I turn 13 today. There are a lot of things I want to say, but I don't know how. I'll do my best.
As many of you know, I do a lot of things. Right now I'm in Chorus, Volleyball, and Band. I somehow manage to do Chorus, Band any sports at the same time, but not as much as I would like. School sports are everyday after school, and Chrous is everyother school day also after school. My chorus director is not happy because I put whatever sport I'm playing ahead of chorus. Chorus is year-round but the school sports only last about three months. I really want to sing and I also want to be as active as I can. In March we have Solo and Ensemble contest for band and chorus. I'm singing two duets with my friends and a solo. I'm also playing a Tuba solo. I started playing the tuba around October. I used to (and still do) play trumpet. Since I've only been playing a few months, I'm still not very good, but I really like the tuba. I'm struggling to learn how to play my solo and I'm still not sure if I can play all the notes. We also have a band and chorus contest in March. I'm doing my best to learn all the music, but it's hard with Volleyball still going on.
My parents don't talk to me. They never ask me how my day was, or how my music's coming. They never talk to me about sports unless they're yelling at me while I'm playing or saying I did something wrong. Whenever I show them something I just built my mom always says 'Cute' and goes back to what she's doing. My dad nodds and waves me out of the room. I was grounded a few times over things I think were unfair. My mom said I was grounded 'until I learned mt lesson'. I'm a quick learner and I know right away what I did wrong. Even if I try to talk to my mom about it, she insists I still need to learn my lesson. End of disscusion. Then she never brings it up again and I end up grounded for a long time. My dad is never any help, since he leaves most things to my mom and always agrees with her. I don't even know if they really trust me. One day I'm their little baby, and the next I'm a mature young woman. They either think I'm not responsible or I'm simply not smart enough to do something. I want (but can live without) a cell phone, but they say I'm not responsible enough and I don't need one. There have been several times where my siblings and even my parents have forgotten to pick me up from practices. Every time I tell my mom she dismisses it and says I don't need one. I can live without it but it shows that they don't think I'm responsible. I also want to baby sit, mainly for the kids who live on my street. My mom keeps telling me that I need to be more responsible and trustworthy. If I can keep track of my homework, how I am I going to keep track of the kids? I almost cried when she said this. I do my best with my homework, and rarely forget it. I also play with those kids very often, and I love them like the little siblings I never had. I couldn't believe that she'd even think I'd ever lose one of them.
There are also endless projects for me to do. We just finished the science fair, and we're now starting the history fair. My reading and language teacher is convinced we need endless prep for the ISATs. My religious Ed. class is making us do a Jesus project. There are tons of tests and homework, since I'm in the advanced class. I'm in one of the student councils and I'm one of the leader's of my church's youth group. I'm trying to meet all the requirements, but there always seems to be something I'm forgeting.
It seems almost every boy at my school is an idiot. There's one group though, that constantly makes fun of me and my friends. I defend my friends whenever I can, but they just keep finding new things to make fun of us for. They call me 'Beast' or 'Man' whenever they see me and always close my locker on me whenever they can. They find annoying ways to say our names, and do it whenever they can. Whenever I or my friends say something smart, they make fun of us. If I make a good play in gym, they make fun of me. If I read a book, they make fun of me. I pulled out a Band-Aid once, and they called me a baby. I keep hearing "Anne, So and So likes you" or "Why are you going out with [My friend]? "Because she's so hot" The last one sound like a good thing, but they were not going out with my friend and she is not, by any means, their idea of 'hot'. They go around and say "I have a crush on [My friend]" or "Hey look! It's my best friend ever" I want to tell my mom about it, but she'd just say they like us.
My friends themselves are almost driving me nuts. One has gone completely boy crazy (over a bunch of idiots). Another keeps telling me her boyfriend is so hot, or she is so POed at him, or he hates her, or he doesn't really like her. Another is nuts for a boy who pretty much hates her guts. She also keeps getting herself in trouble, and usually me along with her. And there's the few boys I'm friends with. I liked one of them once but he didn't feel the same. I'm still friends with him, but sometimes I don't know if he's my friend or just another idiot. Another boy is constantly fighting with my best friend, though they make up every so often. There's also the people I used to be friends with. One was like my sister, then pretty much didtched me when she got popular. Another moved, and came back completely different from me. And another slowly just stopped being my friend. I also tend to put my friends problems before my own. I'm usually the mediator when my friends fight, and I sometimes get hurt myself.
I posted a story I wrote once. I've gotten much better since then, but sometimes I'm just not sure. I love writing. I love making up new lives and people and places. I love making a world where magic does exist. Where people do live happily ever after. But sometimes I wonder if I really can do it. Does it even make sense? Are my characters real or are they just something I slapped together? I let my friends read my stories, and they all like them. I try my best to make them better, but I never know if I really am a good writer.
