FacebookTwitter
Hatrack River Forum Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » Guys of Hatrack

   
Author Topic: Guys of Hatrack
cheiros do ender
Member
Member # 8849

 - posted      Profile for cheiros do ender   Email cheiros do ender         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ever liked a girl a lot who already happened to have a boyfriend in a really well working relationship? Can someone please tell me why this is making me so depressed?
Posts: 1138 | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Samarkand
Member
Member # 8379

 - posted      Profile for Samarkand   Email Samarkand         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
"Jessie is a friend,/ yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine. But lately something's changed that ain't hard to define,/ Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine."

Jesse's Girl by Rick Springfield.

Good song.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
katharina
Member
Member # 827

 - posted      Profile for katharina   Email katharina         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I don't know why guys are suddenly more interested once you're not available.
Posts: 26076 | Registered: Mar 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cheiros do ender
Member
Member # 8849

 - posted      Profile for cheiros do ender   Email cheiros do ender         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Presumptuous [No No]
Posts: 1138 | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
katharina
Member
Member # 827

 - posted      Profile for katharina   Email katharina         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
*laugh* I didn't dream you meant me.
Posts: 26076 | Registered: Mar 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Javert
Member
Member # 3076

 - posted      Profile for Javert   Email Javert         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You have my sympathy and understanding.
Posts: 3852 | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KarlEd
Member
Member # 571

 - posted      Profile for KarlEd   Email KarlEd         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
lol, Kate, I took that as you being presumptuous that he knew the girl before she was taken and only got interested after she was taken.
Posts: 6392 | Registered: Dec 1999  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
El JT de Spang
Member
Member # 7742

 - posted      Profile for El JT de Spang   Email El JT de Spang         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It's not just guys that that happens to. Girls are more interested in a guy who unavailable, too. I think that the fact that you are dating someone drastically upgrades your datability in the eyes of others.

------

Why'd Jessie/Jesse change the spelling of his name?
/continuity nitpick

Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
erosomniac
Member
Member # 6834

 - posted      Profile for erosomniac           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by cheiros do ender:
Ever liked a girl a lot who already happened to have a boyfriend in a really well working relationship?

Yep.

quote:
Can someone please tell me why this is making me so depressed?
I'm going to go out on a limb here since I don't really know much about you, but it's likely because you're moral enough and/or care about her enough that you don't want to influence or harm her current relationship, either because that feels wrong to you and/or you care more about her happiness than your own.

But knowing that doesn't make you feel any differently.

Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
katharina
Member
Member # 827

 - posted      Profile for katharina   Email katharina         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Oh, that makes even more sense. [Smile]
Posts: 26076 | Registered: Mar 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
El JT de Spang
Member
Member # 7742

 - posted      Profile for El JT de Spang   Email El JT de Spang         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I saw that, Porter.

----

erso, I don't get involved with or pursue girls who are in relationships not because I value their happiness over my own, but because I respect the potential of any relationship to turn into something serious and lasting.

Yes, I'm a romantic.

However, if the guy's a jerk or treats her bad I have no problem telling the girl so.

Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephan
Member
Member # 7549

 - posted      Profile for Stephan   Email Stephan         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by katharina:
I don't know why guys are suddenly more interested once you're not available.

Vice Versa.

Girls (I don't think) ever really flirted with me much until I was engaged.

I really think it happens for a few different reasons. One reason could be knowing that the person is dependable enough to be in a good relationship. Another is that person his/her self is no longer self-conscious because they already found someone. Being sure of oneself is always attractive to others. Then there is always the worst, just wanting what you can't have. Which is perfectly natural for many people, its acting on it one needs to avoid.

Cheiros:

If this girl is a friend, then you need to start hanging out with other friends more. Cool yourself off a little. I don't know your indiviual situation, but if she has been a friend for a while, part of the depression was missing your chance. Don't think of it that way. There are plenty of other women out there.

Posts: 3134 | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
erosomniac
Member
Member # 6834

 - posted      Profile for erosomniac           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by El JT de Spang:
erso, I don't get involved with or pursue girls who are in relationships not because I value their happiness over my own, but because I respect the potential of any relationship to turn into something serious and lasting.

Yes, I'm a romantic.

However, if the guy's a jerk or treats her bad I have no problem telling the girl so.

I'm much the same way. For me, it's a combination of the reasons I posted; I don't want to ruin someone else's chance at happiness, and I'm a combination of self-deprecating (who am I to think I'd be better for her?) and egocentric (what am I saying, of COURSE I'd be better for her!) that puts me in a state of non-action.
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheGrimace
Member
Member # 9178

 - posted      Profile for TheGrimace   Email TheGrimace         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Cheiros, I feel your pain.

