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Author Topic: I haven't asked Hatrack for help in a long time... (updated)
Raia
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...mostly because I haven't really been a regular poster in quite a while. But I recently came back and remembered what a nurturing environment Hatrack can be, and I believe I am in a position to need you all again. I warn you, there is a lot of petty jealousy and sensitivity to follow in the coming paragraphs, so if that's not something you'd rather deal with, please stop reading, and refrain from making comments about how petty I am. Thanks.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a vocal performance major. Not being a competitive person by nature, this was quite a transition for me when I first started. There were many times when I would break down and start crying for no reason, but there's never been a doubt in my mind that I want to do something else... I love it too much. And especially since I've been really improving and starting to build up my self-confidence, it's been a lot easier. I've been really feeling like I can handle this, and do what I love.

Then I started dating another music major. This is the first time I have ever done that. Another singer, at that. I have never been in a position of having to compete with my boyfriend before, and I'm not sure I like it. Especially as (and I'm going to feel horrible for saying this) he tends to get farther ahead than I do, and he's one college year beneath me. It's not that I'm not supportive of him... of course I am, and I'm proud of every accomplishment of his. I've just been trained to want to be the best -- that's what a music education does to you. And as a result, I've found myself competing with him in more ways than just professionally. I find myself vying with him for the attentions of friends, teachers, and so forth as well.

The first instance I can think of this year when my sensitivity and petty jealousy got really bad was during the NATS vocal competition last semester. I placed honorable mention in my category, and Andrew won his. My certificate wasn't even signed... the lady in charge had forgotten to do it, and honorable mention had no cash prize. Not only was Andrew's certificate signed, but he won $80 for winning his category.

Now, this in itself probably wouldn't have bothered me so much... but when I went up to congratulate him, I found myself overshadowed by three of his male friends who wanted to tell him what a great job he did, and he didn't even pay attention to me. Not only that, but when we sang, Andrew was the only one who came in to hear me, but there was a posse of about ten people who went to hear him. These are all really petty, pathetic things to be jealous of, but I was jealous nonetheless. And that evening I behaved abominably, kind of throwing a fit and making everyone (the two of us, anyway) miserable. That was a bad night. I was having nightmares about the way I behaved for weeks afterwards.

I finally did manage to put that behind me, however, and move on... but after that I was really sensitive to how I was treated by our mutual friends. They have a tendency to not pay attention to what I say, and steamroll over me, or start other conversations in the middle of one of my sentences. And this is not me being sensitive... all of them have admitted that they do it, and they have no idea why. One friend in particular, whom I've known for three years, upset me most of all. He met Andrew at the beginning of this year, and I felt like he already liked him better. He kept e-mailing him, calling him, sending him facebook messages, about all kinds of random things, and would hardly talk to me. It made me really upset, because he was someone I felt very close to. There are few people here other than Andrew that I feel like I can really open up to, but he's one of them. So that was the start of that problem.

Now, the reason this is at a height now, is last week were auditions for my school's production of "Our Town." The two of us decided a few days before the auditions that we both wanted to try it and see what happens. Steven, the mutual friend I was just talking about, is assistant director for the production, and told us that as a result, he was not allowed to give us any feedback about our auditions. That evening, he sent Andrew a facebook message that said "I didn't want to say this in front of anyone else, but you did really well tonight, and I've really appreciated having you as a friend. I'd really like to get to know you better. I look forward to hanging out tomorrow night." I know this, because Andrew read it to me. I was kind of crushed by it... and while I'm very happy that the two of them have bonded, I wish I didn't feel so left out all the time.

Andrew got cast in the show and I didn't. Just the cherry on top, you know?

It's not that I resent Andrew for any of this. Not at all. I care about him very much, and I'm really glad that he's doing so well. I'm proud of everything he does. But recently I've felt really lonely and jealous because of all of these things that have been going on, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm calling counseling services tomorrow to try and talk to someone about it, but I have bad experiences with that... so I wanted to ask you all for help too. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to be able to applaud all of his accomplishments and not feel competitive all the time... I want to be able to hang out with people without judging how much they appreciate me. I want to stop constantly feeling like a bad person for thinking all of these things. Am I a bad person? What do I do?