School and Religious Ed. is very important to my family. Not what happens in them, but my grades. If my school grades drop below and A- then my parents don't care about the rest of the grades. They want to know why I'm not getting straight As. I still get reminded about when I got a B in reading. I love books, so my parents kept asking me why I wasn't getting an A. The stories we read were very boring, and any interesting one were ruined by worksheets and reports on them. In Religious Ed. we get report cards with 'Excellent' 'Good' 'Average' and so on. On this last one I got all 'Excellent's and 'Good's. I was happy with it, but my parents demanded to know why I didn't get all 'Excellent's. (Maybe I should explain a bit, my dad's a deacon, my mom is the youth minister, I'm an altar server and a liturgical dancer. I also used to go to my mom's 3rd grade Religious Ed. class when I was in 1st grade and I learned as much as everyone else. I've also been in several religious debates with my brother) My teacher included the test we just took. Now, he told us that this one didn't matter and we would take a different one later. He was grading each person's test individually, so I was bored. I colored the test purple after he graded mine. When my parents got the test, they were furious that I colored it. I promised that I wouldn't do it again after my parents called it an insult to my teacher. My dad rewrote the test and made me take it again. What my parents didn't bother to ask, was how well I did on it during class. Four out of eleven people got good scores, me being one of them.
Some of my first posts on Hatrack were about people being limited because of their age. I know that many of you aren't like that at all, but it happens very often to me. I've been told many times that I'm mature for my age, and I've even been asked when I was graduating high school (five years, if you're wondering). Despite all this, people are still surprised when I say something that most kids my age wouldn't know. I don't mind them being surprised, but I hate it when I'm exepected to be not as smart as someone older than me. I've worked hard my whole life to earn the respect of people much older than me. My youngest sibling is six years older than me, and, according to my family, it might as well be sixteen years. When I was little my brothers and sister would have friends over all the time, and I never liked to be left out. If I was near them though, I felt stupid, since they knew much more than me. I did (and still do) what I could and eventually gained some respect as a smart human being, rather than the cute little sister. I still work at this, since my family continues to meet new people, and they all grow older and smarter.
By being around all these people, I became smarter and more mature, much more quickly than any of my friends. It's almost as if I can't get any better now. My friends are still growing and becoming who they are, but I'm not as much any more. I've been the way I am for quite a few years now, but my friends are much more different. I try to stay friends with them all, but I find some ties sever themselves.
Maybe that's the reason why I never really seem to fit in. I'm not exactly best of friends with anyone on my sports teams. Most of the chorus people are really cool, but they are stick to the rules kind of people, almost the exact opposite of me. The other band members ethier hate me for some reason or or think I'm too wierd to be treated normally. Even in my own family I still stick out. I'm the only one who plays an instrument, and the only one to do chorus AND sports.
I can tell you the exact day my life became like this. December 30, 2005. Not a month before my birthday, my dog, Jack, died. I loved Jack more than anything. I could tell him anything I wanted to and he wouldn't make fun of me, or tell me I'm not good enough, or tell it to someone else. He would just lay there and lick my hand as I petted him. Jack was the only one who was actually my age. When I was little, I figured everyone in my family had someone that was like their best friends. My parents' birthdays were in the same month as the other's half birthday and the same was true with my oldest siblings. Two of my brothers were born in the same month. I had Jack. I was born in January and he was born ing July. When Jack died, I didn't just lose my best friend ever, I lost a part of me. I cared about Jack more than anything, and suddenly he was gone. I knew it was coming, Jack was getting slower and weaker, but I wasn't ready. I knew before everyone else and I still wasn't ready.
I hope that with my 13th birthday comes much better luck. On my last birthday I broke my leg. I was unable to do many of the things I love, like dancing, volleyball, track, or swimming.
I feel a bit better now that I've told someone this. I've pretty much kept it all to myself, since I don't want to burden my friends and I can't really tell my family. I know I shouldn't, but it seems whenever I want to tell someone, a friend needs my help or my parents are in bad moods. I've only cried twice since Jack died. When I broke my leg and out of sheer frustration. I can't stand all this. I'm trying to let out steam, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to do so.
I'm going to band now. School after that, and then my volleyball game. I'm playing my cousin. Then I get to hang out with some friends before maybe helping coach a High School Volleyball team. Wish me luck.
Posts: 1164 | Registered: Feb 2006
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Happy Birthday, Jeesh! Thirteen is very challenging, indeed -- and I applaud your keeping busy and active with things that matter (learning and growing!).
My son is newly-13, and I just wanted you to know that I appreciated what you had to say about being heard.
It's something, as a parent, I often struggle with -- how to stop what I am doing when he comes to me to chat, or ask me a question, or show me something, and really listen and hear what he has to say.
If it helps at all, we are all growing together, children and parents.