In my case she's now married to the other guy (in my defense I've loved her for years, but distance killed the relationship). I want to be rooting for it to fall apart so maybe I'll have another chance exept for the following things:
1) I really do want her to be happy, and she is.
2) He's a really great guy, who happens to be a lot like me (both good and incredibly frustrating since I can easily see myself in his shoes)
3) I really do want marriages in general to work out.

Advise: Do what you can to just be happy for them and move on with your life. there's gonna be a gnawing for quite some time (perhaps forever) but it's the price we pay.

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bokonon
Member
Member # 480

 - posted      Profile for Bokonon           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by katharina:
I don't know why guys are suddenly more interested once you're not available.

It works both ways. I've been hit on more times this past year (since I got married) than any year prior.

-Bok

Posts: 6996 | Registered: Nov 1999  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dr Strangelove
Member
Member # 8331

 - posted      Profile for Dr Strangelove   Email Dr Strangelove         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yes.
Posts: 2827 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pfresh85
Member
Member # 8085

 - posted      Profile for pfresh85   Email pfresh85         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I've had it happen once before, but I actually was interested in her before I found out she had a boyfriend. Man, did that suck.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nighthawk
Member
Member # 4176

 - posted      Profile for Nighthawk   Email Nighthawk         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Bokonon:
quote:
Originally posted by katharina:
I don't know why guys are suddenly more interested once you're not available.

It works both ways. I've been hit on more times this past year (since I got married) than any year prior.

-Bok

Same here. Nobody came anywhere near me before I got married, but starting the day after they started to come out of the woodwork. And they get annoyed at my "where were you three years ago?" response.
Posts: 3486 | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Amanecer
Member
Member # 4068

 - posted      Profile for Amanecer   Email Amanecer         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Another is that person his/her self is no longer self-conscious because they already found someone.
I think this is the big one. People are attracted to self-confidence and relationships give you self-confidence.

cherios- I feel for you. I don't fall for guys easily at all, but yeah, that happened to me once. At first, it was really hard to not silently hope that their relationship would fail. Many years have passed and they're still together, so I've learned to accept it. I wish them well- most days. [Wink]

I think it's so depressing because you never get to find out what would have happened. If someone's not interested, that's more or less the end of it. But if somebody would be interested if they weren't in a relationship, it's harder to put in the past.

Posts: 1947 | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Allegra
Member
Member # 6773

 - posted      Profile for Allegra   Email Allegra         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
There was a guy I was interested in last year. I found out he was engaged and I was bummed. Only a few days later he asked me to sleep with him. Needless to say she can keep him.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
B34N
Member
Member # 9597

 - posted      Profile for B34N   Email B34N         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yep, dated her for two plus years after the guy she was dating broke up with her. Be patient if you are really interested and see how the relationship plays out. If it's meant to be it'll be, if not lots o'fish in the sea!
Posts: 871 | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheSeeingHand
Member
Member # 8349

 - posted      Profile for TheSeeingHand   Email TheSeeingHand         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
It's not just guys that that happens to. Girls are more interested in a guy who unavailable, too.
It's true. I once (stupidly) liked a girl who didn't like me. I would look at her all the time and stuff. The day right after I stopped she started looking at me. The more I ignored here the angrier she got.

We: 1
They: 0

Posts: 161 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mr_porteiro_head
Member
Member # 4644

 - posted      Profile for mr_porteiro_head   Email mr_porteiro_head         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
I saw that, Porter.
I only deleted it because somebody else had already said the exact same thing, only with more detail, by the time I posted.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
B34N
Member
Member # 9597

 - posted      Profile for B34N   Email B34N         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by TheSeeingHand:
quote:
It's not just guys that that happens to. Girls are more interested in a guy who unavailable, too.
It's true. I once (stupidly) liked a girl who didn't like me. I would look at her all the time and stuff. The day right after I stopped she started looking at me. The more I ignored here the angrier she got.

We: 1
They: 0

[ROFL]
Posts: 871 | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ginette
Member
Member # 852

 - posted      Profile for ginette   Email ginette         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ok, now I have a question for you guys. What do you do in the meantime while you are loving this unavailable girl? Stay single or settle to have a relationship with a second-best?
Posts: 1247 | Registered: Apr 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
vwiggin
Member
Member # 926

 - posted      Profile for vwiggin   Email vwiggin         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Are those the only two choices?

