posted
Hey Hatrack! I've run into a bit of a problem and I'm hoping that the wise and experienced minds out there might be able to offer me some advice.
So, here's the situation: A few weeks ago I developed a crush on a girl in my literature class. She lives near my dorm, and we've been walking back from class together fairly regularly. I'm starting to get to know her and we've hung out outside of class a few times, but always in a purely friendly way. In the course of our conversation she mentioned that she is a very active member of the campus' Queer Students group. This came as a bit of a surprise, since she had mentioned a couple former boyfriends in passing, but maybe she has only recently come out? So now I'm in a bit of a quandary, I would love for us to become more than just friends, but I am think there is a good chance that she is either bi or a lesbian. I haven't noticed her showing any interest in anything more than friendship, though I find that I rarely pick up any but the most obvious signals from girls. So, I've taken a sort of wait-and-see approach, which as you would expect, isn't really going anywhere.
My question is, what is the etiquette for dealing with this sort of situation? Is it appropriate to ask her directly if (for lack of a better way to put it) she likes guys? This seems untactful, but I would like to know. Would it be better to ask one of her friends? I don't know any of them that well, but her orientation may already be common knowledge. Or it may not... I feel like I shouldn't ask her to out herself, but maybe she thinks that she already did when she mentioned her membership in the student group, and I would rather know what's going on than be left in the dark.
My gut is telling me to pursue a relationship as I would with any other girl, this way the ball's in her court as to letting me know what is up. But, at the same time, there is part of me that would like to know if I'm wasting my time. Not that it would be entirely a waste if she were not interested, she's a great person and I'm glad we're friends, but part of me would rather spare myself the heartbreak.
Any input or advice you have is appreciated.
Posts: 148 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I say you just ask her straight and direct. In fact, when she brought up the club you should've been like, "So are you a..." she probably would've gotten the drift by then and answered your question.
Just don't make a big deal out of it and she won't either. Ask her like it was the most normal thing in the world. I don't think she'll get mad at you or feel uncomfortable in the least.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
You can segue into that, just ask if she is seeing anyone, and when she says no you say "Haven't found that right girl or guy yet?" which is usually when they'll clarify one way or the other, but if she doesn't, either way the window is open for you to put yourself forward and see what happens.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
I am the master of untactful. Ask her if she's a lesbian (not if she likes guys). Maybe she'll think being forward is cute. If she gets offended by the question (seems unlikely to me) try to recover with a thoughtful question about the Gay/Lesbian Alliance and what they do (that's what it is called at my school, I can't help but think that "Queer Student group" is not the proper name for it). If she's comfortable enough around you to talk about her sex life, that would be a good sign.
Just relax and be yourself. I have no idea how you normally go about dating, but over-analyzing isn't going to get you anywhere.
Anyway, if you're uncomfortable with bi and or homosexual people (and she is almost guaranteed to have friends who fit that description), maybe things aren't meant to be. Or maybe that's something she can help you work on.
Posts: 247 | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
I'm going with MightyCow on this one. Cause what's really important here is whether she wants a relationship with you, not whether she prefers guys or girls.
Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jan 1999
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posted
Thanks for the advice guys, It's nice to know that my instincts aren't that far off, I guess it's more that it's a situation I haven't dealt with before, so I wanted to check. And yes, I probably am over thinking things...time to Carpe the ol' Diem.
DevilDreamt: I think name of the group she's in is "UC Queer Women", but there are several such groups on campus, so I'm not 100% sure.
Posts: 148 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Lots of straight and bi people join gay groups for the purpose of hanging out with their gay friends, or supporting equal rights, and so forth, so you never know.
Glad you've decided to go for it. If she isn't interested in dating you, for whatever reason, it's better to know. If she is, woohoo!
posted
lol, sorry Gecko: long hair, wears the average amount of plaid clothing, no mention of golf (does softball mean anything? ), and no sign of any special preference for psuedo-Mexican food of any sort.
I know this might sound silly, but I'm serious. In my experience, people who are very active in those students groups are not afraid to fill out the "Interested in..." section.
Really, though, I don't think it matters. MightyCow's right. I would just ask her on a date and see what she says. You don't really need to find out if she's straight or gay or bi first. All that matters is whether she's interested in you.
My roommate's boyfriend is bi. When this first came up, we asked if it bothered her, and she said, "Not really. As long as he's attracted to me and wants to be with me, I'm happy."
