quote:Originally posted by Lalo: I sometimes have a hard time going alone to a party full of strangers, but so long as I have a friend or two with me for banter, it's usually a pretty good time. But that one friend's pretty key for opening up conversation to the rest of the room, I've noticed. Without it, the room's ice cold.
I'm the same way. The only time I feel intimidated by people is when I'm in a large group of people who all know each other when I know no one, but if no one knows anyone, I'll be fine.
I've been told by more than one person that I'm intimidating, though. And when I protested and pointed out my tiny stature, they replied that size has nothing to do with it.
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I'm usually at one end of the extreme. When I'm with a group of 6 or 7 close friends, I'm easily the most talkative person, the one making all of the jokes and talking to everyone. But when I'm in a group of around 20 not-so-close friends, I'm probably the most quiet person there. And I'm definitely pretty bad at socializing if there are only strangers. I'm very bad at introducing myself if I don't know anyone else and I feel awkward.
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I'm not, but I have an interesting story about real intimidation.
The Director of the agency I work for is a three star general in the army, and when he first took over, he visited the shop where I work (I was on leave at the time). He was briefed by an Army sergeant that was so freaked out he passed out in the middle of the briefing. Everyone in the room was so suppressed by "the presence" that the Director had to help the sergeant himself because no-one else was able to move.
The funny part is the general is a pretty short bespecled guy that I'm not even sure they would have noticed was there had he been wearing civvies.
Next time you think "intimidation" think of that.
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I used to find unfamiliar people and situations intimidating, but I got over it. I'll tell you how, because I believe that my method would work for just about anyone. I faked it. I would pretend to be the kind of person who was self-confident and comfortable, even when (especially when) I wasn't. And just like in that dippy song, when I fool the people I fear, I fool myself as well.* At a party, a job interview, when speaking in public, I'd just take a deep breath and pretend that I was self-confident and comfortable in the situation. At times when I couldn't pull it off, I'd just do an impression, kind of channel, someone who is good in that situation. When speaking in public, I would pretend to be one of my favorite high school teachers, who really knew how to work a room. In an interview, I'd be one of those savvy career women from the old black-and-white movies, the ones who would take off their hat and gloves when they sit down and get down to business. At parties, I would be my cousin, who has such an easy way with people.
And after faking it enough times, I found that I really DID have comfort and self-confidence, and I didn't have to fake it any more. Or hardly ever.
*"Whistle a Happy Tune", from The King and I.
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quote:Originally posted by GaalDornick: When I'm with a group of 6 or 7 close friends, I'm easily the most talkative person, the one making all of the jokes and talking to everyone. But when I'm in a group of around 20 not-so-close friends, I'm probably the most quiet person there.
That doesn't happen to me. I just have to know them to be comfortable. If I've never met them, then that's my problem. If I know them, then I'm the fun one in the group. If I don't, I have to introduce my self to everyone (and get to know them) before I loosen up a lot.
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quote:Originally posted by GaalDornick: I'm usually at one end of the extreme. When I'm with a group of 6 or 7 close friends, I'm easily the most talkative person, the one making all of the jokes and talking to everyone. But when I'm in a group of around 20 not-so-close friends, I'm probably the most quiet person there. And I'm definitely pretty bad at socializing if there are only strangers. I'm very bad at introducing myself if I don't know anyone else and I feel awkward.
This is exactly how I am.
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quote:At times when I couldn't pull it off, I'd just do an impression, kind of channel, someone who is good in that situation. When speaking in public, I would pretend to be one of my favorite high school teachers, who really knew how to work a room.
That is exactly what I do. Most people would be surprised that I feel painfully awkward in groups or most social conversations, but, if I feel shy, I merely imitate what I think a socialable person would do (specific friends come to mind). And--no surprise--it gets easier each time.
I'm still an introvert and there's no getting around that. I am ALWAYS more comfortable in low pressure one-on-one situations with people I connect with and know well.
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That's pretty much what I did, Tante. I used to be terribly shy and introverted and had a lot of trouble in social situations until I just started acting really cocky, even if I was freaking out and really nervous inside. I mean, just the way you carry yourself can make a WORLD of difference in the way people perceive you.
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I prefer email to phone calls, 'cuz you can edit email. I especially prefer email to phone messages, because those cannot be edited, but they are not ephemeral (or at least may not be).