Thank you in advance for your help. [Frown]

[ February 29, 2008, 10:30 PM: Message edited by: Raia ]

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Troubadour
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I faced this all the time as a vocal major at the QLD Conservatorium.

It's hard enough for an instrumental musician to separate their ego from their craft, but as a vocalist you are the instrument! How do you separate that?

I hate to sound all 12-step-ish, but you've taken the most important lesson on board already: you don't want to feel like this anymore, because you don't like yourself being a jealous person.

As a pre-emptive caveat, I think Andrew needs to look after your needs and feelings and involve you a bit more - there's a definite issue there!

Jealousy's a hard one tho, I think you may need to just fake it till you make it. Be the big person you want yourself to be and it will become habit.

But at the same time you've got to love yourself a little more, recognise your own achievements for the value they have for you - not just the value they have in comparison to someone else entirely.

Remember - to get where you have gotten is not an easy achievement, there are lot of people who would kill for the talent and the opportunities you do have!

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ReikoDemosthenes
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*hugs*

Troubadour is right, that faking it and working hard at it tend to help. At least, they helped me when I felt jealous of my girlfriend's abilities in Latin, which we both study. Also, talking with him about it may help, as well.

I hope meeting with a counselor goes well for you, and good luck.

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ReikoDemosthenes
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And I should add, you are not a bad person. These things are natural and happen to many good people. It is a sign that you are a good person because you see the problem and want to change.
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Goody Scrivener
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You are *not* a bad person. I don't have any specific advice to share, unfortunately. I definitely agree with speaking to a counselor. {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}
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GaalDornick
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You're not being petty. Little things always get to people and when they add up it's more than anyone can stand. So don't feel like you're being petty or immature or anything like that. It's a problem, but it's something you can get over.

I think you're having trouble dealing with this because you've never been a competitive person so this is new to you. There's no easy trick to deaing with jealousy. Everyone faces it. You just have to swallow it and accept that there's going to be people better than you. But don't let that stop you, just learn from him and continue improving.

As to your problem about people ignoring you and interrupting you when you talk, assert yourself a little more. Don't be cocky, but have confidence and when someone interrupts you, don't act like it happens all the time and just accept it. Act suprised and let them know it's not ok.

It sucks what you're going through, but I doubt there is anyone that hasn't been through those things in some form or another. Just don't let it get to you too much and learn from it and move on.

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ketchupqueen
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I have no advice, but you have my love and sympathy, if it helps at all. (((hugs)))
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Tara
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Jealousy is the strangest thing -- I don't consider myself a jealous person, usually I'm quite good at appreciating other's talents, and yet there's this one girl in my grade that I've always been jealous of for no reason whatsoever. I just can't seem to get over it. She just seems to have everything I don't. And I guess the thing that really bugs me about her is that she doesn't appreciate what she has -- she's has problems with depression, despite being beautiful, very talented, and very well-liked by lots of people. That just bugs the hell out of me.

The only solution I have to dealing with these problems is to not be around her much, which is easy, since we're not close friends. So I think you should just try as much as possible to avoid people or situations that make you jealous. If you're not naturally competitive, are you sure what you're doing is the right thing for you? Isn't there some way you can pursue singing without all the competitive pressure?

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Alcon
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Hey Shani, I'm not sure if the advice I'm about to give is good advice. You know me, and how little I know about the music world. But one solution that appears to me is, well, don't compete. You're doing what you love. And you're doing what your good at.

So there are people better than you. There always are. Remember how back in South I used to be one of the best with computers? I was certainly one of, if not the, only C++ programmer in the high school. I got here and there's this kid Chris. He makes me look like the 80 year old grandpa who barely knows how to work his transistor radio. He's better than me at every aspect of computer science, and not just by a little. And he rubs it in a lot (I don't think on purpose). That was a hard one to swallow for a while. For a while I tried to compete with him and we clashed -- all the time. He wanted to be the best. His life goal is to go down as one of the greats in Computer Science history. After a while I realized, I didn't. I do computer science because I love it. I don't even plan to make a career out of it! I don't care if I'm the best. And I learned to just admit to myself, to him, to the world: he's better than me. I just stopped competing with him. And he stopped competing with me.