Posts: 866 | Registered: Aug 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Celaeno: What does her facebook account say?
Don't take anything on facebook for truth either. At least a fourth of my straight female friends are listed as 'married' or 'engaged' to other females, just because they find it amusing.
Posts: 3852 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
I'd just ask her out as I would anyone else. (I think it's too blunt to say, "Would you like to go on a date?". Just say, "Would you like to [do this] this weekend?".) If she's not interested in you for whatever reason, she'll let you know somehow. There's no harm in going out with her even if it comes to nothing; you don't have to stop searching for other girls just because you're having one date with this girl.
Incidentally, what would be the problem with going out with her if she was bi?
Posts: 781 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Bad idea. She could be a lesbian and still be interested in [doing this] this weekend, especially if they've been hanging out already as friends.
He needs to make clear his intentions and give her a chance to say (1) I'd love to, (2) I'd love to, but I'm gay, or (3) Sorry, I'm not interested.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Given that Friday is also trying to determine whether or not she might be romantically interested in him, I think it might be better to be direct. It's better not to be ambiguous about these types of things.
Whether or not she's interested, she'll appreciate straightforward honesty (not to imply that your suggestion is dishonest in any way), and Friday won't have to worry about whether or not shes misunderstood him.
Posts: 2907 | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:Bad idea. She could be a lesbian and still be interested in [doing this] this weekend, especially if they've been hanging out already as friends.
This is especially true if she thought he knew she was gay. I've watched several people go do stuff with people they considered friends and then say wait a second, didn't they know that I was gay or that I was in a serious relationship with soandso. Generally, being direct is the best way to find out what you want to know.
Posts: 872 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
Another vote for direct, for the same reasons as Juxtapose, [El JT de Spang, and sarahdipity. Otherwise you'll have plonked yourself right in the middle of a John Hughes movie, and not as the cool guy in shades. You'll be, like, Ducky.]
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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quote:Originally posted by MightyCow: Softball could be a sign
Depends on which team she plays for. And if she's a switch hitter.
As for the "queer" part of the club's name, many gays and lesbians I'm friends with are trying to take back the word "queer" and give it a positive connotation of individuality and difference. Many co-ops in Seattle write that they are "queer-friendly" in ads advertising they have a room open, in order to encourage homosexuals to live with them and scare off those who are freaked out by homosexuality.
Posts: 1423 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
I've had more than one Out-With-A-Friend that I found out was a date half way through. It's not comfortable from either person's point of view.
If you ask her out, make sure you make clear that you're asking her out on a date. "Hey, you wanna go out with me this Friday? Like on a date?"
Then of course, she'll mention that she's doing something with her girlfriend and you'll be left wondering if she means "girl friend" or "Girlfriend"
Posts: 7085 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
Well, maybe it would be better then to just ask her in a friendly way if she's lesbian: "Hey, just so there's no confusion, I see you're in this queer group, are you lesbian?" If she says yes, you don't have to ask her out at all; and if she says no, just ask her a few days later if she wants to do something. I wouldn't want to ask someone out and have to force them to say, "No, I'm lesbian" in response.
Posts: 781 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
If she sometimes has boyfriends you have a chance.
Last year the girl who ran our campus's gay-straight alliance was definitely straight. I don't know if that applies.
Posts: 544 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Balls which quite often get hit by said phallic symbol, often accompanied by a very satisfying "THWACK!", whereupon a chase ensues where said "thwacker" does everything in their power to avoid getting touched by those balls.
I wouldnt take interest in such a game as being in the clear were I you.
Alternately, she may be in this queer group with friends from the softball team, and not be gay herself.
Posts: 1056 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
Anything less than a direct approach can be considered 'games' Just be honest, and direct.
This is something I've had a really hard time doing; and if you want me to go on about it analytically I can.
I've since figured most of this out, and really it's better to go out on a limb and be completely direct and honest about what you're feeling or whatever and have her get to know who you really are and fail than it is to pretend it's all honky-dory. (Unless you can live with that; But I really recommend against pretending)
Posts: 1132 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
So I'm most likely not going to see her today, with my midterm this afternoon and an honor society function tonight, but I'll almost certainly see her tomorrow. I haven't really decided how I'm going to approach this, but I am going to aim for honesty, and if it doesn't work out, then it just wasn't meant to be. Thanks for all the help!
Posts: 148 | Registered: Jan 2006
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