2004
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Maybe my sense of humour is bigger or maybe what Chris writes really matches it but I actually often laugh myself silly reading his chronicles, laughing so hard I have to wait and read it a few times for myself before reading it aloud to Hubby because if I don't he won't understand a word of it in the middle of my laughter.
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This is the funniest column of yours I have read so far, which is saying a lot! That was a really great column!!!! Posts: 1918 | Registered: Mar 2005
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I think it depends on your reaction to different types of humor. I don't often laugh out loud when I'm reading something, I'm not a regular chuckler, but then some phrase or unexpected line will catch me the right way and I'll lose it completely. And usually that same line will affect me the same way for some time afterwards, to where I can't read it out loud to anyone without snortling in an undignified manner.
My own current regular laugh-out-loud reads are "Alt Text" by Lore Sjöberg, formerly of "Brunching Shuttlecocks" and a person who writes columns that make me want to yell at my readers "I'm not funny! This guy is funny! Argh!", The Onion which almost goes without saying, and "How to Write Screenplays, Badly," which is the perfect balance to all the how-to-write books I chow down like potato chips. (Note: The "Screenplay" blog has adult language. Like, a lot of it.)
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Chris, will you be attending any movie showings at the end of this week? Say around June 23rd???
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I think the government tampered with my brain I didn't think you would miss it, I'll be just north of Philly King of Prussia I'm hoping for a huge turnout, or at least enough to make the newspaper
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Thank you, Chris. Sincerely, thank you. ![[Kiss]](graemlins/kiss.gif)
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Genius, as usual.