In-person conversations are ok (and in some ways better than email), because the other 80% (body language, etc.) are there for proper context. OTOH, if given a choice I will usually stay home. Even though when I do go somewhere, I usually enjoy myself. So, I push myself to go out (I have regular classes I attend, for instance), and that works well.
And while I am not at all a fan of public speaking, I can do it when necessary (just don't expect me to volunteer, and DO give me some idea of what to talk about). The irony is that I was a teacher for 10 years . . .
And no one ever believes me when I say I'm an introvert, but I really am. I just overcompensate . . . and then tends to intimidate people. >_<
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beverly, I had a boyfriend in college who called me a chameleon (not a compliment). He said he didn't know who I was because I changed whoever I was with. Well, I recognized that there was truth in that and as a result it bothered me for years. But you know, I don't think it's such a negative anymore. I think if he'd really been the right person for me, he would have gotten to know and understand those different aspects of my personality. What he didn't understand was that I wasn't just reflecting people around me, but bringing out different parts of the whole me that blended well with those people. (Sheesh, I sound like a multiple personality--really, I'm not a nutcase. I know, that's what they all say!)
Anyway, I think I'm still that way (chameleony, not crazy) but just a more confident, well-rounded person overall now, with a better sense of who I am. Some of it's just time and experience.
For those who say that social situations tire you, that's one of the defining traits that separate introverts from extroverts according to Myers-Briggs. It's a matter of what energizes you--do you recharge your batteries by going to a party or by spending a quiet night alone?
I'm definitely an introvert, but some people who know me think that's not true at all. One friend in particular (very much an extrovert herself), first met me as my trainer on my first day at a new job. In her mind, I couldn't possibly be an introvert because I walked into my new job on the first day, confidently shook her hand and looked her in the eye and said, "Hi, I'm . . ." Well, just like Tante said, I'm a great faker. That was a terrifying moment for me! I'm envious of her ability to eagerly anticipate getting to know new people.
I'm highly social in the sense of needing people in my life, and I talk on the phone with friends fairly frequently and at length. But I HATE business phone calls, which gets me into trouble because I'll procrastinate them. And I definitely far prefer small groups of familiar people to large groups of unfamiliar people. Party w/ mostly new people = scary and stressful.
But I still want to be a "real" jatraquero someday!
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The "the other person feels as nervous as you do" realization was a good one for me. It was specifically for girls I was trying to ask out, back in freshman year of high school and it got me over the hump many a time.
It's funny, though, now that I think about it, because I now have little to no problem dealing with pretty much anyone. I definitely don't get intimidated. Which kind of makes that realization untrue, as people who are nervous talking to me aren't being matched by my ease of mind while talking to them.
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Uprooted, I definitely think that as time goes on, I am more comfortable with my chameleony nature. I try to use it to my advantage and not let it bother me. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always said that I am only truly myself when I am alone.
It is still true, and that is why I am and always will be an introvert at heart. But I can act plenty extroverted, especially when I am at my most comfortable.
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According to the Myers-Briggs I'm an "extrovert" with a score of 1. I'm energized by social situations and energized by being alone.
Actually, my highest score in any category of the Myers-Briggs was a 9. I wonder what that says about me.
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I'm not nearly as intimidated by people in person as I used to be. As I've gotten to know myself better I've gotten more comfortable around other people, but I still hate making phone calls and sending emails.
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I think I was an introvert with a score of 1. (If I am remembering the scale correctly. It was barely on one side of the center. I think it was on the introvert side, but it might possibly even have been on the extrovert side . . . it was that close.)
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I'm better on line because it's safer.. it's easy for people to ignore me if they don't want to talk to me.
In meatspace it's different. It's horrible... Especially at parties... Why would anyone want to talk to me? If I open my mouth I'll just make a fool of myself. I'll just sit here quietly and let someone talk to me. Oh look, it's getting late, I guess I should go home.
Before I met my hubby I just kinda assumed I would be alone forever.
quote:Originally posted by Icarus: I think I was an introvert with a score of 1. (If I am remembering the scale correctly. It was barely on one side of the center. I think it was on the introvert side, but it might possibly even have been on the extrovert side . . . it was that close.)
That makes me feel so much better. Whenever I think about my scores on that test it makes me feel like I'm not really a defined person.
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