Now obviously you're situations a little different from mine. You want to make a career of vocal performing, and your friends are all vocal folk. And this is a boyfriend, not just a friend. My friends aren't all comp sci, and there's not a whole lot of judgment of people outside of academics based on how you're doing. For one thing we don't see quite so visibly how well each other is doing.

But I think the advice might still ring true. Even if everyone else still wants to compete with you and judge you based on how you do, you know you're not in it for the competition. You know you're just doing what you love. Hang on to that. When you feel tempted to compete or try to be the best, keep telling yourself "I'm doing this cause I love it, as long as I'm singing, everything is okay. Nothing else matters." Don't let their training to want to be the best take hold. To quote the Sandlot "You think too much. This is baseball. Don't think, just have fun. I mean, if you were having fun I'd bet you'd have caught that ball." Okay, so it's not quite baseball. But the goal, for you, is to have fun. If you're having fun, I think being good will come with it. And you won't have to compete.

As to the friends walking all over you... is it out of the question to get some new friends? I vaguely recall you telling me last break that most of your friends were music majors. It seems to me that may be the core of the problem with your friends. They too have been trained to be competitive, and it's seeping into the way they interact with people. In a not good way. Is it out of the question to try and befriend some non-music type folk? People who not only won't have been trained to be competitive, but won't have the training, ability or inclination to try and make any judgments on your music? I'm not saying get rid of the music major friends, but find some folks who aren't music majors. Who will appreciate who you are completely apart from your music ability.

As for whether or not you're a bad person. Well we've fallen out of touch pretty well, and I don't know you as nearly as well now as I once did. But back when I did know you, the person I knew was a wonderful, kind, sincere and caring person. Pettiness was not a word I would have associated with you in any way shape or form. I doubt you've changed very much in those regards. And the evidence in your post supports that theory. You're not being petty, what's been happening to you would grind on anyone's nerves.

Also there seems to be an accidental implication in my post that you aren't so good at music. I didn't mean for it, but I can't think of a way to reword things that removes it so I'll just put this: aren't you at one of the better music schools in the country? I mean it's not a conservatory or anything, but it's not small right? And it's pretty darn good? Well, so maybe your not winning competitions -- but honorable mention when you're competing with really good people. That's pretty damned good. Obviously I haven't heard you sing in years, and I'm in no place to be judging musical talent. But as I recall you were a pretty amazing singer. I'm sure you're absolutely incredible now. Just a layman's opinion [Wink]

Anyway, I should sleep now, I need to get up at 9:30 am for a physics class (blech, too early for physics). But I'll be around on AIM if you need a friendly ear.

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MightyCow
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Sounds to me like you need to value yourself more. Obviously your chosen field depends on the acceptance and appreciation of others, but you have to KNOW your own value, and not put yourself up against others in your personal life.

In other words, I would say (and I know this isn't just as easy as saying it's done and being done) that you would feel a lot better if you made stronger boundaries between your personal life and your public/performing life.

Your relationship with your boyfriend needs to be a personal relationship, and not a competitive relationship in the performance field. They're separate, and they need to stay so.

This is especially true as far as your self-esteem. You can't compare your worth to yourself or to your boyfriend to how you perform. His "fans" are not competition to your affections, and his vocal performance compared to yours shouldn't play a role in your personal relationship.

I'm sure it's easier said than done, but it sounds like that's the root of your conflict.

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AvidReader
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I hate to say it, Raia, but it doesn't sound like you have mutual friends. I'd also pull aside your friend the assistant director and tell him to watch those private messages. What he did was definitely cronyism and could be construed as sexual harassment. (I get you the part, you spend more time with me...)

I second the idea to try to get some new friends. What other hobbies do you have where you could meet people? Just think, if you find some nice geeks, you can play Rock Band with them and impress them with your vocal skills. We non-singers are easily impressed by people who are. 8)

I'm not sure what to tell you about the rest of the jealousy. I like that Chet gets more attention from everyone than me. But I'm a crazy introvert like that.