How about go out and meet more people, while promising yourself that you will be open to possibilities but will not force yourself into anything you're not comfortable with. [Smile]

Posts: 1591 | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephan
Member
Member # 7549

 - posted      Profile for Stephan   Email Stephan         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by ginette:
Ok, now I have a question for you guys. What do you do in the meantime while you are loving this unavailable girl? Stay single or settle to have a relationship with a second-best?

Don't think in terms of settling for a second-best. Play the field, and date around. Some one else just as good, if not better will show herself. Don't stay single hoping they will break up. Assume they won't, breathe in, breathe out, and move on.
Posts: 3134 | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rivka
Member
Member # 4859

 - posted      Profile for rivka   Email rivka         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by vwiggin:
Are those the only two choices?

Exactly. Assuming that they are makes me cringe.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
El JT de Spang
Member
Member # 7742

 - posted      Profile for El JT de Spang   Email El JT de Spang         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
I only deleted it because somebody else had already said the exact same thing, only with more detail, by the time I posted.
I know. I just wanted to tell you that I saw it anyway.
<---- [Cool]

quote:
Stay single or settle to have a relationship with a second-best?
I don't think there is a second best. I think there's like a 200 way tie for first best. You just have to find the next girl. Swingers put it better than anything else I've ever seen:
quote:
Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.


Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pH
Member
Member # 1350

 - posted      Profile for pH           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Stephan:
quote:
Originally posted by ginette:
Ok, now I have a question for you guys. What do you do in the meantime while you are loving this unavailable girl? Stay single or settle to have a relationship with a second-best?

Don't think in terms of settling for a second-best. Play the field, and date around. Some one else just as good, if not better will show herself. Don't stay single hoping they will break up. Assume they won't, breathe in, breathe out, and move on.
Yeah, lurking around until the couple breaks up is...creepy and sad. I have exes who still do this to me. They call every once in a while, every few months, and act like they want to grab coffee. They then try to "smoothly" throw in some statement to test if I'm still in a relationship. Of course, it comes off as completely unsmooth because I'm not stupid. Often, I ignore it utnil they are more direct about the issue. As soon as they find out that I am indeed still in a relationship, they have another call or they have to go or something.

Hanging around waiting for a couple to break up is both upsetting and sad and means that you're hoping for bad things for the person you supposedly care about (unless the guy in question is beating the crap out of her or something). Playing the field is definitely the way to go. You're young. Don't get totally fixated on someone like this. Enjoy yourself.

-pH

Posts: 9057 | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kwea
Member
Member # 2199

 - posted      Profile for Kwea   Email Kwea         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I love Swingers. I hated it at first, I wanted to slap them for talking that way, but it really is a good movie.


I think a part of the reason that the other sex finds you more attractive once you are in a relationship (and yes, that has been MY personal experience as well) is that you are happier then, and it comes across. I don't mean that it is a conscious decision, but that at some level, if you are in a good relationship, you come across confident without being cocky, and the opposite sex senses that. That is a key ingredient to attraction, and the opposite sex notices it. You are happier, and more confident, and that is attractive.


It doesn't change who you are, but it does change your interactions with outers, even if you don't realize it.

New experiences make you a stronger, better person, at least most of the time. You really MAY be second best to her now, but the person you become by experiencing new things and dating new people may make you her first choice at some other point in her life. Go out and experience new things and date new people, and you may even find out a little about yourself, and what you really need/want in the process.


You can always pine for her later. [Big Grin]

Posts: 15081 | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Launchywiggin
Member
Member # 9116

 - posted      Profile for Launchywiggin   Email Launchywiggin         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Follow the Tao of Steve:

Eliminate your desire for this girl. Instead, become a good friend who is positive, fun, and confident. It's OK to flirt with girls who have boyfriends. Just be cool about it.

If you are the better man, she'll notice eventually.

I'm also in the boat with people who say "keep looking". The more time you spend thinking about this girl is more time you spend NOT living your life.

Posts: 1314 | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Raia
Member
Member # 4700

 - posted      Profile for Raia   Email Raia         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Guys have never been interested in me, either, unless I started in a healthy relationship. Then suddenly, they come flocking. It's very odd.

Right now I'm extremely happy in my relationship, and I know of a few interested parties that wish my status were otherwise. Before, nobody gave me a second glance.

Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
B34N
Member
Member # 9597

 - posted      Profile for B34N   Email B34N         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by ginette:
Ok, now I have a question for you guys. What do you do in the meantime while you are loving this unavailable girl? Stay single or settle to have a relationship with a second-best?

No just live, its very easy to do. You start by breathing and everything else is cake. [Big Grin]

** Edited cause I forgot a word and spelling [ROFL] **

Posts: 871 | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2