Your post really brought back a lot of the feelings I had as a teenager, Jeesh. It puts my current problems in perspective to realize that I used to have problems just as big and now I've grown past them, and although now I still have problems, at least they're different ones. I wonder, though, if the reason your parents see you as somewhat irresponsible, though, might be because you've taken on so many responsibilities that you can't really meet all of them. You try, but something is always going to fall by the wayside because there's always something else to do that distracts you from the first thing. Like being scheduled for two extra-curriculars at the same time-- sports and chorus. You can't really do either thing with your whole heart and so one thing is always demanding more of you than you can possibly deliver. Perhaps if you pare down some of your activities, you'll be able to meet more of your commitments and come across as more responsible. You seem responsible to me, but you might not seem that way to your parents because they don't see how many conflicting responsibilities you have.
Posts: 1751 | Registered: Jun 1999
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Hi Jeesh, I completely relate to a lot of what you're going through. Middle school sucks. Just hang in there it gets better. (Heh, this was libertygirl not Dr. Strangelove...)
Posts: 2827 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Nothing like being late for work, but still somehow finding time to check Hatrack...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEESH/AG!!!! Your post made me cry a little - middle school is so hard. I got made fun of to no end - but just kept being me. Somewhere about junior year in hs the kids who'd made fun of me suddenly wanted to be my friend. There's something to be said for staying true to yourself...
I remember going through a lot of crud in middle school that triggered my ongoing depression. Middle-school aged girls can be especially ruthless. Best of luck. So Here's to good times, better friends, and happiness!
And welcome to teenage-hood. It's a good place to be.
Posts: 1591 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Happy birthday, Jeesh. You are having a painful time, but you have a gift for expressing yourself and a gift for introspection. These will serve you well throughout your life. You are probably growing more than you realize (though not in the same way as your friends), just because you are so thoughtful about who you are.
Posts: 834 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Happy birthday Jeesh! I don’t often post on these forums (I’m more of a lurker/reader) but If there was ever a time to write a post it’s to congratulate a person on being born. Just remember that no matter how tough things get you can always talk to us Hatrackers for moral support, and I don’t know if this counts for anything but you sound a whole lot more responsible than I was at your age. Hell…you sound like a more responsible person than I am today!
That was a well-written rant; not immature at all. I reminded me of how tough being a teen can be. I was sad when I read about your dog--I actually choked up. I'm glad you have Hatrack, and that Hatrack has you.
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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quote:One has gone completely boy crazy (over a bunch of idiots). Another keeps telling me her boyfriend is so hot, or she is so POed at him, or he hates her, or he doesn't really like her. Another is nuts for a boy who pretty much hates her guts.
My sister went through this a couple of years ago. I think there is a period of change when your friends are feeling as confused and out of place as you are. Things will get better .
quote:Every time I tell my mom she dismisses it and says I don't need one. I can live without it but it shows that they don't think I'm responsible.
I'm twenty and my parents won't let me have my computer in my room. They trust me enough to do all sorts of things, but not that. Parents are weird.
Also, it may not be that they don't trust you. It could be just that they don't want to buy you one at the moment- perhaps they don't feel that someone of your age should have a cell phone.
You sound like you're definately going somewhere. When you get to that somewhere, I can almost guarantee it will be better than it is now.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Odd to think that I was about your age when I first found Hatrack (though it took a while longer for me to venture into these "grown-up" forums). If it makes you feel any better, as tough as it is now I bet that in a few years you'll re-read this and it will be a distant memory. I can't guarentee that life will get easier, but the specific problems you're dealing with now? They will pass. Especially the boys. Middle school boys are scum. (Or at least, that's what my Mom always said. Though, come to think of it, she never specified "middle school" but in my experience, they get better when they grow up.)
Posts: 3420 | Registered: Jun 2002
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Your post just made me cry. I remember going through so much of that at your age, either the same thing or similar things. All I can say is, "Hold on."
I know it's not what you want to hear, but it does get better as you get older, and it hurts less with time. I know that doesn't help now. But someday it won't be going on any more. And in the meantime, I and the rest of us here are all willing to listen when you need to talk.
As a fellow Anne, I would also like to say that I love your name.
Really, feel free to e-mail me any time you need a listening ear.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Ah, I'm late to the party. Sorry. In my defense, I was away on the Oregon Coast.
Happy Birthday, Jeesh. It's tough being smarter and more responsible than you're being given credit for. But the adults will come around in time. And as far as the ones who don't, you'll come to realize that it's their fault, not your own.
If you don't find the idea too patronizing (and it's a responsibility issue, not a financial one) you might mention something like the "Firefly" phone to your family. It would allow you to contact parents or sibs when they aren't doing their duty regarding transport, and your parents could rest assured that you weren't calling someone in Malaysia.
Writing: Go for it. I mean, recongize that writing has to first be for you, and yes, it's damn hard to make a living at it, but you can only get more practice in some of the more difficult practical parts (sumbissions guidelines, queries, and the like) by starting early. Almost every successful writer jokes about how many rejections they got before a successful submission. By all means, give it a go.
Posts: 3826 | Registered: May 2005
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