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Tresopax
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quote:
She just seems to have everything I don't. And I guess the thing that really bugs me about her is that she doesn't appreciate what she has -- she's has problems with depression, despite being beautiful, very talented, and very well-liked by lots of people. That just bugs the hell out of me.
Well... would you rather be beautiful, talented, and very well-liked, or would you rather be happy? It sounds to me like you may be more fortunate than she is. I'm inclined to think the number of gifts you are given is considerably less valuable than the ability to use whatever gifts you have to make yourself and others happy.
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Raia
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It's not as easy as you think to "just find new friends," or "just don't be competitive." The worst part about this is, the competition's never going to stop. Going into the performing world is one of the most competitive careers in the world (ESPECIALLY for a soprano). And I have thought about it before, should I be doing this if I'm already struggling with it as an undergrad, but I can't possibly imagine doing anything else. And it's so much easier for me to handle the competition when I don't feel like I'm competing with the people closest to me. So in that sense, MightyCow, I think you're right. I think that is the root of my problem. But fixing it isn't so easy.

About my friends, well, they've been better recently... and I AM quiet when I speak. And I do point it out now... I used to just take it quietly. But now I'll make a fuss whenever someone does that to me. It still happens, but not nearly as much. The one that still really upsets me is Steven (the assistant director), because we're really good friends, and now he's breaking rules to show Andrew his appreciation, and when I tell him I appreciate his friendship he says "yeah, well I have a hard time trusting people." He's the one I'm almost ready to give up on, but that's hard for me to do too, because he's probably the person here I've felt closest to. I'll see what the counselor says today.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I'm thinking about it very carefully, and I'll update you once I've heard from the counselor as well. Thanks for your support.

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Raia
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Oh, I also forgot to mention, when Andrew told me about getting cast in "Our Town," my first reaction was a big hug and a big "congratulations!! I'm so happy for you" and his reaction was "I'm surprised you reacted that way, I was kind of afraid to tell you..."

And then he felt really bad for saying that, but it had killed it for me. I was down again for the rest of the evening.

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Uprooted
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Oh, Raia, that sounds hard. I hate to say it, but if it comes down to "this is just too hard to do," don't be too down on yourself. It's not bad to be realistic about the stresses on a relationship.

Jealousy sucks; I know I've struggled with it in the past, in different forms, and it was really hard to get through because I also never thought of myself as a jealous person. But because you have those feelings does not mean you are petty. It means you're human, and you're growing.

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The Rabbit
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Raia, From what you said it sounds like most of your friends are men. Am I misreading or is this true. If it is some of the problems you are experiencing might be gender issues. It is very common for men to interrupt women in conversations. In fact, its frequent for men to more or less ignore women unless they've got a sexual interest in them. (Note this is not always true but it is more common in groups that are dominated by men). If a woman is interacting with a group of male friends, she will often have to work hard to be accepted as "one of the guys" in order to be treated as an equal in the group. This can be even harder if your boyfriend is one of the guys because they will tend to see you as an extension of him rather than an equal within the group.


There is something very strange about the note Stephen sent your boyfriend. The phrase " I've really appreciated having you as a friend. I'd really like to get to know you better." sounds so much like a line that guys use when they are hitting on girls. It's just very foreign to the way I've seen straight guys interact with each other. Maybe guy culture in music and theater is just just different from the guy culture I'm familiar and this is nothing unusual but then the music and theater culture has a not undeserved reputation for facile sexual orientation. You should consider whether it's possible that Stephen wants to be more than just friends with your boyfriend?

That might not be a good thought if your already worried about being jealous, but if its true it might help you understand what's going on.

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Launchywiggin
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About competitiveness, when I was a music major, we purposely set out against that competitive spirit which permeates other music departments. We were always singing for each other, helping each other, and recognizing each other's achievements and strengths. By lifting others up, you yourself get lifted with them. The dog-eat-dog spirit churns out talent without heart--and it concentrates too much on "the best" and silly awards. Make it your personal philosophy to be the best YOU can be--there will always be people better than you who haven't had to work half as hard as you have. To sum up, instead of being the best singer, be the best overall musician--always put the music first.

AND. Start teaching. I didn't feel like a competent pianist/vocalist till I started teaching both.

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Zamphyr
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quote:
Originally posted by The Rabbit:
There is something very strange about the note Stephen sent your boyfriend.... You should consider whether it's possible that Stephen wants to be more than just friends with your boyfriend?

You're not the only one thinking that.

Raia, you're competing with you boyfriend in your personal life and professional life. You need a break from that. Find a female friend, go out and do something semi-competitve (bowling, karoke, etc.) Prove to yourself that you can compete (with someone else for a change) and not feel guilty about it.

Becoming competitive and assertive is difficult for us quiet folk. Become more comfortable with competing, win or lose, and hopefully you'll become more comfortable with the person you're becoming.


wow, I sound like the self help books I loathe. [Grumble]

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Phanto
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I also thought that the message had sexual overtones, but not strong ones.

Dunno what else to say, tho. Sorry [Frown] . Best of luck!

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pooka
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I'd recommend that you learn to compartmentalize the professional from the personal. I know it's not easy, but if you don't learn to, it will spoil not only this relationship, but any future relationships -- even those with people not in the field. It's just one of life's hard lessons.
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TomDavidson
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quote:
You're not the only one thinking that.
Man, I'm relieved to find out that I'm not the only one thinking that.
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The Rabbit
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quote:
Originally posted by Phanto:
I also thought that the message had sexual overtones, but not strong ones.

Its the sort of invitation people make when they've got a romantic interest but they aren't sure the feelings are mutual. Plausible deniability.
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BlackBlade
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That's how it sounded to me as well, but since I don't know the person or the parties involved I was reluctant to throw that out there.
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Raia
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Heh... that's a very interesting take. I'm going to have to think about that. I didn't mention this (and I'm not sure I should), but Steven is gay... Andrew is very definitely straight, but it could be that Steven is attracted to him. Oy. Just what I need.

Rabbit, you make a very good point about the people I hang out with. For the most part, they DO tend to be boys. And while I do feel competitive with girls as well, I tend to feel more competitive with men. I've asked a (female) friend if she wants to go shop for a recital dress with me, so that'll be something fun that I just do with a girl... I guess that's a good start. Thanks.

I called the counseling services this morning, and booked an appointment for next week. I already got a bad vibe from the phonecall, but that's ok... hopefully the session will be different. I don't know what this anti-therapy stigma is or where it comes from. I've had two bad experiences before, but hopefully this time will be better! I also told my private teacher that I was going to see someone and she encouraged it, and said that she's gotten mostly good reports from this particular counseling office, so that's good. I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for your support. [Smile]

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Telperion the Silver
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quote:
Originally posted by Raia:
Heh... that's a very interesting take. I'm going to have to think about that. I didn't mention this (and I'm not sure I should), but Steven is gay... Andrew is very definitely straight, but it could be that Steven is attracted to him. Oy. Just what I need.


Mmmm. Yeah, I'd bet good money that Steven is attracted to Andrew. I've seen this kind of thing too with some of my gay musician friends, and as a gay vocalist myself (Phi Mu Alpha forever!!!) have experienced it as well. Giving more attention or even favoritism to the guys you like, even if they're straight...sometimes not even knowing you're doing it right away. Not that the setting makes the situation unique or anything...this stuff happens everywhere.

While I wouldn't discount you being a little hypersensitive I agree with Troub that Andrew needs to make sure you're included more in conversation or in his attentions.

((Raia))

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ClaudiaTherese
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quote:
Originally posted by The Rabbit:
quote:
Originally posted by Phanto:
I also thought that the message had sexual overtones, but not strong ones.

Its the sort of invitation people make when they've got a romantic interest but they aren't sure the feelings are mutual. Plausible deniability.
Exactly.
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The Rabbit
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quote:
For the most part, they DO tend to be boys. And while I do feel competitive with girls as well, I tend to feel more competitive with men.
I think this maybe one of your problems. You feel competitive with the men but you're a Soprano and a woman which means that you will never be competing with them head to head. When you and your boyfriend go to a competition or an audition you will never actually be competing against him. You will be competing against other women and he will be competing against other men. If he wins his competition and you take honorable mention in yours, he didn't beat you. You were beaten by some other women singers not him. Its not a fair competition.

I've been told by women friends who've studied vocal music that the competition between the women is simply a lot tougher than the competition between the men. There are just more excellent sopranos in the world than there are excellent tenors. That might not be true where at your school but you should consider that possibility.

Some how you need to get yourself to a point where your competitive energies are focused on those people you actually compete against. As long as you're competing in your head against the men its going to be a problem. Not because you can't be better than the men but because you are comparing apples and oranges.

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Raia
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No, that is definitely true here. There are all of about 3 good tenors here... and around 30-40 sopranos.

I agree with you that that is the problem. Thank you for pointing that out to me. [Smile] And I know you said that it's hard to be accepted as "one of the guys"... but actually, recently one of my friends told me I was, and it HAS been better since then.

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The Rabbit
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quote:
There are all of about 3 good tenors here... and around 30-40 sopranos.
So your boyfriend placed first in a field of about 3 real competitors and your got honorable mention (what maybe 4th or 5th) out of a field of 30 or 40.

You whipped him!! Don't let yourself feel like he's doing better than you. He's not.

As for being a girl being accepted as "one of the guys", although its difficult its not impossible. You just have to work for it. Sometimes it helps to recognize that the reason friends take longer to really accept you as an equal is a gender thing and not a personal thing.

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Raia
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No, this was a competition on a wider scale, not just within the school. Plus, he's a bass-baritone. The tenor thing was just an example.
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The Rabbit
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No matter the scale, the principle still applies. There are alot more women vocalist most everywhere than there are men. That means that when you are competing as a soprano in just about any venue you are competing against either a larger group directly or against people who have been culled from a larger group. You aren't being fair to yourself if you compare your ranking straight across to his ranking.
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Raia
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I know, and I'm ok with it now, but at the time it was kind of a blow. And like I said, it wasn't so much the results that were hard for me, but the reactions that followed, both from him, and from other friends.
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Raia
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Ugh, I keep having dreams about "Our Town"... I really wish I was in it. And I can't even just close that event out of my life like I normally would, because I want to support Andrew. He's already asked if I'll go to all four performances. And I've already been told (not by him) that it's good that he got in and I didn't, because it will do us good to have some time apart. Which may be true, but that was a little harsh.
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Raia
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Ok. Update.

I went to see a counselor last week... it was actually quite helpful, she talked me through some things, and I planned to see her again this week, but had to cancel, due to illness.

Saturday, Andrew and I both had auditions for the same summer program. We both felt that they went really well, though he was nervous coming out and I had to comfort him and tell him how wonderful he is.

Today, he got an e-mail saying he got the part of Colline in La Boheme (they're also doing The Marriage of Figaro), which is a really good part, if you don't know. I haven't heard back yet. Which, I guess, doesn't necessarily mean anything, but I'm still really on edge and suddenly really down about this again.

It just sucks that I keep having to compete with him, and he keeps doing better than me. I try to be really happy for him, and I am, but how many times can this happen without me getting really upset? And he seems to resent my being on edge, too, which upsets me even more. Obviously, I want to find out, right?

[Frown]

Sometimes I think it would be easier to study something else.

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erosomniac
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(((Raia)))

(It keeps weirding me out to read your posts on this, because my name is Andrew.)

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Raia
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Heh, sorry. It's not you, I'm pretty sure.

((Andrew)) [Wink] Thanks.

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BlackBlade
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(((Raia)))

I know exactly what your going through but from the other direction. But I'm not sure anything I could say would help you.

Just keep meeting with the counselor if you feel he/she is helping out. Just realize that this will never just go away until you dispel it. You can't get so jealous it just climaxes and resolves.

Perhaps you should consider the idea that Andrew may be trying so hard because he wants to make YOU proud of him. There was a time when my SO was suffering terribly from jealousy and years of criticizing herself. She kept telling me, "You're better than me at everything, and I hate that, why do you put up with me when I'm worthless?" Nothing I said seemed to get through to her until I told her, "Don't you realize I try so hard at life because I want to be as good a husband as I can be for you?

It just clicked for her, and we've been so much happier since.

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steven
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I had a similar situation with my girlfriend in high school. She struggled with her instrument, and barely made district band. I made double first chairs at district all three years, and double first chairs at all-state as well, and she never even made all-state, much less first chair. She barely broke 900 on the SAT, and I had the highest score in my high school (we attended different schools). She was from an incredibly intelligent family, her dad was a research chemist with several dozen patents, and her mom had been a researcher, and her brother was a composer and a computer geek. That's got to suck, being the dummy in a family full of super-smart people. I don't know if that made it worse or better, being in a relationship with me. Poor girl. It used to bother me a little, the whole jealousy part. I'm not sure I could explain why.
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Raia
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I think I need some serious help. We got into a huge fight about it last night, which was entirely my fault, and made us both feel like crap. I apologized to him for acting the way I was, and he stopped talking to me, so I kept trying to find more and more things to apologize for... finally he asked me to stop talking about it, and everything kind of erupted from there. He said things like "you need to grow up," and "I've been incredibly patient with you, and tonight I just had a human moment and thought 'I'm not going to deal with this right now'," and "this happens every time, and I'm just going to have more chances than you, being a guy, and that's something you have to learn to deal with"... and he told me that the reason he didn't audition for the other program I was looking at was because he didn't want to compete with me anymore in case this happened again and I reacted like this.

All of those things are true, and I felt like an awful, terrible person... he has regional NATS today, another vocal competition (that I should have gone to, but I'm saving what little I have of my voice right now for the opera tonight), and I made him sleep a really small amount of time, and he actually overslept this morning and almost missed his ride. And again, my fault.

I should be able to just be happy for him and not let my other stuff through, but for some reason I can't do that. I've been sobbing pretty much nonstop since last night, and I just don't know what to do.

I need help, Hatrack. I really do. I can't stop crying. [Cry]

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BlackBlade
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I'm so sorry Raia. [Frown]

Raia what is bothering you most right now. Is it Andrew's success, or your own lack of success? Or are both about the same?

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Raia
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It kind of goes together, I think. When other people beat me to things I want, I'm disappointed, but I get over it really quickly. But this is the third or fourth time this year that he's gotten something I've really wanted. And he's the person I would normally turn to when I'm upset, but I can't in this case, because things like this happen. So it all goes together.
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BlackBlade
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Alright so are you saying that Andrew succeeding where you fail is something you can generally deal with but just not as much as it has happened this past year?
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Raia
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I guess so. And it's harder when it's him than when it's other people. Is that bad?
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scholar
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You didn't make him sleep a really small amount of time or oversleep. He was part of the fight too and I am sure that he could have extricated himself from the situation and fallen asleep should he choose to. He is a grown up and he makes his own decisions and you should not blame yourself for that.
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BlackBlade
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quote:
Originally posted by Raia:
I guess so. And it's harder when it's him than when it's other people. Is that bad?

Well feeling upset that a loved one succeeds is an unfavorable result, but I wouldn't say you are bad for feeling it.

Is it harder when it's him because of how frequently it seems to be happening these days, or is there some other reason?

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Raia
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I think it's mostly that, but it's also because if it's someone else, I can run to him, he can be sympathetic for a while, and then it's all over, and I feel better. But when it's him the dynamic is very different, obviously.
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MidnightBlue
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I think you need to sit down and have a talk (if you haven't already) about how much this all bothers you and why. It seems to me that he isn't taking your side of things into account the way I would expect a boyfriend to. I don't think he should avoid auditioning for things you want, but that if he gets something you don't he needs to make a point of telling you that it doesn't change how he feels about you and he recognizes your talent for what it is. Tell you how silly the judges were for not recognizing your abilities. Not lie or sound patronizing, but sometimes we all need to be reassured a little. The problem is that we all react to things differently, and so unless we tell our SO's fairly explicitly how things make us feel and what we need from them, it's hard to guess.
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BlackBlade
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So if say Andrew was not involved in singing and you had been given the exact same results that you have gotten this year, you would feel better than you do now because you could go to him and seek comfort each time?
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Raia
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*nod* Yeah... that makes a lot of sense. But I know this sort of thing makes him uncomfortable... it's hard enough for him to tell me things like that when I DO accomplish what I want. He does, but it's clearly not something that comes naturally to him. He's also an only child, and so isn't necessarily used to that. And when his getting it is part of the reason I'm upset, I guess it becomes even harder.

And scholar, that's another problem I have... I blame myself for everything. Mostly because I tend to get told very quickly that things are my fault.

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Raia
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Yes, I think so, BlackBlade. I can't say for sure, but that sounds like we're getting closer.
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